Please help ... I need to write a convincing 3/4 sentences related to a person being knocked out

[FibonacciEddie]

... long title ... sorry

So the writing is in the 3rd Person. Bill is on the run. He is being chased. He takes a head injury which knocks him out. Then he comes round to see the assailant closing in. He has only been unconscious for a matter of seconds ... perhaps even just stunned.
My difficulty is that from the Bill POV how do I quickly show that he's only been under for a few seconds (He has never seen the assailant, he is not even totally sure he is under attack - so far it's been fear driving him on.)

This is what I have ...

***
***

... and a pain bloomed in his skull. Heavy footsteps were closing in as Bill blacked out.

Footsteps were approaching, and a new background noise - a mechanical humming. Bill managed to open his eyes, he half-turned on the ground and watched with mounting terror as a shape loomed out of the darkness.

***
***

You may feel it is fine, please give me reassurance!

But if you can see a better way of providing the information then I'd take it

thanks

 

[Kylara]

Maybe instead of "footsteps were approcahing" perhaps "the footsteps were closer" so that they come across as the same footsteps rather than two different sets

 

[Brian G Turner]

IMO you're in danger of over-complicating things by necessitating a short blackout. Does this part of the story need it?

If it does, then you need to be deeper within the character experience so that you can show their confusion, disorientation, and fear - because that's what the story would demand.

IMO.

 

[Boneman]

It's not bad at all, but perhaps more immediacy if you cut it a little:

... and a pain bloomed in his skull. Heavy footsteps were closing in as Bill blacked out.

He had no idea how long he'd been unconscious, but terror mounted as he opened his eyes and saw a shape looming out of the darkness.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

Three replies ... all good ... some reflection required - thanks
(but if anyone else wants to chip in then please do)

 

[Venusian Broon]

Technically I think any form of pause will work. You have a new paragraph and that seems fine. It seems quite clear what has happened.

On a more personal level, having been knocked on the head twice and blacking out in traumatic situations - once when a car driver opened her door and caught my bike pedal as I was passing (in an 'instant' I found myself from racing down a hill on my bike to then appearing face first chewing asphalt) and in a mugging which sounds a little like your scenario - your description sounds more like to me that he's woken up rather than returned from a short blackout! So it comes across as very 'TV' and a tad superficial to me

Brian's right in that in my case the major 'emotion' in both cases was disorientation and confusion - but this I feel sparks fight or flight (generally flight for me, although I did bite the thumb of one of my assailants in the mugging case so I guess you get both!) Such body responses do seem to sweep anything as wasteful as fear and pain out of the way, and I was certainly compelled to get away to some unspecified 'better' spot. Shock is also a big instant grab on you, you tend to go quite numb and focused (but not clear at all what's happening, as I found the universe closed in and became very small and dark.)

Finally just a minor point, but it is only because I don't know how he got hit on the head. Generally if it is out of the blue and very sudden and it causes a blackout, you won't have time to experience any pain. Even afterwards the shock will numb your physical pain. It is only afterwards when the shock starts to disappear that things like pain, normal emotions and other horrible responses return with a vengeance i,e. shaking, fear and tears etc... If on the other hand the blow was quite a laboured one (if something attached to his head and then, say, a burst of electricity surged through and knocked out Bill) then perhaps I concede there might be the start of some pain!

 

[Phyrebrat]

On a more personal level, having been knocked on the head twice and blacking out in traumatic situations - once when a car driver opened her door and caught my bike pedal as I was passing (in an 'instant' I found myself from racing down a hill on my bike to then appearing face first chewing asphalt) and in a mugging which sounds a little like your scenario - your description sounds more like to me that he's woken up rather than returned from a short blackout! So it comes across as very 'TV' and a tad superficial to me

Brian's right in that in my case the major 'emotion' in both cases was disorientation and confusion - but this I feel sparks fight or flight (generally flight for me, although I did bite the thumb of one of my assailants in the mugging case so I guess you get both!) Such body responses do seem to sweep anything as wasteful as fear and pain out of the way, and I was certainly compelled to get away to some unspecified 'better' spot. Shock is also a big instant grab on you, you tend to go quite numb and focused (but not clear at all what's happening, as I found the universe closed in and became very small and dark.)

We have almost parallel lives (but not with the mugging, that sounds horrible - sorry to hear about it); I was bombing down the road on my bike when a Merc turned into a side road and I hit the car and flew over the bonnet, landing on my back on the other side. My reaction was exactly the same as yours (although as loads of people were crowding round, I felt embarrassed and just wanted to get up and cycle away - which I did!) but I also saw a strange grid of grey dots - perfectly uniform - across my vision like one of those optical illusions.

pH

 

[WinterLight]

Hi I think I understand you are after some suggestions for the **** bits?

Well if so, how about:

Without warning a sudden sense of disorientation hit him, his thoughts clouding over in confusion and a searing pain blooming in his skull.

(NOTE - I think the footsteps part could read better to highlight the slight pause, maybe: 'Footsteps. Approaching, and a new background noise...')

It took him a moment to realise what was happening, that he was on the floor in [the main cathedral hall] and that the [giant mechanised bee was coming at him]

Please excuse the [artistic license]!

I hope if nothing more this adds a little grease to the cogs!

 

[Hex]

I thought it was fine and you shouldn't worry about it. I liked Boneman's and winterlight's suggestions too.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

Again ... to all of you ... thank-you for the direction and advice
This forum is excellent.
Much appreciated.

Specifically to WinterLight ... interestingly no, the '***' were just marking out my manuscript text (inside the two sets of ***).
But, that said, I liked your ideas ... I can't give the plot away, but it wasn't a Giant Bee
(maybe after a few more edits, it will be a bee)

 

[Venusian Broon]

We have almost parallel lives (but not with the mugging, that sounds horrible - sorry to hear about it);
pH

I'm a bit off topic, but my fingers are crossed Phyrebrat that indeed the parallels stop for you, and you don't follow up your life with my 'adventures' in mugging

I could regal you with my second mugging, that involved a couple of handguns...but really it's not much. I only lost 80 pence, a crappy mobile phone and the use of my bank card for a few days. Oh and I did chase after the little f****** urchins. It was still a bit traumatic at the end of the day. I don't advise anyone to try and get that life experience!

 

[Toby Frost]

Damn, that sounds serious. Traumatic indeed!

I have been knocked out (by being hit) once, when a horse headbutted me. I woke up a few moments later with my head against the stable wall and my arm in a bucket of water. As has been said, the first impression was of confusion and of a mixture of fuzziness and pain in my head. Oddly, I got up and just carried on as before. It was only quite a bit later that I felt bad and realised that I had two black eyes and a very flat nose. Duffy, if you're reading this, I haven't forgotten, you four-legged punk.

The current WIP contains something similar. The man affected manages to escape his enemies, but loses his sense of direction and passes out shortly afterwards.

 

[Venusian Broon]

Well on the scale of nice-to-traumatic on blackouts, if such a scale truly exists, I'd say getting one from Duffy by 'Glasgow kiss' is higher up on the nice side of the scale. I did know a girl that somehow managed to get a kick in the head from a horse, after falling off the back of it - she recovered completely from any damage thankfully. Really big powerful bits of muscle on a horse leg as I'm sure you are aware.

Although it all pales into insignificance when compared to even a glancing impact a London bus on Oxford street can give you.

 

[Juliana]

VB, what awful experiences!

I blacked out briefly as a teenager when playing British Bulldog - got knocked down by a much bigger opponent. I got up and shakily carried on, and I don't think anyone even noticed I'd blacked out. No disorientation, but it wasn't too hard a bang.

Also, if anyone needs to know what it feels like when you (almost) black out from a gas leak, it's like slowly falling asleep while everything goes grey, then black. Luckily I managed to open the bathroom door (was showering) and get out into fresher air, and my head cleared instantly. Headache and felt sick afterwards, though.

 

[Venusian Broon]

Now I am really seriously getting this thread off-piste. British Bulldogs! That takes me back. Between that, Red rover, 'rough' football and that game with a tennis ball where you had to hit people on the legs to get them 'out' I'm surprised no one in my primary school got seriously injured with playground antics!

 

[Kylara]

I've been kicked in the face by my pony - the chin to be precise. He had shoes on at the time and split my chin open down to the bone - 3mm from a shattered jaw. I never felt a thing, didn't fall over or black out, but everyone on the yard freaked out. Got taken to A&E with a horse wound pad on my chin - the triage nurse freaked out and I wasn't allowed to see the damage Three doctors saying stitches later, it was superglued back together. That hurt, my goodness did it hurt! Needle scraped all across my bone and sudden agony! Nice scar though.

I do have a friend who knocked herself out 3 times in a week. Once hit in head by a lax ball (she missed the catch), once by hitting head with her own tennis racquet during a serve (yup!) and thirdly by walking into a chair and falling onto a desk. She was groggy and disorientated when she came round. Then about a minute later the pain set in!

 

[Venusian Broon]

Kylara - yes your account is giving me that strange squeamish tingle in the soles of my feet.

All this talk about horses seems to justify my vague fear of these large dangerous animals .

Pulling this discussion back a bit on course, as I feel I have been mostly responsible for taking it this way:
Thinking about ways of showing a character lose consciousness reminds me of how Martin Scorsese showed us the Joe Pesci character erm...blacking out... at the end of Casino.

I'm trying to think if a similar abrupt halt in a written narrative could work well. I'm sure I have come across such a device in a novel or story, but for the life of me I can't think of any off hand that does it. Possibly I'm mistaken or its just a bit too gimmicky. Can anyone think of a printed example?

 

[Chris Guillory]

How about:

... and a pain bloomed in his skull. Heavy footsteps were closing in as Bill blacked out.

When his eyes snapped open, he had no idea how long he was out. The slightly louder footsteps indicated that it had only been for a few seconds. He frowned at the sound of
Footsteps were approaching, and a new background noise - a mechanical humming. Bill managed to open his eyes, he half-turned on the ground and watched with mounting terror as a shape loomed out of the darkness.

 

[FibonacciEddie]

How about:

... and a pain bloomed in his skull. Heavy footsteps were closing in as Bill blacked out.

When his eyes snapped open, he had no idea how long he was out. The slightly louder footsteps indicated that it had only been for a few seconds. He frowned at the sound of
Footsteps were approaching, and a new background noise - a mechanical humming. Bill managed to open his eyes, he half-turned on the ground and watched with mounting terror as a shape loomed out of the darkness.

thanks Chris

 

[RobPrescott]

Sticking to one character's POV can cause some problems like this. I think that what you have already is good, and Chris Guillory's suggestion as well, though I think my instinct (writing from a third person but fixed POV myself) would be to keep your main character conscious! You could have him hit, stumble, feel disorientated, but by having him black out for a few seconds I think you risk creating confusion for the reader. If it's only for a few seconds is it vital that he blacks out at all?
You've also got a load of first-hand accounts of head injuries in the above posts to help with the descriptive writing as well!