Ambitious or Rubbish; 262 word excerpt.

[RJM Corbet]

I liked this although lack of names drives me nuts in any piece...

Anna I have read a John Grisham book where he spends until well into the second chapter before he gives the character a name.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Anna I have read a John Grisham book where he spends until well into the second chapter before he gives the character a name.

I don't care who wrote it - it drives me nuts not having a character's name.

It's a personal thing but the narrating character knows the character well and it's strange not to have a name. Not to mention annoying. Even with a favourite author I'd struggle and consider putting the book down.

 

[RJM Corbet]

I don't care who wrote it - it drives me nuts not having a character's name.

It's a personal thing but the narrating character knows the character well and it's strange not to have a name. Not to mention annoying. Even with a favourite author I'd struggle and consider putting the book down.

Just the opposite, in fact. He spends the first part of the book making the character so real, that there's no need to identify him by his name. Grisham accomplishes this difficult feat while also writing in the third person: he not I. Millions of readers find it works for them.

Sorry for writing Anna, when of course it's Anya.

 

[aThenian]

This is my first attempt at commenting on somebody's work on here.

I liked this a lot. This is my attempt at editing if it were mine:

He found her in the city far beyond the fields they had both once called home. He saw the city in her face now: the concrete towers in her stiffness, the grey glass and its cold lifelessness mirrored in her unfeeling eyes. No longer were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them. No longer was there that sweet blush coming and going in her cheeks, like the pink light of dawn, newly winning out over the day. Everything was hard edged and dark. Yet he stayed anyways. Whether to mourn the death of that part of her he had dreamed to make his bride, or to learn anew this stranger she had become, he stayed.



And like the slow steps he would take across the field to the wild ponies, tamed to his hand and no other, so he tamed the city from her with slow gentle words, reminding her of kindnesses she had forgotten or lost while surviving in this place.



No, he didn't stay because he had found the woman he sought, but because he had lost her, and this sad ghost was all that was left, though she herself had long forgotten what she once was. So he stayed to watch over her through this long darkness, and to protect her from the things that would harm her, even if they lay only in herself.

----
I think the ponies comparison doesn't quite work though - really you are comparing the taming of both creatures rather than comparing the taming of one to steps towards the other?

I like it being from his POV - creates a lot of mystery around her and what has happened to her.

I agree with others who say don't make it too concise. It's creating an atmosphere, and a sense of mystery that makes the reader wants to read on (works for me, anyhow). I would say that using poetic language like this is about quantity and contrast - too much of this would be heavy going, but passages like this are very powerful in between more dramatic scenes.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Just the opposite, in fact. He spends the first part of the book making the character so real, that there's no need to identify him by his name. Grisham accomplishes this difficult feat while also writing in the third person: he not I. Millions of readers find it works for them.

Sorry for writing Anna, when of course it's Anya.

It is a personal thing but I wouldn't bother finding out. Lack of name interferes with my relationship with the character. If it's omniscient then I'd just feel cheated.

 

[Martin Robert]

Looks like a lot of good feedback already. The style was interesting, but the double use of "face" at the beginning rankled a bit.

 

[Mad Alice]

It is a personal thing but I wouldn't bother finding out. Lack of name interferes with my relationship with the character. If it's omniscient then I'd just feel cheated.

Okay anya. The reader already knows this character by now. His name and everything. This whole scene is a flashback when he is being torchured by the alien praetorian guard for information about the rebels secret weapon. This is the segue from who we know the character as. Quite frankly a bit of a weebo. To something more. The layers under the layers. How to hide a hero in plain sight.
Been grinding on this quite a bit because of your lovely feedback, all of you. Even wrote some poetry for my poor little weebo main. A song as well, to link together the strung out bits. I thought it could act as that signpost, one of you lovelies mentioned I might need. It serves to telegraph that a bit of the "big secret" is further to be revealed.
I am down to the bit now where I have to decide if this character dies. Have quite a bit of sad thinking to do on that one.

Just the opposite, in fact. He spends the first part of the book making the character so real, that there's no need to identify him by his name. Grisham accomplishes this difficult feat while also writing in the third person: he not I. Millions of readers find it works for them.

Sorry for writing Anna, when of course it's Anya.

But that is a very interesting idea RJM Corbett. I could easily strip identity from my protagonist. Fight club style. He is in a prison. He is identified there with a number. It would further make his character malable. Oh, very very clever! My, you are only getting better at this, aren't you? And your amazing animated short was already heartstoppingly spectacular. Very very good advice. Thank you.

This is my first attempt at commenting on somebody's work on here.

I liked this a lot. This is my attempt at editing if it were mine:

He found her in the city far beyond the fields they had both once called home. He saw the city in her face now: the concrete towers in her stiffness, the grey glass and its cold lifelessness mirrored in her unfeeling eyes. No longer were her lips soft as the green fields of home with the kiss of dew upon them. No longer was there that sweet blush coming and going in her cheeks, like the pink light of dawn, newly winning out over the day. Everything was hard edged and dark. Yet he stayed anyways. Whether to mourn the death of that part of her he had dreamed to make his bride, or to learn anew this stranger she had become, he stayed.



And like the slow steps he would take across the field to the wild ponies, tamed to his hand and no other, so he tamed the city from her with slow gentle words, reminding her of kindnesses she had forgotten or lost while surviving in this place.



No, he didn't stay because he had found the woman he sought, but because he had lost her, and this sad ghost was all that was left, though she herself had long forgotten what she once was. So he stayed to watch over her through this long darkness, and to protect her from the things that would harm her, even if they lay only in herself.

----
I think the ponies comparison doesn't quite work though - really you are comparing the taming of both creatures rather than comparing the taming of one to steps towards the other?

I like it being from his POV - creates a lot of mystery around her and what has happened to her.

I agree with others who say don't make it too concise. It's creating an atmosphere, and a sense of mystery that makes the reader wants to read on (works for me, anyhow). I would say that using poetic language like this is about quantity and contrast - too much of this would be heavy going, but passages like this are very powerful in between more dramatic scenes.

Thank you Athenian! Yes that was what I was working towards. He was a sort of magnet for wild creatures because of his gentle nature. So he would see her now as another wounded wild thing in pain lashing out.
Hmmm.. I think I might have to amp that a bit .. You are right there. Make the message clearer.
For a new try at criting, Athenian, you are wowsers at it!

Looks like a lot of good feedback already. The style was interesting, but the double use of "face" at the beginning rankled a bit.

Oh always room for more! Everyone's comments and suggestions have really amped up my manuscript!.
Lovely to meet you, Martin Robert, welcome to chrons!
So I pulled a double face?
Oh my! I did do that didn't I? Thankyou! Completely missed it at this point. Wades back in to clean the spot off the rug.