This is the updated version. I've tried everyone's comments on board and hope its an improvement. I was planning on updating the first post, and the title, but its not letting me unfortunately.
After a period of time the edit function is removed so you can't change. It's actually better that way because if you changed everything people mentioned then theirpost wouldn't make much sense sometimes.
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Phillip Pace adjusted the controls::Just a thought here; is there a way to show him adjusting the controls:: in front of him, taking the UNM Maiden into the mouth of the Wormhole, his body trembling with excitement and for the first time in the journey there was a hint of fear. He doubled checked the calibrations. He wasn't sure what was about to happen, but if anything did go wrong, he damn well wouldn't be responsible.
"The eyes of humanity are upon them." ::Makes a nice metaphor; we'll address the eyes again later.::Came a voice over the speakers. It was the launch speech from the day they set off on their journey from non other than the United Nations of Mankind Secretary-General himself. "Today is the cumulation of many decades of research and development. It was over one hundred years ago that man first set foot on the moon and the world rejoiced. On that day, man had taken its first step into space, and today we take a leap.
Today we launch the Spacecraft UNM Maiden on a voyage to the new world. This is the..."
"Can you shut that off?"::He's the captain and in this case would he really ask over making it sound like an order?::Also: who did he address? Naming someone in charge of communications could be an opportunity later.:: Instructed the Captain. "You all know why were here. On the other side of that Wormhole is a planet as green as Earth and we're going to be first to set foot on it. Foster," he addressed the navigator, "time until entry? Make sure we don't overshoot."
George Foster checked the starchart. "3 Minutes sir."
"Pace, prepare to take us in."
Pace made the adjustments, but couldn't help worrying. "But sir, what about the probes we sent through? They all went dark after a few hours. What if there's something else there? There must be a reason."
This is just me: but I can't picture the captain letting him say this. I'd picture it more like::"But sir, what about the probes..." Pace made the adjustments, but allowed worry to etch across his face as he lifted his head turning to the captain whose gaze burned through him just before diverting to the pressure hatches. "Ah, well I'll just save that discussion until we're on the otherside."
Captain Arthur Ramsey paused for a second. "I believe the current theory is that the radio signal struggles to pass through the Wormhole because of how it morphs space and time."
"That theory's now been debunked." The engineer Isaak Kunetsov spoke up. " Physicist John Sapler now claims there could be..."
Ramsey cut him off "Let's have this discussion on the other side".
Sure, the first planet with clear signs of life was a prize worth chasing, but Pace wished more time had been devoted to understanding the Wormhole before he was to travel through it. When he'd raised this with Ramsey, he'd been told::This begins to sound a bit passive to me and I think the sentences in the paragraph could use some work.:: that with the environment of Earth becoming increasingly unstable, the United Nations of Mankind were desperate for this mission to be a success and that it couldn't wait any longer. Pace was unconvinced. He glanced round the cabin and his eyes This ones not all that bad but you might try having the eyes do fewer of those things the glance, gaze, or even stare, are meant to do. met those of George Foster who nodded as he chewed his lip. The rest of the crew looked similarly nervous.
Finally the signal came and Pace engaged the thrusters taking the UNH Maiden into the mouth of the Wormhole as he wiped a bead of sweat from his brow. He double checked the angle and adjusted to account for the drift. He looked out through the view port into the Wormhole itself, a rich red mist, spinning and spinning. It drew his attention in and in.
As they entered the hole, the colours in the mist began to form rings around them and appeared to spin less and less. They were now surrounded on all sides as they passed into the tunnel which was growing darker and darker by the second.
Pace noticed a pressure building up in his ears and an ache spreading across head. He couldn't tear his eyes This is the eyes again part and gaze or something else might work better. from the view port and noticed the tunnel seemed both impossibly big and far too small at the same time.::There are two instances of the word notice stacked too near to each other in these two sentences and that begins to highlight how much it appears like a filter word. If you just had those occurring it would gain more than it would lose by getting rid of the Notice.:: The peaceful red mist was long gone, replaced with black and blue and flashes of white lightning that streaked past them. It was as if the whole sky was compressed into one layer which they were smashing through. It was both beautiful and difficult to comprehend. He tried to relay this thought to his crew mates but found he could not open his mouth.
With a start he realised he had not touched the controls recently, but the ship seemed to have taken on a life of its own, hurtling down the tunnel as if being swallowed. The pressure was building up and up and it was all he could do not to panic as it felt as though the weight of the universe was upon them which threatened to pulled him apart at the seems ::wrong word:: .The last sentence is a bit jumbled to me. It needs punctuation but could also use help perhaps like this...::::The pressure built up and up and it was a strain not to panic as the weight of the universe, which threatened to pulled him apart, was upon him.::
I told you not to go. Its not safe. Out of nowhere, his mother's voice popped into his head and rattled around his thoughts. What if something happens to you? There's a reason those probes haven't got back to us, you know? You better come back to me, promise you will.::This is where you miss the opportunity by not naming the person in charge of Communications; because it would make sense that he'd first wonder if someone had recorded his mother and was now playing it across the speakers. He could then look at the Com person and when they appeared to not laugh at him he might then assume it's not some prank(But this is just me again).:: His knuckles turned white from gripping the arms of his chair and he gritted his teeth as he pushed this intrusion from his mind.
In the centre of the tunnel there appeared an image of space. Similar to that from which they came, but oddly flat. It seemed they were travelling towards it, though it never got any bigger. He was feeling nauseous and had to fight down the urge to retch. But then the white flashes were fading and the red rings were returning. The pressure was subsiding and the image of space began to grow. Around it the familiar red mist was spinning. It was strangely calming and he was starting to feel much better. They had almost made it. As the image grew nearer, it appeared to thicken. The mist faded and they were surrounded by the light of a billion stars once more. They had passed through to the other side.
"What the bloody hell was that?! I swear I was hearing things for a second there." Foster cried, breaking the tension. He was sat::I usually let this fly out of understanding; but this time I think it could help to remove the was and just have: He sat:: on the edge of his seat looking round at each of the faces in turn, a grin spread wide across his, which Pace couldn't help but return.
"God only knows." Came the response from Kuznetsov as he adjusted his glasses. "It got pretty weird for a second there didn't it? Hmm, I wonder. The concentration of exotic matter there must have had some unusual effects. I'd like to..."
Maria De Palma cut across him, "I think its more likely that time itself was behaving strangely than the influence of exotic matter."
"Is everyone ok?" The ship's medic, Sora Wakisa, said, shaking her head as she tried to make sense of it, as much to herself as anyone else.
