Last time. Promise. :D 800 words

[BookerBrin]

I did, thank you, Brookerbrin. One too many greens, I see.

So, the stakes are the children, the next chapter opens seven years later with him and his kids in a spaceship on the run, and leads to him realising that in taking the children he has opened the path to an even worse future. Would those stakes be enough for you and tie into this well enough?

This is the very reason I would read on!

I think I may have only picked up half of your intention about the way the visions work, but that is something that I would be curious enough about to read further. So, while it may not be 100% clear, it doesn't need to be so early on.

I would assume that his reasons, and the fact that in taking the children, the future is then skewed to a different path, would become clear through reading the story.

 

[Mr Orange]

Magnetic manacles might be quite cool. I might go with that. Thanks!

that would work. i couldn't think of how to make the manacles techy without making them corny (i.e. with flashing lights etc) but magno-manacles will do it...

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

I do remember seeing a variant of this a few months ago.
This one works well - I deduced that the first vision includes a bad future with his children as rulers (that's right I hope). The second one is a bit "what's going on here?" but by the end I got that this was a vision of a different future.
The second vision is one that the Empress doesn't want him to have, isn't it? So possibly indicate at the start of it that he's invited the vision for this reason? The prism's still in the cell, is it?

I note from the discussion that this isn't the usual fantasy, but set in the future. If you wanted to indicate that in the prologue, apart from the manacles there isn't much to work on except for the door and window. But these could be made futuristic in a few words. The door could be of stainless steel with powered multi-point locking, and the window could be of toughened glass in a plastic frame with alarm wires (or whatever you like).
Would I read on? Yes.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I would assume that his reasons, and the fact that in taking the children, the future is then skewed to a different path, would become clear through reading the story.

Yes, that's the focus of the early story.

The second vision is one that the Empress doesn't want him to have, isn't it? So possibly indicate at the start of it that he's invited the vision for this reason? The prism's still in the cell, is it?

Following on from Boneman's suggestion that's pretty well what I have done and it definitely works better.

I note from the discussion that this isn't the usual fantasy, but set in the future. If you wanted to indicate that in the prologue, apart from the manacles there isn't much to work on except for the door and window. But these could be made futuristic in a few words. The door could be of stainless steel with powered multi-point locking, and the window could be of toughened glass in a plastic frame with alarm wires (or whatever you like).

Yes, I'll have a think about that. I think even one hint might be good, although chapter one does open unashamedly space opera-esque, so a hint is all that's needed, I think.

Would I read on? Yes.

Yay! Ty.

 

[AJB]

I read this for the first time. I'll try and answer your questions.


Information level -- it has been indicated that sometimes I throw too much out at the beginning. anyone dizzy with info-overload?

I did feel thrown a little in the deep end, but in a good way on the whole. Because of the nature of being 'in the deep end' there was a sense of a steep learning curve, but again, that felt OK because there was only a few things I had to calibrate in my mind to know what was going on. I believe this is better than having explanations for the things that were happening, especially for a prologue.




Is it clear what's happening. Specifically is it clear this is not adream-sequence, and that the light is being used as a trigger for visions?

Yes, I understood what was happening and worked out about the nature of the light and why the empress kept it there. Also, I didn't think it was a dream-sequence. The way I understood it, the first vision was the forced vision the empress wanted to happen, for clarification of her plans for the children. The second vision that Ealyn had was not forced (however, the empress wants him to have idle visions to drain his power and keep him docile). The second vision gave him hope about the possible future involving his children (I liked how his paternal nature gave him this hope). I think what may help for readability is for a slightly longer pause between the two visions, to make the transition slightly clearer for the reader.

Hooky? Would you read on?

I would so far. I do think that 'visions' can be a little clichéd, even though in this case it is different from the regular dream sequences where visions are usually held. This short prologue can work for me though. I would be more hooked if you perhaps gave us a little glimpse of the relationship between Ealyn and the Empress, beyond the queen and her captive seer that is - what was the relationship before? (even if this is just a line or two hinting at this question). Perhaps me asking this question is enough for the prologue, though, and you intend to go more into that later.


A couple of nit-picks:


The line 'Please, let her go.' confused me a little. I thought it was a plea to free someone else at first.


The line: 'The Empress’ first touch entered his mind.' I wasn't entirely sure why it was first touch.




On the whole, I think you done well to throw the reader into a vivid scene and establish questions about possible futures drawn from the motives of conflicting characters.

 

[AJB]

After reading the other comments. I agree about bringing in subtle elements of the futuristic! This will help with hookiness and intrigue. I agree, as it stands, that it feels like standard fantasy, which isn't a problem as such, but I personally think the mix of fantasy/futuristic setting will enhance the prologue a lot.

 

[HareBrain]

+1 for "magnacles".

(Of course, in the golden age of pulp you could have called them "space cuffs" and had done with it.)

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thanks AJB, lots to take from that. Space cuffs, eh? And what's wrong with that?

I shall switch them to magno ones and have the door humming as it opens. Fab!

 

[alchemist]

I hadn't realised you were marketing it as science fantasy. Normally I see the term used as a form of insult

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I don't actually know what it might be marketed as. I maybe lied. But it is space fantasy. Definitely. And growing moreso.

Never fear, though! Space opera is on the way back! You heard it here first. (According to some wishlists etc I've been looking at.) i could change the category to space opera, I guess. Decisions...