3000th Post, 500 words

[Parson]

k Thanks Parson. It's sort of a paranormal detective kinda thing, and I know you like mystery (at least I'm pretty sure you do) so it may be up your alley a bit.

I do indeed like mysteries. I've been reading them like a starved lion on a fresh kill the past few months. It might just be "up my alley" but I'm leery of the paranormal. Sometimes it gets too "far out" for me to suspend belief; and sometimes it crosses into too horrifying to read on. ---- Yours though seems to have a light handed touch which I might find enjoyable indeed.

 

[tinkerdan]

I like this but I found the first paragraph clunky and the only reason I can give for this is that it seems that there is one sentence out of place.

Rose had been particularly moved by the ceremony for Jack Penny. He was only sixteen when he died; wrists cut in the bathtub. His older brother had done an amazing speech discussing mental health and his brother’s affliction with it.

Rose was moved by the ceremony and not particularly by his suicide. So perhaps bring the brother speech closer to that.

Rose had been particularly moved by the ceremony for Jack Penny. His older brother had done an amazing speech discussing mental health and his brother’s affliction with it. He was only sixteen when he died; wrists cut in the bathtub.

To me this creates a progression in the thoughts but maybe its just me.

 

[Juliana]

Congrats on the 3000! I think anything I would mention has already been covered, just wanted to say congratulations and that I really like the feel of your excerpt. Looking forward to reading more!