Quick sentence punctuation help

[tinkerdan]

In a moment, the sky became black though the ground, and the lake ahead, remained brightly lit.

With
In a moment the sky became black-
We could have:: The sky became black, in a moment.
But if you did that you would almost want :: The sky became black, in a moment;[the full stop for clarity] though the ground and the lake remained brightly lit.
Instead you did:: In a moment the sky became black--because it reads better but only if you leave out the comma.
In a moment the sky became black, though the ground and the lake remain brightly lit. [works well as does] In a moment the sky became black, though the ground, and the lake ahead, remained brightly lit.[because that would make the lake ahead unnecessary.

In using :: In a moment the sky became black, though the ground and the lake ahead remained brightly lit. [I would clean it up this way>] In a moment the sky became black, though the ground and lake ahead remained brightly lit.(but this puts the ground and lake: ahead;and I'm not sure that you want both of them there, so if you don't then you might leave the in and put commas around the lake ahead.)

 

[ParallaxBrew]

*In a moment, the sky became black though the ground, and the lake ahead remained brightly lit.*

This is the correct form. Readability would be improved if you could take out the second comma, but you can't do that because it precedes an independent clause.

 

[tinkerdan]

In truth we have::
The sky became black.
The ground and the lake ahead remained brightly lit.

I suppose::
In a moment the sky became black.
Though the ground and lake ahead remained brightly lit.[Well it's a stretch calling it complete; so it's incomplete]
I'm not sure its necessary for any commas in either.

so maybe it should be::
In a moment the sky became black, though the ground and lake ahead remained brightly lit.
or
Though the ground and lake ahead remained brightly lit, the sky became black.

of course we could just change it to::
When the sky became black, the ground and lake remained brightly lit.

Also when I read in a moment I see suddenly and I'm not fond of suddenly.

For the sake of economy::
The sky blackened, while the ground and lake remained aglow.

 

[Mouse]

Tinker, not quite sure why you've posted again, when you posted just two posts up anyway... But hey, I put a teabag in my dog's food today so...

This thread is done. Fin. The book is published.

 

[tinkerdan]

I was working on my thought processes out loud again.

Helps set things up so I do the same with my own work.

My dog would eat that without hesitation.