December -- 75 Word Writing Challenge -- VICTORY TO VICTORIA SILVERWOLF!

[alchemist]

Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer

She's a tough ol' broad, my grandma. As hard as a pair of GI's boots but still with a heart of gold.


Like when the fat guy ran over her toe, I wanted to fill his shoes full of concrete. But she said no, it wouldn't be right.


"HEY FRANKIE! IF I PUT A SLUG IN HIS KNEE, D'YA THINK HE'LL STILL BE ABLE TO DELIVER PRESENTS?"


See? She actually cares about people.

 

[Tywin]

The Arrangement

“I know he’s cheating on me.” She leaned on the edge of the bed, pulling up her stockings.

I listened, basking in the afterglow.

“You have to find proof. Catch him in the act.” I liked the way she wiggled as she straightened that red skirt.

“I’ll do anything,” her eyes caught mine, “Anything you want.”

I felt dirty, but that never bothered me. “Don’t worry, Mrs. Claus. You can count on me.”

 

[BigJ]

Santa’s Helper

She drifts in the door, through the smoke hanging in the air like a bad punchline, gently shaking off the snowy cold. My stogie flares; angels don’t come to my part of town.

Her lips are moving, but her body’s doing the talking. I take the case; money’s money, and these greenbacks smell of heaven.

Christmas Eve, thirty below, .38’s loaded, so am I; about to close the case. Naughty people get lead this year.

 

[Bob Senior]

THE JOY OF Giving

We were Christmas shopping in the city, it was beautiful,lights blinkin', bells ringin', music.
Two men staggered into us, one mumbled something nasty to Ma.
Paw drove his fist into the man's chest. He musta slid six feet when his butt hit the sidewalk.

"Now why don't you boys go over to that bell-ringer, put some money in her kettle and wish her a Happy Christmas." Paw said.
"YES SIR, WE WILL, MERRY CHRISTMAS."

 

[David Evil Overlord]

Private Eye, Public Nuisance

‘M1K3 Hammer?’ A voice like polished chrome, she almost made me go off half-cocked. I retracted the barrels of my fire-arms, and stared.

Her body should be sensored. Legs that went on forever.

‘Who’s your Daddy?’

She kicked me in the nuts from six metres away. Telescoping legs.

‘Half the tiny bots in town say you!’

Oh, right.

‘Merry Christmas, you deadbot dad!’ She dropped a bill for child support on me.

 

[Dan Jones]

New Kid In Town

“Where’s the damn gold, Gaspar?’ I punched him.

I balled my fist to strike again, but he relented. “Ok, ok, I’ll talk! The frankincense, we…”

“You think I care about some crummy perfume? Where’s the gold?!”

“The King! We took it to the King!”

I hesitated. The King was my client; surely he hadn't…

”But Herod…”

“Not Herod!” Gaspar laughed. “The new king.”

A new King? Oh boy. Herod was gonna be pissed.

 

[Perpetual Man]

The Gumshoe and the Three Ho's

Under the street light it was Christmas: Eve dancin’, Carol singing, Holly just prickly. I needed ‘em. Was the ‘big man real?’ They were tuned in to the present, knew the secrets of the street.

‘Just look up,” they advised.

Not an answer. Time to be ‘elfish.

Eve jingled her bells as I approached.

Droplets fell from the sky.

“Is it snow?”

“Don’t be a pudding,” I told her, “It looks like rain dear.”

 

[Culhwch]

Sins of the Father (Christmas)

Empty room. Naked bulb. Wooden chair. Fat man. Sweat-stained red suit.

He’s breaking.

‘We know you killed her.’ I flashed the crime scene photo. It wasn’t pretty. ‘Your own damn wife.’

‘No, I--’

‘But you had help. You didn’t get her in that sack and down that chimney by yourself. No, you’re too soft.’

‘The other woman,’ my partner said. ‘Give us her name.’

‘Okay,’ he sobbed. ‘Her name is Felicia. Felicia Navidad.’

 

[Boneman]

On a Night Train

"Wanna drink?" Olaf asked.

Olf combed back his quiff for the nineteenth time, smoothed his velvet collar, and checked his brothel-creepers were clean.

"Yuh."

Olaf headed to the dining car. When he got back, Olf was combing his hair, feet up on the seat.

"Here."

Olf took the can, stared at Olaf for a moment and hurled it to the floor, swearing, splashing the contents everywhere.

Rude Olf the Ted loathes train beer.

 

[WinterLight]

Humble Joe

The streets were empty, like they knew or something. Every dried-up door we tried came another voice, ‘Move along’.

Mary was slipping, like the big sleep was calling. Even the donkey was dozing. I was beginning to wonder if the kid would even see a roof that night.

It must’ve been the last door in town. This old fella opens up, looks us up and down, smiles and says, ‘Follow me’.

Thank the Lord.

 

[Ursa major]

​

Diagnosis Mordor
​

“You’re calling the wedding off? Have you gone sour on me?”

“Never! You know how I’ve always had my eye on you.”

“Is it the… the tower? You know I don’t care about that.”

“Not that, my darling. But—”

“—a normal ring will do.”

“Stuff that!”

“So what’s wrong?”

“The elvish so-called sage has arrived for the festivities.”

“So?”

“He’s a complete turkey—”

“—we’re having hard-boiled chicken—”

“—and he doesn’t know his onions.”

 

[Ursa major]

The December Challenge is now closed, and voting is open at the link below:

POLL -- DECEMBER 2014 75 Word Challenge -- READ FIRST POST!​