Uncharted Blurb

[ralphkern]

Ladies and Gents,

This is the blurb to my next novel, Uncharted. A few of you have beta read this one, and already offered wonderful feedback for the blurb. Thankyou. To those who have betad, they will know this is an ensemble piece, however I have chosen just one MC for the blurb. If you can think of a better one, I'm up for that. But short of the baddie, I think Jack has the most interesting plot arc.

The M/S Atlantica, one of the most advanced cruise ships in the world…

Is lost.

Land has disappeared. Atlantica’s navigation systems have failed and even her compass shows the sun rising in the west.

As fuel, food and hope begin to dwindle, Atlantica finds herself under attack by a fleet of modern day pirates.

After months in hospital, US Marine, Sergeant Jack Cohen hoped a cruise would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East. Instead, he is once again thrust into battle to protect the ship.

On these mysterious, uncharted seas, Atlantica is hunted by ruthless enemies, but her salvation may lie with a Navy warship which is just as lost as they are. Together, they must pool their resources, and use every means available to find out what has happened to them.

Or the rest of the world.

Uncharted, a military science fiction thriller.

For anyone who enjoyed BSG, Lost or The Last Ship.

 

[HareBrain]

The M/S Atlantica, one of the most advanced cruise ships in the world…

Is lost.

I don't like the ellipsis and new paragraph for this. It feels like you're trying to make more of it than it deserves, because at this stage in the blurb a ship being lost isn't particularly world-shattering. I'd just have it on one line.

a fleet of modern day pirates

Could you not get across they're modern-day pirates without using the phrase? The trouble is, it's obvious you're telling us they're modern-day to avoid us thinking they're Blackbeard & Co., but that feels clumsy, and also, by trying to avoid it you've immediately got me thinking about Blackbeard & Co. attacking a cruise ship, which is a great image but a distraction.

After months in hospital, US Marine, Sergeant Jack Cohen hoped a cruise would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East. Instead,

I know it's an ensemble piece and the ship is more important overall, but I'd prefer this as the opening paragraph. Or I would try to keep the "ship as protagonist" throughout, since you've almost built it up as one.

Lost or The Last Ship

In my mind I merged these into "The Lost Ship", which, given the prominence you give to the word "Lost" above, risks making your story feel uneasily close to previous ones. But that might just be me.

 

[Nick B]

After months in hospital, US Marine, Sergeant Jack Cohen hoped a cruise would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East.

All is well aboard he M/S Atlantica, one of the most advanced cruise ships in the world, until one morning, the land has disappeared, the navigation systems have failed and even her compass shows the sun rising in the west.

As fuel, food and hope begin to dwindle, Atlantica finds herself hunted by a ruthless enemy. On mysterious, uncharted seas, salvation may lie with a Navy warship which is just as lost as they are. Together, they must pool their resources, and use every means available to find out what has happened to them.

Or the rest of the world.




Turned this around a little, took out pirates, because even though piracy is alive and well in the modern world, the many people still see Jack Sparrow, thanks disney...
I agree with HB about starting with Jack rather than the ship. Anyway, this is just something to think on. I hate blurbs, did I mention that somewhere?

It sounds great though Ralph, and I'm already looking forward to reading it!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Thumbs up for Quellist's. The ellipsis really bothers me - it's too obvious and also passive and, I think, makes for a weak first line. The arrival of Jack halfway through pulled me out. I hadn't thought of Jack Sparrow but now he is embedded....

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

A few thoughts, playing around with your own words:

The M/S Atlantica, one of the most advanced cruise ships in the world, is lost. Land has disappeared. Atlantica’s navigation systems have failed and even her compass shows the sun rising in the west.

After months in hospital, US Marine, Sergeant Jack Cohen hoped a cruise would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East. Instead, he is once again thrust into battle to protect the ship.

On these mysterious, uncharted seas, fuel, food and hope begin to dwindle. Atlantica finds herself under attack by a fleet of pirates, and not just any pirates. The ruthless enemies hunting them are equipped with state of the art weaponry--*

Salvation for ship and passengers may lie with a Navy warship which is just as lost as they are. Together, they must pool their resources, and use every means available to find out what has happened to them.

Or the rest of the world.

Uncharted, a military science fiction thriller.

For anyone who enjoyed BSG, Lost or The Last Ship.

*Or whatever it is that makes these pirates stand out as futuristic and super-scary.


Apart from that, the only thing I can add is that I'm buying this book as soon as it's out, and I'm going hunting for your other books too. This sounds like a seriously good read!

 

[Nick B]

Apart from that, the only thing I can add is that I'm buying this book as soon as it's out, and I'm going hunting for your other books too. This sounds like a seriously good read!

Do it Kerry, I totally reccomend Endeavour and Erebus (I favour Erebus, as that is more my kind of story).

 

[Droflet]

Yep, what Quellist said.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Good call, Quellist. Only niggle with your version is the end:

Or the rest of the world.

Change to "And the rest of the world".

 

[ralphkern]

Folks, thank you for the feedback.

The M/S Atlantica, one of the most advanced cruise ships in the world, is lost.

Land has disappeared. Fuel, food and hope begin to dwindle.

After months recuperating in hospital, US Marine, Jack Cohen hoped a Caribbean cruise would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East. Instead, when Atlantica is attacked, he is once again thrust into battle to protect the ship against the ruthless enemy hunting her and the insidious threat already aboard.

On these mysterious and uncharted seas, where even the compass shows the sun rising to the west, Atlantica's salvation may lie with a Navy warship which is as lost as they are. Together, they must pool their resources, and use every means available to defend themselves while discovering what has happened to them.

Or the rest of the world.

Uncharted, a military science fiction thriller.

For anyone who enjoyed Lost, BSG or The Last Ship.

This is the changed version. There has been a couple of additions in there too.

I'm comfortable with the opening being punchy, but I've shortened it to introduce the MC (well, one of) sooner.

Good points about the pirates. Within the book itself, it feels fine to use "pirates" as there's more time to give context, but I need to be weary of giving it a swashbuckling feel as that's not the tone - so removed.

I've reordered the comparisons to break up Lost and the Last Ship. I'm not a huge fan of comparisons, but they are used a lot with chart toppers to inform potential readers.

@Droflet , having read it, do you think this captures the tone and content? And do you have a different opinion about which MC to focus on? I think Jack has the edge over the others for blurb purposes.

Would someone a little more gramatically minded than me kindly comment on this:

On these mysterious and uncharted seas, where even the compass shows the sun rising to the west, salvation may lie with a Navy warship which is as lost as they are.

Should it be a semi colon between "west" and "salvation"?

Kerry and Quel (and anyone else for that matter), this is with the editor at the moment with an anticipated release date in late sept to oct. Before release, I'll be sending out free Advance Review Copies (ARCs). If you want, you're more than welcome to have one.

Thanks again!!!

 

[Droflet]

Yes, definitely go with Jack. With all due respect to Brian, I think or the rest of the world doesn't work for me. It's what happened to the ship AND what happened to the world. Surely. Grammar ain't my big thing, but just wondering if lay instead of lie??? I'll give the rest of this a think but basically it looks okay to me. But what do I know, right?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Looks much cleaner. (stick with the comma, in your queried sentence.)

 

[Nick B]

Thanks Ralph, I'd love a review copy. I will still buy a copy when it comes out, because, fair is fair.

 

[HareBrain]

Should it be a semi colon between "west" and "salvation"?

Short answer, no. Longer answer: they should correctly only be used to separate independent linked clauses, and items in a list (especially where the items themselves contains commas). Even non-correctly, it would look wrong because "where even the compass shows the sun rising to the west" is a parenthetical clause (i.e. you could put it in brackets) so the starting and closing punctuation should be the same.

I like the new version. My only comment is that here:

Or the rest of the world.

Uncharted, a military science fiction thriller.

The two lines could do with being more separated (an extra couple of lines, maybe) as otherwise the second line could at first seem like the continuation of the story summary.

 

[ralphkern]

Once again, thank you.

The M/S Atlantica, one of the most advanced cruise ships in the world, is lost.

Land has disappeared. Fuel, food and hope begin to dwindle.

After months recuperating in hospital, US Marine, Jack Cohen hoped a Caribbean cruise would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East. Instead, when the ship is attacked, he is once again thrust into battle to protect Atlantica against the ruthless enemy hunting her, and the insidious threat already aboard.

On these mysterious and uncharted seas, where even the compass shows the sun rising to the west, Atlantica's salvation may lie with a Navy warship which is as lost as they are. Together, they must pool their resources, and use every means available to defend themselves while discovering what has happened to them.

And the rest of the world.



Uncharted, a military science fiction thriller which will appeal to anyone who enjoyed Lost, BSG or The Last Ship.

From the international best selling author of Endeavour and Erebus.

This kind of thing makes me squirm, but think it's important to bring in the last line for cross promotion.

I've adapted paragraph three to remove repetition of 'The'.

I've googled the use of lie vs lay. There are many similar examples of the former, none of the latter so think it's correct. (I aknowledge it's a blunt instrument check, and it wouldn't be the first time popular misconception has normalised use of the wrong thing)

Shudder, I think I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel for the blurb pain!

 

[Kerrybuchanan]

Yes, better.

Before release, I'll be sending out free Advance Review Copies (ARCs). If you want, you're more than welcome to have one.

Yes please!

Thanks Ralph, I'd love a review copy. I will still buy a copy when it comes out, because, fair is fair.

Ditto.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

The only caveat I have about using International Bestseller is that the term is fast becoming meaningless. People choose a tiny category, run a paid-for promo and hit number one in 'Tractors of Wales in 1900' and declare themselves a bestseller. It's got to the point where I - and others, I've seen posts about it on facebook etc - question what type of bestseller it was and also wonder a tiny bit about if the author is trying a little hard to impress....


Is there anyway you can make the claim more precise? Bestseller in a significant category, for instance?

 

[Droflet]

Tractors of Wales in 1900.

 

[Brian G Turner]

There's nothing particularly wrong with what you have, but the first two lines effectively serve as an infodump to introduce the story, yet the information in those lines could easily be inserted into what follows.

If you did that, the blurb would be focused on Jack as the protagonist, and keep everything in linear time - and potentially stronger for it.

Also, perhaps tighten, and there's no need to mention the second ship - you're describing plot, when character could potentially work better:



From the best selling author of Endeavour and Erebus

US Marine, Jack Cohen hoped a cruise on the world's most advanced liner would help him recover from the horrific injuries he sustained fighting insurgents in the Middle East.

But everything changes when the sun begins to rise in the west, and all trace of land disappears. Food, fuel, and hope run short.

Worse, the ship becomes hunted, with enemies attacking from the sea and below the decks.

Jack must use every means available to command the defence of the ship, while trying to discover what has happened to them, and how to get the survivors home alive.

A military science fiction thriller which will appeal to anyone who enjoyed Lost, BSG or The Last Ship.

 

[thaddeus6th]

You may want to put the bestselling line at the start. I certainly would. It immediately lets the browser know that you, like Donald Trump, have the best words.

 

[ralphkern]

Hi folks, I'm comfortable with where we're at with this one now.

Fair point on the best selling thing, but remember, these are written for readers more than writers.

Re: plot character balance and opening statements - Again, I'm comfortable with where that's at as well.

As ever, great points, great critique and great food for thought.

Thank you everyone who has commented and all have been considered... except that I should emulate Donald Trump!!!!