Homecoming - 990 words (complete story?)

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Mirannan

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This started off as my latest effort in the 75-word challenge. It isn't quite as I envisaged it, but then they never are, are they? Anyway, here we go:

Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.


I’m a fighter pilot. We have a bad reputation, but people forget one thing; there is a fierce joy in aerial combat, something that hasn’t been felt since the Middle Ages and maybe not then. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. Although this has been said far too often, it’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; things like not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out.


Not everyone feels the wild joy of combat, but I think that it’s those who don’t who die first. To really use your plane, it has to become an extension of your body and you have to like doing it. Sure, we got scared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes you feel more alive than ever. Who was it who said that, “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result”?


It was late 1944. Some of us had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Mostly, now, a bombing raid was escorted by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and people still died.


On the last raid, my squadron was about to turn back having reached the limits of our range; drop tanks had been dropped, and fuel was just about enough to get back. And then we ran into a heavy flak concentration that must be new for it hadn’t been mapped. Things started getting hairy.
One particular shell burst close that the blast knocked me out for a time. When I came to, I seemed to have somehow got turned around; I was heading roughly west, instead of east, and was out of the flak. I also seemed to have lost my squadron.


Well, I had been about to turn back anyway – so after trying without result to reach my squadron on the radio, I kept on going. I could see the glint of the Channel far in the distance.


After a few minutes of this, I picked up an escort. A very odd one, for I’d never seen this colour scheme on any Allied planes. My escort was a single Spitfire, painted in blinding white, with an even odder pilot. The canopy was pushed back, and the pilot’s unbound long blonde hair was blowing in the slipstream.


Time wore on. The sun sank in the West, and my escort and I reached the coast. Nature was really putting on a show; above me the sky was empyrean blue, with clouds of many colours; flamingo pink, burning orange, carmine red. And far in the West the Sun sat like the bonfire of the Gods. The sea, also, was extraordinary; the colour of molten bronze towards the west, and directly ahead deepest ultramarine. Not at all like the normal grey blanket of the Channel.


My escort waggled its wings, to attract my attention, and turned north. I followed, and very soon afterwards crossed the coast. The land, too, was spectacularly coloured; green as a carpet of emeralds.


And then it was time to descend, and to land. The base was not one I had ever seen before; the roof of the biggest building there, I supposed the hangar, was shiny like polished metal and the building was almost perfectly round. The last rays of the setting sun made it shine the colour of blood.

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
The landing went well; in fact, much better than any landing I’d done before – the field must have been as smooth as a stately house’s lawn.
I got a surprise when I rolled to a stop. There was a crowd there to meet me, all in party spirit; people in dishevelled uniforms, clutching tankards and bottles of beer – and a good many of them with one arm around a girl. Something very odd indeed was going on here!


And then I started realising what was going on. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even I began to realise there was something going on – when I started seeing people I knew were dead.


My escort pushed her way through the crowd. Very definitely “her”, at that. Blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, statuesque and dressed from head to foot in white leather, with pagan symbols (I thought Norse) picked out in silver on it. This vision finally spoke.


“Welcome. Within there is a feast and many good companions. Will you join us?”


There didn’t seem to be much to say to that, or to do – except to follow the crowd into the hangar, which turned out not to be a hangar at all but a gigantic feasting hall. Inside were tables laden with all the foods that had been in short supply and rationed for years, and many barrels – obviously of ale and such, for people were coming away from them with foaming tankards. There were many girls here, too, and let’s just say that they were friendly.


The hall itself was quite a picture. The roof was held up with many pillars, all made up of gun barrels and aircraft landing gear all welded together – and the roof, high above, was obviously made of aeroplane wings.


It was quite a party. I met many friends I hadn’t seen for years and thought I’d never see again. Eventually, I found a place to sleep it off. Next morning, despite the huge amounts of rich food and strong drink, I felt better than I’d felt in years. And then I finally realised for sure what had happened, when the Tannoy burst into life.


666th Squadron, Valhalla’s Own – Squadron Scramble!
 
It looks to me you could tighten things up a bit and clean up extraneous words.

What I mean by that is instead of starting I'm a fighter pilot. (which incidentally reminds me of Rays Stevens and the song about loggers. "I'm a logger.")

I redid the first paragraph to give you a notion of what I mean. Just remember I don't really know enough to do something that well, but one idea is to give it a better flow to help define the voice of the pilot. For your version you might want to add more of his enthusiasm and perhaps his cockiness into it all.
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Fighter pilots have a bad reputation, people fail to understand there's a fierce joy in aerial combat, something that hasn't been experienced since the Middle Ages and maybe not then. It’s you, your machine, your weapons and nothing else; going up against someone who is equally equipped. It's like knights of old as some would have it, with the same sense of chivalry. A code of honor that insists you don't shoot a pilot who admits defeat and bails out.
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Also this fellow needs a name preferably in the front half since this is so short.

Good story though. You just need to read it out loud and then rewrite it with an ear toward how you mean to have the pilot express his emotions.
 
And people still died – was stating the obvious when you could have used other images to make your point.
I also seemed to have lost my squadron – a little flat again, I felt there should have been a little more confusion here.

I enjoyed reading it and with some more editing to tighten up and keep the drama going you’ll have something that you could send off to some magazine. I picked just two statements that were flat for me and slowed things down for me, but mostly you were telling me what I’d already picked up from the writing. In effect, telling me what you’d already shown. The introduction/start needs more work for me, but the later stages flowed well for me. Try for more of the pilots voice, as if it’s a person telling us his story over a beer. I don’t want to give you too much of my advice in case you make too many changes and take something that is working well and muck it up, it was entertaining.

I’ve also got a story from the competitions on here, they plant seeds that grow. Votes are nice, not that I’ve ever got many, but for the ideas alone, that makes it all worthwhile, which is why I keep plugging away each month. So I’ll leave you to your plugging, and try and find a member with magazine experience for a little extra help, there are a few knocking around on here – but not me, I’ve only ever had big ideas.
 
I like it. But I question having 666 ( the number that invokes the Devil) as the squadron, and who are they going off to fight? And the opening line presages that he's dead (it is a 'he' isnt it? Sudden thought...) so p'raps: 'I got through the war. I think.' might intrigue a little more?
 
Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.I'll disagree with Boneman here, this doesn't say he's dead to me right away, but more that he may not have made it through as a fighter pilot. But a bit more ambiguity might be nice.


I’m a fighter pilot. We have a bad reputation, but people forget one thing; there is a fierceI like fierce joy in aerial combat, something that hasn’t been felt since the Middle Agesnot entirely sure what this means, and since you return to the analogy in a moment, I'd be inclined not to make the jump here and maybe not then. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. Although this has been said far too often, it’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; things like not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out.


Not everyone feels the wild joythis time, though, it has less impact. Something other than joy? of combat, but I think thatyou could lose this that it’s those who don’t who die firstIn fact, I think the sentence could maybe be tidier. To really use your plane, it has to become an extension of your body and you have to like doing it. Sure, we got I wonder about get, got feels like a tense changescared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes youI'd kind of like it to settle into either me the narrator, or us the team, or you the wider everyone, flitting between them isn't quite working for me feel more alive than ever. Who was it who said thatagain, I'd drop that, “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result”??" I wonder about a comma after exhilarating, too, but that's a preference thing.


It was late 1944. Some of us had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Mostly, nownot sure about the repeat of now, a bombing raid was escorted by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and people still died.For me, as a non military person, I got confused.What's the point of bringing the bombers if they don't have the range?

On the last raid, my squadron was about to turn back having reached the limits of our range; drop tanks had been dropped, and fuel was just about enough to get back. And thenconsider dropping and then, as I think it slows it a little we ran into a heavy flak concentration that must be new for it hadn’t been mapped. Things started getting hairy.
One particular shell burst close enough? that the blast knocked me out for a time. When I came to, I seemed to have somehow got turned aroundI think this sort of sentence could be tidied up to give more tension.

I'd got turned around, heading west instead of east. Worse, I was out of flak, and I'd lost my squadron.

The seems aren't working for me because it's happened, there is no seem about it, so I'd prefer statements to that effect.
; I was heading roughly west, instead of east, and was out of the flak. I also seemed to have lost my squadron.


Well, I had been about to turn back anyway – so after trying without result to reach my squadron on the radio, I kept on going. I could see the glint of the Channel far in the distance.


After a few minutes of thisdrop of this. I'm also wondering, a bit, why the last paragraph if he'd gong to pick up an escort. As this is such a central bit, I'd like the escort to feel central, as it is, it almost seems that he meanders into it. , I picked up an escort. A very odd one, for I’d never seen this colour scheme on any Allied planesI'd leave this for a minute. Let the rest of his description start to make the reader wonder and then drop the bomb at the end that they're right? I think a reader likes to work a little bit. . My escort was a single Spitfire, painted in blinding white, with an even odder pilot. The canopy was pushed back, and the pilot’s unbound long blonde hair was blowing in the slipstream.


Time wore on. The sun sank in the West, and my escort and I reached the coast. Nature was really putting on a show; above me the sky was empyrean blue, with clouds of many colours; flamingo pink, burning orange, carmine red. And far in the West the Sun sat like the bonfire of the Gods. The sea, also, was extraordinary; the colour of molten bronze towards the west, and directly ahead deepest ultramarine. Not at all like the normal grey blanket of the Channel.I really like this paragraph. I'd like some urgency in there, though. Worry about his fuel, maybe? Worry about his squadron?


My escort waggled its wings, to attract my attention, and turned north. I followed, and very soon afterwards crossed the coast.This confused me as I thought he'd already flown over the sea. Maybe followed the coast? The land, too, was spectacularly coloured; green as a carpet of emeralds.


And then it was time to descend, and to land. The base was not one I had ever seen before; the roof of the biggest building there, I supposed the hangar, was shiny like polished metal and the building was almost perfectly round. The last rays of the setting sun made it shine the colour of blood.Okay, so you had me hooked with the odd plane, but then nothing has happened, and I'm standing to wonder where this is going.


The landing went well; in fact, much better than any landing I’d done before – the field must have been as smooth as a stately house’s lawn.
I got a surprise when I rolled to a stop. There was a crowd there to meet me, all in party spirit; people in dishevelled uniforms, clutching tankards and bottles of beer – and a good many of them with one arm around a girl. Something very odd indeed was going on here!


And then I started realising what was going on. I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even I began to realise there was something going on – when I started seeing people I knew were dead.Again, I'd like a nice show to take me through that realisation. You know, one waves, he waves back and wham! there's so and so who bought it last week. Let the reader realise it at the same time as the narrator. As it is, I think we're ahead of him, and it takes away a bit of the tension.


My escort pushed her way through the crowd. Very definitely “her”, at that. Blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, statuesque and dressed from head to foot in white leather, with pagan symbols (I thought Norse) picked out in silver on it. This vision finally spoke.


“Welcome. Within there is a feast and many good companions. Will you join us?”


There didn’t seem to be much to say to that, or to do – except to follow the crowd into the hangar, which turned out not to be a hangar at all but a giganticmaybe just giant? feasting hall. Insidedrop -- we know he went inside were tables laden with all the foods that had been in short supply and rationed for years, and many barrels – obviously of ale and such, for people were coming away from them with foaming tankards. There were many girls here, too, and let’s just say that they were friendlynice.


The hall itself was quite a picture. The roof was held up with many pillars, all made up of gun barrels and aircraft landing gear allI'd drop the repeat of all welded together – and the roof, high above, was obviously made of aeroplane wings.


It was quite a party. I met many friends I hadn’t seen for years and thought I’d never see again. Eventually, I found a place to sleep it off. Next morning, despite the huge amounts of rich food and strong drink, I felt better than I’d felt in years. And then I finally realised for sure what had happened, when the Tannoy burst into life.So, is he dead too? I didn't know.


666th Squadron, Valhalla’s Own – Squadron Scramble!”[/QUOTE] I like this line, but I still don't quite get it. Are they a dead squadron that rescue others, and if so is he dead. I'd sort of like it to be a little clearer.

Overall, despite the red (you got me on an editing day) I liked the premise and much of the imagery. I thought you had bits where you could have got more tension in and, like Tinkerdan, I'd have liked it a little tighter. But I think it has great promise. Oh, and I'd like some sort of moral or message at the end to make me feel I got payback for reading it. :)
 
Thanks for the feedback. Now that the forum's working again (thanks Brian :) ) here's my second attempt:

Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.


My name is Sam Armstrong, and I’m one of the RAF’s best. Fighter pilots have a bad reputation, but people forget one thing; there is a fierce joy in aerial combat. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. Although this has been said far too often, it’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; with rules such as not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out.


Not everyone feels the wild rush of combat, but I think it’s those who don’t who die first. To really use your plane, it has to become an extension of your body and you have to like doing it. Sure, we get scared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes us feel more alive than ever. “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.”


It was late 1944. Some of us had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Mostly, a bombing raid was escorted most of the way by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines nine times out of ten, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and there were still empty places at table. It was getting more like a game of Russian roulette with no prizes, than a duel of honour.


On the last raid, my squadron was about to turn back; drop tanks had been dropped, and fuel was just about enough to get back. And then we ran into a heavy flak concentration that must be new for it hadn’t been mapped. Things started getting hairy.


One particular shell burst so close that the blast knocked me out for a time. When I came to, I was heading roughly west, instead of east, and was out of the flak. I’d also lost my squadron.


Well, I had been about to turn back anyway – so after trying without result to reach my squadron on the radio, I kept on going. I could see the glint of the Channel far in the distance.


After a few minutes, I picked up an escort. My escort was a single Spitfire, painted in blinding white, with an even odder pilot. The canopy was pushed back, and the pilot’s unbound long blonde hair was blowing in the slipstream. Whose air force is that plane from?

Time wore on. The sun sank in the West, and my escort and I reached the enemy coast. Nature was really putting on a show; above me the sky was empyrean blue, with clouds of many colours; flamingo pink, burning orange, carmine red. And far in the West the Sun sat like the bonfire of the Gods. The sea, also, was extraordinary; the colour of molten bronze towards the west, and directly ahead deepest ultramarine. Not at all like the normal grey blanket of the Channel.


I began to worry about fuel, because I had no idea how long I’d been out. But a quick check showed me that it couldn’t have been very long; I didn’t have plenty, but probably had enough.


My escort waggled its wings, to attract my attention, and turned north. I followed, and very soon crossed our coast. The land, too, was spectacularly coloured; green as a carpet of emeralds.


And then it was time to descend, and to land. The base was not one I had ever seen before; the roof of the biggest building there, I supposed the hangar, was shiny like polished metal and the building was almost perfectly round. The last rays of the setting sun made it shine the colour of blood. My peculiar escort roared off into the setting sun, doing a victory roll as it went. I lost sight of the plane, because it was time to land.

[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
The landing went well; in fact, much better than any landing I’d done before – the field must have been as smooth as a stately house’s lawn.


I got a surprise when I rolled to a stop. There was a crowd there to meet me, all in party spirit; people in dishevelled uniforms, clutching tankards and bottles of beer – and a good many of them with one arm around a girl. Something very odd indeed was going on here!


My friends Sandy and Lofty waved at me from the front of the crowd. Hang on a minute – Sandy went into the drink last week. And Lofty blew up in mid-air yesterday. And then, even I (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) began to realise what was going on.


My escort turned up, and pushed her way through the crowd. Very definitely “her”, at that. Blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, statuesque and dressed from head to foot in tight white leather, with pagan symbols (I thought Norse) picked out in silver on it. This vision finally spoke.


“Welcome. Within there is a feast and many good companions. Will you join us?”


There didn’t seem to be much to say to that, or to do – except to follow the crowd into the hangar, which turned out not to be a hangar at all but a gigantic feasting hall. There were tables laden with all the foods that had been in short supply and rationed for years, and many barrels – obviously of ale and such, for people were coming away from them with foaming tankards. There were many girls here, too, and let’s just say that they were friendly.


The hall itself was quite a picture. The roof was held up with many pillars, made up of gun barrels and aircraft landing gear all welded together – and the roof, high above, was obviously made of aeroplane wings.


Sometime during the party, I went outside for a breather and realised that the sky was completely unfamiliar. Perhaps I had somehow got to the Southern Hemisphere; I’d never Crossed the Line before.


It was quite a party. I met many friends I hadn’t seen for years and thought I’d never see again. Eventually, I found a place to sleep it off. Next morning, despite the huge amounts of rich food and strong drink, I felt better than I’d felt in years. And then I finally realised for sure what had happened, when the Tannoy burst into life.


666th Squadron, Valhalla’s Own – Squadron Scramble!” And off to glory...


It’s been seventy years, near as I can figure it, since that first glorious night and morning. The feasting all night and fighting all day has happened every day since the first.


The base has gradually changed; it grew a concrete runway a few years back, and the aircraft have changed as well. Mostly, now, they look like something even the comic books wouldn’t have featured when I got here. And the newcomer pilots look like Martians.


More and more often with each passing year, I ask myself a question. Am I being rewarded – or punished?
 
S'better, but.. why do fighter pilots supposedly have a bad rep? Also, anything from a carrier will be Navy, not Air Force.
 
Really great story, original and interesting. I agree you might tighten it up a little but I can't see any fault that hasn't been gone over already.

Except uh...possibly..to...uh...lose the first three paras.

Stop screaming, you don't have to listen to me, of all people, but this is supposed to be our opinion and IMO this story works much better if you begin simply with "It was late 1944" and go from there.

The first sentence telegraphs the ending and the next two paras are all telling and no showing.

OTOH, they're very well written and insightful into your character's psyche too. So couldn't you put them into a description of actual aerial combat? It would also make the story longer and IMO that would improve it's chances of being published.

But, on the OTOOH that might not work and...I don't know...please don't let me spoil such a good story.

The second version is better, and pretty much solves the problem. 's good, leave be and get thee to a publisher.
 
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JoanDrake - Wow!. Thanks. :)

Couple of questions; how the heck do I start finding a publisher for such a short work? And possibly just as much of a problem - what flipping genre is it in? It's not really fantasy, I think. Not really horror unless one stretches a point. It isn't really "general fiction" - or is it? And it certainly isn't SF!
 
For publication I think it could be tighter.
Ghost stories normally go under paranormal.
Goggle the Grinder and it will give you a list of paying markets. Also, Tickety boo press are requesting ghost stories for an anthology - there's a thread in press releases - and might be worth a sub to.

Good luck!
 
Hello.

I read the first story before, but didn't get chance to comment. I was going to suggest that you look at where the story should start, and I see that @JoanDrake beat me to it -- lose the first couple of paragraphs. Why? Because they're superfluous to the story.

Thanks for the feedback. Now that the forum's working again (thanks Brian :) ) here's my second attempt:

Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.
This is good. It piques the interest of the reader. It's a strong opener.


My name is Sam Armstrong, and I’m one of the RAF’s best. Fighter pilots have a bad reputation, but people forget one thing; there is a fierce joy in aerial combat. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. Although this has been said far too often, it’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; with rules such as not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out.
There is too much exposition here, and it doesn't have much to do with the story. Here, I'm wondering what the story is about. I would cut all of this. Same with the paragraph immediately after.


Not everyone feels the wild rush of combat, but I think it’s those who don’t who die first. To really use your plane, it has to become an extension of your body and you have to like doing it. Sure, we get scared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes us feel more alive than ever. “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” Same as above for this paragraph. It doesn't move the story forward. Having said you should cut these paragraphs, I should also add that I think the voice you use to tell the story is interesting and quirky.


This is where I think your story actually starts:
It was late 1944. Some of us had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Mostly, a bombing raid was escorted most of the way by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines nine times out of ten, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and there were still empty places at table. It was getting more like a game of Russian roulette with no prizes, than a duel of honour.
So, with your first line, then straight into the meat of the story, here, we have a date, and most people will be able to associate 1944 with the story you are about to tell. This gives the reader a sense of the story, and it's a much stronger pull to continue reading.

I hope this helps.
 
Oh. I also want to say that if you did cut the two paragraphs, you could keep the sentences and paste those you like or feel are important back into the story -- this enables you to write in your backstory avoiding info dumps and the like.
 
BookerBrin - Noted. Non-obvious literary allusion included. Is it too obscure? Try #3, with the really superfluous stuff removed and possibly important exposition woven in:

Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.


My name is Sam Armstrong, and I’m one of the RAF’s best. Fighter pilots have a bad reputation for arrogance and indiscipline, but that’s been true of warriors throughout history.


It was late 1944. Some of us had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Mostly, a bombing raid was escorted most of the way by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines nine times out of ten, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and there were still empty places at table.


There is a fierce joy in aerial combat. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. It’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; with unwritten rules such as not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out.


Sure, we get scared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes us feel more alive than ever. “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” But now it was getting more like a game of Russian roulette, with no prizes, than a duel of honour.


On the last raid, my squadron was about to turn back; drop tanks had been dropped, and there was just about enough fuel to get back. And then we ran into a heavy flak concentration that must be new for it hadn’t been mapped. Things started getting hairy.


One particular shell burst so close that the blast knocked me out for a time. When I came to, I was heading roughly west, instead of east, and was out of the flak. I’d also lost my squadron.


Well, I had been about to turn back anyway – so after trying without result to reach my squadron on the radio, I kept on going. I could see the glint of the Channel far in the distance.


After a few minutes, I picked up an escort. My escort was a single Spitfire, painted in blinding white, with an even odder pilot. The canopy was pushed back, and the pilot’s unbound long blonde hair was blowing in the slipstream. Whose air force is that plane from?


Time wore on. The sun sank in the West, and my escort and I reached the enemy coast. Nature was really putting on a show; above me the sky was empyrean blue, with clouds of many colours; flamingo pink, burning orange, carmine red. And far in the West the Sun sat like the bonfire of the Gods. The sea, also, was extraordinary; the colour of molten bronze towards the west, and directly ahead deepest ultramarine. Not at all like the normal grey blanket of the Channel.


I began to worry about fuel, because I had no idea how long I’d been out. But a quick check showed me that it couldn’t have been very long; I didn’t have plenty, but probably had enough.


My escort waggled its wings, to attract my attention, and turned north. I followed, and very soon crossed our coast. The land, too, was spectacularly coloured; green as a carpet of emeralds.


And then it was time to descend, and to land. The base was not one I had ever seen before; the roof of the biggest building there, I supposed the hangar, was shiny like polished metal and the building was almost perfectly round. The last rays of the setting sun made it shine the colour of blood. My peculiar escort roared off into the setting sun, doing a victory roll as it went. I lost sight of the plane, because it was time to land.[FONT=&quot][/FONT]


The landing went well; in fact, much better than any landing I’d done before – the field must have been as smooth as a stately house’s lawn.


I got a surprise when I rolled to a stop. There was a crowd there to meet me, all in party spirit; people in dishevelled uniforms, clutching tankards and bottles of beer – and a good many of them with one arm around a girl. Something very odd indeed was going on here!


My friends Sandy and Lofty waved at me from the front of the crowd. Hang on a minute – Sandy went into the drink last week. And Lofty blew up in mid-air yesterday. And then, even I (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) began to realise what was going on.


My escort turned up, and pushed her way through the crowd. Very definitely “her”, at that. Blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, statuesque and dressed from head to foot in tight white leather, with pagan symbols (I thought Norse) picked out in silver on it. This vision finally spoke.


“Welcome. Within there is a feast and many good companions. Will you join us?”


There didn’t seem to be much to say to that, or to do – except to follow the crowd into the hangar, which turned out not to be a hangar at all but a gigantic feasting hall. There were tables laden with all the foods that had been in short supply and rationed for years, and many barrels – obviously of ale and such, for people were coming away from them with foaming tankards. There were many girls here, too, and let’s just say that they were friendly.


The hall itself was quite a picture. The roof was held up with many pillars, made up of gun barrels and aircraft landing gear all welded together – and the roof, high above, was obviously made of aeroplane wings.


Sometime during the party, I went outside for a breather and realised that the sky was completely unfamiliar. Perhaps I had somehow got to the Southern Hemisphere; I’d never Crossed the Line before.


It was quite a party. I met many friends I hadn’t seen for years and thought I’d never see again. Eventually, I found a place to sleep it off. Next morning, despite the huge amounts of rich food and strong drink, I felt better than I’d felt in years. And then I finally realised for sure what had happened, when the Tannoy burst into life.


666th Squadron, Valhalla’s Own – Squadron Scramble!” And off to glory...


It’s been seventy years, near as I can figure it, since that first glorious night and morning. The feasting all night and fighting all day has happened every day since the first.


The base has gradually changed; it grew a concrete runway a few years back, and the aircraft have changed as well. Mostly, now, they look like something even the comic books wouldn’t have featured when I got here. And the newcomer pilots look like Martians.


More and more often with each passing year, I ask myself a question. Am I being rewarded – or punished?
 
BookerBrin - Noted. Non-obvious literary allusion included. Is it too obscure? Try #3, with the really superfluous stuff removed and possibly important exposition woven in:

Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.


My name is Sam Armstrong, and I’m one of the RAF’s best. Fighter pilots have a bad reputation for arrogance and indiscipline, but that’s been true of warriors throughout history. I still don't think this needs to be here. You could weave it into the story elsewhere, but I don't think we ever need to know his name either.


It was late 1944. Some of us had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Mostly, a bombing raid was escorted most of the way by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines nine times out of ten, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and there were still empty places at table.


There is a fierce joy in aerial combat. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. It’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; with unwritten rules such as not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out.


[This doesn't need to be a new paragraph Sure, we get scared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes us feel more alive than ever. “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” But now it was getting more like a game of Russian roulette, with no prizes, than a duel of honour.


On the last raid, my squadron was about to turn back; drop tanks had been dropped, Another word for dropped here. Two drops in the same sentence. and there was just about enough fuel to get back. And then we ran into a heavy flak concentration that must be new for it hadn’t been mapped. Things started getting hairy.


One particular shell burst so close that the blast knocked me out for a time. When I came to, I was heading roughly west, instead of east, and was out of the flak. I’d also lost my squadron.

Yes, it's better for having been cut back. The writing flows well, although at times, it still feels as though the story is meandering a bit. I think it needs a line-by-line edit, looking at individual sentences and where you can strengthen the meaning.
 
I really like this piece (even the first version!) - the whole intro about how being a pilot is like mediaeval combat immediately draws me in. The concept of being dead and also in Valhalla squadron is like a double whammy of unexpectedness - great job!

My single complaint is that by referring to things in the past, it slows the narrative. If this was all present tense and jiggled around a little I personally think you would have something more compelling because of the immediacy of present - but that could simply be a difference of artistic opinion, and I'm happy to accept being wrong with this.

Overall, though, it's a great idea. A project like this, well told, could work really well as a novel opening (IMO).
 
Brian - Funny you should say that. I have a vague idea of turning the idea into a novel with this piece as the starting chapter; the general idea would be to re-tell the story of Dante's Purgatorio in modern terms. But, frankly, I don't know whether I have the skill. I'm very much a beginner at this.

One more reason not to do that is a lot simpler. I've already got three WIPs on the go. :)

And one more; would anyone want to read it?
 
OK, another try:

Homecoming


I almost got through the War. Almost.


It was late 1944. Some of us in the RAF had been fighting for four years, but now the tide had turned and the dangers were different. Usually, a bombing raid was escorted most of the way by the new fighters that actually had the range – and all we did was burn petrol and wear out engines nine times out of ten, for the Luftwaffe had almost given up. But the flak batteries still had plenty of ammo, and there were still empty places at table.


There is a fierce joy in aerial combat. The feeling that it’s you, your machine and your weapons – and nothing else – up against someone else equipped basically the same. It’s something like the stories of the knights of old. And the same sort of chivalry exists, too; with unwritten rules such as not shooting at a pilot who’s lost and bailed out. Sure, we get scared; but it’s the sort of fear that makes us feel more alive than ever. “Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result.” But now it was getting more like a game of Russian roulette, with no prizes, than a duel of honour.


On the last raid, my squadron was about to turn back; drop tanks had been jettisoned, and there was just about enough fuel to get back. And then we ran into a heavy flak concentration that must be new for it hadn’t been mapped. Things started getting hairy.


One particular shell burst so close that the blast knocked me out for a time. When I came to, I was heading roughly west, instead of east, and was out of the flak. I’d also lost my squadron.


Well, I had been about to turn back anyway – so after trying without result to reach my squadron on the radio, I kept on going. I could see the glint of the Channel far in the distance.


After a few minutes, I picked up an escort. My escort was a single Spitfire, painted in blinding white, with an even odder pilot. The canopy was pushed back, and the pilot’s unbound long blonde hair was blowing in the slipstream. Whose air force is that plane from?


Time wore on. The sun sank in the West, and my escort and I reached the enemy coast. Nature was really putting on a show; above me the sky was empyrean blue, with clouds of many colours; flamingo pink, burning orange, carmine red. And far in the West the Sun sat like the bonfire of the Gods. The sea, also, was extraordinary; the colour of molten bronze towards the west, and directly ahead deepest ultramarine. Not at all like the normal grey blanket of the Channel.


I began to worry about fuel, because I had no idea how long I’d been out. But a quick check showed me that it couldn’t have been very long; I didn’t have plenty, but probably had enough.


My escort waggled its wings, to attract my attention, and turned north. I followed, and very soon crossed our coast. The land, too, was spectacularly coloured; green as a carpet of emeralds.


And then it was time to descend, and to land. The base was not one I had ever seen before; the roof of the biggest building, I supposed the hangar, was shiny like polished metal and the building was almost perfectly round. The last rays of the setting sun made it shine the colour of blood. My peculiar escort roared off into the setting sun, doing a victory roll as it went. I lost sight of the plane, because it was time to land.[FONT=&quot][/FONT]


The landing went well; in fact, much better than any landing I’d done before – the field must have been as smooth as a stately house’s lawn.


I got a surprise when I rolled to a stop. There was a crowd there to meet me, all in party spirit; people in dishevelled uniforms, clutching tankards and bottles of beer – and a good many of them with one arm around a girl. Something very odd indeed was going on here!


My friends Sandy and Lofty waved at me from the front of the crowd. Hang on a minute – Sandy went into the drink last week. And Lofty blew up in mid-air yesterday. And then, even I (not the sharpest knife in the drawer) began to realise what was going on.


My escort turned up, and pushed her way through the crowd. Very definitely “her”, at that. Blonde, blue-eyed, beautiful, statuesque and dressed from head to foot in tight white leather, with pagan symbols (I thought Norse) picked out in silver on it. This vision finally spoke.


“Welcome. Within there is a feast and many good companions. Will you join us?”


There didn’t seem to be much to say to that, or to do – except to follow the crowd into the hangar, which turned out not to be a hangar at all but a gigantic feasting hall. There were tables laden with all the foods that had been rationed for years, and many barrels – obviously of ale and such, for people were coming away from them with foaming tankards. There were many girls here, too, and let’s just say that they were friendly.


The hall itself was quite a picture. The roof was held up with many pillars, made up of gun barrels and aircraft landing gear all welded together – and the roof, high above, was obviously made of aeroplane wings.


Sometime during the evening, I went outside for a breather and realised that the sky was completely unfamiliar. Perhaps I had somehow got to the Southern Hemisphere; I’d never Crossed the Line before.


It was quite a party. I met many friends I hadn’t seen for years and thought I’d never see again. Eventually, I found a place to sleep it off. Next morning, despite the huge amounts of rich food and strong drink, I felt better than I’d felt in years. And then I finally realised for sure what had happened, when the Tannoy burst into life.


666th Squadron, Valhalla’s Own – Squadron Scramble!” And off to glory...


It’s been seventy years, near as I can figure it, since that first glorious night and morning. The feasting all night and fighting all day has happened every day since the first.


The base has gradually changed; it grew a concrete runway a few years back, and the aircraft have changed as well. Mostly, now, they look like something even the comic books wouldn’t have featured when I got here. And the newcomer pilots look like Martians.


More and more often with each passing year, I ask myself a question. Am I being rewarded – or punished?
 
There have been many versions of how to word your story, by those with greater things to say, so I'll leave be.

I love the concept - having done a Valkyries in modern warfare story myself - no bias, not at all *chuckle*

But, for me, if you're going to go with mythology, especially the High Halls, you need to stay in flavour.

540th.

The number of doors on Valhalla's hall.

It's an ideal oportunity to use a little detail that honours the subject matter... Possibly irrelevant to the casual reader but yielding a gem to those who dig and respect to those who know.
 
Sure, Rafellin. Thanks for that bit of info; my knowledge of Norse myth is actually quite limited. However, the 666 is deliberate. The last sentence - "am I being rewarded or punished?" goes with that. It's meant to imply that he might actually be in Hell.
 
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