Am I suffering from passive writing?

[TonyHarmsworth]

If the reader has to wonder what the hell is going on in the first sentence, it had better be something interesting enough to keep them there to find out. If they're wondering what the hell is going on because they have to go back and sort out the lack of punctuation, it's probably not worth sticking around.

Yes. the sentence should be broken back into its original components.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

Thank you all you have given me a lot to think about here.

 

[RX-79G]

Someone's first experience of weightlessness being described is not intended to confound, but to be wondrous. It is hardly an experience any of us have ever had. Perhaps I didn't mean to make you puzzled, but to make you wish you were experiencing it with the character.

Point noted however. I do wonder sometimes if we are getting blase about travelling into orbit. None of that is relevant, of course.

Not to be a pain, but I have experienced seconds of weightlessness many times in my life, usually strapped to the seat of an aircraft, but also on rollercoasters, high dives and skydiving. It really isn't that exotic or unfamiliar to people's thinking or experience. It is a little interesting, but that doesn't explain an odd sentence structure.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

Someone's first experience of weightlessness being described is not intended to confound, but to be wondrous. It is hardly an experience any of us have ever had. Perhaps I didn't mean to make you puzzled, but to make you wish you were experiencing it with the character.

Not to be a pain, but I have experienced seconds of weightlessness many times in my life, usually strapped to the seat of an aircraft, but also on rollercoasters, high dives and skydiving. It really isn't that exotic or unfamiliar to people's thinking or experience. It is a little interesting, but that doesn't explain an odd sentence structure.

Freefall isn't exotic or unfamiliar. WHAT!? I was obviously under a misapprehension.

Your first two comments on this thread were extremely useful, your third not so much and this one seems to be telling me to forget any descriptions of an astronaut's experiences. I am trying to understand how best to write it. You seem to be saying it is not worth writing about at all because everyone who has been to Disneyland has experienced it.

 

[tinkerdan]

I think you did alright describing the weightlessness.
Here are a couple of descriptions about liftoff to weightlessness from some experts.

Here's How One Astronaut Describes What A Shuttle Launch Feels Like

Astronaut John Grunsfeld Tells What Lifting Off in the Space Shuttle is Really Like!

Are there really amusement rides that go 100 miles per hour and then total weightlessness that you somehow consciously know will last until you go home?

I wouldn't know. I'm too old to ride the things.

But if I did the weightlessness would be my spirit rising out of my body. But then you won't pass out from liftoff, and I'm not sure about that amusement ride.

 

[RX-79G]

Freefall isn't exotic or unfamiliar. WHAT!? I was obviously under a misapprehension.

Your first two comments on this thread were extremely useful, your third not so much and this one seems to be telling me to forget any descriptions of an astronaut's experiences. I am trying to understand how best to write it. You seem to be saying it is not worth writing about at all because everyone who has been to Disneyland has experienced it.

What you described isn't the wonderment of space, but floating up out of your seat. And I'm saying that describing floating out of your seat doesn't automatically equal describing being in space, because most people have a conception of that feeling. It isn't the part of being in a weightless place that is exotic.

Does that make sense? You are describing something supposedly outrageous, like eating raw fish. But your readers eat sushi. If you want to describe something fantastic, you're going to have to come up with something odder than floating in your seat.


As a descriptive passage it's fine, once the language and punctuation are fixed. I just don't think it is the description of something fantastic - certainly not one warranting weird sentence structure.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

I think you did alright describing the weightlessness.
Here are a couple of descriptions about liftoff to weightlessness from some experts.

Here's How One Astronaut Describes What A Shuttle Launch Feels Like

Astronaut John Grunsfeld Tells What Lifting Off in the Space Shuttle is Really Like!

Are there really amusement rides that go 100 miles per hour and then total weightlessness that you somehow consciously know will last until you go home?

I wouldn't know. I'm too old to ride the things.

But if I did the weightlessness would be my spirit rising out of my body. But then you won't pass out from liftoff, and I'm not sure about that amusement ride.

Thanks for those

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

What you described isn't the wonderment of space, but floating up out of your seat. And I'm saying that describing floating out of your seat doesn't automatically equal describing being in space, because most people have a conception of that feeling. It isn't the part of being in a weightless place that is exotic.

Does that make sense? You are describing something supposedly outrageous, like eating raw fish. But your readers eat sushi. If you want to describe something fantastic, you're going to have to come up with something odder than floating in your seat.


As a descriptive passage it's fine, once the language and punctuation are fixed. I just don't think it is the description of something fantastic - certainly not one warranting weird sentence structure.

I think you are fortunate in your experiences. The poor sentence structure has already been acknowledged. Thank you.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

Would it not be better to start when she's doing something? One of ten Disney or Pixar (I forget which) storytelling rules is always start showing your character doing what they do best. I don't totally agree with this, but there's wisdom there. If she's doing something, it's easier to use more active language.

I'll give this some thought. Thanks.

 

[cyprus7]

"We were under attack and the enemy was invisible."
Tony, the last sentence is packing a lot of information. How does the narrator reach that conclusion so quickly?

Also, what year is this story set in? Mention of the ISS may trigger some astute readers with knowledge of its current capabilities etc to pay close attention to any engineering / design references etc.

 

[TonyHarmsworth]

"We were under attack and the enemy was invisible."
Tony, the last sentence is packing a lot of information. How does the narrator reach that conclusion so quickly?

Ah, it made you want to know! That's good. Evelyn recognises the alarm as a sun-flare alarm (from training) and the enemies are protons and neutrons.

Also, what year is this story set in? Mention of the ISS may trigger some astute readers with knowledge of its current capabilities etc to pay close attention to any engineering / design references etc.

2027 - it is extremely well researched. The only assumption is that it has recently been decided to extend the ISS's life. I suppose I should have invented a new space station as the ISS might be gone in ten years, but I wanted the reader to have some knowledge of where some of the action takes place. I have taken EXTREME care to ensure everything existing is accurate and everything invented for the story is plausible.