Rhy and Sha, who should I start with?

[hopewrites]

I started a story the other day and felt that my narrative voice came across to young sounding. I like the characters and am working on thinking up something for them to do. But the 'age' of my narrative voice following one would limit where I could take the story.
So I went back to the opening and wrote it following the other character. And while I fell the narrative voice was closer to the age I want it, it was also colder and not as engaging.

SO
here they both are, let me know which one you like better. Its just an opening to introduce the characters. also please let me know when it becomes clear to you what they are.

thanks!

Sha waited in the darkness. She hated waiting, but Rhy would be so cross if she didn’t. Her black tail tip twitched back and forth ticking off how much longer it would be till he returned.

Foot steps.

She crouched lower, using the shadows and her dappled fur to conceal her position, closing her eyes as much as she dared to keep their reflective light from giving her away. There shouldn’t be footsteps here, it was too late at night. What was that human doing? What if it found her? What if Rhy had given her away? No! He would never. He was more than her littermate; he was her best friend, her protector, her confidant. No. What ever happened, Rhy would always be there to get her out of scrapes.

The footsteps fade into the distance.

So what was taking him so long? Maybe he found a library and stopped to read it. Selfish bookworm! No. Rhy wasn’t the selfish one. If he stopped at a library and got distracted it wasn’t out of selfishness or neglect. He was addicted to learning, and she couldn’t fault him for that.

Sha herself was found of learning. She just preferred to do it with her paws, and whiskers, and nose, and eyes, rather than try and make sense of a jumble of symbols sitting boringly on a page.

Thinking of this she pulled her notebook out of the satchel on her back and began leafing through her notes.

A familiar voice floated out of the darkness. “I thought I told you to keep still.”


or


Rhy sat on the roof, watching his sister fidget while she waited for him, and let out a weary sigh. She was too curious for her own good, but she had a big heart and he never could stay mad at her for long.

A man approached from the south.

He didnt appear to be looking for anything, just some weary human trudging home.

When he was about a block away Sha crouched low and managed to stop her tail from nervously twitching.

Rhy smiled. So, she was finally learning caution? Time to go down then and take her to the hiding place he'd found.

He waited till the man was out of sight, then softly bounded down the sides of the buildings to land on silent paws behind Sha. She had an enthusiastic habit of tackling him to the ground when she saw him, and he didnt trust her not to break cover.

"I thought I told you to keep still."

 

[JoanDrake]

I like Sha more, but I always go for the female.

I have no idea what they are. Leopards that take notes and read?

 

[Warren_Paul]

Sha's PoV is much more developed, but it does sound childish. Rhy's is a bit more mature.

I was surprised when she pulled out the notebook though. I thought she was some type of cat, but now realise she is more like Wing Commander's Kilrathi - a humanoid like cat girl.


I like Sha's PoV better, but Rhy's has potential if you fleshed it out a bit more.

 

[hopewrites]

Thank you both for your quick replies! Sha is easier to develop because she is so out going. Which is why I started writing from her to begin with. But she is also immature and naive. Something Rhy counters when they work together, but doesnt seem to stop it effecting the narrative when I go from her POV.
Does it really count as her POV as its not first?

 

[Warren_Paul]

Yes it does count. Unless you're doing omniscient - which isn't in vogue atm - you'll have to pick one character's head to get inside of. If we are in Sha's head, then it will be her voice driving the scene. Likewise, if you pick Rhy's head to go inside of, it will be his voice.

Changing between heads is head-hopping, and is frowned upon by today's standards.

 

[crystal haven]

I also liked Sha, but I think I'm being influenced because I read it first.

Rhy is also good, and in many ways I found it far more visual. I liked the fact I was seeing a wider view, including info about his sister, through his eyes. I liked his personality too.

I was also surprised by the notebook. It pulled me up a little.

I hope that helps.

 

[JoanDrake]

Yes it does count. Unless you're doing omniscient - which isn't in vogue atm - you'll have to pick one character's head to get inside of. If we are in Sha's head, then it will be her voice driving the scene. Likewise, if you pick Rhy's head to go inside of, it will be his voice.

Changing between heads is head-hopping, and is frowned upon by today's standards.

I rather liked it though, and it seemed to fit rather well here, especially in quickly revealing aspects of character that would be difficult to get at any other way.

 

[HareBrain]

Sha's felt more developed as a voice, and I found myself more immersed in her situation. But like everyone else, the notebook puzzled me, as I can't imagine how she would manipulate it with paws.

 

[Boneman]

Erm... definitely a pussy cat, I thought, then the library bit made me think again. One confusion is the 'paws' that can hold a pencil. (Must need an opposible didgit, I reckon...) So I assumed some kind of hybrid/were-cat/mutation...

Because Sha gives more information, and comes first, she's easier to latch on to. But as a hooky opening I think I prefer Rhy... And I can't help thinking their characters are so quite different because Sha hears a 'human' approach, whereas Rhy sees a 'man'.... good work. I'll go with Rhy.

 

[Warren_Paul]

Erm... definitely a pussy cat, I thought, then the library bit made me think again. One confusion is the 'paws' that can hold a pencil. (Must need an opposible didgit, I reckon...) So I assumed some kind of hybrid/were-cat/mutation...

Having been a big fan of the Wing Commander games, I can picture how it works.

This might not be what Hope is picturing in her mind, but it's what I instantly think of:

That's a Kilrathi - half man, half cat.

Cat girls are also very popular in anime/manga, but anime versions usually aren't furry.

 

[Victoria Silverwolf]

I thought the first version was much better. I don't see any problem with having a young, inexperienced, naive character as your viewpoint. A a matter of fact, that can be a good way to convey information to your reader. As the character learns something, so can the reader.

As others have commented, I thought these were just super-intelligent cats. The thing about the notebook took me by surprise. Maybe there would be a way to hint at what this character is like before you go into the notebook scene.

Otherwise, the first version reads quite well. (Quibble: I prefer "footsteps" to be one word.)

 

[Brian G Turner]

There's a great sense of personal conflict in the first POV. It does sound young, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, and the general feeling of uncertainty works nicely.

Rhy's POV is just an abstract summary - doesn't work here IMO.

 

[hopewrites]

I'm delighted people are leaning toward Sha, she's the easier of the two for me to write from, but that might be why people are leaning toward her.

I will definitely try and bring in better descriptions of what they are while bringing out who. Perhaps a mention of how she is turning the pages rather than just saying she is leafing through them. Or leave it till later once the kind of creature she is is better set in the readers minds.

No one has quite got the image right, and I take that to be entirely my fault.

I tried to hint that her system of recording was different than ours with her complaint of "jumble of symbols sitting boringly on a page." but when I read it back now it feels like contradiction to have her pull out a notebook of her own right after saying that.

Thank you, Victoria and Brian for your vote of confidence that a young voice could tell an older story. I dont know that she will "grow up" much. Her nature has been much enabled and it would take loosing her brother to mature in any substantial way.

Harebrain, Boneman, Warren, Thank You for giving me clear visuals about my unclear visuals. I dont want to leave it too long nor infodump my way into it. So I'll just work harder at being a bit clearer. *thoughts wander off post on ways to do just that*

Crystal, it does help, thank you. Rhy does keep a wider view on things and I'm glad that came out in his narrative.

Again, a big thank you to you all for taking the time to help me get this started in the right direction.

 

[alchemist]

Your decision may be made, but I vote Sha as well. It just drew me in more, and the voice seemed more...complete.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

It becomes clear after a while that both characters are a kind of cat - person.
I thought that the second section read better. As for the characters, one has the impression that Sha would be a bit tiring and Rhy is more dependable. The first part gets more into the viewpoint character's head in a way that some will find appealing (if they like scatty immature characters). What you do with them is really up to you.
Are you thinking of picking one of them as the viewpoint character, or having it alternate?
Hope that helps.

 

[hopewrites]

Thanks Alc, every vote counts to help me become more confident in my writing.

Geoff, I hadnt thought about how often they would alternate. There will probably come a time when Rhy's perspective will be the better of the two to go from. Or they may not alternate at all. so even though your question was one of this or that, my answer at the moment would be no. I hadnt though of alternating them or how often I would. I also handnt thought of not alternating them or how that would limit me.

*giggle* Sha is a bit scatty isnt she.

I think the reason it's easier to go from her perspective is because she's the sort of character who comes up and hands you who she is as a way of getting to know you. Where as Rhy is the sort of character who is more apt to watch you from the page and wonder if your sharp enough to figure him out. He gets drug around in her wake for reasons of his own. The kind of character you dont really feel you know till your a good way into the story.

I like to have a combination of slow blooming, long blooming and fast blooming characters in my writing. I feel it keeps the writing interesting longer.

 

[Warren_Paul]

*giggle* Sha is a bit scatty isnt she.

Aren't all cats scatty? I believe that's where the term came from, isn't it?

 

[hopewrites]

definitely scatter brained. which is why she keeps a notebook.

(I use it in a Jazz sense, which makes it very round about and pun filled in its reference to cats.)

 

[M.Tullius]

I think I would go with Sha as well. It is more developed and I think serves as a better intro to the story. I felt I could picture the characters and scene better from Sha's PoV than Rhy's. Also, if you like writing her perspective better I see no reason to try to change it. just my 2 cents

 

[hopewrites]

Thanks M. my reasoning for writing from Rhy was that I was worried Sha wouldnt hold anyone over 10 not reading to their children.
Because she is immature and that makes the narrative feel immature as well.