Mooncrash: 1031 words, posted for your Critique

[Ray McCarthy]

Rain drops are pearish /teardrop shaped too. Pearls round.
Hail can sometimes be smooth, opaque to translucent and round like little pearls, though the whiter rough totally opaque kind is more common.

 

[Ashleyne]

One quick point - rain as like pearls? I don't think the metaphor works, as rain drops are clear and see-through, pearls are opaque and white

I hear you. Maybe a flock of tears works better.

And thanks, everyone. I don't know why I was ever so scared of posting for a critique. I've found it to be an enlightening experience

 

[Ray McCarthy]

I dunno, I think it's brave. I felt I was brave posting mine work more than once... I'm not normally a masochist. Though many useful points, other aspects like some sort of torture. I'm trying to learn by trying to comment too, so bear in mind your writing might be better than my comments. I tend I think to take poetical description too literally. But maybe also a novel is too tiring to read if overly poetic. We might find some of the ancient classic authors tedious today. We are usually reading sympathetic translations.

No bruises? Good.

 

[Michael F]

Probably a bit late for you Ashleyne.

I really liked your ideas. Im sure all the comments are good.
I hope you get lots more of the story down and then post again. Its a good thing going on.
M

 

[tinkerdan]

Just an observation::
You tend to use the word as a lot.
There are four in the first paragraph of the final version and five in the last paragraph of the same version. There are many in between but not as tightly packed as those; though one paragraph in between has three.

You might want to consider changing that unless you are making use of the repetition to create some sort of rhythmic pattern.

 

[Ashleyne]

You tend to use the word as a lot.

I do and it's something I don't realise I'm doing. I'm gonna take care to cut down my as.