opinion on a simile. does it work?

[hopewrites]

Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like ripples on a pond in the rain.

because today is a Doubt Day, and I just need someone else to come along behind me and tell me that I'm not off my rocker for wanting to pursue this writing thing.

rain=gloom in far too many peoples minds, so I'm playing on that.
murmurs<= fear someone is talking behind your back about you (always for me anyway)
discontent is something I can taste on the air like rain and seems to expand out from its source the way rings expand on still surfaces.

all together do you get the picture of a populace growing discontented but leaderless in it's discontent, thinly veiling their discontent for the moment, but unable to mask the gloom of oppression and fear?

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Yes. Yes, I do. It's a good simile, and gives me exactly the impressions you say you're trying to convey.

 

[HareBrain]

I like the image suggested by the ripples expanding and overlapping, relating to the rumours. My problem is with the words "chased each other around", because that isn't what ripples do. I'd prefer a different verb, perhaps something to do with spreading.

 

[hopewrites]

murmurs of discontent [blank]ing through the castle, like ripples on a pond in the rain.

something that water might do? since we have rain and a pond already?

seeping through the castle?
washing over the castle?

something a bit more murmuresk.

echoing through... no
spread?


murmurs of discontent spread through the castle like ripples on a pond in the rain

gah. that's just what you said.
i like it. but.
*keeps thinking*
i like chasing because that's what the murmurs are doing. echoing fits with that, but echoing is wrong.
oozing?
murmurs of discontent oozed throughout the castle. growing and changing like ripples on a pond in the rain

now its too long but the oozing has a sinister taint to it i like.
*keeps thinking*

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Flowed? Flowing?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Circled?

 

[HareBrain]

Ripples cross each other, interfere with each other, make patterns with each other, thus, almost feed on each other. I can see rumours doing that too, as they spread, but the single word that would get that across eludes me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Tangled. Or it might need two words to get the codependency shown. Rumours circled and tangled?

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Knitted and unravelled?

 

[HareBrain]

Oops, I keep talking about "rumours" and there weren't any in the OP! And now I've dragged Springs into my web of misreading.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Proof I'm easily led, probably. Or needed coffee.

 

[Ursa major]

I like the image suggested by the ripples expanding and overlapping, relating to the rumours. My problem is with the words "chased each other around", because that isn't what ripples do. I'd prefer a different verb, perhaps something to do with spreading.

Ripples cross each other, interfere with each other, make patterns with each other, thus, almost feed on each other. I can see rumours doing that too, as they spread, but the single word that would get that across eludes me.

Actually, what hope describes can and does happen (though not with ripples).

Imagine rain - not heavy, but coming in bursts, driven by a blustery wind across a body of water. The areas where the rain is landing on the surface move about, often in different directions. Hope's sentence reminded me of this, but I needed to put some work into the mental process, suggesting that the simile isn't quite there. The water doesn't help, as it, unlike the land, is affected by the wind in a way that takes time to disappear (all those inconvenient ripples).

So instead of

Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like ripples on a pond in the rain.

perhaps we could try something along the lines of:

Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like leaves darting this way and that, driven by a blustery wind.

or:

Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like leaves in the thrall of a blustery wind.

 

[HareBrain]

Chasing works better with leaves in wind, true, but that loses an important (for me) element of the original.

The reason I like the ripples simile is that ripples expand: one can imagine the murmurs growing. Perhaps they start independently, from individual raindrops, but then cross, affecting each other.

The elusive verb could, actually, be "rippled". Then you'd have a better verb (IMO) but you'd have to lose the simile itself.

 

[prizzley]

I love the original, Hope. Don't over-complicate it.

 

[Ursa major]

The trouble with ripples is that it's often easy to see where they start, unless there are so many of them that the surface simply becomes choppy.

(Which reminds me: is anyone executed for starting these rumours...?)

 

[Boneman]

I like oozed - kinda sinister, and relentless - a bit like mud or lava. ooh.... oooh....

Murmurs of discontent oozed throughout the castle. Growing and changing like lava bubbling below the surface, about to erupt

 

[hopewrites]

they'll probably be like lava later
but now they are just starting.

my mc won't be executing anyone for them, but people will die over it.writing something of a tragity.

I'd try danced but it doesnt convey the somber mood.. i could move the rippling forwad


murmurs of discontent rippled around the castle as though it were a pond in the rain.


but now it feels forced and heavy handed and i cant tell if its becasue i have in fact over thought it, or because i havent had breakfast.
*eats and tries to think less*

 

[Sander]

That latest version does sound forced. That would work without the "as though it were a pond in the rain". Maybe something like "as though they were raindrops disturbing a pond"?

 

[David Evil Overlord]

As though they were meteors, disturbed by some great big planet that just stepped out in front of them without even looking where it was going?

 

[mithril]

I prefer rippled without the pond in the rain simile... Maybe the analogy could be set up previously? My attempt seems clunky as well but maybe a better version of -

The [event] was like the first drop of rain on a calm pond, and soon murmurs of discontent were rippling through the castle.

or maybe not