3000th Post, 500 words

[ratsy]

So I didn't really know what to put up here for my 3000 so I just took a random scene from Sleepy Grove. I don't really think any back story is needed. Except that Rose works in a cemetery and sees spirits.


Rose had been particularly moved by the ceremony for Jack Penny. He was only sixteen when he died; wrists cut in the bathtub. His older brother had done an amazing speech discussing mental health and his brother’s affliction with it. She listened with her full attention and almost didn’t notice the thin boy crouched in the corner of the room. His grey body sat on the floor, arms over his knees, and head down. He rocked back and forth. The crowd of people moved out of the Church, towards the grounds where Jack’s body would be put in the earth. His spirit stayed behind, still rocking. Rose didn’t know how to deal with this troubled boy but she knew she had to try to talk to him. He was probably afraid, like most trauma victims were.

She stepped up to him and crouched down to get on a similar level as him. He wasn’t quite sitting on the ground, more so floating a couple inches over it.

“Hello Jack,” she almost whispered. There was no sense in startling the disturbed boy.

He didn’t answer but he did lift his head up to see who was talking to him. He kept rocking.

“Jack, my name is Rose. I know this must be confusing.”

“I killed myself. Why am I here? Shouldn’t I just be gone? I didn’t do it so I could stick around and be tormented by it!” Anger shone through his voice.

“I don’t know why you ended your life, but I do know that the pain is over now, Jack. You’re free of your mortal body now. You don’t have to be upset anymore.”

“But I am. I don’t feel free of my body; I feel it reeling me in.” His rocking sped up. “I don’t want to be here. Let me go. He’s coming. I can feel him.”

“Feel who? Who’s coming?” she asked. He just kept rocking and eventually Rose left him mumbling to himself. He kept saying ‘He’s coming’ over and over. She couldn’t see how he could be harmful to himself or anyone else, so she left the hall. Rose looked at her watch and hurried her steps.The first date she’d had in a long time and she was going to be late for it. She spotted Thelma floating down the walkway on the way to Rose’s home.

“Hey, can you keep an eye on the new kid while I’m out? He is the new suicide victim…still seems pretty messed up. If he becomes coherent can you, maybe, show him around a bit?”

“Sure thing, dear. Have a good date.” The spirit winked.

“Thanks, I’ll see you when I get back,” Rose said.

“I hope it’s not too early.”

She returned to her home, trying to rush to get ready for the detective. He was going to be there any minute and she still needed to shower. As she got ready, she kept hearing the boy’s shaky voice whispering ‘He’s coming…he’s coming’.

 

[Jackie Bee]

I really liked this part, it certainly made me want to read more! A small technical thing , I think you missed 'she ' in "and still needed to shower." Sounds like the detective needed to shower, which I believe wasn't you intention ?..

 

[Brian G Turner]

This read as mostly fine to me - I like the simplicity in the storytelling, and the fact that you just got on with it - no long explanations.

However, you've separated the text into two exclusive themes:

1. Rosie talking to the boy
2. Rosie going on a date

She does one, and then attends to the other.

However, the second is a motivation, and IMO you'd be better introducing it before she sees the boy. That would build character more, as obviously she's wants something, but she's willing to give time to others before her own wants. +1 to Rosie.

The fact that she's not getting anywhere with him allows her to return to her original motivation - going for a date.

You also reference the "He's coming...he's coming." at the end. However, if this is unusual behaviour, it might be better for Rosie to acknowledge this, and seek a solution - perhaps she has a mentor she can call on when dealing with more difficult cases. This way she's shown as more active and more engaged with what's around her, while also preventing her from seeming dumb - the reader will obviously pick up that this is a clue, so Rosie must also, unless there's a good reason not to.

2c.

 

[ratsy]

Thanks Jackie, I added that in

Brian, great suggestions. In the first chapter, Rose saw some very new things happen in the spirit world that she hadn't thought possible. She is realizing she doesn't really know much about it, and she doesn't have anyone to lean on or talk to about it. (until much later) At this point the town hasn't seen the string of murders its about to get hit with, so she is cautioned by his words but she is taking them with a grain of salt coming from a seemingly disturbed suicide spirit.

I will take those notes into consideration, and I really like the idea of mentioning the date first like you said.

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

I really liked this, especially the way Rose is so casual about the existence of these spirits, telling us she deals with them daily, but avoiding any info dump. The only thing that jarred, and this is probably just me, was: "His grey body sitting on the floor...". It seemed a bit clunky. A body doesn't really sit on the floor, although it might lie on the floor. This pulled me out for a moment as I tried to work out what position he was in.

However, that is a very tiny quibble indeed, and if I'm resorting to pointing it out the piece must be good! I really hope you get this story published at some stage, because I will buy it for sure. Can't wait to read the whole thing.

Oh, and congratulations on the 3,000 post.

 

[thaddeus6th]

Congrats on 3,000. As usual, not reading others' comments so repetition is entirely possible. *unsheathes claws*

He was only sixteen when he died; wrists cut in the bathtub. - I'd change the latter clause to 'he'd cut his wrists in the bath[tub]'.

His older brother had done an amazing speech discussing mental health - makes it sound a bit like an engaging lecture rather than a funeral speech. Maybe add 'poignant' and rephrase a little?

She listened with her full attention - shade clunky. Maybe use a word or two that wrap up the ideas of listening and being focused together ('rapt', for example).

His grey body sat on the floor, arms over his knees, and head down. He rocked back and forth. - like the short sentences but you seem to be starting quite a few with male pronouns.

The crowd of people moved out of the Church - lower case, probably [upper case could mean they're all becoming Jews]

towards the grounds where Jack’s body would be put in the earth. - graveyard/buried.

His spirit stayed behind - style only, could use 'lingered'

Rose didn’t know how to deal with this troubled boy but she knew she had to try to talk to him. - perhaps a shade contradictory. In clause 1 she doesn't know what to do. In clause 2 she knows what to do. Perhaps have uncertainty at first, and reluctance to leave him alone?

She stepped up to him - unless he's higher up, just have her walk. Stepped up makes it seem like stairs are being climbed.

to get on a similar level as him. - axe, this is implied strongly.

over it. - style: above

“Hello Jack,” she almost whispered. - blargle. Whisper or whisper not. There is no almost.

Anger shone through his voice. - style: not sure about anger shining (shining seems like a good thing).

“But I am. I don’t feel free of my body; I feel it reeling me in.” style: replace the semi-colon with a full stop.

His rocking sped up. - lots of rocking. A synonym or alternative once or twice would add some variety.

saying ‘He’s coming’ over and over. - uncertain about the switch to single speech marks (I know it's not direct as such, hence uncertainty).

steps.The first date she’d had in a long time and she was going to be late for it. - needs a space before 'The' and to organise her diary so that funerals and romantic liaisons are not contiguous.

He is the new suicide victim…still seems pretty messed up. - space after the ellipsis, and perhaps change to 'He's' at the start

‘He’s coming…he’s coming’. - space after the ellipsis

 

[ratsy]

Good suggestions Thad, thank you for taking the time

 

[HareBrain]

Congrats on 3,000 posts, Ratsy. This reads well for the most part, and the "He's coming" is intriguing.

Just one point to add to Thad's (and I think you should be consistent with double speech marks, by the way, and use singles for reported speech within speech).

His older brother had done an amazing speech discussing mental health and his brother’s affliction with it.

As it stands, this means he was afflicted with mental health, when what you mean is that he was afflicted with some kind of mental illness.

 

[thaddeus6th]

Np. In a bit of a critiquing mood

 

[ratsy]

HB, I am using single quotations for that type of wording where I would normally use italics. I'm doing that because I'm using Italics for any time a spirit is speaking. I'm not sure how it will all go down eventually once it is formatted properly. Do you think that in those two cases of single quote I could use " and get away with it...its not speech per se

Thanks for the note on the mental health, gotcha

 

[HareBrain]

HB, I am using single quotations for that type of wording where I would normally use italics. I'm doing that because I'm using Italics for any time a spirit is speaking. I'm not sure how it will all go down eventually once it is formatted properly. Do you think that in those two cases of single quote I could use " and get away with it...its not speech per se

The trouble is that unless a reader takes the time to piece together what you're doing there, it looks like a typo (though most probably wouldn't notice the change from double to single at all -- I wouldn't have if Thad hadn't pointed it out). I think you could use either double quotes or no quotes in both cases, and it would be clear from context what kind of speech it is.

 

[Parson]

Nice story. I don't usually do Fantasy, but this perked my interest.

He was only sixteen when he died; wrists cut in the bathtub

I found this sentence misleading. I was suspecting that someone else had cut his wrists for him. So I was really surprised when the ghost complains of his suicide being unsuccessful.

 

[ratsy]

k Thanks Parson. It's sort of a paranormal detective kinda thing, and I know you like mystery (at least I'm pretty sure you do) so it may be up your alley a bit.

 

[Ray McCarthy]

Italics are good for telepathy, spirit speech, thoughts etc. If I have thoughts AND Telepathy, I use (s)he thought tags and italics for the telepathy. Spirit speech is sort of equivalent to telepathy in other stories?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Congratulations on 3k! I love your Sleepy Grove stuff, and people have already covered a lot of things above, so I'll just add one bit for now that bugged me.

"...almost didn’t notice the thin boy crouched in the corner of the room. His grey body sat on the floor, arms over his knees, and head down. He rocked back and forth."

But it's not his body, and his body is dealt with in the next sentence. Perhaps more like "...the thin, grey boy crouched in the corner of the room. He rocked back and forth, arms over his knees, head down."

You don't really need to say he's sitting on the floor, as crouched in the corner of the room implies that already.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Woo, 3k. Well done.

Not much to say, really; it's clean and clear and there's a charming innocence about it, too.

The odd thing stuck out, nothing really big and possibly style or preference related:

His older brother had done an amazing speech discussing mental health
Is this a eulogy or a speech? It seems a bit academic-sounding calling it an 'amazing speech'. Is there a more evocative phrase? Touching eulogy, touching presentation, thoughtful, poignant, etc?

and his brother’s affliction with it. (I've always preferred the term 'battle' as opposed to affliction as it's what we do with depression/MH issues)


People/things seem to be doing a lot of almost-ing or seeming


Anger shone through his voice. - I associate 'shone' with something positive in tone (granted, that could be just me).


“But I am. I don’t feel free of my body; I feel it reeling me in.” His rocking sped up. “I don’t want to be here. Let me go. He’s coming. I can feel him.” I really liked this

pH

 

[hopewrites]

Yeah 3K! Good to have you around and active.
Really happy with the snippet you've posted up, I'll just add to the conversation around the 'found in the tub with slit wrists' bit. The way you mention it first, has me holding judgment open. It's obviously meant to look like a suicide, double down on this impression when his older brother takes the time to lecture about mental health. (I agree with Phyre re: battle) (Also on the topic of agreeing with Phyre; I think that anger can 'grate' through a voice, or 'surge' through a voice. Perhaps you would like anger to 'lance' through his voice...? IDK just trying to be helpful.)
On the other hand, it could have been a well concealed murder. The brother is my number one suspect as he takes the time to tell everyone how 'disturbed' his brother was, thereby solidifying the belief that it was subside.

Next mention is by the boy himself, and while he makes it clear that he did the wrist slicing, there is enough ambiguity for me to hold on to the murder idea. Bro is no longer suspect #1, but nether is he off the list. It's clear to me that he was instructed to do this to himself, or believed that by doing it he could escape something worse. It is also clear that this escape plan has not worked.

Who ever is coming, it's not going to end well. I hope her date is a paranormal expert, or at least an ex-spy who can keep her safe.

*As you can see, I'm hooked. Well done sir. Well done.*

 

[Droflet]

Bugger Ratsy, I saw this and began drooling with the anticipation of ripping into you. Nicely of course. Damn being in the southern hemisphere, too late again. So I'll just reiterate what everyone has said. Nicely done. I like the easy style. It will, no doubt become a useful tool when things get ah, thingy. Congrats on the 3000.

 

[Bowler1]

I would have liked the opening to be clearer and that it was a spirit right from the start, as he was introduced as a boy. Like Brian, I felt she left suddenly and after making the effort to stop and talk with the boy, it felt a little rushed to me. More so as you've introduced menace in the "he's coming" which really did attract my attention, but then she left on a date.

Some emotion on how she feels at seeing all these ghosts? I accept some this will all be very routine for her, but does she hide this ability from people watching or not? How does she feel seeing Jack was not explored much, which would add to character insight - or so I think.

I don't have much to add really and it got my interest as a concept for sure. Good luck with it and well done on 3k posts.

 

[ratsy]

Yeah Bowler, she has seen spirits her whole life so it is routine, especially since she sees them everyday at work. She also sees a lot of them spring up during their funerals. She has been through a few adventures at this point, and has helped create some justice from beyond the grave. So to me she is just brushing it off a little bit as a troubled boy's thoughts, but at the end you can tell it affected her.

@hopewrites she is going on a date with the detective she keeps running into as she is conveniently in the right place at the right time, helping the police put people away. She hasn't been on a date for a long time, and no one knows about her ability. At least I haven't written that scene yet, but I am looking forward to it.

I will take the advice and try to edit the scene soon.