opinion on a simile. does it work?

[Tyburn]

Do you really need a simile? Just a thought.

"The air was heavy with murmurs of discontent; even the most optimistic fool could tell something had to happen and happen soon."

 

[Chel]

"Ripple" to me suggest one clear pattern of concentric circles of waves. It clashes with the rain hitting the pond, as the rain would create a myriad of these ripples.
As Ursa said, the surface then becomes choppy, rather than rippled.

How about "Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like waves hitting a cliff in heavy weather", or "waves hitting a rocky beach in a storm".

Or, what are those little bugs called that walk on water? Ah, thank you Google.. Water striders. "Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like water striders on a pond." You'd lose the rain effect, though, as these marvellous critters need calm waters to move around - but when they do move, they do so in a way that seems completely random, like your murmurs of discontent probably would too.

 

[hopewrites]

all good thoughts.

and in my fervor and enthusiasm I forgot to say thank you.

I'm trying to squeeze a lot of exposition about what is happening in the castle around the MC without having to introduce a lot of minor characters and show it.
a pond in a misty rain is the right image for what is going on.
there is a quiet sort of panic pervading the air.
no one wants to speak out, but everyone feels the hand of doom looming over head.
the protection (MC) the people had always been able to count on doesnt appear able or willing to face the threat camped outside the castle gates.
people want to have hope, but dont know how.

soon they will give up wanting to have hope.

I want to tease that out.

tensions are running high - lots of drops of rain to disturb the pond
their protection feels thin - surface tension on water - thin but strong
and breaking

the rain and the pond stay.

*epiphany eyes*

The air was thick with discontent. Her people were beginning to break, like the surface of a pond under a relentless rain.

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Hope, I don't know if you've ever read Look To Windward by Iain M Banks, but he has several crowd scenes that consist of nothing but dialogue. Not even he said, she said. Not a word that's not in quotation marks.

And it works. It sets the scenes perfectly.

Don't know if that helps...

 

[mithril]

hopewrites - i like the latest version much better. I think it conveys what you want it to. My only quibble is 'relentless rain'. If the people are 'beginning to break' then correspondingly shouldn't the rain have just started? Maybe

The air was thick with discontent. Her people were beginning to break, like the surface of a pond under the first winter rain.

 

[Phyrebrat]

I see I'm late to this party but I wanted to say I liked both the original (minus the rain) and the new one.

The reason I liked ripples on a pond is because they're almost like opening mouths, expanding outwards and disseminating whatever. I think the raindrops bit overcomplicates it and to be honest, the first thing I thought of was 'cancelling each other out' which is what ripples can do if trough meets peak depending on amplitude

Then I decided not to be a d*** and think properly. I think they're both nice. I like the thought of water surface being 'broken' but wonder why it has to be qualified with winter rain. If you're referring to the end of a still mill pond summer then 'Autumn rain' may be 'better'?

Just to throw in another thought and possibly confuse matters more; have you thought about the surface being broken from below by some predatory fish. When a pike or perch is stalking, there will be these regular explosions of fry and other small fish that leap out the water - this fits your feeling/emotion better because discontent is a negative thing as is being chased by a predator... and at no extra cost, shoals of leaping tiddlers cause many ripples...

pH

 

[The Bloated One]

Hope,

Just a thought. Personally, I like running similes together, e.g.

Murmurs of discontent chased each other around the castle like rats on a sinking ship.

TBO

 

[JoanDrake]

The first one conveys well, but not all you say you want to. Putting in "entangling" makes it better, but still not quite complete. It's very possible you may be asking too much of too few words. It's a good simile though, so just leave it alone. You don't want your reader jumping out of the story even to say "oh, that's clever"

 

[Kyza]

'Rumours battling eachother like ripples' - maybe...sounds fierce, but also that there are numerous, differing rumours amoungst the people

 

[hopewrites]

I went with spring rain. Because it tied the opening back down and flowed with the emotive tension of the piece.

thanks again to all who responded.