Ambitious or Rubbish; 262 word excerpt.

[Mad Alice]

Just putting up a teeny bit I have been mulling over and getting bogged down on.
My concerns will follow the excerpt.


They

He found her in the city far beyond the fields they both once called home. He saw the city in her face now, the concrete towers in the stiffness of her face. The grey glass everywhere reflecting back at him its cold lifelessness, mirrored in her now unfeeling eyes. No more were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them. No longer was there that sweet blush coming and going in her cheeks, like the pink light of dawn back home, newly winning out over the day. Everything about her was hard edges and dark. And he stayed anyways. Whether to mourn the death of that part of her he dreamed to make his bride, or to learn anew this stranger to his life she had become, he stayed.

And like the slow steps he would take across the field to the wild ponies, he tamed to his hand and no other, he tamed the city from her with slow gentle words, reminding her of gentlenesses she had forgotten or lost herself from in surviving in this place.

No, he didn't stay because he had found the woman he sought, but because he had lost her, and this sad ghost was the only memory of her left, though she herself had long forgotten that which she once was. So he stayed to watch over her through this long darkness she had descended into. And protect her from the things that would choose to harm her, even if everyone of them were from herself alone.

****************


My questions are;
1. Would this read better from a female point of view speaking of a male?
2. Too obtuse?
But any and all comments are deeply appreciated.

 

[Droflet]

Hmm, Alice, ambitious alright. I see where you're coming from but I think this is a little over the top. It's a brave attempt, so kudos. Okay, here's my twenty cents work. Red = recommend you delete. Red = recommend you add. Usual caveat. This is my opinion so take what works and feel free to ditch the rest. This has a good feel to it and could be something special if you show a modicum of restrain. IMO. Best of luck with it.

He found her in the city far beyond the fields they both once called home. He saw the city in her face now, the concrete towers in the stiffness of her face. The lifeless grey glass everywhere reflecting back at him its cold lifelessness, mirrored in her now unfeeling indifferent eyes. No more were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them. No longer was there that sweet blush coming and going in her cheeks, like the pink light of dawn back home, newly winning out over the day. Like the city that had corrupted her, she Everything about her was hard edges and dark. And he stayed anyways. Whether to mourn the death of that part of her he dreamed to make his bride, or to learn anew this stranger to his life she had become, he stayed.

And like the slow steps he would take across the field to the wild ponies, he tamed to his hand and no other, he tamed the city from her with slow gentle words, reminding her of gentlenesses she had forgotten or the sweet, generous person she once was. lost herself from in surviving in this place.

No, he He didn't stay because he had found the woman he sought, but because he had lost her. , and this This sad ghost was the only memory of her left, though she herself had long forgotten that which she once was. So he stayed to watch over her through this long darkness she had descended into. And protect her from the things that would choose to harm her, even if everyone of them were from herself alone. Keep an eye open for run on sentences.

 

[Mad Alice]

Thankyou droflet! I really appreciate the insight!
Yes I see how the changes you suggest can tighten it up a treat!

 

[REBerg]

This is beautifully written and evokes in me something I think all writers wish to awaken in their readers, a desire for more.

I want to know what brought these two to this moment in their lives. I want to watch the development of the relationship that powers his fierce loyalty. I want to see where his commitment will take them.

I spent more than 20 years as a newspaper reporter and editor turning more into less. Tightening copy delivers maximum information in minimal space, but it does nothing for the quality of the experience.

 

[Dan Jones]

Hi Alice! I enjoyed this.

This has your hallmarks of being quite intense, and very strongly immersed in theme, with some lovely lyrical flourishes here and there. However, in using such a lot of metaphor you're occasionally guilty of muddling the metaphors up to create some quite odd imagery. Also, while it's very rich, it's also quite distant. The detail is all mechanical, rather than emotional. However, being familiar with some of your previous work I wonder if this isn't at least partly the intention. Which hopefully isn't too ham-fisted a segue into your questions.

1) It's difficult to answer the male / female question without further context. As above, if your MC is what I think he is, maybe it doesn't matter? The problem with using this extract to ask these questions is that we have no idea of what the POV's hopes or motivations are. There's some lovely comparative work here, but out of context it's too difficult to know what bearing this (important) difference between who "she" was, and who / what she has become. So I don't think this question is answerable. Sorry

2) Too obtuse? Obtuse seems a rather harsh word. Like I said, you're probably guilty of muddling your metaphors a tad IMO. Have a look below; my comments in bold.

~

He found her in the city far beyond the fields they both once called home. He saw the city in her face now (this is fine, and tells me something about character), the concrete towers in the stiffness of her face (repetition of "face". Also, this is a weird visual image that doesn't make sense to me.) The grey glass everywhere reflecting back at him its cold lifelessness, mirrored in her now unfeeling eyes (again, could be non-context, but the images are odd; grey glass "everywhere"? With a bit of reworking and reordering this could work, like: "her now unfeeling eyes mirrored the grey glass of the city" or something. Right now there's something in the syntax that makes it awkward). No more were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them (lovely). No longer was there that sweet blush coming and going in her cheeks, like the pink light of dawn back home, newly winning out over the day (beautiful, but I'd lose the last 5 words). Everything about her was hard edges and dark. And he stayed anyways (don't know if this is personal taste or not, but I think I'd prefer "anyway" not "anyways." It seems too informal against the rest of the prose.). Whether to mourn the death of that part of her he dreamed to make his bride, or to learn anew this stranger to his life she had become, he stayed.

And (lose the "and") like the slow steps he would take across the field to the wild ponies, he tamed to his hand and no other, he tamed the city from her with slow gentle words, reminding her of gentlenesses she had forgotten or lost herself from in surviving in this place. (ok, this sentence is too long and rambling, and kinda loses its meaning. I'd break it up, think about what you're trying to convey, and start again. Looking at it a second time, I think "he tamed to his hand and no other" is where your problems are).

No, he didn't stay because he had found the woman he sought, but because he had lost her, and this sad ghost was the only memory of her left, though she herself had long forgotten that which (perhaps change to "what") she once was. So he stayed to watch over her through this long darkness ("into which"; try not to end on preposition) she had descended into. And protect her from the things that would choose to harm her, even if everyone ("every one") of them were from herself alone.

~

Ok, there you go. Thinking about it, is this a flashback scene? It's all very neutral, as if the emotion's been sucked out of it by time or distance. It doesn't feel like the here and now. He stays with her; and I get that he does so because at some level he cares for her, but there's a definite "arm's length" distance that stops us getting into his head at this point to feel what he feels. To my eye it looks deliberate, but I've been wrong before! Like I already said, it's hard for us to know, as critters, without context.

But you can write beautifully!

 

[prizzley]

I love it!

This is beautifully written and evokes in me something I think all writers wish to awaken in their readers, a desire for more.

I want to know what brought these two to this moment in their lives. I want to watch the development of the relationship that powers his fierce loyalty. I want to see where his commitment will take them.

Exactly!

You could tighten it a little. Deleting 'and' at the start of sentences would help IMO.
Q1 Stick with his POV.
Q2 Definitely not.

 

[SciFrac]

While I do admire his loyalty to her and can appreciate your lyrical style, I felt distant from the scene. You give very few details about who, when, why, how. All we really know is that a man finds a dead woman he loved, and perhaps she committed suicide. Since you don't reveal a name either, its harder to connect with the person, time, or place. Is this present day? The future? Had he been looking for her? I get the sense her death was somewhat expected? And I agree the city reflected in her face creates an odd image. Like, literally reflecting off her dead skin, or you mean the "ideals and philosophy" of the people? I think adding some more concrete details would help ground this scene.

 

[tinkerdan]

I think that this is good.

It needs to be tightened and possibly, as mentioned, brought closer the POV somehow.

For instance the first paragraph could be reworded and fit in a bit of closeness to the character to bring the reader closer to his experience.
I really don't know exactly where you are going with the piece but as an example I threw together a bit using mostly your words for an example of what I mean.

::
He found her in the city far beyond the fields they once called home. The city etched itself like concrete towers in the stiffness of her face and cold lifeless grey mirrored glass-like in her unfeeling eyes that cut through his heart. Her sweet lips, once soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them, were no more. The sweet blush of her cheeks flaring like the pink light of dawn newly winning out over the day was gone forever and overwrought with hard edges of darkness that filled him with chilling sadness. Yet he stayed. Whether to mourn the death of his bride to be; or to try to fathom the stranger she'd become, he stayed.
::

You having a better idea what your character might be feeling should be able to show us something better than what I've thrown in here.

 

[Rhein13]

Many here are correct. Tightening up some of those run-on sentences and giving it a better PoV would make this a very good read. As for male or female, that is going to depend on your targeted audience, though I do feel a "fallen" female character here will apply more widely.

Men are supposed to be a little rougher. Woman are seen more as the princess that needs saving, whether that is right or wrong, who knows, but dor this I think it works much better the way you have it.

 

[Juliana]

While I really like it, I agree with previous comments about tightening. Also, I think it works best as it is in terms of m/f roles. If it was a woman talking, it would fall too much into the cliché of 'but I can change him!'.

 

[Mad Alice]

This is beautifully written and evokes in me something I think all writers wish to awaken in their readers, a desire for more.

I want to know what brought these two to this moment in their lives. I want to watch the development of the relationship that powers his fierce loyalty. I want to see where his commitment will take them.

I spent more than 20 years as a newspaper reporter and editor turning more into less. Tightening copy delivers maximum information in minimal space, but it does nothing for the quality of the experience.

Seen and heard Reburg!
Thank you for the lovely comments!
Really chuffed.
This represents the human face of a rebel force.
You see they are indeed fighting for their world and their society, but the true casualties are their spirits. Their very identities are challenged and changed. The concepts of he and she have been outlawed. He is reliving this through a flashback while he is being tortured.
The baddies are very very bad, i'm afraid to say.

Hi Alice! I enjoyed this.

This has your hallmarks of being quite intense, and very strongly immersed in theme, with some lovely lyrical flourishes here and there. However, in using such a lot of metaphor you're occasionally guilty of muddling the metaphors up to create some quite odd imagery. Also, while it's very rich, it's also quite distant. The detail is all mechanical, rather than emotional. However, being familiar with some of your previous work I wonder if this isn't at least partly the intention. Which hopefully isn't too ham-fisted a segue into your questions.

1) It's difficult to answer the male / female question without further context. As above, if your MC is what I think he is, maybe it doesn't matter? The problem with using this extract to ask these questions is that we have no idea of what the POV's hopes or motivations are. There's some lovely comparative work here, but out of context it's too difficult to know what bearing this (important) difference between who "she" was, and who / what she has become. So I don't think this question is answerable. Sorry

2) Too obtuse? Obtuse seems a rather harsh word. Like I said, you're probably guilty of muddling your metaphors a tad IMO. Have a look below; my comments in bold.

~

He found her in the city far beyond the fields they both once called home. He saw the city in her face now (this is fine, and tells me something about character), the concrete towers in the stiffness of her face (repetition of "face". Also, this is a weird visual image that doesn't make sense to me.) The grey glass everywhere reflecting back at him its cold lifelessness, mirrored in her now unfeeling eyes (again, could be non-context, but the images are odd; grey glass "everywhere"? With a bit of reworking and reordering this could work, like: "her now unfeeling eyes mirrored the grey glass of the city" or something. Right now there's something in the syntax that makes it awkward). No more were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them (lovely). No longer was there that sweet blush coming and going in her cheeks, like the pink light of dawn back home, newly winning out over the day (beautiful, but I'd lose the last 5 words). Everything about her was hard edges and dark. And he stayed anyways (don't know if this is personal taste or not, but I think I'd prefer "anyway" not "anyways." It seems too informal against the rest of the prose.). Whether to mourn the death of that part of her he dreamed to make his bride, or to learn anew this stranger to his life she had become, he stayed.

And (lose the "and") like the slow steps he would take across the field to the wild ponies, he tamed to his hand and no other, he tamed the city from her with slow gentle words, reminding her of gentlenesses she had forgotten or lost herself from in surviving in this place. (ok, this sentence is too long and rambling, and kinda loses its meaning. I'd break it up, think about what you're trying to convey, and start again. Looking at it a second time, I think "he tamed to his hand and no other" is where your problems are).

No, he didn't stay because he had found the woman he sought, but because he had lost her, and this sad ghost was the only memory of her left, though she herself had long forgotten that which (perhaps change to "what") she once was. So he stayed to watch over her through this long darkness ("into which"; try not to end on preposition) she had descended into. And protect her from the things that would choose to harm her, even if everyone ("every one") of them were from herself alone.

~

Ok, there you go. Thinking about it, is this a flashback scene? It's all very neutral, as if the emotion's been sucked out of it by time or distance. It doesn't feel like the here and now. He stays with her; and I get that he does so because at some level he cares for her, but there's a definite "arm's length" distance that stops us getting into his head at this point to feel what he feels. To my eye it looks deliberate, but I've been wrong before! Like I already said, it's hard for us to know, as critters, without context.

But you can write beautifully!

Thank you DG! Yes its close to "East of Edo" in terms of the Male place in the society, but I assure you this one is human!
He is doing a flashback, as he has been imprisoned for what is essentially a crime of gender upon his planet. This was imposed upon the conquered peoples by the winning occupational forces. She actually rescues him from his pursuer's from the occupational forces and is injured as a result of their turning upon her their cruelty.
She had sought him from when the war separated them from their small idyllic village.. He joins the rebellion rebellion after he believes she as been captured and executed. But she was released..then made her own way into the rebellion thinking him also captured and dead.
They refind each other and she believes they are too much departed from their roots to begin again, though she hopes. Then at this meeting, he is tagged, and comes under fire. She leaves to draw them off. But he doesn't escape entirely.
It ends with the city burning, him free from the goulag, and her as the leader of the rebellion, the mysterious autumns child, revealing herself.. So she ends by deciding maybe he is worth giving another go after all.. .

While I do admire his loyalty to her and can appreciate your lyrical style, I felt distant from the scene. You give very few details about who, when, why, how. All we really know is that a man finds a dead woman he loved, and perhaps she committed suicide. Since you don't reveal a name either, its harder to connect with the person, time, or place. Is this present day? The future? Had he been looking for her? I get the sense her death was somewhat expected? And I agree the city reflected in her face creates an odd image. Like, literally reflecting off her dead skin, or you mean the "ideals and philosophy" of the people? I think adding some more concrete details would help ground this scene.

Now that is something I will have to work on for clarity. Thank you very much SciFrac! Much needed information there.
The death is one of her spirit or soul. It has become corrupted. That is how I intended it to read, but now I see I have an opportunity to change a later bit, because yes the character is expendable after this. I had not thought of her reflecting the social philosophies within her face. I think I would have to throw in a few references to a totalitarian oligarchy should I perdue that, but its doable.
I was more referring to the shell of indifferent hardness that most resembles a carapice of cruelty and ruthlessness that seems to take over some individuals after they have been through hard, even desperate circumstances.
You see there was a war, and he went wpaway to become a soldier, which made him softer, while she stayed home.. Which was no longer a home. And in fact what happened there was worse then the war. Everything they knew was destroyed. And she was too, from it, until she was no longer the same person.

I think that this is good.

It needs to be tightened and possibly, as mentioned, brought closer the POV somehow.

For instance the first paragraph could be reworded and fit in a bit of closeness to the character to bring the reader closer to his experience.
I really don't know exactly where you are going with the piece but as an example I threw together a bit using mostly your words for an example of what I mean.

::
He found her in the city far beyond the fields they once called home. The city etched itself like concrete towers in the stiffness of her face and cold lifeless grey mirrored glass-like in her unfeeling eyes that cut through his heart. Her sweet lips, once soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them, were no more. The sweet blush of her cheeks flaring like the pink light of dawn newly winning out over the day was gone forever and overwrought with hard edges of darkness that filled him with chilling sadness. Yet he stayed. Whether to mourn the death of his bride to be; or to try to fathom the stranger she'd become, he stayed.
::

You having a better idea what your character might be feeling should be able to show us something better than what I've thrown in here.

Oh that is absolutely lovely, the way you put it, tinkerdan! So simple now I see what you have done! I have been trying to instill a bit more emotion, but ending up writing it in first person. Very annoying to read. Ended in omniscient because that's as close as I could kick it to the good enough bin.
Its basically the fall from paradise if Adam and Eve were separated and Eve went with the serpent.
The sticky bit is in his society as it is what he feels for her is frowned upon.

Many here are correct. Tightening up some of those run-on sentences and giving it a better PoV would make this a very good read. As for male or female, that is going to depend on your targeted audience, though I do feel a "fallen" female character here will apply more widely.

Men are supposed to be a little rougher. Woman are seen more as the princess that needs saving, whether that is right or wrong, who knows, but dor this I think it works much better the way you have it.

Thank you, Rhein, and Welcome to Chrons! Very very lovely of you to make my little writing bits and pieces stuck together one of the first postings you make! I am truly honoured.
This is quite a hard bit for me to wrap my head around because it is actually about two gender fluid individuals. So she has a lot of masculine characteristics and he has a lot of feminine. This is a reflection of the customs and mores of the post apocalyptical dystopian society they are members of.

While I really like it, I agree with previous comments about tightening. Also, I think it works best as it is in terms of m/f roles. If it was a woman talking, it would fall too much into the cliché of 'but I can change him!'.

Thank you Juliana! That was exactly what I was worrying over.

 

[Twistedlemon]

Best I have seen yet.

 

[Mad Alice]

Best I have seen yet.

Thank you lemon! Very high praise. Still needs work, but its getting there. And yes I know I owe you several revisements of previous betaings you have done for me. You are quite correct this is the most polished shiney piece I have put up lately. I don't know if Nanowrimo broke something or fixed something but I am writing a bit lusher from it.

 

[Twistedlemon]

Writing is a muscle

 

[Brian G Turner]

At times it perhaps veered a little too much towards purple prose, rather than the poetic. But I did very much like what you were trying to do with this.

Aside from a little word repetition, already mentioned above, there is an abstract quality to the description of the face that might work better if you provided something more physical and tangible. For example, you mentioned about "stiffness of the the face" and the city "reflecting" in her eyes, but I wondered if there might be a way to make more direct associations that simply a stiffness and reflections?

Either way, I like the way you are trying to work with words here, though it could be a challenge to keep that up through a whople manuscript.

 

[Mad Alice]

At times it perhaps veered a little too much towards purple prose, rather than the poetic. But I did very much like what you were trying to do with this.

Aside from a little word repetition, already mentioned above, there is an abstract quality to the description of the face that might work better if you provided something more physical and tangible. For example, you mentioned about "stiffness of the the face" and the city "reflecting" in her eyes, but I wondered if there might be a way to make more direct associations that simply a stiffness and reflections?

Either way, I like the way you are trying to work with words here, though it could be a challenge to keep that up through a whople manuscript.

Thank you Brian! As always your observations are spot on the mark.
Was worried it was tinged a bit lavender. So I will work on that.
Have been mulling another way to indicate that the city itself is bad and corrupting. Even the change from them as young adults in the bucolic paradise of their youth to the chance meeting five years on in the city seems a bit repetitively forcing the issue as you have indicated. I thinking am going to have to introduce a couple of signposts, as change indicators then.
I dont know how far I could keep up this kind of thing either. Would be an interesting challenge.
Aldous Huxley's "A Brave New World" has quite a bit of it. Sort of a throwback to early twentieth century lyric prose as an ode, I guess. But that whole lot was a bit longwinded at times. Would need a gentle touch.

 

[Michael M]

I enjoyed the style and the pace of the writing. Your reply to the first batch of comments answered a few of my questions. The lyrical style is engaging, drawing me to wish to know more (and read more). My only caution would be that you need to ensure that the reader is given a clearer idea of the relationship between the two characters either earlier or fairly soon after his extract in the novel.

I do not believe that the gender of the character makes the writing either stronger or weaker.

 

[Mad Alice]

I enjoyed the style and the pace of the writing. Your reply to the first batch of comments answered a few of my questions. The lyrical style is engaging, drawing me to wish to know more (and read more). My only caution would be that you need to ensure that the reader is given a clearer idea of the relationship between the two characters either earlier or fairly soon after his extract in the novel.

I do not believe that the gender of the character makes the writing either stronger or weaker.

Thankyou Michael M!.. Lovely to have your opinion!
So I need to keep redefining their relationshp with each milestone event then?
That is an interesting idea. Perhaps I could do something of the sort with a segue away at each juncture? Going close in to describe the situation from one or the others perspective. Having us experience their moment. Because such different things happen to them I could do alternative views from each perspective. Definitely something to think on.
Thank you again, Michael!

 

[RJM Corbet]

Lovely. Please be careful not to tighten it too much? As REBerg says: it's not a newspaper story competing for column space. You might lose the texture by overworking it. Perhaps you could lose an adjective or two though? This bit may be a bit flowery:

No more were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them.

Besides seriously giving a picture of green lips? Are they green?

Excellent.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I liked this although lack of names drives me nuts in any piece. The city reflected in her face is a wonderful description. It reminded me a little of Sunset Song and as such I'd consider trying to reduce the fullstops in the text. Also where you have the two sentences beginning with no - consider adding a third purely because it improves the flow and makes it clear this is deliberate alliteration. If you're any good with poetry I can't help but wonder if making the rhythm similar to a sonnet would be particularly effective.