Military Sci-Fi opening critique please (1100 words)

[Appello]

Agree with @Trashcan that authorial voice is getting in the way of close POV. In a good book, 90%+ of your words should be dialogue, action or description. Yours just has too much telling. Don't 'tell' us Sam isn't a party person - show.

Best way of showing? Introduce a secondary character for Sam to bounce off with dialogue and character reaction. That way, it's not the author telling the reader how the crew sees Sam, but Sam himself. This helps the reader become much more engaged in the story, and also breaks up those long, somewhat tedious 'introductory' paragraphs that are not an ideal way to start your book. Compare:

It wasn’t because the rest of the patrol were edgy around him either. Well, maybe a little, but he couldn’t blame them and so it was only a little. No one wanted the company’s new Executive Officer staring over their shoulders. The problem was he couldn’t see how else he was meant to learn about his new deployment. Still, half the squad resented him being here and the other half were in awe of him. Another officer would have put them at ease with a good joke or something, but Sam wasn’t that officer. He wasn’t a people person either.

Versus:

"Would you quit fidgeting," Sam snapped, shooting a quick glare at his patrol partner, who had been eyeing him sideways and growing increasingly agitated the more time passed without any conversation. "I'm not going to bite your head off."

The Mariner, a nervous-looking fellow named Johnson, turned red and immediately looked away. "S-sorry," he mumbled. "I just... I ain't never done patrol with no Executive Officer before."

"Yeah, well, let's just..." Sam tried to think of something to say, but his gaze was caught by a shadowy figure moving out of a nearby alleyway. Whoever it was stopped for a moment, and looked around; as soon as he caught sight of Sam and the other Mariners, he turned sharply in the opposite direction.

"Let's just what?"

"Let's just try to do our job," Sam finished, frowning as he watched the figure hurry away.

One of the other men snorted. "He means, let's just do his job," was the surly, muttered reply. "And no thanks we'll get for it, neither."

---

So, that wasn't the greatest example of showing because it's pretty roughly written and I just hashed it out for comparison's sake, but hopefully helps to show (lol) the difference between a block of what I call 'authorial telling' and a scene where the reader can determine for themselves those details you wish to convey. It definitely tends to take longer, and use more words, because it is a more involved process, but the end result is (in my opinion) much more engaging.

Hope that helps

 

[Martin Robert]

Well written and engaging. I was a little lost at the end - Sam took one guy with him? But what's the 3 grunts? A couple more comments.

When Lance-Corporal Lightfoot had come down with a twisted ankle

You "come down" with a cold, but a twisted ankle? Maybe something like, "When Lance-Corporal Lightfoot severely twisted his ankle" or "When Lance-Corporal Lightfoot's sprained ankle put him out of service".

"Bunch of guys in a private booth don’t wanna. Boss wants them out."

Don't wanna leave? Seems like a word is missing.

 

[Adam Stubbings]

It was long past midnight, and Mariner Station’s Entertainment District was in full party mode. Sam Gibson was one of the few exceptions. Instead of sampling the delights of the district and having a good time, the burly veteran of Mars’ war with the UN was walking at the back of a patrol from Mariner Security Detail, his bright blue eyes constantly ranging over the crowd. He’d only recently started his tour as Executive Officer for Mariner’s garrison company, but he’d already learned this was when the trouble started. Something flickered in the corner of his eye, and he looked up to see a garish neon holograph proclaiming “FUN! FUN! FUN!” as though it was some kind of warning.

Sam’s broad, open face split into a grin. It never failed to amuse him how, for all of humanity’s progress in the 22nd century, for all they’d colonised the Solar System and the nearer stars, people still reached back to the most horrific things. Like neon signs. The wilfully strange and out of place had always amused him, a useful survival trait in a peacetime military officer. If you couldn’t laugh, you cried. Then the thought vanished as Corporal Rossi signalled for them to halt. That meant orders, and based on how Rossi looked even more hangdog than usual, Sam could guess what they were.

Okay so, yes this is the opening, but the info dump inside these first two paragraphs is huge, there is no gradual reveal or clever wording to provoke assumptions or guesses, there is just a pile of information dumped onto the reader without any pause for thought.

Don't cram it all in straight away, gradually peel back the layers to expose your universe.