Last time. Promise. :D 800 words

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Jo Zebedee

Aliens vs Belfast.
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blah - flags. So many flags.
Some of you (ha!) have seen this scene before, but I've played around with it trying to make it clearer what's going on, and I don't know if I've achieved the opposite. I need to totally nail it this time. It's a short prologue. I stuck some questions at the end.

(PS If any of the newbies have time, it'd be good to know if it works or confuses. Also, if it hooks. I'm guessing the bulk of the critters here know the scene too well to be objective.)

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PROLOGUE

The prism twisted on its thin chain, refracting sunlight from the cell’s small window, and Ealyn watched the rainbows dart.



Footsteps approached, clipped, not the boots of the guards. He moaned, loud in the quiet cell, and closed his eyes, screwing them tight against the prism’s light. There was a grating noise as the cell opened.


The footsteps stopped. Oh, gods. He waited, head down. Please, let her go. Let today not be a day for tormenting him. He clenched his fists, ears alert, his breathing shallow.



“Show me a vision of my future.” The Empress’ first touch entered his mind.



He whipped his head to the side, trying to force her away. Once, he’d been strong enough to hold her back but not now, after the time he’d been held.


“No.” His wrists jerked in their manacles, rubbing the broken skin beneath. The pain brought him back and made his mind a little clearer. “No.”



“Tell me.” Her voice was forceful, demanding obedience, and his eyes opened, even as he fought to hold them closed.



Her mind drilled into his. He gulped against the pain but it grew, getting deeper and deeper, until it touched his very core.



“Look at the light.” Her voice was softer now, seductive. The first hint of an end to his pain caressed him, making him yearn for the touch of her reward even as he hated himself for it. “Look at the prism.”



He turned and the prism’s light caught his eyes, making him fall into the future, moving from the cell, up, up, through the palace to the grand entrance hall. Ahead stood a stone arch and his blood ran cold, knowing where it led: the torture chambers of Omendegon.



On a dais to the side, a woman and man stood. He was forced to his knees before them. Their minds invaded his, their joint power – greater than the Empress’, greater than his had ever been – touched his thoughts and took them for their own. He screwed his eyes against the invasion, knowing they’d find him guilty and know him for the rebel he was.



“Look at them.” The Empress’ voice rang from the balcony above, and he lifted his head. He ran his gaze over the pair and stopped at their eyes: green, the same as his. He took in the woman. She had the sharp face and high cheekbones of the Empress, framing eyes of green. He turned his attention to the man. Dark hair, falling over his pale face, the same searing green eyes as the woman. Ealyn gasped. He could be looking at himself. Finally, he knew why he’d been taken.



A wave of exultation ran from the Empress. She’d got what she wanted: children born of their combined powers, who could be shaped and moulded to further her empire. He watched, helpless in his future, as his children pronounced judgement on him and sentenced him to the chambers.



The vision faded and she pulled out of his mind. His head sank forward, drained of all energy. Dimly, he heard her leave the cell: she’d got the confirmation she wanted.



The dancing light surrounded him, inviting him back to the future. He dipped his eyes, shielding himself, but still the pin-pricks caught him.



A parrot’s screech startled him. The cell changed to a jungle-encroached path, dappled in warm sunlight. Holbec, he decided, near the Banned base. Something buzzed close to his cheek and he lifted his hand to swat it, but the chains of his past self stopped him. He frowned, trying to remember which Ealyn he was.



The sound of laughter drifted up the path. He turned a corner. Two children walked ahead, dark heads together as they talked.



“Hey!” His words were croaked from thirst.



They turned, their green eyes meeting his. He drew in a sharp breath. They smiled at him, happiness coming off them in waves...



Ealyn spun out of the vision, closing his eyes against a rush of nausea. His. They were his. Around him the rainbows danced. He could go back to the future, take another look and be sure. He closed his eyes. That was what the Empress wanted; to trap him in the future, where his power would drain from him in vision after vision, a performing Seer, imprisoned and docile. Her presence surrounded him, emanating from the very walls themselves. He took the vision of the children in the jungle, happy, with him, and held it in front of him. He needed to find the path to that future, not the one with his ruined, lost children.

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Information level -- it has been indicated that sometimes I throw too much out at the beginning. anyone dizzy with info-overload?

Is it clear what's happening. Specifically is it clear this is not a dream-sequence, and that the light is being used as a trigger for visions?

Hooky? Would you read on?

Thanks, all.

PS it's very quiet on crits at the moment, are we all shirking off? :D
 
Hey, springs
Clear to me what's happening. The two visions one after the other was a bit heavy for me. I didn't have a chance to breathe before Ealyn was off again. A little too much all at once, but it could be my personal taste.

I've said before that I think it's hooky, and this hasn't changed my opinion.

On sentence made me go, 'hmm':
'Please, let her go.'
Should there be a 'by' on the end of that sentence? As in, please let her go by my cell.

Hope that helps.
 
Ah, I remember this. *sharpens claws*

The prism twisted on its thin chain, refracting sunlight from the cell’s small window, and Ealyn watched the rainbows dart. - could make the last clause a new sentence, and I'd definitely change 'dart' to 'dance' ['dart' feels like it needs more, whereas 'dance' doesn't].

after the time he’d been held - Hmm. Maybe 'after time and torment had stolen his strength/eroded his power etc etc'?

rubbing the broken skin - chafing?

obedience, and his - I'd probably cut this into two sentences.

getting deeper and deeper, - could make this 'deepening [ever more]', if you prefer.

children born of - borne?

On information, I think a little more regarding his physical condition prior to the Empress' arrival (pain, broken skin, too weak to stand etc etc) might help. Not oodles of it, just a few sentences/paragraphs.
 
Seeing this for the first time I would say that I thought he was being forced to a vision the first time and it was unpleasant for him.

The second vision seemed more spontaneous and in his favor but the final paragraph confused me. I wasn't sure why he was sick and less certain about his conclusion unless he felt that the first forced vision had rebounded him to the second and that he felt he could easily be compelled to stay within the vision and that that was the trap being set for him.

As a whole I felt the starting was a bit choppy with all the comma's and would have been happier with a bit smoother flow and connection of thought that doesn't require so many stops. It starts so choppy that half way through I was sea sick the rest of the way to the end and not really interested in going on.

Also if this is meant to be a hook I wasn't seeing it and I think it is because there seemed to be no emotion invested into it. It might be the abundance of stops and it could easily be a matter of pacing that causes the whole thing to flatten out as I read it.

I want to see and feel his pain because it seems it's there, but I can't get myself into it.
 
Thanks, Aber, Thaddeus. Easy fixes, except the speed of the visions. I'll have to think about that one.

I think the speed of the visions coming together so close is an easy fix too, springs. Even a single paragraph, perhaps describing Ealyn trying to get his breath back (even if he doesn't manage), would probably do it for me.

As ever, it's only my opinion, so a pinch of salt. :)
 
This is one of the few things that I have read that was so hooky that when I saw the first sentence it was like coming home and smelling cinnamon rolls. waves of nostalga bringing back everything I've greedily read from the story line.
I hope that answers for its hookyness, if not, I would say that its more so this time than when I read it what feels like ages and ages ago.

I'm still tempted to identify with the Empress more than her prisoner this early on. Maybe that says more about me than it does about your writing, idk. I feel it was very easy to slid into his POV this time and really feel the story from his side of it.

I love the visions, I agree they come fast, but I wouldnt say they come too fast. I feel it illustrates the rapidity with which he must deal with them, and shows that he is not a weakling wizard and puts greater peril/emphases on the fact that he has been captured.
 
I'm sure I've seen this before...;):).

It's short and sweet, and (trying to look at it throught 'new' eyes) it's clear what's going on, from the very beginning, so I have no problems with it at all. So that only leaves nitpicks...

Would he have tried to kill himself, if he could? If so, you need padded manacles, so he can't drag against the metal and open an artery or two...

Footsteps approached, semi colon here, I feel clipped, not the boots of the guards.

Rather than "Show me a vision of my future" would "You will show me the future" be more in keeping with her absolute power? She's done this loads of times before, so I feel she'd be more demanding, she knows he's going to do it.

A wave of exultation ran from the Empress

Sounds like it escaped... Burst from? Enveloped?

I guess the one thing that's missing, though in so many ways we understand he's been tortured in this way before, is what happened all the other times? Has he previously managed not to show her? He must have done, because this is what the Empress wants to see, and she's finally got it, and is exultant. So to distinguish between this event and all the others that preceded it, should you show that? ie that this scene is where his final barrier is broken, and he does reveal the future? That might go a little way towards increasing the intrigue/tension, and rather than him falling silent when he comes from the seeing, shouldn't he be raving and screaming "No! Never! I won't do it!" and she gives one of those evil laughs the filmakers love so much. And then, this burst of hatred/anguish gives him the strength to do the second vision, a small mistake by the Empress? Because she wouldn't want him wandering off and looking at the future all the time, would she? I vaguely recall that madness lay that way, and he might prefer that, and would surely be trying for it, to thwart her plans, no?
 
Aye, Sensei. (The Irish version. :D) Yes, it works much better if he forces himself into that second vision, and it gives the break Aber feels would be good. Plus it makes him more active in a passive position. Thanks, I knew there was an element not quite right, and I think this is it. I have held back on the evil laugh, though. I'm sure she cackles from time to time, anyway. :)

Tinkerdan, Hopewrites, many thanks. Hopefully BM's semi softens those first commas.
 
The prism twisted on its thin chain, refracting sunlight from the cell’s small window as Ealyn watched the rainbows dance/dart.

Footsteps approached, clipped, not the boots of the guards. He moaned, loud in the quiet
cell and closed his eyes, screwing them tight against the prism’s light. There was a grating noise as the cell opened.

He turned and the prism’s light caught his eyes, making him fall into the future, moving from the cell, up,
up and up (this is just how I would have done this, I found the two up’s abrupt – don’t ask me why) through the palace to the grand entrance hall. Ahead stood a stone arch and his blood ran cold, knowing where it led: the torture chambers of Omendegon.

The above is nits, buddy and really can be ignored. I felt the first few lines were a little comma happy making the lines feel a little jerky instead of just flowing – this might just be me but it’s what I felt/thought. – Just read the reviews, I’m not alone – some relief for me as this comment felt very subjective.


Information level -- it has been indicated that sometimes I throw too much out at the beginning. anyone dizzy with info-overload?

No, it’s manageable to me. I’d have even liked a little more description at the start, you dived into the scene very quickly.

Is it clear what's happening. Specifically is it clear this is not a dream-sequence, and that the light is being used as a trigger for visions?

Clear enough.

Hooky? Would you read on?
Yes, but I’d be thinking this is a Dune spin off, or here anyway. This visions of the future bit was very Dune like.


PS it's very quiet on crits at the moment, are we all shirking off?

I agree, I need my fix! Was that a question? See how on edge I am, I’m critting a rhetorical question!

This is old stuff from you, are you thinking of a re-write? For me, old ideas don’t go away either, just lurk in the dark corners of my mind causing trouble and bullying new ideas when I’m not watching. Anyway, well handled I’d say, good luck with it.
 
Cheers, Bowler. Those commas are gonna have to go, evidently.

Abendau has just had a back seat for a wee while, as it's been tied up with the Harper window (and still is, but they can't need much longer. Surely). I can't see a rewrite of the whole thing, just a tidy up for now, and a few wee changes to reflect later stuff in the trilogy.
 
springs, this is very hooky and definitely makes me want to read more. one thing i have a problem (well, not a problem, more confusion) with is just how he sees the future and carries the Empress with him. it seems as if he's bodily there, but yet he has carried the Empress there as well? i had a problem reconciling his actual physical body being there - he rises up through the ground (no body presumably) but is forced to his knees (in his body, presumably), also, i agree the two visions need a break...

so my attempt to get my thoughts over (i have ignored punctuation etc):

--------------------------------------------------------------------------




Her mind drilled into his. He gulped against the pain but it grew, getting deeper and deeper, until it touched his very core.



“Look at the light.” Her voice was softer now, seductive. The first hint of an end to his pain caressed him, making him yearn for the touch of her reward even as he hated himself for it. “Look at the prism.”



He turned and the prism’s light caught his eyes, making him fall forward, out of his body and into the future, moving from the cell, up, up, through the palace to the grand entrance hall. Ahead stood a stone arch and his blood ran cold, knowing where it led: the torture chambers of Omendegon. He stopped there, where he had so many times before, pushing desperately back against the Empress' mind. Then something inside him broke, and he knew this was the day he would be unable to stop it. Before he knew it he was outside, the Empress carried with him.



On a dais to the side, a woman and man stood. A pitiful bedraggled figure in rags knelt before them, guards on either side. Ealyn recognised the figure as himself and before he knew it, he was inside his own mind. He felt their minds invade his, their joint power – greater than the Empress’, greater than his had ever been – touched his thoughts and took them for their own. He screwed his eyes against the invasion, knowing they’d find him guilty and know him for the rebel he was.



“Look at them.” The Empress’ voice rang from somewhere above, and he lifted his head. He ran his gaze over the pair and stopped at their eyes: green, the same as his. He took in the woman. She had the sharp face and high cheekbones of the Empress, framing eyes of green. He turned his attention to the man. Dark hair, falling over his pale face, the same searing green eyes as the woman. Ealyn gasped. He could be looking at himself. Finally, he knew why he’d been taken.



A wave of exultation flowed from the Empress and broke Ealyn's connection with his future self. She’d got what she wanted: children born of their combined powers, who could be shaped and moulded to further her empire. He watched, helpless in his future, as his children pronounced judgement on him and sentenced him to the chambers.



The vision faded and she pulled out of his mind. His head sank forward, drained of all energy. Dimly, he heard her leave the cell: she’d got the confirmation she wanted. Exhausted, he dropped into unconsciousness.


The impossible smell of damp leaves woke Ealyn some time later. Dancing light surrounded him, inviting him back to the future. He dipped his eyes, shielding himself, but still the pin-pricks caught him.



A parrot’s screech startled him. The cell changed to a jungle-encroached path, dappled in warm sunlight. Holbec, he decided, near the Banned base. Something buzzed close to his cheek and he lifted his hand to swat it, but the chains of his past self stopped him. <...>



The sound of laughter drifted up the path. Two children walked around the corner, dark heads together as they talked.



“Hey!” His words <..> croaked from thirst.



They looked up, their green eyes meeting his. He drew in a sharp breath. They smiled at him, happiness coming off them in waves...



Ealyn spun out of the vision, closing his eyes against a rush of nausea. His. They were his. Around him the rainbows danced. He could go back to the future, take another look and be sure. He closed his eyes. That was what the Empress wanted; to trap him in the future, where his power would drain from him in vision after vision, a performing Seer, imprisoned and docile. Her presence surrounded him, emanating from the very walls themselves. He took the vision of the children in the jungle, happy, with him, and held it in front of him. He needed to find the path to that future, not the one with his ruined, lost children.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

the bits in red are my thoughts on clarifying so i know what is going on. of course, this is just what's going on in my mind so might be rubbish! and i don't know the greater context of this so might have it all wrong. also, not sure if i have overtepped the line in terms of the amount of changes i have made, so apologies if i have...
 
springs, this is very hooky and definitely makes me want to read more. one thing i have a problem (well, not a problem, more confusion) with is just how he sees the future and carries the Empress with him. it seems as if he's bodily there, but yet he has carried the Empress there as well? i had a problem reconciling his actual physical body being there - he rises up through the ground (no body presumably) but is forced to his knees (in his body, presumably), also, i agree the two visions need a break...

It's fabulously useful, thankyou. Would it put you off that you didn't know how all this was happening just now? The way the visions work gets explained in Chapter One, and the Empress' mind link comes in around about Chapter Four. I don't want this to turn into a huge info-dump, but rather be more of a teaser.

(He physically stays in the cell, btw, but his mind occupies the older himself, but she is linked to his thoughts and can see it all.)
 
It's fabulously useful, thankyou. Would it put you off that you didn't know how all this was happening just now? The way the visions work gets explained in Chapter One, and the Empress' mind link comes in around about Chapter Four. I don't want this to turn into a huge info-dump, but rather be more of a teaser.

(He physically stays in the cell, btw, but his mind occupies the older himself, but she is linked to his thoughts and can see it all.)

no that wouldn't put me off at all - i get that it's a vision and that the empress is making him do it - finding out just how and why is one reason i'd read on.

and if he stays in the cell i think you might need to clearly identify him leaving his body, floating around a bit, and then entering his future self. on the first reading i thought his future children were judging his present self...

glad to help, and happy that it actually is a help!
 
Hello, I'm new here, so I thought I'd have a look at your story/prologue.

Her mind drilled into his. He gulped against the pain but it grew, getting deeper and deeper, until it touched his very core.

The pain touching at his 'core' sounds cliche. I'd prefer to see this written as in a more detailed way. For example, where does it touch and how does it feel. Is it icy or fiery, or numb? Does the pain pinch at his skin, or crawl underneath?


On a dais to the side, a woman and man stood. He was forced to his knees before them. I'm wondering here whether this is a physical 'forced,' or a mind 'forced.' Perhaps have this sentence after the next one, i.e., Their minds invaded his [forcing him to his knees before them] Their minds invaded his, their joint power – greater than the Empress’, greater than his had ever been – touched his thoughts and took them for their own. He screwed his eyes against the invasion, knowing they’d find him guilty and know him for the rebel he was.


“Look at them.” The Empress’ voice rang from the balcony above, and he lifted his head. He ran his gaze over the pair and stopped at their eyes: green, the same as his. He took in the woman. She had the sharp face and high cheekbones of the Empress, framing eyes of green. He turned his attention to the man. Dark hair, falling over his pale face, the same searing green eyes as the woman. Ealyn gasped. He could be looking at himself. Finally, he knew why he’d been taken.
Lots of reference to green eyes. For the woman's eyes, I think the second reference loses its power, so it only needs to be told once.


Information level -- it has been indicated that sometimes I throw too much out at the beginning. anyone dizzy with info-overload? No. I didn't feel overloaded with information.

Is it clear what's happening. Specifically is it clear this is not a dream-sequence, and that the light is being used as a trigger for visions? Again. I picked up what was happening in that he was having these visions. Now sure I actually picked up that the colour was being used to trigger the visions.

Hooky? Would you read on? As this is a prologue, I would read on past this to the first chapter. What I'd really be looking for in there are the stakes, obviously his children being in there are stakes, but for me as a reader (and I emphasise ME) I need these things to be spelled out, if you leave subtle clues, I may miss them.

I hope you find my opinion useful.

Alice
 
I did, thank you, Brookerbrin. One too many greens, I see. :D

So, the stakes are the children, the next chapter opens seven years later with him and his kids in a spaceship on the run, and leads to him realising that in taking the children he has opened the path to an even worse future. Would those stakes be enough for you and tie into this well enough?
 
a spaceship?? that would certainly be a surprise to me as i thought it was going down the olde timey fantasy type story...

maybe you could throw a bit of tech into the prologue?
 
a spaceship?? that would certainly be a surprise to me as i thought it was going down the olde timey fantasy type story...

maybe you could throw a bit of tech into the prologue?

It's always been a risk with this prologue. But it is very short, and chapter one definitely has a sci fi feel, plus the book's marketed as science fantasy. But if I could think of something that doesn't add to the confusion (ie why do we have blasters in a fantasy-style prologue, does this writer have any notion what she's doing? Shhh, everyone, of course I do. :D) but gave a tech-y edge, it might be good. But, again, I worry about the confusion.

Besides, maybe an Oh, wow, wasn't expecting a space ship might be quite good fun?
 
Hmmm if it's clear that it's a space fantasy then the beginning could be a good way to throw people off the scent briefly. The only ways I can see that you could subtly throw in a bit of tech would be maybe the cell doors "hissing open" or a mention of futuristic manacles.
 
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