Some of you (ha!) have seen this scene before, but I've played around with it trying to make it clearer what's going on, and I don't know if I've achieved the opposite. I need to totally nail it this time. It's a short prologue. I stuck some questions at the end.
(PS If any of the newbies have time, it'd be good to know if it works or confuses. Also, if it hooks. I'm guessing the bulk of the critters here know the scene too well to be objective.)
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PROLOGUE
The prism twisted on its thin chain, refracting sunlight from the cell’s small window, and Ealyn watched the rainbows dart.
Footsteps approached, clipped, not the boots of the guards. He moaned, loud in the quiet cell, and closed his eyes, screwing them tight against the prism’s light. There was a grating noise as the cell opened.
The footsteps stopped. Oh, gods. He waited, head down. Please, let her go. Let today not be a day for tormenting him. He clenched his fists, ears alert, his breathing shallow.
“Show me a vision of my future.” The Empress’ first touch entered his mind.
He whipped his head to the side, trying to force her away. Once, he’d been strong enough to hold her back but not now, after the time he’d been held.
“No.” His wrists jerked in their manacles, rubbing the broken skin beneath. The pain brought him back and made his mind a little clearer. “No.”
“Tell me.” Her voice was forceful, demanding obedience, and his eyes opened, even as he fought to hold them closed.
Her mind drilled into his. He gulped against the pain but it grew, getting deeper and deeper, until it touched his very core.
“Look at the light.” Her voice was softer now, seductive. The first hint of an end to his pain caressed him, making him yearn for the touch of her reward even as he hated himself for it. “Look at the prism.”
He turned and the prism’s light caught his eyes, making him fall into the future, moving from the cell, up, up, through the palace to the grand entrance hall. Ahead stood a stone arch and his blood ran cold, knowing where it led: the torture chambers of Omendegon.
On a dais to the side, a woman and man stood. He was forced to his knees before them. Their minds invaded his, their joint power – greater than the Empress’, greater than his had ever been – touched his thoughts and took them for their own. He screwed his eyes against the invasion, knowing they’d find him guilty and know him for the rebel he was.
“Look at them.” The Empress’ voice rang from the balcony above, and he lifted his head. He ran his gaze over the pair and stopped at their eyes: green, the same as his. He took in the woman. She had the sharp face and high cheekbones of the Empress, framing eyes of green. He turned his attention to the man. Dark hair, falling over his pale face, the same searing green eyes as the woman. Ealyn gasped. He could be looking at himself. Finally, he knew why he’d been taken.
A wave of exultation ran from the Empress. She’d got what she wanted: children born of their combined powers, who could be shaped and moulded to further her empire. He watched, helpless in his future, as his children pronounced judgement on him and sentenced him to the chambers.
The vision faded and she pulled out of his mind. His head sank forward, drained of all energy. Dimly, he heard her leave the cell: she’d got the confirmation she wanted.
The dancing light surrounded him, inviting him back to the future. He dipped his eyes, shielding himself, but still the pin-pricks caught him.
A parrot’s screech startled him. The cell changed to a jungle-encroached path, dappled in warm sunlight. Holbec, he decided, near the Banned base. Something buzzed close to his cheek and he lifted his hand to swat it, but the chains of his past self stopped him. He frowned, trying to remember which Ealyn he was.
The sound of laughter drifted up the path. He turned a corner. Two children walked ahead, dark heads together as they talked.
“Hey!” His words were croaked from thirst.
They turned, their green eyes meeting his. He drew in a sharp breath. They smiled at him, happiness coming off them in waves...
Ealyn spun out of the vision, closing his eyes against a rush of nausea. His. They were his. Around him the rainbows danced. He could go back to the future, take another look and be sure. He closed his eyes. That was what the Empress wanted; to trap him in the future, where his power would drain from him in vision after vision, a performing Seer, imprisoned and docile. Her presence surrounded him, emanating from the very walls themselves. He took the vision of the children in the jungle, happy, with him, and held it in front of him. He needed to find the path to that future, not the one with his ruined, lost children.
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Information level -- it has been indicated that sometimes I throw too much out at the beginning. anyone dizzy with info-overload?
Is it clear what's happening. Specifically is it clear this is not a dream-sequence, and that the light is being used as a trigger for visions?
Hooky? Would you read on?
Thanks, all.
PS it's very quiet on crits at the moment, are we all shirking off?
(PS If any of the newbies have time, it'd be good to know if it works or confuses. Also, if it hooks. I'm guessing the bulk of the critters here know the scene too well to be objective.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
PROLOGUE
The prism twisted on its thin chain, refracting sunlight from the cell’s small window, and Ealyn watched the rainbows dart.
Footsteps approached, clipped, not the boots of the guards. He moaned, loud in the quiet cell, and closed his eyes, screwing them tight against the prism’s light. There was a grating noise as the cell opened.
The footsteps stopped. Oh, gods. He waited, head down. Please, let her go. Let today not be a day for tormenting him. He clenched his fists, ears alert, his breathing shallow.
“Show me a vision of my future.” The Empress’ first touch entered his mind.
He whipped his head to the side, trying to force her away. Once, he’d been strong enough to hold her back but not now, after the time he’d been held.
“No.” His wrists jerked in their manacles, rubbing the broken skin beneath. The pain brought him back and made his mind a little clearer. “No.”
“Tell me.” Her voice was forceful, demanding obedience, and his eyes opened, even as he fought to hold them closed.
Her mind drilled into his. He gulped against the pain but it grew, getting deeper and deeper, until it touched his very core.
“Look at the light.” Her voice was softer now, seductive. The first hint of an end to his pain caressed him, making him yearn for the touch of her reward even as he hated himself for it. “Look at the prism.”
He turned and the prism’s light caught his eyes, making him fall into the future, moving from the cell, up, up, through the palace to the grand entrance hall. Ahead stood a stone arch and his blood ran cold, knowing where it led: the torture chambers of Omendegon.
On a dais to the side, a woman and man stood. He was forced to his knees before them. Their minds invaded his, their joint power – greater than the Empress’, greater than his had ever been – touched his thoughts and took them for their own. He screwed his eyes against the invasion, knowing they’d find him guilty and know him for the rebel he was.
“Look at them.” The Empress’ voice rang from the balcony above, and he lifted his head. He ran his gaze over the pair and stopped at their eyes: green, the same as his. He took in the woman. She had the sharp face and high cheekbones of the Empress, framing eyes of green. He turned his attention to the man. Dark hair, falling over his pale face, the same searing green eyes as the woman. Ealyn gasped. He could be looking at himself. Finally, he knew why he’d been taken.
A wave of exultation ran from the Empress. She’d got what she wanted: children born of their combined powers, who could be shaped and moulded to further her empire. He watched, helpless in his future, as his children pronounced judgement on him and sentenced him to the chambers.
The vision faded and she pulled out of his mind. His head sank forward, drained of all energy. Dimly, he heard her leave the cell: she’d got the confirmation she wanted.
The dancing light surrounded him, inviting him back to the future. He dipped his eyes, shielding himself, but still the pin-pricks caught him.
A parrot’s screech startled him. The cell changed to a jungle-encroached path, dappled in warm sunlight. Holbec, he decided, near the Banned base. Something buzzed close to his cheek and he lifted his hand to swat it, but the chains of his past self stopped him. He frowned, trying to remember which Ealyn he was.
The sound of laughter drifted up the path. He turned a corner. Two children walked ahead, dark heads together as they talked.
“Hey!” His words were croaked from thirst.
They turned, their green eyes meeting his. He drew in a sharp breath. They smiled at him, happiness coming off them in waves...
Ealyn spun out of the vision, closing his eyes against a rush of nausea. His. They were his. Around him the rainbows danced. He could go back to the future, take another look and be sure. He closed his eyes. That was what the Empress wanted; to trap him in the future, where his power would drain from him in vision after vision, a performing Seer, imprisoned and docile. Her presence surrounded him, emanating from the very walls themselves. He took the vision of the children in the jungle, happy, with him, and held it in front of him. He needed to find the path to that future, not the one with his ruined, lost children.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Information level -- it has been indicated that sometimes I throw too much out at the beginning. anyone dizzy with info-overload?
Is it clear what's happening. Specifically is it clear this is not a dream-sequence, and that the light is being used as a trigger for visions?
Hooky? Would you read on?
Thanks, all.
PS it's very quiet on crits at the moment, are we all shirking off?
