Another excert 1500 words - Guy Erma and the Son of Empire By Sally Ann Melia

[Bowler1]

Thank you for that Sally, you've been busy. I'm sure the Mod's will be nice as I did ask, but I'm just a normal mortal member so I can't speak for them. The best of luck to ya.

 

[tinkerdan]

I just started reading something that has each chapter begin with a couple of short paragraphs that are like pages out of a tabloid, reporting news in a rather sensational manner and it works okay even though I don't care much for it.

I think because of my inner objection to it, it works better with it being such a short piece and perhaps you might consider keeping these pieces as short as possible.

 

[JoanDrake]

I liked both of them. The first had the charm (and some of the faults) of a 19th century style. The second was more modern and somewhat clearer as to what happened but also bureaucratic and reportorial in tone.


The first one sounds like a letter to a friend, and particularly, a handwritten letter. You can't cut and paste them so the writing meanders, especially in regard to traumatic incidents as you remember what you're describing in more detail. The second is somewhat like a report to a committee or tribunal of some sort. It is straightforward and to the point. The only conversational asides are to describe what the listener would not know already.


Both are clear overall and have a good hook at the end