The Mindwars - Start of Book Two

[mgilmour]

Hi all,
When I read some of the in depth comments from other critiques I'm a little in awe of what people see, read and debate. So here goes.....

This is a draft of an early chapter in book two of The Mindwars. The characters and jargon should already be familiar to the reader (although not necessarily as they may start at book two). The goal is to turn a victory at the end of book one into a potential disaster and then pose a glimmer of hope which entices the reader to the next chapter.

It's meant to be really fast paced and not bogged down in long descriptions.

Thank you in advance for your considered thoughts.

Cheers!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

“Report Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to the aid at his side or the report he was reading General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.

In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.”

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts generals?”

General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.”

Just as General Bardon uttered the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair. His face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”

“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got a thing that will light up the shields on the battleship let alone the destroyers.”

General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”

“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.

General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, although still young in years, right now she was feeling old, “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.”

Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”

General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away the evacuation order on her wrist-comp. Her blond ponytail swinging behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentration. In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby and they were very good at their jobs.

“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked.

Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”

General Bardon’s mustache seem to flare as he said in exasperation, “Frap Alban, I’ve no frapping idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”

“I’m sorry general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”

General Bardon turned to Franky and asked, “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged as a ground based weapon?”

“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something like that with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”

General Bardon nodded in understanding. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”

Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”

Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much. Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak, “It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.”

Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”

 

[Brian G Turner]

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet - what else is he going to stand on? behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three - you could keep this in, but I've just noticed from what comes that you're trying in danger of trying to tie in as much detail to exiting sentences. It may be better to have any description - which this is - in its own standalone sentence, instead of trying to connect to to a character action .

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid - and here you do it again - it's not enough to simply introduce Bardon, you also connect any action on his part with something else . His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice this sounds like you're trying for comedy. Do moustaches normally quiver?. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher This doesn't feel - to me - like a natural way to insert backstory. It feels like you're failing to stay in character, and instead an omniscient narrator is explaining things for the reader . They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three Whose POV are we in? I had presumed Ruscov, but nothing here actually seems to indicate anything close to his POV .

“Report Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to the aid at his side or the report he was reading none of which is relevant, and merely distracts from any pace General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank” Why is this important? Opportunity to push in some POV?. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in Whose thinking this? It feels like the author is telling the reader what they think they should know, rather than allowing the POV character to do it..

In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said So we're in Bardon's POV??.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?” Totally confused now - one moment we were with Ruscov in the command center - now we seem to have suddenly joined Bardon in a conference.

“There was no need. They’re here.” We've heard this three times now, with no indication of why a) this is important, and b) why the reader should care

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. Again, it feels like you're aiming for comedy, rather than something serious. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day Ah, right - so there is no POV character - you're head-hopping. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts generals?”

General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.”

None of this dialogue seems important - it doesn't explain anything to the reader - doesn't even raise any questions. There's no sign of conflict or character experience, which makes it all comes across as very flat so far

Just as General Bardon uttered the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang Whizzbang? So this is a comedy?? and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair You are trying too hard with the visual descriptions. IMO you are using them in lieu of character experience, which would more likely draw us into the story. At the moment, it feels like you are simply trying to narrate a film at us, which is completely the wrong way to draw a reader into a novel. His face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”

“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got a thing that will light up the shields on the battleship let alone the destroyers.”

General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”

“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.

General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, although still young in years, right now she was feeling old, “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.”

Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”

I'm sure you can see tension in this, but the same criticism as above comes across - this is all very flat. The same issue continues through the rest of the piece.


Overall, there are significant issues in this piece relating to POV use and conflict. You're writing in an omniscient POV, but not using it effectively. You may benefit by taking a look at these book titles:

The 38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes
Save the Cat
Writing the Breakout Novel: Winning Advice from a Top Agent and His Best-selling Client

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Be warned, I have teeth. I haven't read Brian's, so that if there are trends you can pick them up. And well done for sticking it up! Comments in bold.

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feetdrop to his feet - he can't stand on anything else behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention neat trick at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.Info dump a wee bit clumsy but I'd live with it.

“Report, - direct address comma needed Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to the aid at hiswhich one's? side or the report he was reading General BardonAh, okay - maybe name him earlier? It pulled me out trying to work it out. I'm also not sure which head we're in yet. I'd like to be more grounded in a character (but I'm the obsessive one about characters...) nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.smoother info here. Nice.

In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.We know

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gazewhat has the pony tail swinging got to do with her pinning him with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re hereYep. We know. .”

General Frank MacLeod's Oh, where'd he come from then? This sort of thing - characters not introduced but suddenly appearing tend to pull readers out, which you absolutely want to avoid at the start normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. Is this adding anything? If it's supposed to be a fast paced scene? There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughtsdirect address comma needed generals?”

General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”How's he feeling? Pumped up for battle, scared, cool and in command? I'd love a hint.

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.”

Just as General Bardon uttered the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.Oh, a pet hate - your pov character (Bardon, I think?) knows what he's looking at but isn't telling us - it's authorly suspense.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair., his face His face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”getting a tad bored about now. We've been told they're coming, I'm geared up for a nice blasting battle and they're two hours away? Conflict is hard to keep up when there is a vacuum of time.

“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon I think you could drop some of the dialogue tags and use action instead. Here just General Bardon indicated the escort ships. "We haven't..." Especially in action scenes. asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got a thing that will light up the shields on the battleship let alone the destroyers.”

General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory.Head hope to Alban “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”

“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.

General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, although still young in years, right now she was feeling old,full stop - you have no saidism so it's an action tag. Has anyone suggested the toolbox thread yet? (they will). It's over in writing resources and is stickied - the single most useful thread to writers on the chrons. There's stuff in it about dialogue punctuation. If you do start to use action tags - and most modern writers do - then the rules are slightly different. “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.”

Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”

General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away the evacuation order on her wrist-comp. Her blond ponytail swinging again? Also - this is a tense switch if you take a new sentence at her blond and should be either swung or swang (not sure which is technically correct, though) behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentrationHow does shaking her head aid concentration? . In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby and they were very good at their jobs.Okay - this is a tell. What would be better is a show, then the reader feels more involved. Anyway you could have some of the pilots swooping in at some point and showing off their skill?

“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked.Sorry, lots of bold. Right about now I'm crying out to know how anyone feels. If I don't know, I can't empathise. They seem tense, sort of, but they're also sitting around chatting and nothing feels tense and then I'm confused.

Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”

General Bardon’s mustache seem to flareThis is one talented mustache... (moustache? or is that a uk/us thing?) as he said in exasperation, “Frapdirect address comma needed - I thought Frap Alban was a new character! Alban, I’ve no frappingAlso, I think it's getting a little overused as a term idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”

“I’m sorry, general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”And about here I've glazed over and would be putting it down, sorry. This is all info going nowhere quickly. There's no sense of conflict, of urgency. No questions being raised in my mind. The military guys might feel differently, but for me it's flat with no sense of the characters or urgency. Having said that, I felt that way about Jack Campbell and he's doing okay...

General Bardon turned to Franky and asked,again - drop and asked? Make it punchier “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged as a ground based weapon?”

“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something like that with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”

General Bardon nodded in understanding. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”

Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”

Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much. Again, telling. Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak, “It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.”

Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”

Okay, lots of bold, sorry. The grammar was mostly fine - although direct address commas are missing throughout (needed before a name is addressed in dialogue as in Hi, Michael! as opposed to Hi Michael) and I think you have a few too many saidisms where action tags could be effective.

My gripes:

Little or no character experience. I don't know how any of them feel. I don't even know, for sure, whose head I'm in. I don't know how scared they are, how experienced, if they're sad, if they're pumped up. Anything. Of course, in an action scene (although this didn't feel like one) you don't want to be slowing it down to tell me the minutae but some visceral reactions can go a long way - low dread in the stomach, fists clenched etc etc.

No conflict. I can see what the conflict is supposed to be - the big fleet coming their way. But it's hours away, and they're sitting around chatting. Any chance you could bring the timescale down, maybe have an attack from a first soiree, something active? I want klaxons sounding, and people running around trying to save the day. Also in terms of the descriptions - it's a little flat. Where are the other people? The thrum of engines? The stale smell of recycled air? Anything to say what they're on - is it a ship or a space station? Those sort of things bring it to life (smells and sounds are good).

Anyway, hope it helps. I've been hard (although there are harder around), perhaps more than it merits, because it's a good work-a-day scene. It just needs to come alive a little more for me, especially the characters.

(PS I bet at this stage @Brian Turner recommended Save the Cat. A good book on conflict might be useful, actually. I also like King's On Writing.)

Good luck with it.

 

[mgilmour]

Awesome feedback Brian - many thanks for that.
I really appreciate the suggested books to read.

A couple of points you are raising....
1. It's meant to be serious not a comedy LOL!
2. The main character uses a call-sign of Whizzbang - think of it like Top Gun.
3. What I was trying to create was a sense of tension by not revealing to the reader what was actually going on. It's like everyone else knows other than the reader.....seems like an epic fail.
4. I fully admit that I struggle with POV....it's a tough nut to crack.

So once again, thank you for your input.

 

[mgilmour]

Be warned, I have teeth. I haven't read Brian's, so that if there are trends you can pick them up. And well done for sticking it up! Comments in bold.

Okay, lots of bold, sorry. The grammar was mostly fine - although direct address commas are missing throughout (needed before a name is addressed in dialogue as in Hi, Michael! as opposed to Hi Michael) and I think you have a few too many saidisms where action tags could be effective.

My gripes:

Little or no character experience. I don't know how any of them feel. I don't even know, for sure, whose head I'm in. I don't know how scared they are, how experienced, if they're sad, if they're pumped up. Anything. Of course, in an action scene (although this didn't feel like one) you don't want to be slowing it down to tell me the minutae but some visceral reactions can go a long way - low dread in the stomach, fists clenched etc etc.

No conflict. I can see what the conflict is supposed to be - the big fleet coming their way. But it's hours away, and they're sitting around chatting. Any chance you could bring the timescale down, maybe have an attack from a first soiree, something active? I want klaxons sounding, and people running around trying to save the day. Also in terms of the descriptions - it's a little flat. Where are the other people? The thrum of engines? The stale smell of recycled air? Anything to say what they're on - is it a ship or a space station? Those sort of things bring it to life (smells and sounds are good).

Anyway, hope it helps. I've been hard (although there are harder around), perhaps more than it merits, because it's a good work-a-day scene. It just needs to come alive a little more for me, especially the characters.

(PS I bet at this stage @Brian Turner recommended Save the Cat. A good book on conflict might be useful, actually. I also like King's On Writing.)

Good luck with it.

Thanks for that Jo - Lots of really good thoughts. Loved getting the feedback of all the bold....so please don't apologise.

A few answers to questions for you
1. The characters are generals - they are exhausted, relatively controlled but fraying around the edges. The reader has already met the characters before.
2. Just realised that General Franky materialised in the board room.....that was clever!
3. The setting is in a typical boardroom on a half built starship on the ground. It serves as the Concord command centre.
4. I actually don't want an attack as the real heroes are the ones that attack the battleship in the following chapters.
5. I find that POV and head stuff is actually quite difficult and requires 10+ rewrites to get right....

Once again, many thanks!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

So, a few things maybe to think about?

A few answers to questions for you
1. The characters are generals - they are exhausted, relatively controlled but fraying around the edges. The reader has already met the characters before.

- how can you show that exhaustion and the fraying around the edges? Some shouting at each other, one grabbing another's throat, some fidgeting fingers? Grainy eyes, red-rimmed eyes, hollow eyes... etc etc. You have some of this but it's in a description of a character, which slows things and is a tell - better in the character experience, if possible. Perhaps the pony tail could be in disarray, some grime rubbed into someone's temples as they massage them? Try to get it into the character movements if you can and then we're pulled along with you.



3. The setting is in a typical boardroom on a half built starship on the ground. It serves as the Concord command centre.

- can you make that clearer?


4. I actually don't want an attack as the real heroes are the ones that attack the battleship in the following chapters.

So, why on Earth are we starting with this scene? Is it to get information over? If so, my advice would be to heck with the info, and start with the battle and the heroes. I know it's the second book and it feels like you have more luxury to take it slowly but you still have to hook. A zippy space battle tends to (well, it's my default often...), a boardroom scene will always struggle to.


5. I find that POV and head stuff is actually quite difficult and requires 10+ rewrites to get right....

Tis a bugger, all right. I do it by imagining I'm the actor playing the pov character and only report on what I can see, feel, touch or hear.

Once again, many thanks! Welcome.

 

[The Judge]

To be brutally frank, this to me read as a very early draft that needs a great deal of work to make it read as a professional piece.

I'm more of a nit-picker than anything else, so I'll have a nit-pick.

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet behind his console in the Concord command center. [Not a particularly long sentence, but it's ungainly, especially for the first line of a chapter. It's also counterproductive if you are aiming for fast-paced and tense, which call for short snappy lines] “General Bardon,” [unless there's another general in the room, surely he'd just call "General"?] he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three. [again, an unnecessarily long sentence which isn't helping the scene. And I'm not convinced by all the noise -- if there's so much, there's a risk of orders being misheard which could be dangerous]

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from [repetition of "from" in the same line very ugly, and unless there's been a middle man between the aide and the General it's "by" not "from"] an aid. [presumably this is meant to be short for aide-de-camp, in which case it's "aide" with an "e"] His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. [something of a comedic image -- is that your intention?] Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier, [comma needed] the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three. [this sentence -- both clauses of it -- a non sequitur ie no relation to what came before when the two should be connected. It and its predecessor read as very info-dumpy -- not the characters thinking and reflecting on what's going on, but you as author just dumping it there by way of back-story]

“Report, [comma needed] Major.” [why is this needed? Why doesn't the Major just tell him?]

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to ["to"? Surely "for" -- but why put this clause in? You need to get on with things, not tell us what he isn't doing] the aid at his side or the report he was reading, [comma needed] General [since you've told us twice already that he's a general, there's really no need for his rank to be continually used like this] Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were [strictly "every" takes the single ie "he was"] doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. [the inverted commas make this sound very precious, as if it's a bit racy, when it should be bog-standard. Also the whole sentence reads as rather cliched] They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in. [so why tell us? This and the previous line both read as you attempting to increase tension, but to my mind they only highlight the fact there is no tension here]

In one motion [really in one motion? No other intervening movement, like stepping towards the chair?] General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high-backed [hyphen needed] black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. [if you're going to add description of any kind, make it telling, not ordinary and frankly a bit boring] “They’re here”, [comma should be inside the quotation marks, not outside] he said. [since the para is about him, there's no need for dialogue attribution]

General Alban’s pony tail [either all one word, or hypenated, not two] swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. [cliche. And why should her hair move when she apparently doesn't, and what is the connection with her pinning him?] “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.” [is this dialogue going anywhere? You've repeated it, but it isn't telling us anything]

General Frank MacLeod's [why does he get "Frank" and the others just get rank and surname?] normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends [also comedic -- and is there some significance in their having moustaches?] and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have [change of tense -- should be "hadn't had"] time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. [somewhat telling-ified/info-dumpy as written] Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, [cliche] not missing a thing. “Thoughts, [comma needed] generals?”

General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.” [shouldn't they know all this already?]

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked. [is this a typo for "Alban"?]

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.” [again seems filler conversation -- ie the stuff that would happen in real life but is here just taking up word count without adding anything]

Just as General Bardon uttered [ditto] the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now-deceased [hyphen needed] General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky [using a diminutive of a first name, particularly when everyone else has surnames only, makes for very odd reading] ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair, his face a mask of concentration. [doesn't work as a stand-alone sentence. And beware of cliche] “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”

I'll end there as I'm running out of time.

I'm assuming you're deliberately going for omniscient POV, which is rather old-fashioned now, and tends to give a distancing air to writing which precludes total immersion in character experience. Almost certainly the tension here would feel greater if you picked a character and showed more of his/her emotions and thoughts rather than hopping from one to another as you do.

I think too, that it all felt a little too telling-ified, when it might help to show more tension -- eg in the centre, one of the young lieutenants might look as if he's about to be sick, or another has a look of bravado that is clearly hiding fear, eg someone might swear or make the sign of the cross/say a prayer.

Despite your intention to make it fast-paced and exciting, the scene really didn't work for me, and it all felt a bit flat and long-winded. shorter, punchier sentences will help, though don't go overboard, and more ruthless pruning of what isn't important here.

You have a very simple style, which can be good (and lucrative), but for my taste it was too often at the simplistic end of the scale, not helped helped by some cliche and bordering on cliche. And although you don't want to overload description, you need enough for the reader to have some idea of what she is reading about -- but make sure the detail is informative.

NB No one was here when I started, so apologies for simply repeating much of what the others have said.


EDIT: sorry, just realised I used "telling" in two different ways here which may be confusing. Re description being "tellling" I mean as in revealing, having an impact -- so fair hair isn't very telling, but having a long scar or disfiguring injuries might be. Re what I've now changed to tellling-ified, I mean the opposite of showing, and this is often a companion to the info-dumping, ie just baldly setting something down which could be better inferred from actions.

 

[Hex]

Haven't looked at the others. Here goes:

---------------------------------------------------------------

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet [just "stood"] behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from [by] an aid. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge [on the other side of the planet -- why do we need to know it's the other side of the planet? If so, is there a better way to get the information across?] and the vanquishing of the Barrier[comma] the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks [of what? why?] and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

[At this stage, I think you've spent a bit long setting the scene and getting in the background, and I don't have any reason to be interested yet. I don't know what's going on]

“Report [comma]Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to [for]the aid at his side or the report he was reading[comma] General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in. [OK. But I don't. Who are "they"? Why does the Major not show or feel any emotion when he's speaking?]

In one motion[comma] General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table [I don't think that can be one movement]. “They’re here”, he said.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.” [Now I'm cross. I don't know who is "here" and I still don't know why I should care]

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow [which drooped at the ends?]. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have [hadn't had?] time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts [comma]generals?”

Afraid the kids are demanding my laptop. Little darlings. Hope this helped.

 

[mgilmour]

To be brutally frank, this to me read as a very early draft that needs a great deal of work to make it read as a professional piece.

I'm more of a nit-picker than anything else, so I'll have a nit-pick.

I'll end there as I'm running out of time.

I'm assuming you're deliberately going for omniscient POV, which is rather old-fashioned now, and tends to give a distancing air to writing which precludes total immersion in character experience. Almost certainly the tension here would feel greater if you picked a character and showed more of his/her emotions and thoughts rather than hopping from one to another as you do.

I think too, that it all felt a little too telling-ified, when it might help to show more tension -- eg in the centre, one of the young lieutenants might look as if he's about to be sick, or another has a look of bravado that is clearly hiding fear, eg someone might swear or make the sign of the cross/say a prayer.

Despite your intention to make it fast-paced and exciting, the scene really didn't work for me, and it all felt a bit flat and long-winded. shorter, punchier sentences will help, though don't go overboard, and more ruthless pruning of what isn't important here.

You have a very simple style, which can be good (and lucrative), but for my taste it was too often at the simplistic end of the scale, not helped helped by some cliche and bordering on cliche. And although you don't want to overload description, you need enough for the reader to have some idea of what she is reading about -- but make sure the detail is informative.

NB No one was here when I started, so apologies for simply repeating much of what the others have said.


EDIT: sorry, just realised I used "telling" in two different ways here which may be confusing. Re description being "tellling" I mean as in revealing, having an impact -- so fair hair isn't very telling, but having a long scar or disfiguring injuries might be. Re what I've now changed to tellling-ified, I mean the opposite of showing, and this is often a companion to the info-dumping, ie just baldly setting something down which could be better inferred from actions.

Once again, let me say thank you for your considered input....yes, it's an early draft. Please don't apologise for repeating anything that others have already said, the more that I get drummed into my head the same basic mistakes the better LOL!

I do more naturally tend to write in omniscient POV. For this scene I wanted to keep from the reader what the characters already knew as it was a key part of the tension that I was endeavouring to develop.....obviously didn't succeed.

Thank you for your thoughts.

 

[mgilmour]

Haven't looked at the others. Here goes:

---------------------------------------------------------------

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet [just "stood"] behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from [by] an aid. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge [on the other side of the planet -- why do we need to know it's the other side of the planet? If so, is there a better way to get the information across?] and the vanquishing of the Barrier[comma] the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks [of what? why?] and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

[At this stage, I think you've spent a bit long setting the scene and getting in the background, and I don't have any reason to be interested yet. I don't know what's going on]

“Report [comma]Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to [for]the aid at his side or the report he was reading[comma] General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in. [OK. But I don't. Who are "they"? Why does the Major not show or feel any emotion when he's speaking?]

In one motion[comma] General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table [I don't think that can be one movement]. “They’re here”, he said.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.” [Now I'm cross. I don't know who is "here" and I still don't know why I should care]

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow [which drooped at the ends?]. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have [hadn't had?] time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts [comma]generals?”

Afraid the kids are demanding my laptop. Little darlings. Hope this helped.

1. I purposfully delayed saying who was "here" to try and build the tension. I think what I have inadvertently done is just annoy the reader.
2. It's interesting that each person that has commented so far has assumed that the Major would be a key character rather than a person that has "two lines". It never occurred to me that he was so prominent.
3. General Alban is very clever at doing multiple things with one movement....clearly a mistake on my part LOL!

Thanks for that and good luck with the kids!

 

[The Judge]

It's interesting that each person that has commented so far has assumed that the Major would be a key character rather than a person that has "two lines". It never occurred to me that he was so prominent.

Because you open the chapter with him, which nowadays tends to indicate POV character.

One way to avoid that is to start with "General!" then in the next line something like: General Bardon's head snapped up. Behind the [whatever-it-is] console, Major Ruscov was on his feet. "General, they're here." That gives you the trigger for the scene without making Ruscov important.

 

[mgilmour]

So, a few things maybe to think about?

A few answers to questions for you
1. The characters are generals - they are exhausted, relatively controlled but fraying around the edges. The reader has already met the characters before.

- how can you show that exhaustion and the fraying around the edges? Some shouting at each other, one grabbing another's throat, some fidgeting fingers? Grainy eyes, red-rimmed eyes, hollow eyes... etc etc. You have some of this but it's in a description of a character, which slows things and is a tell - better in the character experience, if possible. Perhaps the pony tail could be in disarray, some grime rubbed into someone's temples as they massage them? Try to get it into the character movements if you can and then we're pulled along with you.



3. The setting is in a typical boardroom on a half built starship on the ground. It serves as the Concord command centre.

- can you make that clearer?


4. I actually don't want an attack as the real heroes are the ones that attack the battleship in the following chapters.

So, why on Earth are we starting with this scene? Is it to get information over? If so, my advice would be to heck with the info, and start with the battle and the heroes. I know it's the second book and it feels like you have more luxury to take it slowly but you still have to hook. A zippy space battle tends to (well, it's my default often...), a boardroom scene will always struggle to.


5. I find that POV and head stuff is actually quite difficult and requires 10+ rewrites to get right....

Tis a bugger, all right. I do it by imagining I'm the actor playing the pov character and only report on what I can see, feel, touch or hear.

Once again, many thanks! Welcome.

1. Clearly the term "frap" (a swear word from book one) doesn't come across as the generals being a bit frazzled.
2. It's interesting that a few people have mentioned to me that my writing is like watching a movie and reflects an older style. I would actually agree with this.....
3. The boardroom was the same one from an entire chapter in book one. I think I need to at least allude to this.
4. I was thinking of this as more of an "Empire Strikes Back" where there is a build up before the battle. BTW - in the end the actual battle doesn't involve spaceships at all. I was actually thinking of having two other possible chapters ahead of this one. The first one is set 50,000 years in the past and is a typical space battle that shows the readers where three characters from book one came from (Creativity, Intellect and Wisdom). This is followed by a dream sequence where the main character's wife (who is back on Earth) dreams of her son and husband going into battle and is essentially a recap for the end of book one. It also suggests that there is a telepathic link between her husband and her. This would then lead directly into the current chapter and that they were about to be attacked again.
5. The POV stuff is one of the toughest things that I find I work on......but I keep on going

Seeing that it's 2:41am I'd better get going.

 

[mgilmour]

Because you open the chapter with him, which nowadays tends to indicate POV character.

One way to avoid that is to start with "General!" then in the next line something like: General Bardon's head snapped up. Behind the [whatever-it-is] console, Major Ruscov was on his feet. "General, they're here." That gives you the trigger for the scene without making Ruscov important.

OK....that's an exceptionally elegant solution. Thank you!

 

[chrispenycate]

Hi all,
When I read some of the in depth comments from other critiques I'm a little in awe of what people see, read and debate. So here goes.....

This is a draft of an early chapter in book two of The Mindwars. The characters and jargon should already be familiar to the reader (although not necessarily as they may start at book two). The goal is to turn a victory at the end of book one into a potential disaster and then pose a glimmer of hope which entices the reader to the next chapter.
It's meant to be really fast paced and not bogged down in long descriptions.

Thank you in advance for your considered thoughts.

Cheers!

---------------------------------------------------------------

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet

Rose to his feet or just stood up.

behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid

aide - and possibly 'by' rather than 'from'?

. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

“Report

Comma

Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to the aid

aide

at his side or the report he was reading General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.

In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.”

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts

Comma

generals?”

General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.”

Just as General Bardon uttered the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair. His face a mask of concentration.

Fragment.

“That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”

“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got a thing that will light up the shields on the battleship let alone the destroyers.”

?

General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”

“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.

General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute,

Comma splice.

although still young in years, right now she was feeling old, “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.”

Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”

General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away the evacuation order on her wrist-comp. Her blond ponytail swinging behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentration.

Fragment

In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby and they were very good at their jobs.

“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked.

Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”

General Bardon’s mustache seem to flare as he said in exasperation, “Frap

Comma

Alban, I’ve no frapping idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”

“I’m sorry

Comma.

general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”

General Bardon turned to Franky and asked, “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged as a ground based weapon?”

“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something like that with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”

General Bardon nodded in understanding. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”

Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”

Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much. Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak, “It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.”

Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”

 

[mgilmour]

Thanks for that Chrispenycate!

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I haven't read the other comments, but here is my take. I liked the beginning, with its hint of a battle and intriguing references to earthmen, etc and most of my suggestions are nit-picky ones, but for what it's worth:

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid. His neatly trimmed moustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

“Report Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to the aid at his side or the report he was reading General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.

In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.”

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver moustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle[As sharp as an eagle's?] , not missing a thing. “Thoughts generals?”

“We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground, General Bardon said, I have reshuffled this slightly “All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.”["Put it up on the monitor, Ruskov."]

Just as General Bardon uttered the words The main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was came as a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet, and the two destroyer-class ships bringing up the rear.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair, instead of new sentence his face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”

“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got anything that will light up the shields on the battleship, let alone the destroyers.”

General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”

“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.

General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, full stop although still young in years, right now she was feeling old,full stop “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.”

Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”

General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away at the evacuation order on her wrist-comp, her blond ponytail swinging behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentration. In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby, and they were very good at their jobs.

“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked.

Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”

General Bardon’s moustache seemed to flare as he said in exasperation, “Frap Alban, I’ve no frapping idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”

“I’m sorry general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”

General Bardon turned to Franky and asked, “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged as a ground based weapon?”

“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something like that, with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”

General Bardon nodded in understanding. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”

Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”

Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much.

Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak, “It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.”

Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”

 

[mgilmour]

I haven't read the other comments, but here is my take. I liked the beginning, with its hint of a battle and intriguing references to earthmen, etc and most of my suggestions are nit-picky ones, but for what it's worth:

Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet behind his console in the Concord command center. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.

General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid. His neatly trimmed moustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

“Report Major.”

“They’re here.”

Without a second thought to the aid at his side or the report he was reading General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.

In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.

General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”

“There was no need. They’re here.”

General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver moustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle[As sharp as an eagle's?] , not missing a thing. “Thoughts generals?”

“We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground, General Bardon said, I have reshuffled this slightly “All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”

“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.

“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.”["Put it up on the monitor, Ruskov."]

Just as General Bardon uttered the words The main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was came as a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet, and the two destroyer-class ships bringing up the rear.

“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.

Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair, instead of new sentence his face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.”

“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got anything that will light up the shields on the battleship, let alone the destroyers.”

General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”

“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.

General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, full stop although still young in years, right now she was feeling old,full stop “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.”

Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”

General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away at the evacuation order on her wrist-comp, her blond ponytail swinging behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentration. In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby, and they were very good at their jobs.

“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked.

Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”

General Bardon’s moustache seemed to flare as he said in exasperation, “Frap Alban, I’ve no frapping idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”

“I’m sorry general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”

General Bardon turned to Franky and asked, “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged as a ground based weapon?”

“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something like that, with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”

General Bardon nodded in understanding. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”

Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”

Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much.

Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak, “It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.”

Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”

----------------------
Hi Kerry,
Thank you for your comments! BTW, I had always spelled moustache with an "ou" but Chron here said it was an error. I presumed it was a US/English spelling issue and went with the Chron version as this is what I thought everyone would be familiar with. LOL!

Since this is one of the starting chapters in book two the Earthmen are known to both the readers and the other characters. I'm really pleased that you found the chapter intriguing though....it was my goal.

Cheers!

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

I quite liked it in general (no pun intended) but as I haven't read book one I'm coming at it from a blank slate - so some parts confused me a little. Since it's an early draft, I'll just look at the main thrusts.


My opening thought is that there needs to be something before this to describe the command centre and the tension in the air.


Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet behind his console in the Concord command center. OK others have already mentioned the stand to his feet bit. You've said everyone's a bit frazzled - though I'm not sure why when you've also said they just had a big victory. However, if that's the impression you want to give, go with something like "Major Ruscov leapt to his feet, sending his chair flying backwards across the command centre. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise Hub bub? Din? You're trying to portay a sense of discord. of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.
General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

I get a mixed message here. First there's a major moral boost after a victory. But everyone's on high alert / frazzled? And what is the major's job given that it's so important? I assume they had two weeks until the next attack?

“Report Major.”
“They’re here.”

There's a speech line needed here. Something from the general to issue an order to the major to do something like set up the displays and maybe tell people he's going into the think tank.

Without a second thought to the aid at his side or the report he was reading General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.
In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.
General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”
“There was no need. They’re here.” Doesn't make sense - Ruscov has just confirmed it and the general acted the moment he did. But he already knew?
General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts generals?”
General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”
“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.
“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.” Stilt the conversation. These are people speaking in an emergency. They're going to leave out unimportant words. So maybe "I came straight in but Ruscov will flash it up."
Just as General Bardon uttered the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.
“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.
Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair. His face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.” Frapping? To me as a blank slate reader it sounds like something to do with coffee.
“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got a thing that will light up the shields on the battleship let alone the destroyers.” Backwards - destroyers are smaller than battleships so should be easier to light up.
General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”
“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.
General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, although still young in years, right now she was feeling old, “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.” Again stilt the conversation. "Thirty six." They know what the ships are for.
Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”
General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away the evacuation order on her wrist-comp. Her blond ponytail swinging behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentration. In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby and they were very good at their jobs.
“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? This needs explaining. I thought they were all human. Now they're not? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked. He said, he asked the first question but the second sentence wasn't a question.
Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”
General Bardon’s mustache seem to flare as he said in exasperation, “Frap Alban, I’ve no frapping idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”
“I’m sorry general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines Did we just move into steampunk? and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”
General Bardon turned to Franky and asked, “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged If they're not human this is a very human term - spec WWII. as a ground based weapon?”
“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something some frap? like that with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”
General Bardon nodded in understanding. Needs something here. This is a bad situation. He understands that. You want something to show his reaction. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”
Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”
Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much. Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak,

New paragraph for a new POV / speaker.

“It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.” OK I'm lost here. Wouldn't the enemy pick them all off? And what does filling them with explosives(?) have to do with any of that?
Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”



Hope that helps.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[mgilmour]

Hi,

I quite liked it in general (no pun intended) but as I haven't read book one I'm coming at it from a blank slate - so some parts confused me a little. Since it's an early draft, I'll just look at the main thrusts.


My opening thought is that there needs to be something before this to describe the command centre and the tension in the air.


Major Ruscov pushed back his chair as he stood to his feet behind his console in the Concord command center. OK others have already mentioned the stand to his feet bit. You've said everyone's a bit frazzled - though I'm not sure why when you've also said they just had a big victory. However, if that's the impression you want to give, go with something like "Major Ruscov leapt to his feet, sending his chair flying backwards across the command centre. “General Bardon,” he called over the noise Hub bub? Din? You're trying to portay a sense of discord. of the officers giving orders to squads all over Alpha Three.
General Bardon’s head snapped up from a report that had just been handed to him from an aid. His neatly trimmed mustache seemed to quiver to attention at the major’s voice. Since the victory over the Scourge on the other side of the planet and the vanquishing of the Barrier the Concord morale couldn’t have been higher. They knew they had two weeks and Major Ruscov had the most important job on all of Alpha Three.

I get a mixed message here. First there's a major moral boost after a victory. But everyone's on high alert / frazzled? And what is the major's job given that it's so important? I assume they had two weeks until the next attack?

“Report Major.”
“They’re here.”

There's a speech line needed here. Something from the general to issue an order to the major to do something like set up the displays and maybe tell people he's going into the think tank.

Without a second thought to the aid at his side or the report he was reading General Bardon nodded his head in acknowledgement and strode off towards the command conference room. A sudden silence descended across the command centre as every officer dropped what they were doing and watched the general enter the “think tank”. They knew their jobs and the critical situation they were all in.
In one motion General Bardon closed the door behind him and pulled out a high backed black leather chair to sit at the large boardroom table. “They’re here”, he said.
General Alban’s pony tail swung as she pinned Bardon with her gaze. “Ruscov’s confirmed it?”
“There was no need. They’re here.” Doesn't make sense - Ruscov has just confirmed it and the general acted the moment he did. But he already knew?
General Frank MacLeod's normally impeccable neat silver mustache now drooped at the ends and was matched by a five o’clock shadow. He’d been sleeping in his clothes again and didn’t have time to get cleaned up after a quick nap earlier in the day. There was just too much to do. Although exhausted, his eyes were like those of an eagle, not missing a thing. “Thoughts generals?”
General Bardon said, “We’re as prepared as we’ll ever be on the ground. All battleframes have been repaired, all settlements have been augmented with any mounted cannons we have. It helped that we could strip the Scourge base of a few larger weapons.”
“Do we know the composition of the Scourge fleet?” Aldan asked.
“I came straight in here but Ruscov will put it up on the monitor in a minute.” Stilt the conversation. These are people speaking in an emergency. They're going to leave out unimportant words. So maybe "I came straight in but Ruscov will flash it up."
Just as General Bardon uttered the words the main screen at the end of the table came to life. Displayed in a classic V-formation were the three massive Scourge troop carriers that the now deceased General Grendig had revealed to Whizzbang and his squad of Earthmen. What was a surprise was the battleship leading the fleet and the two destroyer class ships bringing up the rear.
“We’ve got three really serious problems,” Alban stated flatly.
Franky ran his hands through his grey hair as he leaned back in his chair. His face a mask of concentration. “That’s a frapping understatement and they’re arriving in just under two hours.” Frapping? To me as a blank slate reader it sounds like something to do with coffee.
“As if the troop carriers weren't enough of a worry! What are we going to do against those?” General Bardon asked as he indicated the escort ships. “We haven’t got a thing that will light up the shields on the battleship let alone the destroyers.” Backwards - destroyers are smaller than battleships so should be easier to light up.
General Alban sank back further into her chair. This was just so unfair after their recent victory. “They’re going to pick us off from up top and then walk right in.”
“How many drop ships do we have?” Franky asked Alban.
General Alban’s brow furrowed for a minute, although still young in years, right now she was feeling old, “We have thirty-six available for combat and troop movement.” Again stilt the conversation. "Thirty six." They know what the ships are for.
Franky sighed deeply, “General, I would like to suggest that you get a squadron of them to the satellite station and evacuate the personnel. They’re sitting ducks up there.”
General Alban nodded and immediately began tapping away the evacuation order on her wrist-comp. Her blond ponytail swinging behind her as she shook her head from side to side in concentration. In thirty minutes the crew would be off the satellites and back in the command center. Her pilots were always on standby and they were very good at their jobs.
“Has anyone seen the Earthmen? This needs explaining. I thought they were all human. Now they're not? We need them more than ever now,” General Bardon asked. He said, he asked the first question but the second sentence wasn't a question.
Alban looked up from her wrist-comp, indicated the screen and said, “What good are they going to do against that?”
General Bardon’s mustache seem to flare as he said in exasperation, “Frap Alban, I’ve no frapping idea but I just know that things seem to get a little better with the Earthmen around.”
“I’m sorry general,” Alban replied to General Bardon. “I know that these Earthmen have done amazing things but we’re talking about a capital ship. I know about flying machines Did we just move into steampunk? and let me tell you that we’ve got nothing here that can stand against that.”
General Bardon turned to Franky and asked, “How about the old Barrier repulsor cannons? Could they be Jerry-rigged If they're not human this is a very human term - spec WWII. as a ground based weapon?”
“Already looked into it and the techs say no. Apparently it’s a completely different form of energy or something some frap? like that with a lot of gobble-de-gook.”
General Bardon nodded in understanding. Needs something here. This is a bad situation. He understands that. You want something to show his reaction. “If that’s the case then it sounds to me like we need to dig a great big hole under a mountain and go hide in it.”
Franky turned to General Alban and looked her directly in the eye. “General, I hate to ask this but could the drop ships be rigged as guided manned missiles? We’d ask for volunteers of course.”
Alban closed her eyes in pain. She loved her pilots and would do almost anything for them but this was too much. Thankfully General Bardon interrupted when she was just about to speak,

New paragraph for a new POV / speaker.

“It’s no good Franky. The drop ships can achieve a stable orbit but the Scourge escort ships would pick off any of ours aimed in their direction. Even if we packed them full of infused Tellurite they’d only just bounce off the shields of the battleship.” OK I'm lost here. Wouldn't the enemy pick them all off? And what does filling them with explosives(?) have to do with any of that?
Just then the door swung open and a voice asked, “How about something a lot smaller than a drop ship?”



Hope that helps.

Cheers, Greg.

Hi there Greg,
First of all, let me thank you for your feedback.

A few comments:
1. Many of the issues you raised are actually covered in Book One (eg. frap, the commend centre etc.) What you have pointed out is that I need to ease a potential new reader into the situation as they may not have read Book One at all.
2. I think that your comments about tightening the conversation is really important as it will provide a sense of urgency.
3. From Book One you find out that everyone in this scene are human but the Earthmen are specific to Earth.

I love the feedback! I really need to spend some time assimilating everyone's thoughts and suggestions. There's just so much here.

Cheers!

Michael

 

[Bowler1]

Welcome mgilmour, I'm sure your feeling well done over by now, but believe it or not, you've come off reasonably well for an early post. All the usual for me, lack of tension, lack of character experience, confusing POV and very distant. So lots of work ahead of you, which I hope you'll accept and get on with.

Which is where I'm going to give you my 2c worth. You mentioned editing above and speak of editing as a chore. It's not. I have no idea how many times I edit and review sections, but if I could get my writing right in 10 goes I would honestly be over the moon. Clearly, your writing will never be perfect and you'll never please everyone no matter what you do, so it's a case of achieving a high standard or writing that you can live with. As you learn more, this goal dances and shimmers just beyond the horizon, sometimes close enough to touch, but usually drawing you on into the parched desert of perfection. Clearly perfection is a mirage, a nirvana we all strive for - expect for the "MIGHTY CHRISPY", but being a GOD he really doesn't come into the normal sufferings of mortals like us. In general the rest of us bash away at words that behave like cats being herded and yet despite all our unrewarded effort, we keep going. To be clear, what I define as a writer is the stubborn bugger that keeps on going, that keeps trying and trying. This mgilmour is what awaits you. Right here and now is your Matrix moment, do you take the blue pill, or do you take the red pill?