Book blurb, Need opinions...

[psychotick]

Hi,

"Beth Larson, an engineer at a top research facility, struggled with a failing relationship. In an attempt to get away from it all, she sought out a dangerous field assignment. Little did she know, this was about to take her on the journey of a lifetime. She met her contact in the field, Jake Johnson, an attractive young coalition soldier who discovered some wreckage and a damaged alien android.
Bremick Adonas, a well seasoned android regent with Central Command, and his partners were investigating a recent series of pirate raids on cargo freighters that spanned several star systems. During a sting operation, his ship was ambushed by the pirates. He was badly damaged in the attack and became stranded on Earth, a primitive world by his standards.
Recognizing the potential in their skills and in gratitude for their assistance in his recovery, Bremick invited Beth and Jake to accompany him on his investigation. The journey takes them across the universe and into a highly advanced society, where Beth meets Bremick’s partners and competes for Jake’s attention. She sorts out her feelings for Jake and Bremick with the hope of findng her soulmate. They visit unique places and use their special skills in an attempt to piece together the pirates’ activities and identify the mastermind of the operation, all in hopes of bringing an end to the pirate raids."

This was much better than the Simon says do this travel guide you had before. My main comment is that it's too long. Blurbs should be under two hundred words and if possible under one hundred. So if I can:

Research engineer Beth Larson was struggling with a failing relationship. Desperate to get away from it she took on a field assignment with the dashing Jake Johnson, and together they investigated a crashed alien space craft.

But it wasn't just a matter of investigating some wreckage.

Bremick Adonas, an android regent had been investigating a series of pirate attacks in the sector, before he was shot down over Earth. When Beth and Jake found him he recognised their skills, and invited them on the journey of a lifetime as he continued his mission.

But it could be a very short lifetime.

Hope that helps. You want to give the gist of the plot - no more - and try to bring tension into it - assuming the book is supposed to be more adventure than romance.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[Avid Scifi Fan]

It's amazing how much time it takes to re-write such a short piece. I've thinned out a few more things and changed the wording on some others. I only hint at the Beth/Jake relationship in this blurb version as I don't want to push the romance part of th book (its more of an adventure).

Thanks for your comments, I do find them helpful. implementing them is always more challengingthem reading them. Please let me know your thoughts (good or bad).


*****

Bremick Adonas, an android regent, is tasked with stopping the recent pirate raids that have been crippling trade routes. When his ship is ambushed, he is badly damaged in the attack and stranded on Earth.

Beth Larson, an engineer at a research facility on Earth, struggles with a failing relationship and a monotonous project at work. Looking for change, she seeks out a dangerous field assignment that sends her into a war zone to investigate some strange wreckage. Once there, she meets Jake Johnson, an attractive young soldier, and a damaged alien android, Bremick, who needs to return to his mission.

Beth and Jake work together to assist in his recovery and join him on his assignment. The journey takes them across the universe to strange worlds in a highly advanced society. They attempt to piece together the pirates’ activities and identify the mastermind of the operation, all in hopes of bringing an end to the pirate raids.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

I think that's pretty close. I don't think you need to describe Bremick a second time, just name him. (They're hellish to do.)

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

First two paragraphs are a bit matter of fact, and I agree with Jo. You don't need to describe Bremick a second time.

My thought is the third paragraph is where you need to add some zing. Eg:

"When Beth and Jake work together with Bremick to repair his craft the android offers them an amazing opportunity. A journey that will take them across the galaxy and introduce them to new wolds and new civilizations (yes I know - a bit Trekkie but I am what I am) as they hunt down the pirates."

"How could they say no?!" (I'm a fan of these catchy, short last lines.)

I'd also look at a tag line before the first paragraph since it and the one following it are so dry. Eg:

"Aliens, Androids and Pirates - And that's just the start!"

Hope that helps,

Cheers, Greg.

 

[CathleenT]

Bremick Adonas, an android regent, is tasked with stopping the recent pirate raids that have been crippling trade routes. When his ship is ambushed, he is badly damaged in the attack and stranded on Earth. (This is clear. My only quibble is that Bremick is passive. I've been taught that you want to introduce your protag in the first graf, and make them active. May just be the preferences of the people I learned from, but I thought I'd throw it out there.)

Beth Larson, an engineer at a research facility on Earth, struggles with a failing relationship and a monotonous project at work (Perhaps job instead--more concise). Looking for change, she seeks out a dangerous field assignment that sends her into a war zone to investigate some strange wreckage. Once there, she meets Jake Johnson, an attractive young soldier, and a damaged alien android, Bremick, who needs to return to his mission. (Agree that describing the android isn't necessary again. I would call him an android, to tie it into the first graf.)

Beth and Jake work together to assist in his recovery and join him on his assignment. The journey takes them across the universe(really dislike this phrase--I hear a Beatles sountrack in my head) to strange worlds in a highly advanced society. They attempt to piece together the pirates’ activities and identify the mastermind of the operation(mastermind of what operation?), all in hopes of bringing an end to the pirate raids.

Are there any higher stakes than pirate raids? It feels...non-urgent. Academic, almost. The gal's getting away from a boring job. The trade routes will be un-crippled. There's nothing here to make it feel like a page-turner for me.

I apologize if this isn't how critiques are done on this site. This is just how I learned to do them. Feel free to disregard.