Mermaid Brothel 837w (Caution: sexual content)

[Gumboot]

Just really agreeing with previous comments. It's a nice piece, and I'm already hooked, but there are some things that would make it read better. I don't mind the pig metaphor (I got the reference to 19th Century political cartoons) but I agree that it was laid on a bit excessively, and would work better if it was from the Mermaid's POV from the outset.

Also agree on the mechanics of the "drowning" so that's something you'd have to work out.

I was about 70% sure she was an actual mermaid for most of the piece. I basically assumed little canals and water tubes everywhere. But then I hit the last paragraph "She paced near the vanity" and was totally thrown. Paced?

There's a few other places where the phrasing doesn't really reflect the mechanics, such as:

Hyacinth, the attendant, rushed to her aid and inspected her for bruises

I actually (and I don't know why) assumed Hyacinth was a human. In fact I just somewhere decided only the dancers were mermaids. So I pictured Hyacinth coming to the edge of the tank to inspect her, like inspecting a dolphin in a water park or something. Then I imagined Hyacinth following a walkway through into the changing "tank" where she attended from an "on surface" platform.

I suppose it makes sense that she's a mermaid too, but I don't think you can presume that your reader will assume every character is a mermaid, just because it's a mermaid brothel. You might need to introduce the first few people as mermaids too, so it's clear.

 

[Beef]

I'm a little bit tired, so excuse me if the following is a little incoherent in places, but your work has struck me in such a way that I'm compelled to actually make an account and contribute to this forum, so kudos on that.

There's one specific area I can't help but comment on, and that's the whole pig thing. I'm afraid I am going to contradict everyone else, and say the pigs were a large part of what kept me reading. I took the pigs literally. I imagined a burlesque house, where the dancers are all mermaids and the clientelle are all pigs. Am I alone in finding that image quite striking? It's just so delightfully weird. What sort of bizarre allegory is going to unfold in the chapters to follow, I wonder? Is this going to be about men and women, and how they persist in misunderstanding one another, because one has a snout and a curly tail and the other has the lower body of a giant fish? This is gripping! This is the kind of thing that makes me want to read on!

So, yes, if you're already writing about mermaids, you might as well go the whole hog (ha) and write about anthropomorphic pigs as well. My two cents!

 

[SciFrac]

Beef, WOW! That's a huge compliment. Thank you.

Hmm... I never considered using actual pigs. I'm not sure that's a book adults would want to read, and a mermaid brothel is definitely not for children! Not sure what to do with your suggestion. Does the story fall flat if you know the 'pigs' are just humans?

What do other people think? Should I anthropomorphize real pigs?

 

[prizzley]

Hey, this is is a fantasy! In other circs pigs might be ok but not in a brothel with mermaids, real or not. Yuck!

 

[Beef]

Well, perhaps I'd better reign myself back a little. I wouldn't go as far as to say the story would hinge on this one artistic decision. It certainly wouldn't "fall flat" in any case.

Not to be dismissive of more traditional fantasy (which I love), but when a book starts off with totally bizarre, off-the-wall stuff I'm more likely to read on. It's fresher. It depends on what sort of story you want to tell.

Bear in mind this is just my taste, the image just struck me a chord with me for some reason