Gumshoe Paladin opening (1500)

[Brian G Turner]

The first version is still stuck on trying to describe things before anything starts. It's kind of rambling, and it's lacking any sense of punch IMO.

But I love the second version! You start us in the middle of something, and your voice carries across really strong. You throw in little details during the narrative to give us context, and also draw a picture, without stopping the flow to explain anything to us. This makes your voice come across really strong. Just be careful not to labour the point - we get that bearpelt causes fear in others - now get on with it.

 

[VinceK]

Starting with a setting can be risky without a hook. If you can hook the reader with a question, they will more likely continue to read the descriptive narrative.

Perhaps combining these two sentences into the opening sentence to form a hook:

A wise soldier once told me to expect trouble whenever the animals fell silent.

I held out my mug without and sticky wine flowed all over my wrist. I turned to see a woman stumbling away, mouth hanging open in shock. At first I worried she was scared of my scarred face and hulking frame - but she wasn’t looking at me.

1. Hook: silence descends over the bar. The woman could stumble away from the bar to cement the location.
2. Brief description of Bear Pelt and his bodyguards together with a mention of the bar (as you have done).
3. Bear Pelt walks across (straw covered floorboards?) to bar; a touch more description of the interior.
4. Bear Pelt arrives at the bar, a touch more description; mention the axe (if it is part of the story), the reaction of the other patrons?

All the while the reader will be asking who is this Bear Pelt, why is everyone frightened of him, what is going to happen? They will absorb the description of the setting without realising it.

Normally my generous host always stayed within arm’s reach of the axe he kept wedged into the wall, ready for cutting short any nonsense.

Good line.

I’d seen him chop off someone’s hand before.

Superfluous. You could have added; " or arms." to the previous sentence.

Hope this is some use.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

Not sure why you would want to change your opening completely. I thought this one worked. I've marked a couple of things which bugged me.

Everyone should have a good tavern close to them. Somewhere warm, comfortable, and full of convivial company for when bored of drinking alone. "bored with"

Flaithi’s succeeded at being close.

I’d gone in there three hours ago for a jug to take home. Now I was hunched over the crude pitch-stained table and my empty mug, being ignored by the servers. Not that I blamed them. The crowd was crammed together, elbow to elbow and nose to nose, and half of them bawling for more wine. I was too polite for that so I didn’t get served.

One more drink, I promised myself, and I’d go. I could see Flaithi hovering by the old war axe he had stuck in the wooden wall behind the bar. Most barmen like to keep a stout stick hidden for just in case. Flaithi felt the need to use an axe instead, and to keep it prominently displayed as a warning to his customers.

Soon they would be too drunk to heed it. I’d seen enough violence in my years to know that. Two thats side by side here. That was the problem with the strong bitter wine he sold so cheaply. It attracted many of the meanest and stupidest thugs to be found in the Rat Quarter, which is to say in all of Skibhair, in all of Talu Bheith. It was strong and cheap enough to make me sit among them in this miserable little shack.

At least I could barely see it; the only light came from a few oil lamps and the one narrow door, the fire place unused in this scorching spring. Unfortunately my nose was not so protected. It stunk of stale wine, rotten straw mats and vomit. This place was bad for your health. My fellow drinkers didn’t care. I didn’t care, especially when someone with a jug was finally coming my way.

I held out my mug without (?) and sticky wine flowed all over my wrist. I turned to see a woman stumbling away, mouth hanging open in shock. At first I worried she was scared of my scarred face and hulking frame - but she wasn’t looking at me.

 

[The Big Peat]

Lot more questions and what not this time around in the hope of turning this into a 'finished' article.

Just be careful not to labour the point - we get that bearpelt causes fear in others - now get on with it.

You're right that I'm labouring the point but in initial critiques, here and elsewhere, I've had a certain amount of cognitive dissonance for the response and not in the "Well, lets turn some pages and find out" way. Do you think I need to keep the explanation of why, or should just pare right down on the explanation and leave it as an unresolved? Maybe make it clear he's recognised here and has a reputation even if the narrator doesn't recognise it?

Starting with a setting can be risky without a hook. If you can hook the reader with a question, they will more likely continue to read the descriptive narrative.

Perhaps combining these two sentences into the opening sentence to form a hook:

*snip for readability purposes*

Superfluous. You could have added; " or arms." to the previous sentence.

Hope this is some use.

You're right about the hook and it is bothering me slightly. Would you say there's any difference between the two currently for hookiness?

And you're absolutely right about the add-on and it would be a lot funnier to boot.

Not sure why you would want to change your opening completely. I thought this one worked. I've marked a couple of things which bugged me.

Because there's been a fair bit of feedback suggesting the opening 350 odd words weren't working as well as I wanted - including yours based on my reading of them - and most of it suggested more immediacy and hook. I thought it at least worth trying that way to see if I and others like it better. But then I'm rather paranoid about my openings and a firm believer in making the best first impression there I can. I doubt I'm going to go completely William Gibson on it and rewrite it 12 times but sometimes that's what it takes.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Do you think

I think we're encroaching on stylistic choice. My thinking was simply that we didn't need the bar maid's reaction - bear pelt's presence had already clearly been stated, and we didn't need to distract from that. However, it really just depends on your personal approach.

 

[tinkerdan]

I would vote for Opening 2.
There is a need to tighten much of this but I'll concentrate on this passage.

He didn’t look anything much to me, save for the thick black bear’s pelt he wore despite the day’s heat, but I’d seen kings treated with less fear. To these men mind, he was the next nearest thing. Only a chieftain of one of the great criminal clans would be able to wear a pelt that rich down here without being stabbed and robbed.

This has the flavor of one step forward then two steps back.

The mention of the pelt is separated by narative then continued and as mentioned it almost belabors the point.
Perhaps::
He didn’t look anything much to me, however only a chieftain of one of the great criminal clans would be able to wear a pelt that rich down here, and in this heat, without being stabbed and robbed and I’d seen kings treated with less fear. To these men's minds, he was the next nearest thing.
::
The 'these men mind' might be the narrator's voice taking this along; but it throws me off.

I forgot to mention::
I'm not sure what POV is intended but the line 'To these men's minds, he was the next nearest thing.' brings us close to first person omniscient.

 

[HareBrain]

I agree the second works better, and not just because it doesn't contain the word "stunk". I would have tolerated the first, but this has instant tension. I don't think it gets across the fire hazard, though. I only picked up on pitch-stained benches because of the previous draft. (But you don't need to be cramming too much in here.) Nor does the MC feel apathetic -- which is probably a good thing in an opening.

A wise soldier once told me to expect trouble whenever the animals fell silent.

The sudden hush brought the words to mind. Animals wasn’t a kind description of my drinking companions mind, but not unfitting. [I think you might be able to cut those two lines, and leave the comparison with animals to the reader.] The man besides me had been bragging about breaking a tanner’s fingers only a few seconds before. His friend had livid knife-scars on both cheeks. Now they looked just like crows who’ve spotted an eagle circling above them.

I looked up from my wine, curious as to the cause of the disturbance. I came to Flaithi’s tavern to ignore the world. The last thing I needed was the world coming in here to tear the place up. It was a rancid hole, with uncomfortably warped pitch-stained benches that still stunk of the sea and last night’s drunks, but it had its own sort of honesty and the cheapest strongest wine in the Rat Quarter.

There were two giant slabs of scowling manhood stood in the door, blocking the light and plunging us into shadowy gloom. Whoever had built this tavern had been too cheap for windows or more than one door. The men besides me weren’t looking at the thugs though, but at the man in front of them. [How is this obvious to him, given that all three are in the same direction?]

He didn’t look anything much to me, save for the thick black bear’s pelt he wore despite the day’s heat, but I’d seen kings treated with less fear. To these men mind, he was the next nearest thing. Only a chieftain of one of the great criminal clans would be able to wear a pelt that rich down here without being stabbed and robbed.

Bear Pelt slowly walked towards the bar, looking around him for something. He was a graceful fellow; he’d have wonderful footwork in a fight. [I'd like a bit more description of build, looks etc, since he's so significant.] He stopped in the centre of the room and stared pointedly at Flaithi. Normally my generous host always stayed within arm’s reach of the axe he kept wedged into the wall, ready for cutting short any nonsense. I’d seen him chop off someone’s hand before. Now he very carefully moved as far away from it as possible.

Something rustled behind me and I glanced down to see one of the serving girls hiding.

 

[Boneman]

I like version two very much. I like the voice of the MC (omniscient narrators notwithstanding) and agree that it has a good Abercrombie flavour to it. If everyone in the bar recognises what the bear pelt represents, then, possibly there's no need for the narrator to tell exactly what it is? You've drawn wonderful attention to him by the reaction of the badguys at the table, wonder if it mightn't be better if the MC turns and thinks something like: 'you don't ever see bear pelts in this part of the city unless someone is in serious trouble. And I've never seen one in Flaithi's.' We know it's a power thing, but we'll be intrigued and you can drip feed its full significance as the story goes on (I kinda had a picture of atypical mafiosa in a double-breasted suit and a homburg walking into a lowlife bar, and getting the same reaction, that kind of thing.) It's only because this is a fantasy world that it might need to be explained, but stepping back a little could add a certain 'something' to the tale. I enjoy the writing very much.

 

[The Big Peat]

Well it seems to be version 2 is popular here, version 1 is popular everywhere else.

Harebrain - You've got a point about sentences 2/3, but I do like seeing the MC very openly if shamefacedly comparing the men around him to animals. I suppose the implication is still there though.

Also I'd been planning to describe Bear Pelt more once he got closer later on in the chapter.

Boneman - You could well be onto something there. I think I'd prefer it if you were right about not needing to go into too much detail, that's for sure.

 

[Dan Jones]

Peat, I'd also go with the second version. Starting things in media res adds an urgency that's lacking elsewhere, and I'd agree with Boney that it gives things an Abercrombie-ish feel, which seems to be no bad things given your tone and style.

I'm not sure I'd have the word "wise" in the first sentence. You could quite easily replace it with "stupid", which means you probably don't need an adjective at all. I think the other things have been picked up by others.

If I'm being picky I think I'd like to see more of the MC's own reactions to the events; at present he is in reporter mode, describing the scene very nicely but from a kind of passive bystander's perspective. It's actually not that far from an omni 3rd person narrative, but seeing as you're going for close 3rd, then arguably you could get us under the skin of the MC a little more. I understand you're going for apathetic, but without any communication of his own feelings or reactions then it starts to cross the line into ennui.

But the writing is good and the descriptions pithy, and the world shows a lot of promise.

 

[HareBrain]

seeing as you're going for close 3rd

I don't want to embarrass you, Dan**, but in case this confuses anyone, it's first.

** hee hee!!

 

[tinkerdan]

I think what makes the POV confusing is the omniscient nature of first person in the wiring. We start to get the feelings and thoughts of other characters as you would with Omniscient third. I'm not sure how many people might immediately identify Omniscient first person before they might just be pulled out by what 'looks' like a terrible shift in POV from first person to third person.

There is nothing wrong with first person omniscient; however it might be best served if you start with it as close to the top as possible where the reader might be able to figure out that its is first omniscient right away and get used to it.

 

[HareBrain]

We start to get the feelings and thoughts of other characters as you would with Omniscient third.

I'm not seeing this in the excerpts posted. Could you give examples?

I don't think I've come across the term "first person omniscient". I understand what you mean, but it suggests that a first person narrator who seems inconsistent is breaking some guildline in the same way that a third-person one would be. But the joy of first person is that we're in their head; it's always both omni in one sense and close/limited in another. A male narrator might "know" everything about women, to the point of (wrongly) stating as fact the reason behind every tiny bit of behaviour, but cheerfully confess he knows nothing about how the economy works. That isn't inconsistency between omni and close, it's character, and isn't translatable into third-person.

 

[tinkerdan]

I have no idea where DG got the feeling because there are two pieces.

Mine comes from this line.

She was petrified.

In the Original Post. And I'm being lazy by not checking further to see if there are more instances.
Some might let this go by.
But she should look petrified.
Or he could show how she looked and let us decide.
But to say She was petrified starts reaching into areas he shouldn't be unless he's an empath.

My thought was that someone might pick up on that and assume third person where it would be Omniscient first.

 

[Phyrebrat]

Awkward, as I like both. I think the second is probably more gripping in a commercial sense but I have no problem with either. Not very helpful, sorry.

I would change the line The sudden hush brought the words to mind: A sudden hush brought those words to mind as it seems a bit closer to him.

I also had a giggle about the giant manhood. I'm pretty convinced manhood isn't the right word here because of the connotations. (I'm not being childish or facetious, btw)

pH

 

[Wruter]

Version 2.

Editing note: 'besides' should be 'beside' in both instances. Different meaning.

 

[Dan Jones]

I don't want to embarrass you, Dan**, but in case this confuses anyone, it's first.

** hee hee!!

Oh, what an idiotic boob I am!

To clarify, I meant that there is a certain detachment between the MC and his narration. We understand what he sees, but don't experience what he's experiencing. Like watching Soccer Saturday. Unbelievable, Jeff!

I don't agree that we get the thoughts and feelings of other characters either, though. To take "she was petrified," anyone can tell with visual cues if someone is petrified, so this doesn't represent a shift into their POV, or even into omni. What gives it the reporter/commentator feel is that we don't get the thoughts and feelings of the MC, only their observations.

I'd like to read a little more of the MC's tiny little reflexes: the instinctive shift of his hand to his dagger, a tensing in the neck as danger manifests, or a casual knocking back of his wine in spite of the dodgy geezer turning up, or whatever is appropriate for this character. We don't really learn much about the guy from this.

 

[Vaz]

I like the first revised version better. It may not have the immediacy of the second but I enjoy the voice more in the first version.

Also the Tavern definetely seems to have a rough quality about it, like things could kick off at any given moment.

Good openings.

v

 

[tinkerdan]

Well there is more after that could fall in question right after She was petrified. But considering it was the previous version, and DG doesn't seem to recall what he was thinking, its a moot point.

 

[Dan Jones]

I remember everything.