Short Story - A Time of Toil and Trouble - 862 words

[Charles Gull]

"and the wind wasn't blowing so I was standing behind the bar of"

How about 'the wind wasn't blowing so I was stood behind the bar, rather than scuttling about underneath it'

 

[TitaniumTi]

I know I mentioned it on first review but I'm still a bit confused over "and the wind wasn't blowing so I was standing behind the bar of"

I was aiming to intrigue, not confuse. But it's good to learn where I've missed the mark and where I've hit it.

Or does he only become a rat when the wind blows?

Yes. It's hinted at in the second version...

Sorcerous humour enjoyed cruel tricks, such as casting spells that worked when the wind blew, in the windiest place on Earth.

...but I think I'll re-write the beginning, so that it starts with the witch walking into the bar, shows that he distrusts witches, and then tells the reader why.

How about 'the wind wasn't blowing so I was stood behind the bar, rather than scuttling about underneath it'

I might use something like this, after I've explained that a witch turned him into a 'windy-day-rat'.

 

[Appello]

I narrowed my eyes. Was she telling the truth? I wasn’t sure that witches ever told the truth. Even if she was, how much did it matter? Newton’s Proof held the easily-defensible high ground above the only pass through the Alps separating the rival Kingdoms of Snowscope and Atchen. Too small to be called a city state, it nevertheless maintained its independence by virtue of its inaccessibility. Both Snowscope and Atchen had tried to annex it many times, of course. Control of Newton’s Proof would allow them to sweep down on their neighbour and, perhaps more importantly, prevent their neighbour from sweeping down on them. All their efforts had been unsuccessful. Travellers were welcomed in Newton’s Proof, but the town maintained a careful watch over the roads that scrambled up from east and west. Once an army was detected, it was a mundane task to send an avalanche or landslide down onto the vanguard.

I liked the piece overall but this paragraph is a massive info-dump. Particularly if this is early in the story as it appears to be, I don't think you need to be conveying that level of geographical detail to your reader. The first five sentences alone are more than enough to give a broad overview of what's going on, and the information that follows after can be inferred well enough. Everything else, from "Too small" all the way through to "vanguard" is just overkill and unnecessary, imo.

I'm also a little uncertain as to your tone. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be viewing this interaction as a sort of light-hearted, Terry Pratchett-esque fantasy, or if there are meant to be darker undertones. There's not a lot of clues either way, and some of the hints seem contradictory (eg. her warning seems quite serious in isolation but the dialogue and conversation itself is very relaxed/casual; he mentions several times his dislike of witches but when it comes down to it he seems perfectly willing to take her word and acquiesce).

The idea is good though, and I would probably read more. But for the love of god, don't turn the witch into a Mary Sue (your description is borderline but I think you can get away with it so long as it doesn't go overboard later on).

 

[Charles Gull]

Mary Sue

Who be dat den?

 

[TitaniumTi]

I liked the piece overall but this paragraph is a massive info-dump. Particularly if this is early in the story as it appears to be, I don't think you need to be conveying that level of geographical detail to your reader. The first five sentences alone are more than enough to give a broad overview of what's going on, and the information that follows after can be inferred well enough. Everything else, from "Too small" all the way through to "vanguard" is just overkill and unnecessary, imo.

That's fair comment. I could use some of it in later dialogue, so that Jack does not acquiesce with the witch too easily.

I'm also a little uncertain as to your tone. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be viewing this interaction as a sort of light-hearted, Terry Pratchett-esque fantasy, or if there are meant to be darker undertones.

I started the story because I wanted to write something humorous, then it took on a life of its own. Would it work as humour with darker undertones, do you think?

The idea is good though, and I would probably read more. But for the love of god, don't turn the witch into a Mary Sue

Nope. The story is firmly centred around Jack. However, I agree that the witch's description as dark-haired and slender is trite. I'm not sure about pretty vs beautiful, which I hope tells the reader something about witches, or Jack's attitude to them.

 

[pambaddeley]

A Mary Sue is a character that all the other characters love and who is perfect - don't think there's much chance of her being that if she's a witch and witches are known in this world for their nasty sense of humour and feared.