Blood and hate - Short Story Opening (971 words)

[Zoe Mackay]

Hi! Thanks again for all the comments and feedback - I've taken them all on board (even if in some cases, they're kind of the reaction that I wanted, and the rest of the story (hopefully) pays off). One of the changes I have in my current version is that I've broken up that monster funeral speech into separate paragraphs, so it's less of an effort to read.

Now all I have to do is actually finish the thing and make it make sense.

 

[drybaiter]

As some have mentioned, the sentences could be tightened a bit, but I think you've got your message across adequately. I can see a lot of vague sentences, thoughts, feelings and intentions being kept in the dark here. I think in you prologue there should be something distinctive about your main character that helps identify her better or draw the reader to her. A very interesting read nonetheless.