When she woke up, Siobhan was starving. Really starving. A desperate gnawing hunger that made her shake all over and want to eat a whole packet of plain chocolate digestive biscuits - this takes something of the seriousness out of the narrative somewhat. Also, biscuits are mention later so not necessary. Main objection, though, is that biscuits are more a snack food - if she's that hungry she'll be thinking of meals IMO. . She was weak in her arms and legs, and her stomach felt like it had collapsed and stuck to itself on the inside. She had to get something to eat. Anything. She tried to push herself upright, but her arms didn’t want to obey her. She groaned with the effort.
“Oh, thank God. You’re awake,” came a relieved voice. Jaz was there, helping her sit upright. Siobhan’s vision swam as she dropped her legs over the side of her bed.
The side of my bed? What am I doing here?
“Are you okay?” Jaz brushed Siobhan’s hair back from her face.
“I’m starving.” It was an effort to talk. “What time is it?” Siobhan turned her head to look at Jaz. There were dark shadows under her eyes and she looked strained, frightened almost. “What happened?”
Jaz’s eyed widened. “Don’t you remember?”
Siobhan’s head was muzzy. Filled with cotton wool. She had to get something to eat. She tried to stand, but her legs gave way and she sat back on the bed heavily.
“I gotta eat something,” she said.
“I’ll get it,” Jaz said in a rush. “Stay here, don’t move. What do you want?”
“Black Forest gateau. Burgers. Chips, loads of chips.” Talking about food hurt, the reminder of how hungry she was. “Chocolate biscuits. Bread with marmite. All the above. Pleeeaase.”
“Just stay here,” Jaz said. “I’ll be back in a moment.”
Jaz rushed from the room. Siobhan couldn’t have moved if she wanted to. Her stomach growled loudly.
“Shut up,” she said. It growled louder, and she pushed her fist into it, to silence it - not really necessary IMO. Her hands were shaking from hunger and cold pins and needles ran through her leg muscles.
Then Jaz came back with a plate piled high with food, and Thorrin in tow. Siobhan barely saw them. All she saw was the plate - IMO if you keep her attention on the food, it keeps it more focused. It may work that she didn't noticed Thorin and only acknowledge him later down this paragraph. Builds a stronger POV IMO. She grabbed it out of Jaz’s hands. There was a thick slice of buttered french bread on top, and Siobhan crammed it into her mouth, tearing it with her teeth, following it with three digestive biscuits, trying to stuff them all in at once. She nearly choked and Thorrin handed her a glass of orange juice. It went down in one and Siobhan attacked the rest of the food, frantic to assuage her starvation - we know this already.
Inside forty seconds - it's a little exact - sounds more like a narrator telling us this rather than Siobhan's POV, the plate was empty. Three samosas, five vegetarian sausage rolls, a pile of cheese and onion crisps, chilli with wild rice, and two pieces of lemon meringue pie followed the bread and digestive biscuits. And Siobhan - she - we know it can only be Siobhan was still hungry. She briefly considered licking the plate, but gave it back to Jaz.
“Is there any more?”
Jaz and Thorrin stared at her. Jaz’s mouth was open - don't really need the open mouth gesture, especially when Siobhan's open mouth is described after - potential repetition and weakens the action when used two concurrently with different meaning in astonishment, and Siobhan felt she should say something. When she opened her mouth, a belch erupted. An incredibly loud belch that sounded to Siobhan - again this sounds more like an omniscient narrator than Third Person Limited. I'm presuming so far that you're writing in the latter like a lion roaring in an echo chamber. It made room for some more food.
“Pardon,” Siobhan said, then giggled at her friend’s faces. “That was well brought up,” she added. “Shame I wasn’t.”
Jaz and Thorrin stared at her for long seconds and Jaz finally closed her mouth.
“You really want some more? Jaz asked.
“Yeah.” Siobhan burped again. A smaller burp. “Maybe not cheese and onion this time?"
Jaz opened and closed her mouth a few times and then looked at Thorrin. Thorrin stared at Jaz, and then shrugged. Thorrin sat on the bed as Jaz left. Siobhan wondered why Thorrin was wearing her dressing gown, but all she could think about was more food. Even cheese and onion crisps.
^ The above - I feel it's taking away the immediacy of the experience. I think we're seeing too much open mouth staring as well.
After the third plate of carbohydrates - again, a sense of a flippant, almost humourous, omniscient narrator - but it's too light-hearted for the character experience IMO, but it depends which POV you're aiming for. We've seen nothing of Jaz and Thorin's POV so I have to presume we're in Third Person Limited here, Siobhan’s mind began to clear. Thorrin and Jaz had watched in silence as she finished off the last of the pie and Siobhan stared at the plate, as her blood sugar finally evened out.
“What time is it?” Siobhan asked.
Thorrin looked at her watch.
“Three thirty.”
“Three thirty?” Siobhan said in amazement. “Three thirty? What the hell happened? Last thing I knew it was almost midnight...” She broke off, puzzled. She remembered something. Jaz and Thorrin were staring at her. Waiting. “What?”
“Do you remember what happened?” Jaz asked her.
“Something... there was a problem with someone... Was it Rob? He did come, didn’t he?”
“Yes, he did,” Thorrin said. “After that... what do you remember?”
^ The above does seem natural, but it feels slow and lacking in engagement and pathos to myself. If the purpose of this scene is to show tensions relating to Siobhan's behaviour, all this dialogue is weakening it IMO
Siobhan tried to get her brain in gear, but it remained steadfastly in neutral. Then a cog engaged somewher - that narrator again!.
“There were some townies...” Siobhan murmured. She reached out and hugged Om Gommla to her, wrapping her arms around him. “One hit me...”
She touched her cheek. It felt a bit tender. Then her hand froze, and her eyes and mouth vied with each other, to see which could open the widest. She stared at Jaz and Thorrin in turn.
“I didn’t... did I?”
“It was like watching a man pole-vault, without a pole,” Jaz said. “Although I think he broke the world long-jump record on his way into the canal.” Siobhan gaped at Jaz. “Do you remember?”
Siobhan nodded, mute. Her brain had got into second gear now, even if she’d grated the box on the way.
“Was he all right?” she asked.
“Well, his friend dragged him out, and they limped off towards the town,” Thorrin said. “Right after you fainted, Rob and the rest of the rugby team came to rescue us,” she added scornfully.
“I... what...? I mean... I...”
“Do you remember me taking pictures of you with my phone?” Thorrin asked.
“Yes... I think so... the flash... My eyes... they weren’t... they weren’t glowing... were they?”
“Bright green,” Jaz said.
Siobhan thought she might faint again, and swayed backwards. Jaz steadied her with an arm around her shoulders.
“You okay?” Jaz asked.
“No..."
The above - I think we're getting too much dialogue and not enough of the character experience. If we've seen the event we don't need Jaz to say much - we can get Siobhan's reaction and turmoil as Jaz explains the improbable, and have Siobhan react and recoil at this.
Siobhan burst into tears, and Jaz hugged her close. Thorrin put her arms around them both and they group-hugged, rocking her gently while Siobhan cried. She was shattered. It couldn’t have happened. No. Way. At. All.
