Disclaimer: the contents herein are just MHO. I hope you find them useful, but, of course, only use what serves you best. No harshness is intended, but I tend to be blunt.
Sometimes when I was perusing books at a store, I would open and read the first paragraph. If it didn't hold any promise for me, I'd put it back and move to the next one of interest. These days with downloadable samples, I give more leeway, but as soon as I read your first paragraph, I wondered why you would choose to open with that? What about it is engaging? I haven't read book one. You need me to engage here an now.
Paragraph 3 is "Report, Major." This just telegraphs that you are saying to the reader, And now I will catch you up. Opening with a report scenario is in the same league as opening with someone waking up in my book, a no-no.
They’re here.” [Now I'm cross. I don't know who is "here" and I still don't know why I should care]
And then, to add insult to injury for the reader, you don't actually report and bring us up to speed. Now I do applaud you for not pausing for the recap, but after you ask for the report, and I've already been annoyed as a reader that you open with "report," you annoy me as a reader by not doing it and leaving me hanging for info. And repeating "They're here" three times feeds that annoyance. So I agree with Hex, this is just a case of annoying the pig, to quote Mark Twain.
3. What I was trying to create was a sense of tension by not revealing to the reader what was actually going on. It's like everyone else knows other than the reader.....seems like an epic fail.
I hear this excuse for confusing writing so very often. In my opinion, it is okay to confuse your characters, but never, never your reader. If your reader scratches his or her head and starts rereading a paragraph or section over again, you have lost that reader as an author. Once a reader is outside you control, meaning once they leave the flow of the narration to go in search of understanding, you've given them a reason to put down your book. And this early on, which likely translates into no sale. You can make the scene feel chaotic, but don't abandon the reader, always give them the sign posts they need to navigate the confusion that the characters are having trouble with.
So, why on Earth are we starting with this scene?
I had this very same thought very early on. I strongly feel this is not the proper start for book two. I am not engaged. It feels very much like I just turned a page and started a new chapter in an established book.
Many of the issues you raised are actually covered in Book One
You can't really do that and expect to sell book two well. Books in a series always have the chore of orienting the readers even if they expect the reader read the previous book. Might be a long time between reads. Dresden files takes a paragraph or two in every book to describe the lab. I got so tired of the lab description that I cheered when it finally burned down in a later book. Woot! no more lab descriptions! But none the less, it had to be there for people picking up out of order. So you will need to orient them to the parts that need attending, and you will have to do it as you go along and as needed so that you avoid an info dump of the first book.
As far as POV breach, that is adding to the distance between the reader and the characters. I might suggest an exercise to help you envision what one character sees. Take a section of text, such as this one, and rewrite it in first person. Don't worry about making it great, it's just an exercise, but use it to try to envision what you, as the POV can and cannot see and know.
Good luck, mgilmour, and thanks for sharing!
