Boneman
Well-Known Member
I didn't get round to the first draft of synopsising, but we all struggle with this aspect, despite the fact that we can write a 130,000 word novel that rips along at a fabulous pace, telling a brilliant story with wonderful plotting and marvellous characterisation... The best and most detailed advice I've seen for helping with a synopsis is here:
http://www.annemini.com/?p=12652
It's a very long read over two blogs, but well worth it. Quite a way in, she says:
and:
It's only an opinion, (just as mine is!) but I think there's broad agreement about that, and if I recall correctly, Teresa pointed out that in the US agents tend to read the synopsis first and in the UK second (after the sample chapters), which makes for more acidic-stomach worrying about getting it right.
Here's my sixpennyworth on Hand of Glory. (I love the title, btw!)
If the lady quoted above is correct, then your synopsis is going to be seen as an outline, and it does come over as one: it's lacking any real emotive strengths that must exist in the book itself, and, for me, it's quite 'dry' (despite being an aspiring writer, I can't come up with any better descriptive word than that, at the moment!) and I can't get a sense of the characters or the excitement/danger/horror that's there. P'raps this exercise might help.
Write: 1. a one-line synopsis 2. A one-paragraph synopsis 3. A one-page synopsis. (and more if it's asked for). This always helps me distill the essence of the story into what is the most important aspect of the whole book, and then flesh it out, with that at its core. Naturally, you've done that, but I'm a little concerned that your opening paras don't immediately hook. Saying:
sets the scene, but doesn't set it apart from so many other WWI stories, and an agent/publisher with 200 other submissions to read may say 'Oh, it's a WWI tale of revenge and Birdsong did it much better, so I'll pass' even if he gets to the second paragraph. The introduction of the Hand of Glory - the one aspect that does set this book apart from all those others doesn't come until the third para, and I'm worried you'll have lost too many onlookers by then. To hook them and hold them, I feel you need to begin with the Hand of Glory - there's an instant dichotomy that intrigues with this, because it's anything but Glory, and the horror of the trenches will be a marvellous counterpoint to that, which will be roundly emphasised by the stealing of souls. I think it's a brilliant title, but you must make more of it. This is the essence of your story, so let's try the exercises. (I'm doing this off the top of my head, so I know it can be improved a great deal more...)
One sentence: The Hand of Glory, a stealer of men's souls that is fashioned in the horror of the Paschendale's trenches is loose in the world, and one man who was there sets out to find and destroy it.
Okay it's a long sentence, but I think it encompasses the story. Dramatically, I know it's not actually 'loose' in the world (a picture of the hand in the Addams family comes to mind) but it does bring a certain frisson, with it, doncha think? If you want a short pitch, then maybe having this in your introductory letter might be a great hook, no? Viz:
Dear John,
The Hand of Glory, a stealer of men's souls that is fashioned in the horror of the Paschendale's trenches is loose in the world, and one man who was there sets out to find and destroy it.
I would very much like to send you my book Hand of Glory. It is complete at 97,000 words and I have enclosed the first three chapters and a synopsis, as your website requests. etc etc.
Moving on...
One Paragraph: In the horror of the Paschendale's trenches, a worse evil than death is fashioned: The Hand of Glory steals men's souls, and shields the user from sight, enabling them to rob and murder with ease. Captain Hardy witnesses the mutilations that create it, narrowly escaping death at the hands of Hawkins, the man constructing it. In the years after the war, Hardy is visited by the ghost of Adams, one of those killed, and comes to understand what the Hand of Glory is. Guided by Adams, he pursues Hawkins, and in a climactic battle on a floating peat bog, Hardy manages to overcome him, and the trapped souls are released.
Both these two have put the Hand of Glory at the forefront of the story, which is where it should be. I know Hardy doesn't find out what the HOG is, until after the war, but we're trying to attract the reader, not tell the story in an exactly linear fashion. (BTW, I think you'll have to change Hardy's first name... alliteration to famous authors...) I do think some of the sub-plots should be left out, as they distract, rather than adding anything. The introduction of so many characters in your first para is a tad confusing, especially the bit about Hawkins and his brother and Tennant, since we will think they're important to the plot, but they're not, really. The important people are Hardy, Hawkins and Adams, and the one para brings them in pretty well.
Lastly, and slightly more difficultly - because, if I'm correct, the HOG doesn't make an appearance until Hawkins fashions it in the third para of your current synopsis, so there's no mention of it up until then in the book (?)- I'm going to take a liberty. Naturally I'm only going by the synopsis and I can see there'll be a great opening of warfare in the trenches, but if the book's about the HOG, either the concept of it, or a grand mystery needs to be introduced very quickly in the first chapter (IMHO). If anything I put in is untrue, then you'll have to change it (or make it true!):
One Page: Wounded and trapped in barbed wire in Paschendale's horror, Captain Hardy witnesses the mutilation of a fellow-officer by a shadowy figure who cruelly amputates the right hand. [does the person have to be alive for it to work? If so, put something to that end. Would be a great scene if so: the shot and the shell and the screams of the dying and a wounded Hardy unable to move or cry out to stop it as tennant struggles feebly... Because so many men were blown to pieces, the idea of a hand removed may not have any impact, unless there's already a mystery when the book opens, viz:] Seven officers have been found dead with similar mutilations and the morale of the men has suffered terribly with lurid tales of an awful beast that haunts the battlefield, disfiguring the dead. [That's all made up, obviously, but it focuses attention wonderfully on the hand...] Hardy is rescued by Adams, a close comrade who'd joined up with him. Despite his own wounds, Adams drags Hardy to safety, and they are taken to the first aid station. By chance, Hardy recognises the mutilator when the aid station is caught in a night-time bombardment, and realises it is Hawkins [you'll have to put their ranks in], as he sees him looting the dead around them. Adams is killed protecting Hardy from Hawkins, who flees, deserting.
He shelters with a family of French criminals well-known to him, and becomes very friendly with Marie, the daughter. The reason for the dreadful mutilations becomes clear when he creates The Hand of Glory, a demonic instrument for thieves and murderers. It allows unseen and unheard access to any place, with a dreadful price to pay for the privilege: human souls. Disturbed by this horrific implement, the parents try to kill Hawkins, but he is warned by Marie and uses the Hand of Glory on them and takes their souls. They decide to wait out the war before setting on a path to enrich themselves.
Hardy survives the war and returns to his home town, traumatised by the horrors he's seen, and only recovers slowly, aided by Agnes, a nurse, who is the cousin of the officer Hawkins mutilated. When Hardy is visited by the ghost of Adams he is convinced of his own madness, especially when Adams tells him of the Hand of Glory. But in 1922 Hawkins and Marie arrive in the town [you'll have to put something in the book that they were all from the same town - as often happened - otherwise it will seem a bad coincidence that Hawkins turns up here. Maybe it's not Hardy's home town, but he hears about the awful mrders and begins to believe Adams' ghost really does exist] and Hardy knows he must stop them, after unexplained murders plague the area.
With himself and Agnes in mortal danger, Hardy relies of the ghost of Adams to save them, and tracks Hawkins to Chartley Moss, a floating peat bog, eerily reminiscent of Paschendale's mud and he's nearly overcome by horrors of the memories that threaten to overwhelm him. With Agnes taken, Hardy rallies from his shock and pits himself against Hawkins and the Hand of Glory. In a climactic battle, Hawkins falls and drowns, trapped beneath the moss. The Hand's demonic power is shattered and the dead souls are released, to their eternal rest. Adams bids a farewell to Hardy, and he and Agnes make their way to safety. [not sure what happens to Marie - I hope Hawkins takes her soul to try to hide...]
As I say, the prose is off the top of my head, but I feel it does bring more atmosphere, a better taste of what HOG should represent to agents and publishers. Hope this helps, and good luck!!!
http://www.annemini.com/?p=12652
It's a very long read over two blogs, but well worth it. Quite a way in, she says:
and:
It's only an opinion, (just as mine is!) but I think there's broad agreement about that, and if I recall correctly, Teresa pointed out that in the US agents tend to read the synopsis first and in the UK second (after the sample chapters), which makes for more acidic-stomach worrying about getting it right.
Here's my sixpennyworth on Hand of Glory. (I love the title, btw!)
If the lady quoted above is correct, then your synopsis is going to be seen as an outline, and it does come over as one: it's lacking any real emotive strengths that must exist in the book itself, and, for me, it's quite 'dry' (despite being an aspiring writer, I can't come up with any better descriptive word than that, at the moment!) and I can't get a sense of the characters or the excitement/danger/horror that's there. P'raps this exercise might help.
Write: 1. a one-line synopsis 2. A one-paragraph synopsis 3. A one-page synopsis. (and more if it's asked for). This always helps me distill the essence of the story into what is the most important aspect of the whole book, and then flesh it out, with that at its core. Naturally, you've done that, but I'm a little concerned that your opening paras don't immediately hook. Saying:
sets the scene, but doesn't set it apart from so many other WWI stories, and an agent/publisher with 200 other submissions to read may say 'Oh, it's a WWI tale of revenge and Birdsong did it much better, so I'll pass' even if he gets to the second paragraph. The introduction of the Hand of Glory - the one aspect that does set this book apart from all those others doesn't come until the third para, and I'm worried you'll have lost too many onlookers by then. To hook them and hold them, I feel you need to begin with the Hand of Glory - there's an instant dichotomy that intrigues with this, because it's anything but Glory, and the horror of the trenches will be a marvellous counterpoint to that, which will be roundly emphasised by the stealing of souls. I think it's a brilliant title, but you must make more of it. This is the essence of your story, so let's try the exercises. (I'm doing this off the top of my head, so I know it can be improved a great deal more...)
One sentence: The Hand of Glory, a stealer of men's souls that is fashioned in the horror of the Paschendale's trenches is loose in the world, and one man who was there sets out to find and destroy it.
Okay it's a long sentence, but I think it encompasses the story. Dramatically, I know it's not actually 'loose' in the world (a picture of the hand in the Addams family comes to mind) but it does bring a certain frisson, with it, doncha think? If you want a short pitch, then maybe having this in your introductory letter might be a great hook, no? Viz:
Dear John,
The Hand of Glory, a stealer of men's souls that is fashioned in the horror of the Paschendale's trenches is loose in the world, and one man who was there sets out to find and destroy it.
I would very much like to send you my book Hand of Glory. It is complete at 97,000 words and I have enclosed the first three chapters and a synopsis, as your website requests. etc etc.
Moving on...
One Paragraph: In the horror of the Paschendale's trenches, a worse evil than death is fashioned: The Hand of Glory steals men's souls, and shields the user from sight, enabling them to rob and murder with ease. Captain Hardy witnesses the mutilations that create it, narrowly escaping death at the hands of Hawkins, the man constructing it. In the years after the war, Hardy is visited by the ghost of Adams, one of those killed, and comes to understand what the Hand of Glory is. Guided by Adams, he pursues Hawkins, and in a climactic battle on a floating peat bog, Hardy manages to overcome him, and the trapped souls are released.
Both these two have put the Hand of Glory at the forefront of the story, which is where it should be. I know Hardy doesn't find out what the HOG is, until after the war, but we're trying to attract the reader, not tell the story in an exactly linear fashion. (BTW, I think you'll have to change Hardy's first name... alliteration to famous authors...) I do think some of the sub-plots should be left out, as they distract, rather than adding anything. The introduction of so many characters in your first para is a tad confusing, especially the bit about Hawkins and his brother and Tennant, since we will think they're important to the plot, but they're not, really. The important people are Hardy, Hawkins and Adams, and the one para brings them in pretty well.
Lastly, and slightly more difficultly - because, if I'm correct, the HOG doesn't make an appearance until Hawkins fashions it in the third para of your current synopsis, so there's no mention of it up until then in the book (?)- I'm going to take a liberty. Naturally I'm only going by the synopsis and I can see there'll be a great opening of warfare in the trenches, but if the book's about the HOG, either the concept of it, or a grand mystery needs to be introduced very quickly in the first chapter (IMHO). If anything I put in is untrue, then you'll have to change it (or make it true!):
One Page: Wounded and trapped in barbed wire in Paschendale's horror, Captain Hardy witnesses the mutilation of a fellow-officer by a shadowy figure who cruelly amputates the right hand. [does the person have to be alive for it to work? If so, put something to that end. Would be a great scene if so: the shot and the shell and the screams of the dying and a wounded Hardy unable to move or cry out to stop it as tennant struggles feebly... Because so many men were blown to pieces, the idea of a hand removed may not have any impact, unless there's already a mystery when the book opens, viz:] Seven officers have been found dead with similar mutilations and the morale of the men has suffered terribly with lurid tales of an awful beast that haunts the battlefield, disfiguring the dead. [That's all made up, obviously, but it focuses attention wonderfully on the hand...] Hardy is rescued by Adams, a close comrade who'd joined up with him. Despite his own wounds, Adams drags Hardy to safety, and they are taken to the first aid station. By chance, Hardy recognises the mutilator when the aid station is caught in a night-time bombardment, and realises it is Hawkins [you'll have to put their ranks in], as he sees him looting the dead around them. Adams is killed protecting Hardy from Hawkins, who flees, deserting.
He shelters with a family of French criminals well-known to him, and becomes very friendly with Marie, the daughter. The reason for the dreadful mutilations becomes clear when he creates The Hand of Glory, a demonic instrument for thieves and murderers. It allows unseen and unheard access to any place, with a dreadful price to pay for the privilege: human souls. Disturbed by this horrific implement, the parents try to kill Hawkins, but he is warned by Marie and uses the Hand of Glory on them and takes their souls. They decide to wait out the war before setting on a path to enrich themselves.
Hardy survives the war and returns to his home town, traumatised by the horrors he's seen, and only recovers slowly, aided by Agnes, a nurse, who is the cousin of the officer Hawkins mutilated. When Hardy is visited by the ghost of Adams he is convinced of his own madness, especially when Adams tells him of the Hand of Glory. But in 1922 Hawkins and Marie arrive in the town [you'll have to put something in the book that they were all from the same town - as often happened - otherwise it will seem a bad coincidence that Hawkins turns up here. Maybe it's not Hardy's home town, but he hears about the awful mrders and begins to believe Adams' ghost really does exist] and Hardy knows he must stop them, after unexplained murders plague the area.
With himself and Agnes in mortal danger, Hardy relies of the ghost of Adams to save them, and tracks Hawkins to Chartley Moss, a floating peat bog, eerily reminiscent of Paschendale's mud and he's nearly overcome by horrors of the memories that threaten to overwhelm him. With Agnes taken, Hardy rallies from his shock and pits himself against Hawkins and the Hand of Glory. In a climactic battle, Hawkins falls and drowns, trapped beneath the moss. The Hand's demonic power is shattered and the dead souls are released, to their eternal rest. Adams bids a farewell to Hardy, and he and Agnes make their way to safety. [not sure what happens to Marie - I hope Hawkins takes her soul to try to hide...]
As I say, the prose is off the top of my head, but I feel it does bring more atmosphere, a better taste of what HOG should represent to agents and publishers. Hope this helps, and good luck!!!
