The Eden 3 Mission. Scene setting up the cataclysm.

[Brian G Turner]

IMO it's better, but your opening still isn't very strong. Granted, it doesn't have to be - but you're missing a trick by not using it to show something of the focus for this scene. Think about where the story actually starts (Wonderbook covers this topic well) and instead of building to that start, jump right in.

Ask yourself - what is that focus? My immediate impression is that it's to do with being disorientated by space, and the unwelcome need to go out into it to make repairs. In which case, I'd suggest your story actually begins at the following line:

he could never get used to the sensation of looking down beneath his feet and seeing the universe sail past as the Eden 3 spun

That is a much stronger opening sentence - it raises intrigue, questions, while also clearly providing setting and context.

Also, remember about the advantages of detail. For example, in your first paragraph you say:

fill a cart with some fresh fruit and vegetables

In note form this could be written as [generic action]. You specifically mention strawberries later, so if you do use a phrase like this, mention the actual fruit or vegetables that Adam is working with. "fruit and vegetables" offers little, but "carrots and strawberries" gives us colour, shape, and a visual cue.

You spend a lot of time on his thoughts about what happens to a body exposed to space, and this felt that it went on a bit - internal thoughts for a character are perhaps best used to underline an issue, rather than fully explain it. You may find that shortening it, or at least summarising a little more outside of his direct internal thoughts helps speed up the pace.

Overall, though, I get the impression that this project is still in an early draft - in which case, worry first about finishing the first draft of it, and you'll see a lot of the areas you need to improve upon yourself. What you have isn't bad, but I'm sure you can come back and make it stronger.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I've just realised - I thought this was a reposting of the first chapter. Apologies for the confusion.

 

[Loren]

Okay, so the visibility of things when traveling near the speed of light is making my head hurt a bit, but I'm willing to play with it a little bit. I watched the simulation somebody linked earlier, and would like to know how the view of things would change if looking at objects hundreds of light years away vice along a road in New Mexico within a couple feet or miles of the point of view. As for the stars moving (if visible, which I'm not willing to budge on for the sake of the story), they aren't - the ship is turning to create artificial gravity. On the subject of seeing stars through a window with the lights on, I think you're off target on that one. Think about every picture ever taken from inside the International Space Station. It's our thick atmosphere that blocks our view (most of the time) during the day.

Next post will be the revised version, see if it addresses some of the issues.

You are at liberty to do as you see fit, but you may be alienating some readers that know that there will be no visible stars abeam on a relativistic space craft near the speed of light.

As for seeing stars from the ISS, those are taken at a specific location in the ISS and in a totally darkened room. They even use thick black blankets to further shield the cameras from stray light inside the the ISS.

I am an amateur photographer that specializes in long exposure dark sky photography and the long and short of it is that the brightness of the stars is so much dimmer than the interior lights and that of the Earth that you can't see them. It's not the atmosphere that reduces their brightness, it's the magnitude of the stars that is the problem. There simply isn't enough dynamic range in the human eye (and brain) to see stars outside in even a dimly lit room.

I am afraid you are the victim of Hollywood movies like Star Trek, which does a great disservice with respect to the reality of space travel.

 

[Loren]

I am confused about this sentence: Most of the people who were blown out of the Kennedy Room eventually settled against the glass on the inside of the cylinder...

Are the bodies inside or outside the space vehicle? If inside, why are they still there? If they were outside they would keep moving at the relative velocity they were blown out at and soon would be out of visible range.

Actually, I think they would glow! At least for a short time.

At relativistic speeds the human body would be shotgunned with high energy radiation and hydrogen atoms. In interstellar space between stars (in between spiral arms of the galaxy) there is about 1 atom of hydrogen per cubic centimeter.

If the cross sectional area of a body was even 100 cm^2 (it's really larger than that, but I just want to use round numbers), then for every second in free space at relativistic velocities you would sweep out a volume of 100 cm^2 by 1 light second. That would be 100 • 3.00 X 10^10 cubic cm or 3 X 10^12 hydrogen atoms striking the body per second! Someone can check my math.

Obviously, a spacecraft must have some form of intense shielding to survive, but you won't have that even in a vacuum suit.

So, the idea of kicking off and remaining alive as the ship diminishes before you is also a problem. You wouldn't be alive very long at all! Th radiation would kill you and then you would be pummeled an astonishing amount of kinetic energy from hydrogen molecules in a blink of an eye.

I would research the part about the gravity of the ship and Adam. There is rest mass and their is relativistic mass, but I don't think as a traveler in a relativistic space vehicle you would be aware of your relativistic mass (someone correct me if I am wrong here). I think that is only true for an outside observer on their own inertial frame of reference watching an object moving at relativistic speeds. That object would appear Lorentz contracted and its apparent mass much greater based on the relativistic gamma factor.

There is a simple formula to calculate the relativistic gamma factor = 1 / √[1 - (V^2 / c^2)], if you are so inclined to understand its effects.

My point is that you may need to do more research on relativistic mass so that you don't create a glaring error.

Personally, I like it when fiction books explore physics with little nuggets in this way as it opens new vistas to learn things I did not know before.

Okay, enough of the holes in the science.

I am Still confused about what you are trying to write into this scene. Is it about the despair of isolation? If so, you could do a better job by researching the effects of extreme isolation on the mind.

I have two books where the main character is subjected to this and some of the things you might want to do is tell of how those effects manifest themselves. For instance. You have a breakdown of mental stability. You experience hallucinations like fleeting movements out of the corner of your eyes and aural hallucinations. You will get nightmares where you wake up screaming and disoriented. You talk to yourself or even regress to more primal vocalization. It isn't pretty and it can be very dark and spooky (a good theme for a writer).

Then there are the dark thoughts that come with it. Suicide is one of them and you even play into the thoughts of the morbid nature of dying and what it would be like.

All of these perverse thoughts will haunt a person in isolation, but to different degrees depending on the nature of people. There are some people that are isolationists, but even then they know in the back of their mind they can return to see people or communicate when they want to. However, most people are not like that.

There is a lot to explore about the effects of isolation on the soul if you want to exploit that. This passage does not leave me feeling much, if any, despair for Adam's situation and as such I don't feel like I care much about him and his plight.

It would be better to journey into his mind and how he perceives his predicament. Later, you want to tell how he struggles and overcomes these obstacles.

 

[Tywin]

You are at liberty to do as you see fit, but you may be alienating some readers that know that there will be no visible stars abeam on a relativistic space craft near the speed of light.

As for seeing stars from the ISS, those are taken at a specific location in the ISS and in a totally darkened room. They even use thick black blankets to further shield the cameras from stray light inside the the ISS.

I am an amateur photographer that specializes in long exposure dark sky photography and the long and short of it is that the brightness of the stars is so much dimmer than the interior lights and that of the Earth that you can't see them. It's not the atmosphere that reduces their brightness, it's the magnitude of the stars that is the problem. There simply isn't enough dynamic range in the human eye (and brain) to see stars outside in even a dimly lit room.

I am afraid you are the victim of Hollywood movies like Star Trek, which does a great disservice with respect to the reality of space travel.

Brah, I'm with you on most of this, but I can see a surprising number of stars behind Commander Hadfield Here:

Are the bodies inside or outside the space vehicle? If inside, why are they still there? If they were outside they would keep moving at the relative velocity they were blown out at and soon would be out of visible range.

They were blown into the interior of the curve of a cylindrical ship. They travel until they hit the far side of the cylinder (the ceiling of that side of the fishbowl) where they bounce, or splat, or whatever. When 10,000 or so are jettisoned into space, they went all manner of different directions to include at angles taking them outside the cylinder into the interstellar abyss. A decade or so after this event, I'm thinking that the ones inside the cylinder would have settled down and be either pressed against the ceiling of the fishbowl, or if they are right near the central axis (the hub), possibly they would just be floating there since the spinning motion of the ship wouldn't have any effect on them.

Obviously, a spacecraft must have some form of intense shielding to survive, but you won't have that even in a vacuum suit.

Something akin to a forcefield on the nose of the ship that protects the craft and anything in the open space interior to the cylinder.

I would research the part about the gravity of the ship and Adam. There is rest mass and their is relativistic mass, but I don't think as a traveler in a relativistic space vehicle you would be aware of your relativistic mass (someone correct me if I am wrong here). I think that is only true for an outside observer on their own inertial frame of reference watching an object moving at relativistic speeds. That object would appear Lorentz contracted and its apparent mass much greater based on the relativistic gamma factor.

Thought was more for what would happen to the planet on the far side (an outside observer) when Adam (in his space suit) would hit at relativistic speeds.

There is a lot to explore about the effects of isolation on the soul if you want to exploit that. This passage does not leave me feeling much, if any, despair for Adam's situation and as such I don't feel like I care much about him and his plight.

This is exactly where I want to go with this. I do want Adam's personality to shine through it though. He is the hero after all, and his character arc covers how he overcomes these.

 

[Loren]

Brah, I'm with you on most of this, but I can see a surprising number of stars behind Commander Hadfield Here:

They were blown into the interior of the curve of a cylindrical ship. They travel until they hit the far side of the cylinder (the ceiling of that side of the fishbowl) where they bounce, or splat, or whatever. When 10,000 or so are jettisoned into space, they went all manner of different directions to include at angles taking them outside the cylinder into the interstellar abyss. A decade or so after this event, I'm thinking that the ones inside the cylinder would have settled down and be either pressed against the ceiling of the fishbowl, or if they are right near the central axis (the hub), possibly they would just be floating there since the spinning motion of the ship wouldn't have any effect on them.



Something akin to a forcefield on the nose of the ship that protects the craft and anything in the open space interior to the cylinder.



Thought was more for what would happen to the planet on the far side (an outside observer) when Adam (in his space suit) would hit at relativistic speeds.



This is exactly where I want to go with this. I do want Adam's personality to shine through it though. He is the hero after all, and his character arc covers how he overcomes these.

What you see on the portholes are dirt and reflections. Take avery close look at them while the Earth appears to spin below. The ISS is actually moving and any stars in the window would also move as the ISS changed its orientation relative to those stars (the ISS orientation remains fixed relative to the barycenter of the Earth). If those were stars you would see them precessing along the glass.

Yes, I think that your idea of showing the depths of despair and loneliness and Adam's rise above it is a perfect theme. I like to see the human spirit explored when it is put against what seems to be impossible odds, yet finds a way to overcome them. It's a wonderful journey and human spirit.

 

[Michael M]

I am presuming this is the opening to the novel. If so, I agree with Brian Turner that the first sentence does not attract attention. “After spending most of the past week pumping water off the glass floor of the greenhouse band Adam took the opportunity to fill a cart with some fresh fruit and vegetables.” This lacks the proverbial ‘hook’ for the reader. I like Brian Turner’s suggestion, but you might want to begin with Adam deciding not to kill himself that day. I feel you need something to raise interest in this mundane activity, and I still feel there is too much introspection in this extract.

The overall idea of the plot is very interesting, but there needs to be more action and forward movement to attract the reader.

 

[ralphkern]

Okay, so the visibility of things when traveling near the speed of light is making my head hurt a bit, but I'm willing to play with it a little bit. I watched the simulation somebody linked earlier, and would like to know how the view of things would change if looking at objects hundreds of light years away vice along a road in New Mexico within a couple feet or miles of the point of view. As for the stars moving (if visible, which I'm not willing to budge on for the sake of the story), they aren't - the ship is turning to create artificial gravity. On the subject of seeing stars through a window with the lights on, I think you're off target on that one. Think about every picture ever taken from inside the International Space Station. It's our thick atmosphere that blocks our view (most of the time) during the day.

Next post will be the revised version, see if it addresses some of the issues.

A thought on the above. The stars wouldn't just be invisible due to internal lights... they'd be distorted totally out of view to the sides. The stars would appear to gather into a piercing blue point ahead (blue shifted) and a red point behind (red shifted) - although the one ahead would certainly blind you to look at and I'm unclear on whether that red or blue would be on the visual spectrum. To the sides would be inky blackness.

Books shouldn't be written by committee, but an idea might be that the glass is 'smart glass' which is designed to compensate for this and show the stars projected to where they would be for the ship? There can be a number of reasons for that, psychological being just one. It would also provide another potential source of depression for your MC. Perhaps that smart glass is failing in sections and leaving just empty blackness. A visual representation, if you will, of his mood?