Extract from A Day in the Lies of Inari Meiwaku

[RJM Corbet]

Shelley, Byron -- The Rolling Stones -- it's dark, harmonic imagery. It's good. I don't know the context, or if I like the story, because i don t know. But i like this piece. Imo.

Inari, don't listen to me alone.

Gift of imagination, imo. Thanks

 

[Inari Writer]

Ok. Here's a somewhat cut down version of the Kami descriptions. I could cut it down further to a couple of sentences apiece but I've tried to give an impression of each spirit's personality and what Inari thinks of them as well as a more physical description.

Extract begins

"Old Sarum." Sarum looked something like a king and something like a castle; it was sculpted from greying limestone and had a crown of battlements jutting from its wizened head. There was something peaceful in the way it sat; as still and silent as a mountain peak.

"Bridges Fallen." Eyes like embers tracked our every move as though this Kami was toying with the idea of devouring us, body and soul. Or maybe I was just imagining that. You try reading the expression of a ghost of ash and dust wearing a roiling mass of splintered timbers and shattered stones for a cloak.

"Coria." The last Judge wore the armour of a long-buried Roman Legionary and lounged on a stone couch instead of a throne. Its face was startlingly human, until you looked close enough to realise that it was formed from hundreds of painted mosaic tiles. Which made it all the more disturbing when the Kami aimed a dreamy smile in our direction.

 

[Appello]

Personally I really feel it would be improved if you attempted to incorporate the description into the action of the story, rather than straight narrative voice to the reader as it currently stands. It just slows the story right down and even cut as it is in the second version, still amounts to over 8 sentences of pure description. Too much, in my opinion.

Also, it depends on what kind of a role these Kami are going to play in your story. Unless they are prominent and re-occurring characters I just don't think you can justify spending so much time/description on them. Although I don't know your story, my immediate impression is that this is a 'scene' that your protagonist is moving through en route to elsewhere and that these particular characters aren't going to play a huge role in the rest of the story. As such I just can't invest fully in such a detailed description.

I think this might be a case of killing your darlings. You're attached to the descriptions and I can see why, as they're written beautifully and are full of imaginary cleverness and good imagery. But overall your story will benefit from taking these out and trying to incorporate them *into* the story, rather than forcing your story to a halt to indulge in good, but irrelevant (storywise), description.

 

[Martin Gill]

Personally I really feel it would be improved if you attempted to incorporate the description into the action of the story,

I'm in complete agreement. I love the descriptions, but it is like the action stops and we spend some time taking in the scenery. If you drip-feed what you have in between some speech and action that would change it I feel. I assume what follows is some kind of conversation, so could you drop the descriptions in as they begin to contribute?

 

[pambaddeley]

Diana Wynne Jones has the same idea of towns as huge people in one of her books, but they actually interact with her main characters and perform roles in the plot so maybe you need to do something similar?

 

[Inari Writer]

Thanks for the feedback guys. I'm going to write the conversation between Inari and the Judges then go back and see if interweaving the character intros with the 'action' will make the scene read better.

(I signed up to Netflix again recently and my productivity just fell through the floor).