Rhy and Sha, who should I start with?

[Culhwch]

I agree with Geoff - I thought the second section read better, and prefer it to the first. The first was a little too busy, I feel, and the second more simple and straightforward, and easier to follow. It may just be that the first needs to be polished some. I think as a character, though, I'd lean more towards Rhy than Sha, but that's just personal tastes...

I didn't get a Kilrathi catman kind of vibe from this like others did, mostly because I was imaging something a lot smaller. At first I was thinking straight cat (in the style of Tad Williams' Tailchaser's Song), but the little bits about reading and notebooks and satchels made me think of something more like a cat/raccoon hybrid, a small creature that is usually quadripedal but can go bipedal when necessary, with dexterous little front paws/hands and an inquisitve mind.

 

[hopewrites]

Thanks Cul! Closest so far. They are based off of Margays (see avatar) but with a fantasy twist. Humanized in that they use and carry equipment without altering their form too much.

Rhy's action moves a lot quicker, probably because his mind's more focused.

I'm still tempted to polish them both and then pick and chose who has the better narrative on a scene by scene basis.

The only book I ever read in first was about a brother and sister and it flopped back and forth between them. I'd be more tempted to to an omniscient 3rd that kindly only tries to tell one perspective at a time than actual flopping. but I'll have to see how it goes and will probably end up back here later to get opinions again.

 

[Culhwch]

No problemo! Also put me in mind of the mice from Secret of NIMH, An American Tail, or Mouseguard.

After some Googling, I'm now trying to figure out how I can procure a Margay...

 

[hopewrites]

protected arboreal cats capable of eating you might not make the best house pets. but if you find a way let me know

 

[SciFrac]

If you use Rhy, you should add as much detail about his physical appearance as you did with Sha. I think that's the main difference between details. I definitely felt closer to Sha. Also, I thought of them as jaguars.

 

[hopewrites]

Thanks SF. I'll keep that in mind.

 

[chrispenycate]

I started a story the other day and felt that my narrative voice came across to

too

young sounding. I like the characters and am working on thinking up something for them to do. But the 'age' of my narrative voice following one would limit where I could take the story.
So I went back to the opening and wrote it following the other character. And while I fell the narrative voice was closer to the age I want it, it was also colder and not as engaging.

SO
here they both are,

Comma splice

let me know which one you like better. Its

It's

just an opening to introduce the characters. also please let me know when it becomes clear to you what they are.

thanks!

Sha waited in the darkness. She hated waiting, but Rhy would be so cross if she didn’t. Her black tail tip twitched back and forth

Comma

ticking off how much longer it would be till he returned.

Foot steps.

Why did you split this "Footsteps"?

She crouched lower, using the shadows and her dappled fur to conceal her position, closing her eyes as much as she dared to keep their reflective

reflected; light itself cannot reflect other light.

light from giving her away. There shouldn’t be footsteps here, it was too late at night. What was that human doing? What if it found her? What if Rhy had given her away? No! He would never. He was more than her littermate; he was her best friend, her protector, her confidant. No. What ever

Why split "Whatever"?

happened, Rhy would always be there to get her out of scrapes.

The footsteps fade into the distance.

Dangerous to drop into present tense for just one sentence.

So what was taking him so long? Maybe he

had

found a library and stopped to read it. Selfish bookworm! No. Rhy wasn’t the selfish one. If he stopped at a library and got distracted it wasn’t out of selfishness or neglect. He was addicted to learning, and she couldn’t fault him for that.

Sha herself was found

fond

of learning. She just preferred to do it with her paws, and whiskers, and nose, and eyes, rather than try and make sense of a jumble of symbols sitting boringly on a page.

Thinking of this she pulled her notebook out of the satchel on her back and began leafing through her notes.

A familiar voice floated out of the darkness. “I thought I told you to keep still.”


or


Rhy sat on the roof, watching his sister fidget while she waited for him, and let out a weary sigh. She was too curious for her own good, but she had a big heart and he never could stay mad at her for long.

A man approached from the south.

He didnt

didn't

appear to be looking for anything, just some weary human trudging home.

When he was about a block away Sha crouched low and managed to stop her tail from nervously twitching.

Rhy smiled. So, she was finally learning caution? Time to go down then and take her to the hiding place he'd found.

He waited till the man was out of sight, then softly bounded down the sides of the buildings to land on silent paws behind Sha. She had an enthusiastic habit of tackling him to the ground when she saw him, and he didnt trust her not to break cover.

"I thought I told you to keep still."

Answering some of the previous commentaries, paws, fur, whiskers and a tail do not a feline make. For example, an otter has all the above panoply, (and originates in a litter) and his paws are capable of extensive manipulation. There have been no retractile claws or anything a noncat (choosing something with a tail, evidently, but even some monkeys or rodents would qualify) couldn't manage.

Yes, you're more emotionally involved with Sha, which means we are, too, which improves the hook. And there is no reason why the immature can't experience adult sensations – it happens all too often in our world– just that analysis and comprehension of them will be limited. The reader might be understanding more of what's going on than the character who is living it (mind you, this can happen to full adults in our world, too. Sometimes the external observer sees more than the involved experiencer).

 

[hopewrites]

Thank you Chris!
Honestly I don't know why I split so many words apart, ether I was getting space-bar-happy or Sha's disjointed thoughts were infecting my spelling. I'm so glad you found what was wrong with the sentence where I meant 'fond' and spelled 'found' my eyes kept tripping over it after I posted, but couldn't peg up what was wrong.

The last few days I've been wondering if I ought to do a prolog for Rhy and Sha, let people know what kind of world they live in and what they are (beyond what may be on the dust jacket) so that I don't have to keep finding ways to force them to think about what they are when they normally wouldn't.

Always glad to get your input.