Sigh...me again. Victorian Steampunk fantasy, short story, 1200 words

[Cosmic Geoff]

I made some attempts at heightening the since of tension and Hutchinson's nervousness. Also I did add an exchange between Mary and Hutchinson.

Here's some examples (I won't repost the whole thing; feels like spamming):

Actually, it would be easier to comment if you did repost the update in its entirety as a separate thread, so anyone coming to the thread late could just comment on the update.
The reposts seem to be an improvement on the original paragraphs, which weren't bad. I liked the period atmosphere.
You seem to be avoiding describing the horseman in detail - you refer to a dullahan in one of your posts - that's a headless being, or a being carrying its head under one arm IIRC, so I can see why you don't want to describe him

 

[WriterJosh]

Actually, it would be easier to comment if you did repost the update in its entirety as a separate thread, so anyone coming to the thread late could just comment on the update.
The reposts seem to be an improvement on the original paragraphs, which weren't bad. I liked the period atmosphere.
You seem to be avoiding describing the horseman in detail - you refer to a dullahan in one of your posts - that's a headless being, or a being carrying its head under one arm IIRC, so I can see why you don't want to describe him

Makes the reveal a bit more dramatic.

See, most people don't know what a Dullahan is, so when Prof. Ketterly says "you have a Dullahan in your district" (later), people will think "Oh, what's that?" And then, Ketterly and Bright (my heroes) face him head-on (no pun intended).

Thanks for your feedback.

 

[jastius]

Makes the reveal a bit more dramatic.

See, most people don't know what a Dullahan is, so when Prof. Ketterly says "you have a Dullahan in your district" (later), people will think "Oh, what's that?" And then, Ketterly and Bright (my heroes) face him head-on (no pun intended).

Thanks for your feedback.

a writer here, Karn Maeshalanadae, used a Dullahan in the last 75 word writing challenge here;
http://www.sffchronicles.co.uk/foru...enty-five-word-writing-challenge-victory.html

Karn knows a great deal about mythical figures.