Belated 2,000th post - Binary - 641 Words

[Abernovo]

In following with tradition, I thought I should put something up. I know this is a bit late, but I've been struggling a little with illness, so I hope you'll forgive me.

This isn't from right at the beginning, so not it might not all be clear. It's also only at first draft level, so I know it's several layers of crap.

A quick warning: this might be a little triggery for some people, so...

***********************

One perk of the new position was he didn't have to take his uniform off when he went home. The salute from the junior constable who stood at the pod station was nice, too.

Not everything had improved. He hadn't moved out of the lower levels. There was talk about better accommodation, but it would take more of his benefit. Anyway, the job was temporary. He'd be moving soon, right? Yeah, right. He'd just been asked to cover more shifts, perhaps take charge of one of the research groups. As always, he'd said yes.

And, it just kept getting better. His neighbour was coming up the avenue. As usual the sneer was on his face. Cal walked by. Somehow, he managed to keep his head up.

Alice was outside when he got home. He smiled at her, and she turned her head away. Not quickly enough.
"Are you all right?"

She mumbled something; Cal thought it might have been: "We'll be fine." She turned more. "Abi, come on inside, love." The little girl, barely more than a toddler, stood in the small garden, watching. She looked scared. Dried tears had been cleaned from her face, leaving her cheeks smeared and her eyes red.

Cal realised he was only scaring both of them more. "Okay. Sorry." He winced. Why was it he could never think of the words, not until the next day sometimes. And, sorry? Damn, he remembered those words, repeated, repeated. It had never worked then, either.

"Yeah, f**k off back inside, lily-boy."

Cal hadn't seen Rick returning. He must have only been going to the shop. Biting his lip--saying anything would only make it worse for Alice and Abi--Cal turned into his own lawn.

"Don't get your hopes up. He's not interested in you." Rick said. "Abi! You were told to get in! Do it, if you know what's good for you." The girl choked, then ran for the house on short legs.

"Rick don't. You'll scare her."

"She's my daughter, you b***h. I thought we spoke earlier?"

"I'm sorry, Rick."

Sorry. I'm sorry. Please, I'm sorry, I won't do it again.

Cal didn't realise he'd turned. His eyes weren't focussed.

"Yeah, lily-boy?"

"What is your problem, Rick? Does picking on those smaller than you make you feel strong?"

There was a feral gleam in the other man's eyes. "You're smaller than me. Maybe you should watch your mouth. Your uniform don't mean nothing down here."

He was right. Cal was smaller, by a head, and slighter. Even if he was no weakling, Cal was no fighter. That flashed through his head, but was crowded out by his anger. "Picking on little girls, your own daughter? Leave them alone, Rick. Maybe the uniform means nothing to you, but I could still talk to people."

"The big man, eh? I don't think so. How'd they ever let you in, with your father?" Rick crossed the small lawn.

"Rick, leave him, he's not worth it."

Cal stepped forward. "My father was scum, just like-"

Cal never saw the punch coming. He saw the next one, but it was too late. He'd folded over from the blow to his solar plexus. It connected with his temple. Lights exploded. His neck burnt. Cal put out a hand to stop himself hitting the floor, but it was too late. The knee caught him in the side. The last of his breath expelled. A heavy work boot drove into his ribs. There was red as another, or the same one, smashed into his nose.

From somewhere, someone shouted. "Rick! Stop it! You're killing him!"

There was a tooth on the ground. Where'd that come from? He tried to get up, dizzy, but something pushed him down again. His interface said something about an urgent message, disaster. He couldn't focus. Light faded...

 

[The Judge]

Congratulations on the 2,000th!! Sorry to hear you've been poorly -- hope you're feeling a little better now.

Anyway, it was a touch confusing at first read, not knowing who Alice and Abi were, as the "outside when he got home" suggested they belonged inside his home -- ie his girlfriend/whatever -- but if we've already seen them before then that problem would be eliminated. Some of the (presumably) backstory was a tad confusing, too, eg when he winces and "Why was it he could never think of the words" but again if this is obvious in context there's no problem.

Those things aside, the only bit which really pulled me up was Cal never saw the punch coming. He saw the next one, but it was too late. He'd folded over from the blow to his solar plexus. It connected with his temple. which sounds as if the blow to his s.p. connects with his temple... (Very odd anatomy there! ) I'm also not sure he'd see the second blow if he's folded over already, so it might be worth re-phrasing that.

Otherwise a good bit of writing -- I'm gobsmacked that it's only a first draft. Characters are shown well and with little fuss, the dialogue is very natural and real, it moves at a fair clip, and the use of internal thought is good. All in all a very good job. Well done!


PS I repeatedly read "pod station" as "plod station"

 

[thaddeus6th]

I hope your pestilence has been entirely cured, and does not recur.

Now that the niceness is out of the way, time for the critique. Mwahahaha!

new position - promotion?

He hadn't moved out of the lower levels - assuming he's been promoted there's a nice opportunity for a physical/authority contrast, such as: "Alas, whilst he was ascending the career ladder his home [or suchlike] remained on the lower levels".

benefit - as in pay? That sounds like state-sponsored cash given to the poor.

As usual the sneer was on his face - only a suggestion but you could make it something like: "As usual he wore blue jeans, a leather jacket and a sneer." Or [if he's in uniform]: "He wore the same uniform every day. Regulation trousers and shirt, and a regulation sneer on his face".

Not quickly enough. - I might tag this to the previous sentence and add a 'but' to join them up.

"Are you all right?" - probably add 'he asked'.

She mumbled something; Cal thought it might have been: "We'll be fine." - a colonectomy may be in order. 'She mumbled something about being fine' may read more easily.

Rick crossed the small lawn - 'crossed' is a little soft. Could have him striding across, maybe have Cal take a step backwards. Good opportunity for body language to show aggression and either resilience or intimidation.

"Rick, leave him, he's not worth it." - add a dialogue tag so we know it's Alice. The two people mentioned prior to the dialogue are the chaps, so it's a little unexpected to have her speaking without a name mentioned.

I like the fight paragraph.

From somewhere, someone shouted - Alice screamed? Nobody else (except Abi) has been mentioned, and Rick clearly has a reputation.

There was a tooth on the ground. - taste of blood in his mouth first?

 

[Abernovo]

Thanks TJ and Thad. No, I'm still wearing sackcloth, carrying a bell and banned from approaching the city gates. 'Unclean!'

Thank you for your kind words, Your Honour. I try to fix most of the spelling and structure as I go, but I agree, that would be very unusual anatomy indeed. I'll get to that. It made sense to me when I was writing it but, obviously, others read the words, not my mind.

Thad, the benefits are kind of salary, but it's an almost cashless society. Instead, your work earns you rights, varying on your tier. If this is shown over the next couple of chapters, would it still be problem word for you?

I think crossed is perhaps a little weak. Rick's the school bully who never grew out of it, so the big gesture might be right.

All useful bits of feedback from you both. So, thanks again.

 

[Mouse]

Hope you feel better soon, me ansum.

I've read this and not got a clue what's going on. Found it hard to follow but that's because I don't know the characters. As you've said this isn't from the start, I'm sure I would've followed it fine knowing previous stuff.

"Don't get your hopes up. He's not interested in you." Rick said.

Comma at the end after 'you' there, but I'm sure you know that and it's just a first draft thing.

It seemed to start at a fairly normal pace, then go a bit nuts here:

Alice was outside when he got home. He smiled at her, and she turned her head away. Not quickly enough.
"Are you all right?"

She mumbled something; Cal thought it might have been: "We'll be fine." She turned more. "Abi, come on inside, love." The little girl, barely more than a toddler, stood in the small garden, watching. She looked scared. Dried tears had been cleaned from her face, leaving her cheeks smeared and her eyes red.

 

[Boneman]

Hi Aber, congratulations on 2,000! I like the premise and a clear picture of Cal came through very well. I'm uncertain why he's scaring them more, because he's just arrived back in his uniform, how does that scare them? He smiles at her and she turns her heads away makes it sound that she's turning from his smile, when you say 'not quickly enough'. Presumably Rick has hurt her physically? I am confused and I agree more exposition, even speech indicators, would help.

Is 'it just kept getting better' sarcastic? Because in the next line the neighbour is sneering at him, and he 'manages' to keep his head high. And it only now occurs to me that Alice is married to Rick? Nothing to do with Cal, except as a neighbour? And cal is just interfering to stop abuse? I thought Alice was his wife, because you said Alice was outside when he got home, so I naturally assumed...

You might want to consider renaming one of the females - when you scan quickly, Abi and Alice are too close sounding and looking. (If you scan as quickly as I do, that is!)

Good to see more of your writing, and I hope you're feeling better soon.

 

[WriterJosh]

One perk of the new position was he didn't have to take his uniform off when he went home. The salute from the junior constable who stood at the pod station was nice, too.

I'm going to assume you named him in an earlier paragraph. I know you give him a name later, but if you refer to him as "he" several times before naming him, that's a bit late.

She mumbled something; Cal thought it might have been: "We'll be fine."

Just an opinion...I don't think a semi-colon is appropriate here. These really are two separate sentences. She mumbles. Cal thinks. The ideas are related but one leads to another. They are not the same thought. But that's just my opinion.

Cal realised he was only scaring both of them more.

That's a little clunky. "Cal realized he was only making them more afraid." One less word (every little bit cleaner helps), and you don't use "scared/scaring" twice that close together.

"Yeah, f**k off back inside, lily-boy."

Cal hadn't seen Rick returning. He must have only been going to the shop. Biting his lip--saying anything would only make it worse for Alice and Abi--Cal turned into his own lawn.

"Don't get your hopes up. He's not interested in you." Rick said. "Abi! You were told to get in! Do it, if you know what's good for you." The girl choked, then ran for the house on short legs.

For the first few sentences there, I thought it was Alice who had told Cal to f--- off. You gotta specify that a new person has entered the scene, and saying "he hadn't seen Rick enter the scene" is not enough for me to know you mean it's now him speaking.

Nice start, I like the introduction of Cal's backstory and Rick makes a pretty good boo-hiss bad guy, but Cal's not impressing me as a hero so far. No, he doesn't need to win the fight, but he should get some punches in. Unless he's supposed to be weak, but you've established that he's not a weakling. When you said he was no fighter, I assumed you meant he preferred to avoid fights. If you meant he can't fight at all...how'd he get to be a cop?

But some of this may be explained later.

 

[hopewrites]

The only thing that confused me from the scene was if the two women (ok I know one is a little girl) were part of Rick's family or Cal's. They dont seem to be related. I entertained the idea of a rough father/son relationship, but the banter between them proved that wrong.
Abi and her daughter seem to be part of Cal's family as they are waiting around at his home. But the daughter is Cal's and he does have a jealous xboyfriend tint about him... so that was the family dynamic I finally settled on.

I love the way the names fit the characters, and how clearly they show up in my mind.
There were a few places I felt it could do with a little tightening, but I forget where. Sorry.


Congratulations on 2k! by which I really mean "Thanks for continuing to contribute to our happy little community here. It wouldnt be the same without you" and get feeling better.

 

[WriterJosh]

He introduced Alice as his neighbor.

 

[Abernovo]

Thanks, all. It's been helpful.

 

[thaddeus6th]

Abernovo, if the term's explained before or after this segment it'd be fine, I think.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Big congrats! I'm not in the zone for critting properly (as you know ) but I enjoyed it. It took a little while to get my bearings but there was enough there to engage me and keep me reading.

 

[DaCosta]

Wow. This really gripped me from the get-go. Everyone loves conflict Bravo you.

 

[Abernovo]

Wasn't sure if I'd be able to get back online today, hence the earlier quick thanks. Apparently, I can stop running around like a blue-a**ed fly when I'm certified dead, and have filled out the form. In triplicate.

Mouse, ruddy rogue punctuation will be the death of me. (It's the keyboard--too small--not my typing. ) Thanks for the pick-up. I'll look into confusion.

Boneman, yes, it was meant to be sarcastic. I missed that line, when choosing what to put up for crit. The neighbours will be placed in a better context, so thanks. Alice has a bruise, but it needs emphasising. I like Alice and Abi!! But, I take your point. They're throwaway names at this point, as are the names of most of the minor characters, so they can easily be altered.

Writer Josh (may I just call you Josh?), he's introduced in the first chapter, at work. This is home life. The 'scared/scaring' thing was intentional, but it's something I'm never convinced about. For one person, repetition can be reinforcement, for the next, it can seem like a lack of imagination. So, thanks, I'll keep an eye out.
He's not a weakling, but he's not particularly heroic, either. Certainly no action hero and he's not a cop. His uniform is equivalent to uniformed civilian government officers in the US, such as in NOAA. Sorry for the confusion.

hopewrites, again, my fault. Like I said, first draft only. I'll give the scene some perspective. They're neighbours outside adjoining properties.

Thad, that's a relief. Thanks.
springs, don't worry. Take it easy and concentrate on yourself, for now.
DaCosta, thanks very much,

 

[Juliana]

Congratulations on the 2000! Nice piece of work, even though its not from the beginning we get a vivid snapshot of what is going on. The Cal-Alice dynamic is nicely intriguing.

Most of the text has been covered by others, so just a very minor thing. When you say:

Dried tears had been cleaned from her face, leaving her cheeks smeared and her eyes red

If her cheeks had been cleaned, surely there would be no tear marks? Maybe 'tears had been wiped from her face, etc.' or 'dried tears had left her cheeks smeared etc.'

(Like I said, super duper minor).

 

[Abernovo]

Fair point, though Juliana. Thanks. I might steal the second suggestion.

 

[Cosmic Geoff]

It reads well, first draft or not. Well done!
Nitpicks:
My initial impression was that the woman and child were connected to Cal (as in girlfriend), rather than as neighbours.
It isn't clear whether the first-mentioned neighbour who walks by is Rick or someone else.
I wonder what happens next? The police don't like it when somebody attacks their own.
Shouldn't Cal be trained to avoid or de-fuse threatening situations, or to fight, if he's a cop?

 

[Abernovo]

Thanks, CG. Yes, the Alice-Abi-Rick context needs spelling out better. Amazing how it all makes perfect sense in your head, so you forget to explain the 'obvious'. Not so obvious, of course. Yes, it is Rick passing by, but as above. Definitely on my list to mend.

He's not a cop, but a uniformed government officer. However, the result is the same. The police don't like it when anyone who wears a service uniform gets attacked.

 

[tinkerdan]

Nice piece.

I did get confused as did others about who was saying what when, but I think in the long run I was able to sort it out. There seems to be a bit of back story in here in the subtext but no enough to un - confuse things. Certainly not enough to evoke a violent response though maybe he doesn't need a good reason.

Also there at the end when he almost hits the floor, I really thought they were outside and later you mention the ground.

 

[Abernovo]

Thanks, tinkerdan.
Floor. I'll see to that. I was using it as equivalent to 'deck', but the usage isn't universal. Easily changed. Thanks.