1000 post critique

[jastius]

Kerry, had a thought.

Perhaps if you instill more urgancy into the reason why she needs to visit the site now?

What if the Sargent says its impossible and the major is gotten and swaggers out and says a combined forces exercise is underway, first thing tomorrow ... and he absolutely can not have her on the grounds. Land mines are scattered right through that area, and the whole area will be blown to rid them during the exercises. .. She is aghast and says you will destroy the archeological remnants.
He tells her, better your bloody shards gone then a dozen of my men! ...
Then says, there is nothing to be seen there, anyways. The area was documented thoroughly long before this was army property. Nothing was ever found.

That way she has to get in there tonight.
Before its all gone.
Race against time and darkness falling .. And weather closing in... Fog coming up..

 

[Juliana]

Have given my 2cs on the other thread so just jumping in to say congrats on the 1000.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

Just to add - first I'm so embarrassed about placing her as Welsh not Irish - but I'm a kiwi who has never been to England. Also I'd find a way to squeeze in the pronunciation of her name early on in the text of the work. I'm probably a lay reader but I almost never read bibliographies etc. And I would never have guessed that that was how you pronounce that name. (It would have confused the hell out of me when the movie came out!)

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Juliana]

I would never have guessed that that was how you pronounce that name

Yes, I know. Irish pronunciation has no logic to English-speaking peoples!

Irish names are beautiful. And bonkers.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Hi,

Just to add - first I'm so embarrassed about placing her as Welsh not Irish - but I'm a kiwi who has never been to England. Also I'd find a way to squeeze in the pronunciation of her name early on in the text of the work. I'm probably a lay reader but I almost never read bibliographies etc. And I would never have guessed that that was how you pronounce that name. (It would have confused the hell out of me when the movie came out!)

Cheers, Greg.

Don't be embarassed. Particularly in mythology there's a lot of crossover between legends etc. i wouldn't know the difference if I lived halfway around the world!

Irish names are beautiful. And bonkers.

Completely. And risky when one uses them. But we usually get away with them. (I don't use many but I'm an uncouth Northerner who doesn't know how to pronounce anything in Irish.

Then again, I named a book Inish Carraig.

So, um. As you all,were.

 

[Toby Frost]

Well, I don't have that much to say. It's well-written, but as others have said, it's very short. It would fit in a short story, but in a novel it feels as if the events aren't being given the time that they deserve. I think any of these scenes could be twice as long without padding. The moment when she sees the man on the firing range is very powerful, and in a longer piece could carry a lot of suspense.

Anyway, the writing is good and it's engrossing. I would certainly read on.

Others are better placed than me to do the technicalities of what's happening. I'd mention one small point: if the narrator is British rather than in Britain, she'd say "arse".

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Thank you, Toby. That was very much a first draft and I'm busily rewriting it, slowing it down a little (I was almost out of breath writing it, never mind reading it!) and giving Niamhín a much stronger reason for climbing that wall into the base.

Every rewrite of this novel has brought me more insight, with the help of the wonderful people on this forum, and I think it is getting better each time. I would like to hope this rewrite will be the last one where everything changes. My MC has just gained about six years in age and a profession, so the whole story needs to change to reflect that.

First draft, 130k, second draft similar, third draft 93k with two sequels written in rough first draft form. Current draft? GOT length? Hopefully not....

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I have rewritten this from scratch, taking on board most of the above suggestions, but the new piece is quite long now. Would anyone be prepared to beta-read it for me? It has morphed from a huge prologue to a short prologue plus two and a half longish chapters, totalling around 7.3 k in all.

Once I know I am on the right track with the beginning, I would like to rewrite the other 90k or so to take into account my new, feisty, adult MC. No point in going any further until I'm sure this part works. Can't have a good novel without solid foundations.

 

[Dan Jones]

I have rewritten this from scratch, taking on board most of the above suggestions, but the new piece is quite long now. Would anyone be prepared to beta-read it for me?

I'm still eagerly waiting for it, Kezza*

*another example of a traditional Irish name.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Oops. Sending now

 

[hopewrites]

If I've correctly recognized what this begins, it's so much stronger and hooky!

"Smiled into his book" god how many times have I done that. Very clear what he's thinking/feeling there. <3

Reflecting on his remarks decidedly shows how she has come to know the truth of them.

Put me on the list of people who would love to read this when you go looking for betas.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Thank you hope, and yes. This is the umpteenth rewrite of the one you read last year.