strange feedback - advice needed.

[pambaddeley]

Strange! Sorry, cross posted Mad Alice, wasn't referring to your comment.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Just a thought. Could you use the technology they have as a medium of adding detail?
Maybe public view screens? Data feeds on monitors here and there. Film bits?
That way you get a second voice without needing to change your POV.

Ooh now that has me thinking. Like Times Square. He can stop and stare at a screen and make the comment about women (he's got issues with nakedness) and I can have him read the screens outside the cinema with the films. He has to decide between a cheap showing or his bus fare and that will bring in time and his GPS chip - ooh ok now I have a new second chapter where he goes into the cinema. There can be adverts and a movie then his time is up and the Soaring Warriors take him home. That should answer their issues. And actually more time with the girl at the end of the chapter might not be a bad thing.

You know you should be Genius Alice.

 

[Mad Alice]

Actually I was thinking about hunger games and how she wrapped the competition details in with the announcements of the games, so I think that might actually being your daughters genius, anya. She sounds brilliant tbh.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

Actually I was thinking about hunger games and how she wrapped the competition details in with the announcements of the games, so I think that might actually being your daughters genius, anya. She sounds brilliant tbh.

I'm biased and ridiculously proud of my twelve-year old big footed giant.

Plus his PC POCKET can do more than play a game...

 

[Idealect]

I didn't realise it was the first chapter. Looks like you're starting things in media res. At a fast pace.

So immediate worldbuilding would seem to naturally be a low priority. (!)



Though, if they're the character's idle thoughts then they might fit in fine with a "stream-of-experience" kind of flow without much problem.

 

[psychotick]

Hi,

My guess, and it is only that, is what they mean is not that what you've given them is insufficient for them to visualise the world, but that they like it and want more. Can't think of the book at the moment, but there was one set in Ancient Greece which I enjoyed particularly for the side pieces. Every so often the author would go into small stories not related to the plot, such as a temple where an ancient prohecy was given which was of course misinterpreted with disasterous results. I mean the book was good but they just added colour.

Cheers, Greg.

 

[AnyaKimlin]

I'm going to try using the media and films to bring it in. Later on I've got a character that brings a lot in.