How's My Opening Pages?

[Denise Tanaka]

Really great feedback, all. Jo and Bowler, you are not miserable at all. This piece is still "wet clay" though it's in fairly solid shape. This is where I can delve in to pinch and tweak and finesse the little bits.

Ray, I appreciate the vote. I think it's a trend of modern prose to jump right into the action as soon as possible. As an English Lit major, I've ready plenty of Victorian novels but the time for Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters has passed. (sad face) Actually I've trimmed down the opening a LOT, there used to be a whole page of her doing kitchen chores and making soup. Cinderella scrubbing floors and all that. I'll experiment with the arrangement and see how it sounds.

As a person with a stutter myself, I can tell you, you pretty much don't talk unless you need to.

Me too! Though mine is not so bad. I don't stutter noticeably, per se, but I use a lot of the stalling filler words like "um" and "you know" and if I get nervous I get stuck repeating the first few words of a sentence in a broken record syndrome. It was worse when I was a little kid. This character's speech impediment is very close to my heart.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Maybe we find out next?
That's what I assumed.
I don't like a Columbo style were everything practically is explained at the beginning.

It's not about explanations and everything being laid out. It's about character continuity and character readers like me can't get past characters behaving as if they're being led by the author's needs rather than what a character would really do.

There is no hint the pov character knows this person. If she does, and it's revealed later, then that's a problem for me as the pov character hasn't been truthful to who they are - which means the author is playing with me and I lose confidence in them. If she doesn't, then it's not in character for an easily cowed woman, presumably on her own, to take the actions she does, which means the author needs them to come together, and has forced the story to match their needs, in which case I lose confidence in them.

I'm not alone in that sort of response. This early in a story which I'm presuming is meant for agents and/or publishers, it's the reason they need to put it down and shout, "Next!" Which would be a pity when it's something very easy to fix.

Edit - to also clarify (@Denise Tanaka) it's not about needing immediate action, either.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

There could be some other explanation other than knowing the person. I think it's too soon to jump to conclusions. Also people DO decide to help people on the spur of the moment. Or because they'll assist anyone that seems to be against the powers that be. Perhaps if he had been dressed in rags etc her reaction would have been different.

The opening passage raises many questions, which would encourage me to read more. the OP asked does it hook? It hooks me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

There could be some other explanation other than knowing the person. I think it's too soon to jump to conclusions. Also people DO decide to help people on the spur of the moment. Or because they'll assist anyone that seems to be against the powers that be. Perhaps if he had been dressed in rags etc her reaction would have been different.

The opening passage raises many questions, which would encourage me to read more. the OP asked does it hook? It hooks me.

Yes, but not me, because of an easily fixable issue. Why not try to hook even more? and, also, the issue Bowler raised that I've agreed with is one of the most common reasons for agents not reading on. It's fine to have differint opinions in crits - it's important to realise that any of them may have validity even if they don't correspond to your view. Crits are about wide feedback, beta reads are about single reader's opinions.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

So remind me,in which country do you let in a perfect stranger coming through the window?

"Briefly she wished for the courage to shout at them, Go away, your hornets! You have no business here!"
But she does have the courage to do the above.

"In the identical stiff uniform as the others, and with the mannerisms of a cavalryman, Condrie had not recognized this knight's sex until she spoke."
So Condrie has the mannerisms of a cavalryman?

 

[Bowler1]

So remind me, in which country do you let in a perfect stranger coming through the window?

I've no idea, but if it's my home I'm armed to the teeth with RAY GUNS and willing to use 'em.

The character development here has substance to it, which is why Ray likes what he sees. But as per Springs, I believe to get over the publishing hurdle (set a million miles high) you really have to have a well controlled and very well presented character POV. You know you have this right when your baddy (as an example only) is believable and your readers have love/hate emptions when reading your villain. Manage this, and then I think you're well on your way. A hard skill to learn and being honest, one I worry about still. It doesn't get easier from what I can see.

 

[Toby Frost]

For me the main problem was that I don’t understand why Condrie just lets the man hide in the house, and then doesn’t just let the soldiers find him. Is letting him in an active or a passive act, a brave one or just an accepting one? I think this would be sorted out with a couple of lines to show why she is letting these things happen (or, better, why she is making these things happen). I think activeness and initiative-taking are attractive in characters, so this would make her more appealing as well as showing what sort of person she is. HardScienceFanAgain makes a very good point – why is she letting this guy in at all?

While I agree that the beginning could be tightened, I do think we can get a bit obsessed with starting everything like a Joe Abercrombie novel. Condrie doesn’t seem like the sort of person who is going to burst onto the page in a blaze of gunfire. Assuming that you want to keep her in the opening – and if this book is about her, that seems reasonable - one idea might be to put the story more into her hands by having her look over the city, following her gaze from building to building, perhaps with brief thoughts, instead of just opening the windows onto a sort of painted scene. I would cut the word “routine” or anything like it which implies that this is mundane or uninteresting: it will probably have the same effect as those stories that begin with the lead character being bored.

Oh, and she has a sack full of lemons. That’s a lot of lemons.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

I don’t understand why Condrie just lets the man hide in the house, and then doesn’t just let the soldiers find him.

I agree, I wondered why. But assumed that the answer would be forthcoming when he is let out. If only by her answering him asking "Why?"

she has a sack full of lemons. That’s a lot of lemons.

We buy small sacks of lemons. But it's curious.
Lots of jam / lemon curd / cocktails / planning a sea voyage.

@Jo Zebedee
Agents are a dark mystery to me. I know nothing more than what they are alleged to do. So I bow to your superior knowledge.

I do think we can get a bit obsessed with starting everything like a Joe Abercrombie novel.

Indeed, though the original sounded a bit slow. I nearly gave up on Villette. It takes chapters to get started. We do have to get somewhere on the first page, but not every novel should be an Action Thriller wearing a particular Genre Jacket.
(oh an unintended pun)

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

One could argue about the policing methods of the kingdom to the south.
You're looking for a guy,and the whole group clusters in front of the back door.
No word of mouth in a rural(I assume)village,when a group of exotic cavalry enters town?
One could argue that Condrie is extremely gullible,not asking the man who wants to kill him,and why.
She believes him right away.
She opens the door immediately,because someone invoking the power of a king ,apparently not her own king(something not a lot of us would do)demands thus.
The commanding officer of the search party doesn't identify herself,BTW.
""The woman knight stepped in closer to stare face-to-face into Condrie's eyes. ""
Logically speaking:the only way you can stare into someone's eyes IS face to face,i'll
leave it to others to decide if that's a tautology
""Pure Xol blood gave her wide-set pale eyes, a blunt nose, caramel-toned skin, and auburn hair that she had chopped short to the collar like the other knights.""
I take it that's a bit of an omniscient narrator stepping in,or your protagonist knows her hematology and genetics.Is your protagonist well-traveled ,BTW,and literate?.
Because she instantly recognizes a purebred XOL as such.
And remember,if insects are buzzing outside your window,and you're cooking,it's best to keep the window closed,or some unusual ingredient might enter the food.

Hope you can put some of the comments by all of us to good use.
I like your protagonist having a stutter,because it brings her somewhat alive for the reader.
Post some more please,because we are all curious

 

[Toby Frost]

the only way you can stare into someone's eyes IS face to face

This bothered me slightly, but the rest didn't. It seems to me that they're holes that can be picked in the situation but are either so small that I'd gloss over them (although maybe others wouldn't) or, as Ray says, they'd be explained later.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

I'm also bothered by the fact that a very heavy table,unmovable by one girl,covers a hatch to the cellar ,which is in regular use as storage space

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

This bothered me slightly, but the rest didn't. It seems to me that they're holes that can be picked in the situation but are either so small that I'd gloss over them (although maybe others wouldn't) or, as Ray says, they'd be explained later.

which is why i asked for more.
It's very hard to judge properly,from these paragraphs
My personal opinion:shés trying to hard to grab the reader by the throat,shaking him/her,and barking "now read on,or,by God...."

 

[Ray McCarthy]

unmovable by one girl,covers a hatch to the cellar ,which is in regular use as storage space

Smugglers?
Hence the sack of lemons (for long sea voyages).
Hence used to strangers turning up via the window to do business.

Only a theory till I read more

 

[Ray McCarthy]

because someone invoking the power of a king ,apparently not her own king(something not a lot of us would do)

Unless I'm in a fort / castle / blockhouse, I'm going to open the door to soldiers / security etc, no matter which country they are from. Otherwise they might break it down and treat you worse.
If it was only a single foreign Bailiff (or similar) I'd ignore him though.

 

[hardsciencefanagain]

Leave the Germans out of it

 

[Bowler1]

I think Ray has been hooked.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

She's reeling me in ...
My wife says the opening is totally reasonable if Smugglers are using the place as a base.
Loads of people coming and going at odd hours that don't want to be identified. Perfect. As long as a Bordello / Brothel is legal, or bribes can be made for it (which might not be the case for a Smugglers cache/meeting place).

Actually wasn't there an incident in the Poldark stories like this? He gets "sucked in" to involvement with the smugglers and has to be hidden from the Revenue / Troops.

 

[BrisGirl]

Hello everyone. I've only just joined this site, and this will be my first contribution in this critique forum, just to let you know.

Denise, I've read through a few of the submissions to this part of the forum, and I decided to comment on your piece because I could tell that it has potential. If I was in a book shop, and I'd picked up this book just to start reading the first few paragraphs, then I would have been interested enough to keep on reading just another paragraph... and then another... and so on.

Some of the other people commenting here have wondered if you are getting to the action quickly enough, and I personally think you do. I liked the picture you were painting and the scene that you were setting. I think I kept on reading because your voice is confident enough, so that I can trust that we will get to the action in time. And five paragraphs is quickly enough in my opinion.

A few of the other submissions that I have read here have been so riddled with simple errors (grammar, punctuation, and so on) that it has been difficult for me to engage with the story at all. Thankfully, that was not the case here.

OK, over to some of the little things that I picked up on:

The sideways smile in the 2nd paragraph: This confused me. Why could she not see his face?

What is/are "bellows"? Maybe I'm a bit naive not to know this, just thought I'd let you know that at least one reader out there doesn't know.

"It fell loudly like the stomp of a boot on the wooden floor". Ok, so one minute, half the man's body is inside the house, but what about now? Is this the bellows falling, and it just happens to sound like the man's boot is now on the floor, or is this a hint that the boot is falling on the floor? I found myself hesitating while reading this, and had to go back and read the paragraph again. On the third reading, it made sense, but I particularly don't like having to do this right at the start of a book. This is the time where I'm still checking it out and deciding whether I want to keep on reading. During those first few paragraphs, I like to be, sort of, just carried away into the story, without having to think about the words, or the sentence structure, or (horrors!) typos.

"Insects continued droning undisturbed." Another reader found this shift to outside a bit strange, but it worked for me. I could actually picture the return to calm and absence of other noise.

Yes, I did wonder why the girl was so happy to hide the man without question. I didn't pick up that this was a brothel, either. But not understanding this was okay for me as a reader. I think your voice as a writer was confident enough that I was interested in reading further, so that these questions could be answered.

"because a woman bores arms in service of the southern king" - is this right?

"she had the exotic look of a foreigner" - a foreigner to this country or to Xol?

"She listened at the open window until she was sure that their heavy boots" - why is the window open? Didn't the knights just confirm that it was bolted from the inside?

OK, hope this helps, and good luck