#
I slipped Davy the Heart's Desire token along with his change from the bar. Going against the trend, I prefer the intrigue of not knowing what the Heart's desire is... On the cover of the book, it will tell us, won't it, because that's the title of the book.... I think. I'd read on to find out, and then the explanation is more satisfying. He shoved the coins into his pocket and leaned back against the saggy old seat, reaching for his pint with grimy fingers.Either way, this reads like the heart's desire token is left on the bar, because he only slipped the coins in his pocket. Did she put it in his hand, or on the bar itself? Maybe 'He shoved it all into his pocket and....etc'
I loved his hands -- chewed nails, grey around the knuckles, yellow cigarette stain between his fingers. Everything mine weren't, all plump and pale and weak-looking. Funnily enough, although correct, I keep reading this as though Davy's hands are all plump and weak-looking. It's only a nitpick, but would: 'I loved his hands -- chewed nails, grey around the knuckles, yellow cigarette stain between his fingers. Everything mine weren't. Plump and pale and weak-looking didn't compare to the strength his hands radiated.' be better? Okay, maybe not 'radiated', but I'm uncertain why she loves his hands, they sound pretty disgusting to me...
"How's school, Stasia?" he asked. Behind him, the vidscreen flashed, casting lights across the skanky tables, briefly coloured us all in something other than brown. Atmospheric, if a little awkward...
"Ah, you know." I pulled out the chair across from him, and sat. "They teach stuff." I wish I was still at school, I'd use that...
Normally I was more articulate.Delete this 'telling'. The idiotic mumbling does it so much better.
Brint laughed at my idiotic mumbling. "So nothing's changed. They did that when we were there." I'd consider deleting 'so nothing's changed'. His laugh said something, and although you've indicated it was at her idiotic mumbling, his reply tells us he heard what she said. Is he trying to be reflective or sarcastic? Or just a put-down? Maybe a 'Hah!' or a 'Yeah' would be better??
I was about to squash him -- I didn't have any difficulties with Brint -- when Davy looked up. His eyes were dark and brilliant. The lashes were absurdly long. Wasted on a boy, Mum said, but I didn't think so.
"Sure," he said. "But what are you learning?"
The way he said it made heat rush all over my skin, up across my face, over my cheeks. I'd leave it at skin...I couldn't find an answer quickly enough to hold his attention and he looked away he'd have to turn, you said it was behind him...from me to the vidscreen on the wall. It was showing the same old crap -- Councillor Corbus just before they guillotined him. The smooth grey walls of the execution chamber; his strange, hunched shoulder. The merciless light. I like the short sentences...
I didn't like seeing Corbus die. I watched, though. I always did. Davy and Brint looked as well, and -- like everyone else in the pub -- they were smiling.
Right after the blade came flashing down, the screens switched to the latest Heart's Desire winner -- some fat old guy who'd swapped the token for a massive car. Hah! Much better we find out here, what it is, doncha think? Now we know it's a token, and instantly see the value of what she slipped him. Almost all the winners were predictable and idiotic but at least the ones who chose cars were better than the sad old men who chose a beautiful girl. They ended up with some long-legged cliché three times as tall as they were and it always seemed like the girls were laughing at them.
After we'd heard about horsepower and leather seats for a predictable age, the stats came rolling up the screen:
Totals for the year so far
7 Fear
62 Fire
but only one Heart's Desire!
The vidscreen switched back to the old guy going on about his car.
"Do you think they have a script?" I said.
Brint tore his eyes away from the car. "What?"
"They always say the same thing. Blah blah horsepower, blah blah shiny paint -- it's as if they're all reading from a script."
"What are you talking about, Stas? The guy last year picked a 79 horsepower. This one's 165."I agree: I think you need to spell the numbers. It was okay on the screen, because you were reporting what was seen
I groaned. "Why is that interesting?"
Davy laughed and, infuriatingly, my brain shut down. Brint was still talking but I didn't hear him. Warm and aching with the long curve of Davy's mouth, I turned back to my drink and to watching him covertly. Not sure about the infuriatingly... she doesn't want to hear Brint, she just wants to soak up Davy... It's a small 'telling', so consider 'Davy Laughed. Brint was still talking etc'. She turned back. From where? I kinda thought Davy was in front of her, ergo she looks over his shoulder at the vid. No? And with the loss of verbs to define the warm and aching, we understand it, but it does stand out a little, as 'unusual'. I'm not sure that's a bad thing, but consider: 'The long curve of Davy's mouth made me warm and achey at the same time. I picked up my drink and went back to my favorite occupation: watching him covertly.'
He was thinner than he used to be, dirtier too since his mum had gone. The real change was his expression, the tightening of his jaw. It made him look sharp-edged, like you could cut yourself on him.
"What would you choose?" Brint asked me.
"What?"
"If you got a Heart's Desire."
I suppressed a moment of excitement -- or panic. Giving the Heart's Desire to Davy had been a gamble and I badly wanted it to pay off. Erm, bit of telling, removing some of the mystery about her. Does she think for a split-second that he saw her do it? No, she'd relax as soon as she thought it, because he'd have said something. We get that it's a gamble, really, because she did it surreptitiously, and now we're interested to see what happens when Davy does find it...
"Girls never get them."That's a great line - says so much by saying so little.
"How about that one -- Blanche, er... something a couple of years ago."
"Sutton," Davy said.
"Yeah. Blanche Sutton. She picked-" If she's interrupting him, it should be: She picked--" but I know you've used those before when perhaps a single das would be better. I'm never sure about these things, and I read all the stuff about N dashes and M dashes...
"Bet it wasn't a car."
"'course not. That would have been sensible. She picked a washing machine."
"Where did she put it?"
"I don't know, Stas. Maybe they gave her an extra room. But whose heart's desire is a washing machine?" All the time before, you've capitalised Heart's Desire, but here you've dropped it. I understand why, but if you want to emphasise the token, the competition and what she's given away, I'd think about capitalising it again...
I thought of Tuesdays when I heaved the washing down to the machine in the basement and then dragged the wet clothes up again, to hang on the line between our kitchen window and the Roberts's over the close. If, of course, the machine was working and I didn't have to take everything back up again unwashed for another week.
I shrugged. It wasn't a brilliant use of a Heart's Desire but I'd just given mine away, so who was I to judge?
"Maybe she had lots of kids," Davy said.
We both stared at him. Since his mum had gone, he'd been sleeping in the basement of his old block. The warden, Serg, was a nice enough guy and didn't throw him out much. Davy probably knew everything about washing machines now.
