A Pelt Woven from Starlight

[Vaz]

Hey Chronners, in need of some crit assistance.

so this is my Fantasy I've been chiselling into shape. now that I'm getting into the deep end with it I thought it could do with being torn apart

any thoughts are helpful and appreciated

v

One
​

Sniff picked out the stories woven in starlight across nights dark cloth. beside her, the thick furs rose and fell with Fives' soft snores.

She cuddled in close to Five, put her nose at the nape of her neck and inhaled. Warmed by the anticipation of her scent; sharp and hot as fresh forged steel.

The warmth in her guts turned to winter as a stench crept up her nostrils, sour and black as unblessed bones in a bog; so thick it coated her tongue and throat. Sniff knew it alright, knew it well. She crawled from the furs. Stalked the mountains ledge and sent spit thick as venom onto the rocks below. She looked too, nice and long. Same as any dying warrior eager to see the wound. Sniff drank in the slaughter whilst daggers stabbed at her throat; shame or guilt? Probably a tad of both.

Stormwinter simmered to a scar, even her rivers were wreathed in flame; shimmering in the night like the golden stomachs of Serpents. The wind slapped at her face, flavoured with the charred flesh of those she once called family.

It woke in her then and she fought as it pounded in her skull like an old foe come knocking. Forced it down when it cracked in her ears like thunder striking stone. She backed away from ledge as the world changed to a smeared ruin.

Sniff grinned down at Five. Slipped out her dagger. The blood of the bitch would do as payment for stealing her, charming her from her clan. She'd start with that soft neck. Cut out those beautiful eyes ...

The world rocked as she trudged towards Five, wrestling with her feet to stop; pleading for the storm to calm. Only blood can satisfy the storm.

Sniff raised the dagger like a scorpion priming its stinger. Then ran its teeth along her cheek. Blood blossomed hot and wet on her face as she stumbled forward, the world anchoring itself. She sheathed her dagger with a shake and a shiver. Fled back beneath the furs wiping at her stinging cut.

It dried as she scowled at the stars. They'd tell her story one day, no doubt. Stormblood - Sniff, the grim ******* who left her clan to burn while she hunted a myth. Not a saga for the ages that was true, but whose tale ever is?

She snuggled into the curve of Five, gave her a hug a touch on the side of rough to rouse her a lil'.

Five needed her.

Five sighed, turning towards her; lips curled into a crimson smile. She ran a finger over sniffs cut, then sucked it. 'Been shaving again?'

'Was wonderin' what it was like ... to be a man.'

'Not quite so sweet as being a woman,' Five giggled, her cold hand finding the heat between Sniff's thighs.

And she needed Five.

 

[Ihe]

I liked it. A few punctuation mishaps that would've most likely been caught with a re-read, but despite this, it's overall well-written. The ending I specially liked.

BUT: The beginning is hard to get past. The first paragraphs don't have enough of a hook. Also, on a few occasions through out the piece your poetic take becomes too purple, which can be tolerable at times, but not in the beginning paragraphs. There it is where you need the greatest clarity, and it is there where it is the most cluttered IMO, which isn't good.

Stormwinter/Stormblood is too cliche. I'm sure I've heard these a few times in MMOs and other fantasy instalments.

I think your story would benefit from some re-structuring. The way the beginning is written looks pretty, but it doesn't deliver much on actual content. You might get by with this further in the book, but not at the very start. Starting with Sniff gripping the knife, standing over a sleeping Five could be a nicer start, for example, by putting the conflict in big bright bold letters smack in the reader's face right after opening the book, and then you can work the story backwards from there.

Overall, the conflict in the scene feels weak (maybe because it's too short-lived?), and there is only one, really. I'm not saying "blow things up and have dragons doing handstands", but kicking it up a notch and cutting down on the metaphoricals/imagery could help.

nights dark cloth

night's

cloth. beside her

Beside

Sniff knew it alright, knew it well

I would replace that comma with a semicolon, but I have a feeling this is just me.

She crawled from the furs. Stalked the mountains ledge

No need to break this up with a period. Better to just join them with "and". The current pace of the narration doesn't need choppy sentences anyway. Also: mountain's.

She looked too, nice and long. Same as any dying warrior eager to see the wound.

"Nice and long" is too casual after waxing poetic before that. These sentences should be joined by a comma.

Forced it down when it cracked in her ears like thunder striking stone.

End it at thunder. The "striking stone" bit took me out of the story.

She backed away from ledge

the ledge

even her rivers were wreathed in flame

I assume Stormwinter was her home? You start talking about it a bit out of nowhere and it confused me (you jump from an intensely abstract/inner perspective to an until-then-unmentioned external element too abruptly), as you elaborate on her feelings about it before mentioning what she is thinking about. This diminishes the emotional impact of her thoughts, since the reader doesn't know what the hell she's moping for. It'd help to mention the destruction of her home before/during the emotions.

Only blood can satisfy the storm.

It felt like the wrong tense to me. could works better IMO.

gave her a hug a touch on the side of rough to rouse her a lil'.

Vernacular variations of words aren't needed in narration, only in dialogue IMO. Then again, I don't know if it's a conscious stylistic choice of yours.

She ran a finger over sniffs cut,

Sniff's

Hope I could be of some help. Toodooloop.

 

[Brian G Turner]

I think there's some great use of phrasing in here, and it puts me immediately in mind of Abercrombie - which has to be a good thing.

But the problem is that I don't sense a story here - Sniff snuggles up to someone, then dreams, then wakes up. The whole experience feels more like an exercise in vivid imagery rather than story telling - there's so much focus on the the abstract that it's hard to get a sense of something concrete and immediate.

So from this short piece I would suggest you have the potential to write in a powerful and imaginative voice - but IMO you also need to ground that so we have a clear sense of something happening in the now and through a character experience we can get inside and feel and empathise with.

The pieces seem to be there - just put them together a little differently, and you could have something formidable.

2c.

 

[Wruter]

It has your style written all over it, laden with poetic simile and great turns of phrase. I'd be astonished if you could keep this up for an entire novel.

Apostrophes are your typo bugbear.

Critique-wise I concur with the posts above. The poetry overwhelms the prose.

Sorry for the brevity but there's nothing I can really add to the above posts except my encouragement.

 

[tinkerdan]

I like the prose, though I just adore the beginning of Edward Bulwer-Lytton's Paul Clifford. So there's that.

I would agree to some extent that the prose and the images begin to smother; in that it seems that there is a lot of story hidden in there that might get overlooked by readers who are overwhelmed.

At some point it might not be clear whether it's a dream, vision or reality and that might be drawn from the color of the prose, but as I said there is a story in there that I didn't think was dream that seemed to contain some conflict and even consequences so possibly a bit of stakes that's all too easy to miss. (Unless I'm seeing too much here.)

 

[The Big Peat]

I'm afraid to say I'm quite confused about what's happening in the first five paragraphs at least. I think she's on top of a mountain and looks down to see a land that's been ravaged by war and gets angry over it, but I wouldn't swear to it.

I want to read on anyway. The prose and her general... emotional fervour? They're enough for me. The fact she both wants to kill Five and needs her is plenty of hook. Gods knows I couldn't read a story this poetic if it was fast anyway.

 

[cyprus7]

Very interesting, Vaz. I'm drawn to read this piece in the style of a vignette or a prose poem. How long is your final Fantasy (sorry, couldn't resist!) likely to be? (Novella, Novel, Epic Tale etc...)

 

[Vaz]

You folks are fantastic. Thank you for tackling this piece.


@Ihe thanks for pulling out those pesky grammatical errors, and mentioning the clichéd nature of the name which I was worried about. Also showing me the confusion in the prose is a big help.

@Brian G Turner thanks for the encouragement Brian. I will work on the confusing nature of this piece and ground it more.

@Wruter thanks for taking a look at this, and yes, apostrophes are my bugbear . I agree on the point of overwhelming the prose

@tinkerdan I agree with you totally on smothering the prose. But you are correct in thinking its not a dream or vision but something is actually happening, but like you mentioned the story does seem hidden. And also confusing. Thanks for the crit

@The Big Peat sorry for the confusion! but you absolutely nailed it (up on a mountain, sees home destroyed and gets angry.) Thanks for your comments

@cyprus7 cheers for reading. I'm looking at this being a novella, fingers crossed!


Thanks for your help

 

[The Big Peat]

Oh huzzah Make it more explicit and I think it works.

 

[Martin Gill]

I like the style, but I too am confused. I got lost in a number of things. I thought Five (good name!) was a dog or wolf to begin with. I got confused about what or who Stormwinter is. How does something simmer to a scar? Don't get me wrong, there's a great turn of phrase and lovely language in here, but I'm lost as to what's going on. Its been said already, but I think you need to ground it slightly - you know what you are writing about - we don't yet.

As for conflict... I think its there. Maybe explain it a bit more clearly, or make it a bit more front as centre. They've fled form the clan, and Sniff has the rage in her. But I got lost when she cut "her" cheek. Her own or Five's. I had to re-read that to work out what was happening, because at this point your early mention of the rise and fall of fur still had me thinking that Five was a dog.

 

[Vaz]

@Martin Gill Thanks Martin, all good points. I'm working on a less confusing revision that hopefully comes across better and is an easier read.

Cheers for taking the time to crit

 

[Stuart Suffel]

Well, same as the other crits. I will say this. Imagine we, the readers don't know the characters (yup, those who you love, are called 'characters'. It's cruel, but such is the world). It's almost like we've never met them. We don't know their world view, their long term hopes. Sure we know their actions, their current states of being, their current emotions. but we don't know their world. Their environment. The restrictions, expectations, placed upon them.
So, can we care? Can we feel their dilemma? The morality or otherwise of their thoughts and actions? Nope, we can't.

You have a talent in creating imagery, in use of language. But a flurry of emotion, a cacophony of action means nothing without context.

context, baby. Context.

 

[Toby Frost]

Personally, I’ve no problem following a character whose motives and thoughts we don’t know at the start of a book, provided that they are doing something interesting. However, as Brian says, there’s not really much sense of the story moving forward: she does some things for uncertain reasons and goes to sleep.

I am put off by the purpleness of it (the fact that the characters have real words for names makes it even harder to follow) and the sense of out-Abercrombieing Abercrombie. I’m also not sure what accent is being attempted in the prose (not the dialogue). “Lil” for “little” makes me think of the Wild West, and feels jarring to me contrasted with the cold, the furs and the (presumably) lesbianism. Strangely, I thought she was literally a wolf for quite a while.

It’s definitely well-written and there’s a sense that you are very much in control of what’s going on the page. However, I think it needs to be easier on the reader, especially at an early stage. I’m not really fond of style-heavy writing in general, so take this as you will, but I would rein the style back in favour of clarity.

 

[Vaz]

@Toby Frost Thanks for taking the time to crit this piece. Good points on striking a balance between style and clarity.

Cheers

v

 

[Phyrebrat]

Hi Vaz,

Sorry I'm late to this: browsing limited to iphone lately.

Couple of additions to what has been said above.

I enjoyed a lot of the imagery but there is little order to it. By that I mean, common themes to the mataphors or similes. For example you compare warmth changing to winter in her. I would link your images to be thematically consistent, so there is a follow-able context that's relevant to the scene. Perhaps you could use the seasons, or weather, specifically as analogues for people's feelings and characteristics.

I get the impression of craggy hard rocks, a forbidding landscape and season juxtaposed with the makeshift warmth of the skins and furs. That's a great (IMO) starting point right there; the transience of flesh and all things wamrth against the immobility and unrelenting resistance of the cold, of rock and so on. Ice is sharp, cold and could subliminally remind the reader of a knife. The saliva is really base, visceral and human, and speaks of that as well as sex.

Using abstracts is confusing enough so I think there has to be a level of consistency for it to be either reader-friendly, or 'gettable'. You know exactly what you're doing so I would just say work on unifying the imagery a bit more. Make them cohesive and then the piece will flow.

I love Shakespeare's use of imagery in Macbeth - it's probably why it's always on a school's syllabus, because it's so easy to identify the techniques used in the play. Macbeth uses florid speech that has a common thread; My mind is full of scorpions; curs, dogs, hounds; and Lady Macbeth uses a great one: 'Look like the flower, but be the serpent under't'. The use of creepy crawlies and lowly animals (cur especially, being a horrid name for a mongrel dog) in their speech speaks of the climate of darkness around them, and of course the serpent of temptation.

Don't forget also that landscape can be a character, too. I really favour that approach and often have to consciously try to not do it as it can overtake the narrative of a 'normal' scene. Here, however, I think it would serve you to embody the landscape somehow.

pH

 

[Vaz]

@Phyrebrat Thanks for taking the time to crit . You raise some great points about Unifying the imagery and linking it to themes throughout the story. And Macbeth is an interesting example, thinking about it has got the creative juices flowing.

Using the landscape is something I do want to do but share the same fear of it dominating scenes.

Its a mind boggle sometimes, trying to strike a balance with a style whilst trying to keep what's attractive to the Genre in mind.

Thanks again, Ph

v

 

[Phyrebrat]

@Phyrebrat Thanks for taking the time to crit . You raise some great points about Unifying the imagery and linking it to themes throughout the story. And Macbeth is an interesting example, thinking about it has got the creative juices flowing.

Using the landscape is something I do want to do but share the same fear of it dominating scenes.

Its a mind boggle sometimes, trying to strike a balance with a style whilst trying to keep what's attractive to the Genre in mind.

Thanks again, Ph

v

You're welcome, it was a pleasure to read. Please keep in mind I don't know about the expectations and rules of fantasy readers so I could be speaking against the accepted tropes (and thus ruin your story )

Glad your creativity is revving.

pH

 

[Vaz]

Hey folks, me again. Sorry to be a pain.

So I've restructured and revised my opening. Cut down on the purple/abstract (fingers crossed) and changed a few things. the new opening is 514 words or so. a couple of things:

Is it less confusing?
Does it work better as an opening?
Enough of a hook or conflict present in the scene?

thanks to anyone who takes a gander.

v





Sniff stalked the mountain's ledge dagger gripped tight in her glove. They’d destroyed her home. Burnt it. Smashed it’s walls until they leaned on one another like drunks refusing to fall. She clenched her jaw as the storm built in her guts and flashed hot across her skin like a kiss from lightning. Stormloch was gone. Friends and family with it. Their ashes were all that was left silent shadows cast by the fires of war the night before.


She turned and eyed up Five snoring gently beneath the furs. It was her fault, all of this. The storm was sure of it. It pounded in her skull like an old foe come knocking. Sniff wrestled with it, closing the door of her mind and shutting the rage behind. But it forced it open. It always got in. Her heart hammered and she swallowed air with a hunger, pressing her fist to her forehead. ‘Don’t. God’s, don’t do it … please.’

Begging won’t stop it.

Sniff’s mind itched. Things she kept in dark, dusty corners never went, instead they bred. Crawling and catching her thoughts in webs, souring every hope with the venom of fear. A sickened giggle climbed her throat. ‘Spiders. Spiders in my mind.’

Her lips ached as they stretched into a grimace. Kill Five. The source of her pain. The rot in her wound. The bitch with soft words and smiles made sweet to hide the poison beneath. Yes. She doesn’t love us. The serpent looks like the branch when offering tainted fruit. She is not innocent.

Sniff trudged towards Five. Dizzy. The world rocked.

Do it. Pierce her heart. Her blood will bless this mountain.

Five was beneath her. Sniff raised the dagger like a scorpion priming its stinger. Only blood could satisfy the Storm.

She retched, spat bile on the snow. Her hands were wet. Red. Dagger decorated in crimson. Fire spread across her cheek and Sniff pressed her palm against it blood dripping from the glove. Her own, this time. She trembled and fled beneath the warmth of furs before the storm returned; picking out the stories drawn in starlight across the night with a finger. Sniff scowled, what would her story say one day? Blood thunder-Sniff, the grim ******* who left her clan to burn and chased a Myth up the Sisters in Winter’s grip. True, it’d be no saga for the ages. But whose tale ever was?

Five needed her, that was the most important thing.

She snuggled in tight to Five’s curves. Gave her a hug a touch on the side of rough to rouse her a little. Five turned towards her, lips a scarlet smile. But it was those eyes, Grey as stone and much like her own that snared her. She ran a finger across Sniff’s cheek, then sucked it. ‘Been shaving again?’

‘Was wondering what it was like … to be a man.’

Five giggled, a note of mischief in it. ‘Not as sweet as being a woman,’ she said. Her cold fingers finding the warmth between Sniff’s thighs.

 

[SciFrac]

Stumbled on the first sentence. What's a "mountain ledge dagger"? Needs a comma, or better yet, rework so you don't modify the wrong noun. Had to pause several times to figure out what you're trying to say through imagery as well. This feels like you're being "writerly" at the expense of clarity. So she's going to kill Five, but instead, Five grabs her crotch?

 

[Vaz]

Thanks for reading and providing feedback.

Yes, part of her wants to kill Five.