Thumar book cover, and back of book blurb.

[Tim Murray]

That's something for the others to discuss. They may wish to weigh in on the phrasing of that last bit, too -- it was very much off-the-cuff, and I'm not totally enthralled with it yet. But I think we're making progress!

Thanks, it's a lot closer than it was.

 

[thaddeus6th]

I don't think the fonts necessarily need to match. Sometimes having the author name and title together works, but here I agree with you that they'd look better top and bottom (doesn't matter which way around, I think).

Blurb fisking [NB not great at these myself and I've deliberately not checked what others say so I can offer my own thoughts only]:
Derak Jamar III and Shesain Andehar are literally from different worlds. So why can’t he get her off of his mind? - axe 'of'. Whilst I tend to use this, I quite often get beaten by beta-readers.

He finds himself irresistibly drawn into a relationship that will be the most incredible experience of his life. - does read a bit like mixing tenses. Stick with present.

Derak grew up in poverty in twenty-fifth century New York City. Only his intense drive to succeed saved him from becoming lost to the city’s gangs. He chose the discipline of martial arts and the rigor of education instead. Through the development of his exceptional skills, he rose to become a senior naval officer and was appointed to its representative to the planet Thumar. - and this is past. Maybe could be a little more visceral (so, 'city's gangs' could have a reference to bloodshed and needle-strewn alleyways or suchlike) if it fits.

Shesain Andehar is Derak’s equal, both in status and intellect. - reads a bit dry. 'match for him' or similar (probably sharpen, I'm just making it up quickly).

She is the ambassador of Thumar and a member of its elite. Before he can truly understand this marvelous planet, - too dry. 'Dripping with privilege'/'her streets were paved with gold, his with used needles' and what's marvellous about the planet? Wealth? Water volcanoes? Tech level? Free lapdances for new arrivals?

a catastrophic event threatens them all. - probably can't expand on this without spoiling things, so I think it's probably fine as is.

 

[tinkerdan]

The thumbnail indicates maybe a need for more white border or different text shade.

The cover art is good--I think.

Once you change the position of the Title and author it should look better.
I would make both more prominent.

Like this:: Using whatever font you want::

 

[thaddeus6th]

Might be worth having a fiddle, reducing the author name size so the moon and air/spacecraft has a bit more room?

[For the record, I'm even worse with my own stuff, I'm not only picky for other people's].

 

[tinkerdan]

The title and author name are the most important items here.
Framed this way they draw the eye to the picture in between.
I really hate those thumbnails where the author's name looks like this ~~~~~~~~ or ------------------ or ...........................
Perhaps the picture can be adjusted to better center; however the size of author name is [as large as will fit].

I'm not suggesting you can't sell with the author listed as
Some Unknown Person. and even in small letters.
And there are a lot that are Pseudonyms.
However I find that Author Name has as much weight as the Title. It's great to have a pretty picture in between. But even after the author and title the next thing is the Blurb.

So maybe the reviews or comments can be there but in smaller type than the blurb.

Author
Title
Blurb
or
Title
Author
Blurb
then;
picture[design]

 

[Phyrebrat]

Oh, I'm not sure the author name should have more weight than the picture if you've never heard of the author.

Of course, I can see it might be important if someone is rifling through a load of different authors thumbnails, or you want to search specifically by name, but I'd argue the opposite when you're reduced to thumbnails. I'd say the title and picture are far more important.

Oh, I'm not a self-pubbed author and have very little experience, but I do know human nature; we do like something shiny.

pH

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I keep coming back to this bit.

Her exotic beauty and intoxicating pheromones have proven useful in her profession, and in luring the only man in the galaxy who is equal to her.

First, it sounds like she deliberately lured him, so if that's not the case, you might want to rethink that.

Second, but most important -- you're supposed to be selling her most important attributes here, and you're telling us that the main thing about Shesain is that she's pretty and smells good. If there is truly only one man in the galaxy who's equal to her, then obviously there must be more than that. There's a great demand for kick-ass female characters, so tell us why she's the one we're looking for.

 

[Tim Murray]

I keep coming back to this bit.



First, it sounds like she deliberately lured him, so if that's not the case, you might want to rethink that.

Second, but most important -- you're supposed to be selling her most important attributes here, and you're telling us that the main thing about Shesain is that she's pretty and smells good. If there is truly only one man in the galaxy who's equal to her, then obviously there must be more than that. There's a great demand for kick-ass female characters, so tell us why she's the one we're looking for.

How about her exotic beauty and sharp intellect...
In Thumar's universe, there's a saying, "once a Thumarian woman has you in her sights, you've already lost." They have a way of getting the man they are after.

 

[tinkerdan]

I think::
And that's probably where I went wrong:
so maybe I should say when I read this::

Shesain Andehar is the ambassador of Thumar. Her exotic beauty and intoxicating pheromones have proven useful in her profession, and in luring the only man in the galaxy who is equal to her.

After the part that explains how they are from different worlds; and this seems to have double meaning after reading about him and his struggle to bring himself above his station of birth.
They might not have that much in common and one wonders if the word equal really touches what you are trying to express.

If I take all that is written above then there might not be equality; unless::

He has exotic beauty and intoxicating pheromones, which would make sense since those were just mentioned in the sentence above just before the declaration of equality.

Other than being Ambassador of Thumar we don't know much about Shesain. Are you intimating that she too worked her way from a lower station to obtain the position she now holds.
My thought is that if they are equal::

Derak grew up in poverty in twenty-fifth century New York City. Only his intense drive to succeed saved him from becoming lost to the city’s gangs. He chose the discipline of martial arts and the rigor of education instead. Now, he’s a senior naval officer and the Alliance’s representative to the planet Thumar.

:: She needs a description to match the one quoted here for him.

Her exotic beauty and intoxicating pheromones seem irrelevant.

One side note::

Derak Jamar III and Shesain Andehar are literally from different worlds.

This is a case where literally might be relevant(under the right circumstance); however I think it literally damages the sentence.

 

[Tim Murray]

Here it is, what makes Shesain some one to root for, I hope.

"Derak Jamar III and Shesain Andehar are from different worlds. So why can’t he get her off his mind? He finds himself irresistibly drawn into a relationship that will be the most incredible experience of his life, and could be his last.


Derak grew up in poverty in twenty-fifth century New York City. Only his intense drive to succeed saved him from becoming lost to the city’s gangs. He chose the discipline of martial arts and the rigor of education instead. Now, he’s a senior naval officer and the Alliance’s representative to the planet Thumar.


Shesain Andehar is the ambassador of Thumar. Her exotic beauty and sharp intellect have proven useful in her profession. More than one diplomatic rival has made the mistake of underestimating her. As Derak begins to fall in love with this marvelous planet, and Shesain, a gamma ray burst is on course to destroy them all. He has seven days."

 

[Cat's Cradle]

He finds himself irresistibly drawn into a relationship that will be the most incredible experience of his life, and could be his last.

Could be his last relationship, or could be the last incredible experience of his life...? We find out later, but this seems a bit ambiguously written, for a first paragraph of a blurb.

 

[TheDustyZebra]

I don't like it without the "literally" -- it's very dull that way, and doesn't really seem to have anything to do with why he can't get her off his mind.

The "could be his last" bit that CC points out above is, of course, my phrasing, and I agree -- it is a bit ambiguous.

I'm not sure you've really added anything useful to Shesain in that last paragraph. She still seems like eye candy, not kickass heroine. What does she do? What are her accomplishments, her background, her hopes and dreams? Not that any of that needs to go here, but we need to get a feel for it, anyway. He's overcome adversity and escaped the gang life to become a respected dignitary -- how did she get to where she's at, besides by being pretty and smelling good? Did her daddy give her the job, was she bitten by a radioactive spider, did she pick up a big hammer, did she kill off all her rivals and win the lightning round in a battle of wits, or what?

 

[Cat's Cradle]

Sorry, Dusty! (I see now you suggested it, but did so hoping, I would think, that it would be rewritten.)

To be honest, I wasn't thinking necessarily about the meaning (though this could be rewritten in a more concise way); I don't really write, but I do read, and I would think a blurb is the chance to hook a potential buyer of your product. And I would think well-written, concise, informative sentences would be the best way to tempt a reader. If I saw a blurb that was indifferently written, I would worry the rest of the book might be written that way, too. Just my thoughts, CC

edit - sorry - not that this is indifferently written. That sentence just stood out for me.

 

[tinkerdan]

In this instance the fact that they are from different planets is obvious.
The literally begins to suggest(to me)that there is also an unspoken difference between the way they came up in life to their present stations.
However there is no evidence in the background of Shesain to support this and for all that we know they could have similarity in their lives in that respect(I don't know).

This all begs the question, how is it that they are perfect for each other. Is it they fit like a hand and glove or they match like two peas in a pod.
They could be a fit because they come from different backgrounds and planets or they could be a fit because, though they come from different planets their backgrounds are so similar that they will transcend possible cultural differences.

As a whole I get a feel that this might be a romance base on pheromone and physical attraction(which would be rather weak).

Whereas the end of the blurb would suggest(to me) they are(want to be) star-crossed lovers who are doomed because the universe or someone in it is out to make sure whatever it is they have is ended.

Still there is nothing presenting the case for why he might be anything more than infatuated and under the influence of chemistry. And for that I think it is because we don't know that much about him as it is and we still know less about her. The being literally from different worlds helps only to make it that much more inexplicable.

So this story is about an inexplicable love that's going to end in seven days.

But perhaps that was Shakespeare's synopsis.

This is the story of an inexplicable love that will end in five days.

 

[Stephen Palmer]

I've held off from commenting on this thread, but I just can't help it...

Tim, I'm not sure "M. Timothy Murray" is a good byeline. It smacks of M. John Harrison - of whom there is only one - and it doesn't at all trip off the tongue when you say it. Timothy Murray would imo be much better, or even Tim Murray. Just a thought.

 

[Tim Murray]

I've held off from commenting on this thread, but I just can't help it...

Tim, I'm not sure "M. Timothy Murray" is a good byeline. It smacks of M. John Harrison - of whom there is only one - and it doesn't at all trip off the tongue when you say it. Timothy Murray would imo be much better, or even Tim Murray. Just a thought.

Funny thing, my writers group brought up the same point. I will think on it, thanks for the suggestion.

As per Shesain's qualifications, she did not have a rough life at all, in fact, it was easy compared to Derak. That being the case, only one sentence can properly describe her up bringing. I hope that it does not water down her significance.


"Derak Jamar III and Shesain Andehar are literally from different worlds. So why can’t he get her off his mind? He finds himself irresistibly drawn into a relationship that will be the most incredible experience of his life.


Derak grew up in poverty in twenty-fifth century New York City. Only his intense drive to succeed saved him from becoming lost to the city’s gangs. He chose the discipline of martial arts and the rigor of education instead. Now, he’s a senior naval officer and the Alliance’s representative to the planet Thumar.


Shesain Andehar is the ambassador of Thumar. She was raised in the elite upper echelon of Thumarian society. Her exotic beauty and sharp intellect have proven useful in her profession. More than one diplomatic rival has made the mistake of underestimating her. As Derak begins to fall in love with this marvelous planet, and Shesain, a gamma ray burst is on course to destroy them all. He has seven days."