210 words - C12th setting - Is it too modern?

[Brian G Turner]

I may to have to jiggle the date, as so many of the words we use come from C14th

I wouldn't worry about being too strict - just avoid anything too jarring.

But as to this piece - I do really like the voice. Only a couple of places where I might have personally snipped, and I would like a little more pace - but you'd likely address that after a finished draft.

Personally speaking, I think you're onto something.

 

[HareBrain]

Bar a few tweaks, I like that. I think the first couple of paragraphs might be just a little on the purple side of intense: the proximity of towering, tumult, lament and whickering (especially the middle two) seemed a bit much.

But otherwise, the tone and pace feels quite authentic. It has the feel of something carefully written on parchment rather than speedily typed, if that makes sense.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Well you've both just made my weekend. And helped me temporarily forget the deep sense of horror at the election result

HB just to say you're right about the intensity and I am going to get rid of tumult. It seems lamenting gulls added to the colour rather than it was originally. And thanks for the parchment comment, I think I know what you mean (that it sounds of its time?) .

Brian - yep, it reads a little lumpen so will be cutting in the redraft



pH

 

[Ihe]

I liked the pace. Description, action, inner thoughts, and mini-flashback concerning a budding mystery are all correctly proportioned and the narrative is balanced.

 

[ralphkern]

In Jennifer's edit of Endeavour, there is a section where we have had to reexamine my phraseology and make it more in fitting with 16th Century language. As part of my homework, she pointed me at several sources of literature from that era, and several youtubes where people demonstrate what it would have sounded like...

It is not far off a whole different language, certainly in terms of structure. At some point we had to make the decision about where we drew the line between accessibility and authenticity.

My general advice is if all the characters are of that era, then the reader will assume there is a narrative interpreter and accept modern construction (obviously don't start calling Carts cars etc). If you're in the situation where I was in and you have two different cultures meeting... then be prepared for fun and games. You will have to make some compromises for a reader to be able to understand it though...

 

[Phyrebrat]

Thanks ralphkern, I appreciate your reply. Although each time period does not have characters crossing over, there are artifacts that do; a scrap of parchment with the word gyldan on it turns up in the present day, but when it is mentioned in the Middle Ages section, it is referred to as guild because that section is written in modern(ish) language. In this way it is a desirable change as I don't want the reader to be clued into it at first.

pH

 

[Azraeth]

From the relative shelter of the tree line, Gilbert looked out at the small circle of stones and wondered how deep the towering rocks went. [Not sure of the use of 'small circle of stones' followed by 'towering'] A wet wind curled under his (coat/clothes) and chilled him [I'd go with cloak]. Even over the tumult of the storm he heard the anguished [maybe something like shrill] call of seabirds flying in from the wild coast nearby, and his whickering (mule/horse) [go with mule if Gilbert is at the lower end of the economy, which it reads like- also, mules, don't whicker ] shifted, jerking against its (ties/reins [I'd just say tether and omit yew tree]) to the yew tree.

He stepped out into the wild greyness of the plain and made his way up the shallow earthwork. A rogue gust plucked at his (bag) and sent it whirling down into the circle, past the sentinel rocks lumbering above him.[not sure if he would have a bag on him- wouldn't his belongings be on the mule/ in saddlebags in such weather?]
The wet grass glowed a vibrant green, in spite of the drab surroundings and air of the place, and he skidded down the inside [can delete 'inside'] slope, sliding to the bottom on his *rse.

‘S*** and God’s bones!’ he cried, snatching his (bag) and stood, slapping at his sodden (coat [cloak]) which clung to his numbed backside.

The place looked a smaller version of the stanhanges [It was smaller than the stanhanges...] he’d passed through near Old Sarum and he wondered how these stones had survived salvage [...'the vandalism of greedy men' may be better- you can use it to convey a) his thoughts on the men that 'salvage' such places (assuming he is respectful of said places), b) a little note on the society itself (if it is impoverished and even ancient things are disrespected in pursuit of money, new religion etc or c) . Superstition, probably, but the point was of no importance to him. The stones would fall, be worked, and the church of Sturton Bassett would ascend in its place. [Not sure about the contrast here- if people are running around salvaging old sites in the name of new religious fervour, superstition is probably far from their mind- maybe mention parochial, superstitious locals that still respected false, ancient ways or something?]

Hope this helps!

 

[Phyrebrat]

Thanks @Azraeth for taking the time. Points noted.

pH