Ihe
Forum Revolutionary
- Joined
- Apr 4, 2015
- Messages
- 1,119
A few commas are needed here and there, as in some parts you can give the reader pause while they try to figure it out, but that can be easily tackled in revision. Also, the last line with the crotch-grab, it should be joined by a comma to the previous sentence. I don't see any other significant grammatical issues.
I might go slightly "metatechnical" on you now (and I could be wrong): On imagery, I'd say to stick to a single motif in the beginning, specially for such a short excerpt. Motifs are good to set the tone and the feel of a piece, but you use disparate symbolic elements that do not mesh well as they cannot be mixed satisfactorily (the jump from "storm" to "poison" and "venomous animals" is not very subtle, and the spider in particular feels like a last-minute add-on). The storm/lightning/weather motif is good, but then you add spiders/webs out of nowhere, mental doors/blocks, serpents/scorpions/poisons, blood... The storm motif, IMO, is superior to the poison motif--they are the main two--(the poison motif is more overplayed in literature), and for such a short excerpt, I would keep only one, and run with it, with lesser symbolic elements strewn here and there, without going overboard. The way I see it, these motifs are directing the flow of the story in different ways which is no good, pulling the flow in different directions--the storm refers to the MC (she identifies with it, it's part of her history, it's how she feels inside, can describe her personality and maybe even actions to an extent...) while the poison motif directs the reader toward Five and the past (the poison-related bits are all about memories and Five's actions, and puts the MC in a position of reactive agent, instead of Sniff bringing the "action"). Given that Sniff is the POV, I would focus on the storm element. I'm not saying to not mention poison and poisonous animals, but I wouldn't make them recurrent. But I might be combing this with too fine a brush, so do look for second opinions on this.
Also, the door bit needs to be smoothed out IMO, it read a bit clunky to me.
On an inquiring note, I'm a bit unclear as to why Sniff doesn't kill Five. Sniff doesn't need her. It is Five that needs her, so she's got no leverage to justify letting her live, seeing as how Sniff has very good reasons to do it. Then again, I'm assuming it is explained later, so don't mind me.
Does Sniff get cleaned up after making a bloody mess of herself? Spare a few words to address this, as it reads like she got back under the covers drenched in blood and bile.
Lastly, unless Sniff has multiple personalities, that love-hate thing you're going for brought me out of the story. It's a matter of degrees. You visit both extremes of the spectrum and that's not how intense emotions/thoughts work. They usually leave residual feelings/ideas after their "climax" and fuse with the next feeling/thought in line (I'm over-simplifying, but you get the gist of it--in your case, you had no transition between extremes, and this makes the MC not believable, specially when one extreme-hate-makes logical sense, while snuggling up to her enemy does not, in the slightest). You've described a hate so justifiably visceral and insane, that jumping to a hug, caressing, and le sexy play is too much of a stretch for my suspension of disbelief, even while assuming that Sniff is bonkers. You need to either bring the hate levels down, have a realistic/logical transition, have Sniff fake the good vibes with Five for some reason, or address Sniff's mental issues in later scenes, which in your defence, maybe you have already done.
Hope all of this helps.
I might go slightly "metatechnical" on you now (and I could be wrong): On imagery, I'd say to stick to a single motif in the beginning, specially for such a short excerpt. Motifs are good to set the tone and the feel of a piece, but you use disparate symbolic elements that do not mesh well as they cannot be mixed satisfactorily (the jump from "storm" to "poison" and "venomous animals" is not very subtle, and the spider in particular feels like a last-minute add-on). The storm/lightning/weather motif is good, but then you add spiders/webs out of nowhere, mental doors/blocks, serpents/scorpions/poisons, blood... The storm motif, IMO, is superior to the poison motif--they are the main two--(the poison motif is more overplayed in literature), and for such a short excerpt, I would keep only one, and run with it, with lesser symbolic elements strewn here and there, without going overboard. The way I see it, these motifs are directing the flow of the story in different ways which is no good, pulling the flow in different directions--the storm refers to the MC (she identifies with it, it's part of her history, it's how she feels inside, can describe her personality and maybe even actions to an extent...) while the poison motif directs the reader toward Five and the past (the poison-related bits are all about memories and Five's actions, and puts the MC in a position of reactive agent, instead of Sniff bringing the "action"). Given that Sniff is the POV, I would focus on the storm element. I'm not saying to not mention poison and poisonous animals, but I wouldn't make them recurrent. But I might be combing this with too fine a brush, so do look for second opinions on this.
Also, the door bit needs to be smoothed out IMO, it read a bit clunky to me.
On an inquiring note, I'm a bit unclear as to why Sniff doesn't kill Five. Sniff doesn't need her. It is Five that needs her, so she's got no leverage to justify letting her live, seeing as how Sniff has very good reasons to do it. Then again, I'm assuming it is explained later, so don't mind me.
Does Sniff get cleaned up after making a bloody mess of herself? Spare a few words to address this, as it reads like she got back under the covers drenched in blood and bile.
Lastly, unless Sniff has multiple personalities, that love-hate thing you're going for brought me out of the story. It's a matter of degrees. You visit both extremes of the spectrum and that's not how intense emotions/thoughts work. They usually leave residual feelings/ideas after their "climax" and fuse with the next feeling/thought in line (I'm over-simplifying, but you get the gist of it--in your case, you had no transition between extremes, and this makes the MC not believable, specially when one extreme-hate-makes logical sense, while snuggling up to her enemy does not, in the slightest). You've described a hate so justifiably visceral and insane, that jumping to a hug, caressing, and le sexy play is too much of a stretch for my suspension of disbelief, even while assuming that Sniff is bonkers. You need to either bring the hate levels down, have a realistic/logical transition, have Sniff fake the good vibes with Five for some reason, or address Sniff's mental issues in later scenes, which in your defence, maybe you have already done.
Hope all of this helps.
