The Quantum Accident

[Hoverdasher]

The following is a modern sin against all of English Grammar--as well as the current writing industry, on the whole. As may be the case, I yet chose to begin my novel with a prologue.

I would like to receive the following: Critique that is as hard as nails. I am not seeking rude or demeaning, but pure truth-ore.

Pretend you are the editor of some grand publishing house. You just now sit to reading this exert.

I want to hear what you are thinking out loud, when I'm not listening.

I spent ten years composing this novel, and have failed to gain publication. Therefore, something has gone terrifically wrong, and I can't see the forest for all the towering coniferous trunks before me! To boot, it's dark--and I keep knocking up against the formidable things!

Giving me the truth means the bad and the ugly, but it also means giving me the truth concerning the good you find within.

This novel is written for children--intended to be indexed under, YA. Yet, the story is not written at the proper Lexile level for youngsters to sneak away and read it on their own.

This is a story designed for reading aloud about the hearth; it is a story designed for the enjoyment of the entire family.

The Quantum Accident

Disambiguation

In autumn, 1941, an unsung incident occurred on Planet Earth's North American continent. An eleven-year-old girl, her thirteen-year-old brother--recently estranged via verbally binding divorce--and a bitter old maid lay crumpled and lifeless on the face of Terralandrian soil.

The girl's body lay crumpled beneath a large duffel bag; her location being the shoulder of northbound Interstate Number Thirty-Five.

The boy's body lay on a dirt path leading toward southbound Interstate Number Thirty-Five.

The maid lay unconscious--her black, heeled boots pointed at awkward angles toward the ceiling of her sitting room floor, within a humble white house just outside St. Paul, Minnesota.

Each incident made local news, only.

However, as days turned into weeks, and weeks to months and years, the details connecting the three incidents began to spread as rumor throughout the Terran world. Next, the story spread to other, nearby universes--some nearer to you at this very moment, than three-hundred-trillionths the breadth of a single strand of human hair.

It was required of me--by the Dean of Chesterton, no less, that I put an end to all the rumors, confirming these with the truth about what happened that fateful year. Speaking honestly, the appointment did not in the least experience me with anything like the happiness a tidy dissertation or formal treatise would have provided me.

I am a quantum associate professor. This is how all my excursions began. I was thus coerced and pressured by my own peers--forced to taking youngsters, ranging from the early forms through preparatory school--taking them from this uni-moon planet on recollection tours, abroad.

Although I began with a belief that this was quite below my aptitude, I have since been brought to my senses.

It was fall term, 2741, and though I had meant to be quite a bit more interesting--to the point, more peculiar--instead, there I came hobbling along: point, line, form and tesseract!

And, would you believe it! those early formers!

They would have me polishing up some old tub of a vessel, through which they might be transported, as I did rustle through the vast Rolodex of my memoirs.

Still, when my first voyage was upon me--it was attended with many waters of the deepest woe: as many as one may imagine. Though all was bright for my guests, it was the blackest of bleak, from my perspective. Yet, I rose to the challenge. I took on my very first tour, continually praying that my own cherished professor-ship should straight away--sink!

"I am a quantum professor, youngsters: refer to me as, Hoverdasher. I shall be your reluctant guide."

Believe it or not, this truly was how it all began back in twenty-seven-hundred-forty-one. This was how a great show came of playing and replaying the 1941, Quantum Accident.

Come, now. I shall straight-away show you the story

.

 

[J Riff]

Okay - three unreported incidents, not one unsung one. Maybe a bit early to drop in 'Terralandrian' and then leaving it sit there.
'days turned into weeks, and weeks to months, THEN years,'
Mutiple universes also kind of dropped in a bit casually.
"the appointment did not in the least (experience)? me with anything like the happiness a tidy dissertation or formal treatise would have provided. (me)."
If you have had this around for years, well don't ditch it - rewrite it, primarily removing things. At worst it's a draft, like everything starts out, even if it takes ten yrs. to get around to tightening it. *

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Okay... firstly it's not a fail not to get a publisher. It's very normal. (Also if this is for your family - I think you said so in another post - self publishing is a very valid option)

I think the reasons you are not getting interest probably include:

No early hook. You have 250 words to get a hook in there, a question or hint that will make someone want to read on. I don't think this happens.

Telling, not showing. This may be deliberate given what you hope to achieve but it will make it harder to get anyone interested. If you are determined to tell your story in this way then, again, self publishing may be the better option as you have complete freedom.

Not enough happening and when it does it is distant from the character and doesn't immerse us.

There are a couple of options:

1. See above - self publishing and change nothing
2. Work through crits here and look at comments on opening segments - what people look for, what works
3. Look for a writing book that explains about modern novel writing (there are plenty around but I am not that knowledgeable about which does which but someone like Brian Turner might know)
4. Join a writing group and get their help with structure etc.

But if you want interest and have your heart set on trad publishing I suspect you need a different approach to storytelling.

 

[The Judge]

I have to agree with Jo, I'm afraid. I read very little YA -- usually only when I'm seduced by a lovely cover so I don't bother to read the blurb and find out it is YA -- but as far as I can see, the style of this opening is really not at all current practice. That's not to say it's wrong, just that if you were hoping for a mainstream trad publisher you're really unlikely to get anywhere with this style.

I do question, though, whether it's YA that you mean, since as you seem to acknowledge it's a story for younger children, albeit one they can't read easily for themselves. If that is the case, then you're doing yourself no favours even describing it as YA, which -- as I understand it, but Jo and eg Juliana are far better placed to confirm -- is specifically directed at teenagers and deals with particular teenage-y angsty issues. You've posted on the "What qualifies as YA?" thread I see, but it might be worthwhile just thinking hard about this point, as I can't image teenagers are really the market for reading aloud around the hearth, especially not something which has the air of being unfashionably didactic. At least, not those teenagers who are immersed in current popular YA fiction.

There are two ways to go:

• Look at the current market for the age range for which you want to write, and adapt your writing style to fit -- which for mainstream YA is basically going to mean a very different, more immediately hooky opening, and without the adult and perhaps not immediately engaging tone of your narrator.
  
• Look for a market which fits your writing style. I'm not at all knowledgeable about eg Christian home-schooling in the US, but I wonder if something like that group of readers might be more amenable to what you're looking to achieve here.

If you choose the first option, then yes, you'll need to rip this opening up and start again. Get hold of a load of well-selling YA books, read and analyse them, and see how they work, especially so far as the opening chapters are concerned.

If you want to keep your present style, then the choice is either look around for a publishing entity which fits or take the plunge and self-publish. However, I still think you could do with tightening your prose and making it a bit more enthralling from the get-go, which might well include dumping this prologue and jumping straight into the story. My critiquing speciality is nit-picking, ie looking for infelicities of wording and the like in an attempt to make the prose shine to its best advantage, and I can see a good many things here I'd red-pen, but that's an issue for another day, I think.

So, decision time. However you decide to go, good luck with it!


PS As I've mentioned, we've two new Writing Challenges coming up on 1 October and I'd recommend you take part in them, as they're great exercises in writing. While you're waiting for them to start, it might be worth your while having a look at the last few of both the 75 worders and the 300s, and also at the two "Improving..." threads where members can ask for help in polishing their entries once the particular Challenge is over. That will help you see how it's possible to write in a more compact way without losing plot or atmosphere.

 

[Hoverdasher]

Thank you to each one of you for taking the time to stop in and critique this prologue. I must say, I concede. Among all the chapters in this story, I decided to post the one I felt was the greatest train wreck. I only included a prologue to introduce the quantum narrator--to make it clear to the reader what would be the point of view within the story. I think I did this to save Hoverdasher, because I am actually--have been for a long time--thinking about creatively destroying this character, splitting the point of view between the two human siblings, and moving on without Hoverdasher. He had grown on me, thus this decision has had me at a stand still.

The actual first chapter casts the reader into the events, which culminate in the actual accident. The prologue is not necessary if I creatively destroy Professor Hoverdasher. His syntax and grammar are not conventional--he is not from this universe, and this 'gets onto the reader's nerves' pretty quickly.

I'm going to step back, and rewrite the beginning--minus the prologue. I will do this without Hoverdasher, as the reset of the characters do not speak in terms and phrases that are unconventional, as Hoverdasher does--throughout.

These critiques were useful. I had a feeling this truth would be revealed (I thinking I already knew, yet had come to so adore Hoverdasher).

I appreciate your time and your critique and suggestions. Now, I must get to work making the appropriate changes. It will be awhile before I have something substantial to post for critique, again.

Yours,
Sincerely
H

 

[Hoverdasher]

May I ask you all a question?

First, I have just decided to alter the ages of the children to my original ages of 8-years-old, for Autumn Joy and 9-years-old, for Tyler Rain--turning this into a children's novel, yes, but here is where my question comes into play.

The Lexile level of the Wind in the Willows exceeds that of even YA fiction, yet it is a children's book. The main of my story is similar to Wind in the Willows in writing style and character/relationship development--only with a lot more bumps along the way. So, here goes: I would like to categorize my novel under a similar category to Wind in the Willows. What is the name of this category? I am not going to let go my reading level throughout the rest of the book--though I am cutting Hoverdasher. Here is an example of why youngsters cannot sneak away and read this book on their own:

"The first of Riverwood's creatures to begin feeling restless was, General Gregory Mackey--protector of the county, usually. The general survived each monotonous year by looking forward to his retreat of summertime entertainments. The stalwart armadillo-like creature prided himself in his vast collection of fishing poles and other equipment. The general kept the sternest of watch over his thirteen fishing pole cadets, each of which he'd anchored securely into the river's bank. His pacing was a perfectly timed cadence..."

Just a random paragraph in the midst of the book--in Saiyandria--the twin sister universe to ours. Is there a category for this sort of prose, or do I transpose all this as well? Why, I even have a mouse-like creature--the interim governor--who suffers from a lust for the Calculus, and thinks to solve the counties surmounting troubles by taking the derivative and dividing by two!

Where is this to be categorized? I've never discovered anything similar, save classic children's read-aloud books.

Humbly,

H.

 

[The Judge]

I can't help much here, since I've absolutely no contact with children's books. However, I think it's dangerous to use a book published over 100 years ago as any kind of guide, even for category purposes. When WitW was written the children's book scene was very different from how it is now, and if it retains any place in the life of present day 10 year olds and younger, it's surely as a result of nostalgia on the part of parents/grandparents plus further publicity from the stage shows. A new book just isn't going to have those advantages.

Your best bet is to research the current market for books aimed at that age group, and then make a decision as to how you wish to proceed. If you want to keep your style, then again it's a question of looking hard for a market for the kind of book you want to write -- a small publisher may well be your best bet in that case -- or self-publishing and promoting heavily at libraries and the like. Thinking about it, we may in the past have had a thread or two about children's books. I'll have a look, see if I can find anything which might be of help.

By the way, I know you've not put it there for these purposes, but would you like me to give a once-over of your armadillo paragraph to show you the kind of thing I mean by nit-picking? (Just say no if you don't want it!)

 

[Brian G Turner]

@Hoverdasher - have a read of Wonderbook by Jeff Vandermeer: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1419704427/?tag=id2100-20

It explains - comprehensively - pretty much everything a fiction writer needs to know, from the basics to more advanced tools. Reading that should hopefully help you shape your writing into something you can be better pleased with.

 

[The Judge]

Right, there's this thread started by The Bluestocking which gives details of a children's publisher and requirements Lerner Publishing Group - Call for Fantasy MG/YA Manuscripts and I think there's some helpful stuff here, including some links, as The Storyteller is also writing children's fiction and wanted some advice Blah blah age range blah blah blah . There may be some older threads, too, but I'm going cross-eyed searching for middle-grade!

Plus, I found a post by Juliana which refers to her membership of the Society of Children's Book Writers and Illustrators which sounds like a good place to belong if you write children's books, and (Juliana's quote) "I'm talking anything from picture books up to YA".

 

[Martin Gill]

However, I think it's dangerous to use a book published over 100 years ago as any kind of guide, even for category purposes.

I have to agree here. As folks have pointed out, literary style has changed significantly, so if you want to commercially publish this, rather than self-publish, I'd heed the above advice.

As for my reaction, I confess I read the start of the prologue and was utterly baffled, and I'm 45 and a pro editor, not your target audience. Your sentence structure makes it hard to unpick your meaning in places. I found myself reading, rereading, then dissecting sentences to work out what you were getting at. Without going too deep, I'll analyse one sentence to show you what I mean...

"An eleven-year-old girl, her thirteen-year-old brother--recently estranged via verbally binding divorce--and a bitter old maid lay crumpled and lifeless on the face of Terralandrian soil."

• You start a list - "a girl, a boy..." then throw in a sub-clause (I'll come back to that) which breaks the list, so when I read "and a bitter old maid" you are forcing me to remember, "oh yeah, there's a list."
• "bitter" - how do we know she's bitter?
• "maid" Housemaid? Milkmaid? French maid? slightly archaic language for a spinster?
• "recently estranged via verbally binding divorce" Who? Their parents? The siblings? Can siblings divorce? "Verbally binding" eh? That begs explanation.
• "on the face of the Terralandrian soil." Does soil have a face? I had to Google "Terralandrian". You told us this happens on "planet Earth" (weird way to phrase it - why not just Earth?). You then say later the kids are lying near I35, but the maid is indoors, so she isn't technically lying on soil.

Individually, these are all pretty minor points, but I'm pulling this sentence apart to try to illustrate my reaction to the piece. Man, you made me work hard. I have to think about almost every word, it's placement in the sentence. The sentence's relation to previous and coming ones. There isn't an easy flow here, and its compounded by the fact that you don't start with a character, you start with in almost police procedural incident report language, so by the time the professor is introduced, I'm like, whatever...

The feedback above is good. I'd take the time to process it and come back and give us another go.

 

[cyprus7]

Is the professor to be the protagonist of this story? I ask, because as a reader I'm looking to identify with a protagonist (someone to 'root for' and identify with as the story unfolds) quite soon in a tale. And although I understand that your excerpt is from a prologue, my preference is that the protagonist is at least alluded to there even if he/she is not yet directly involved.

 

[Hoverdasher]

Is the professor to be the protagonist of this story? I ask, because as a reader I'm looking to identify with a protagonist (someone to 'root for' and identify with as the story unfolds) quite soon in a tale. And although I understand that your excerpt is from a prologue, my preference is that the protagonist is at least alluded to there even if he/she is not yet directly involved.

The professor is merely the narrator. The story is too complex to do P. O. V. through the two protagonists, a brother and sister. But, after this critique, I think I'm better off creatively destroying Hoverdasher. The disambiguation is cold, because Professor Hoverdasher begins this undertaking by being coerced into it by his peers--he'd rather put up a dull dissertation, with which he would be far more comfortable. It's just not flying. Thus, a ten year undertaking will need to be another many years undoing and re-doing. I'm fifty. And, I've spent a lot of time on it, enough to be ready for something new. The thought of re-doing Quantum Accident makes me shudder.

I thank you for your questions.

 

[Hoverdasher]

I have to agree here. As folks have pointed out, literary style has changed significantly, so if you want to commercially publish this, rather than self-publish, I'd heed the above advice.

As for my reaction, I confess I read the start of the prologue and was utterly baffled, and I'm 45 and a pro editor, not your target audience. Your sentence structure makes it hard to unpick your meaning in places. I found myself reading, rereading, then dissecting sentences to work out what you were getting at. Without going too deep, I'll analyse one sentence to show you what I mean...

"An eleven-year-old girl, her thirteen-year-old brother--recently estranged via verbally binding divorce--and a bitter old maid lay crumpled and lifeless on the face of Terralandrian soil."

• You start a list - "a girl, a boy..." then throw in a sub-clause (I'll come back to that) which breaks the list, so when I read "and a bitter old maid" you are forcing me to remember, "oh yeah, there's a list."
• "bitter" - how do we know she's bitter?
• "maid" Housemaid? Milkmaid? French maid? slightly archaic language for a spinster?
• "recently estranged via verbally binding divorce" Who? Their parents? The siblings? Can siblings divorce? "Verbally binding" eh? That begs explanation.
• "on the face of the Terralandrian soil." Does soil have a face? I had to Google "Terralandrian". You told us this happens on "planet Earth" (weird way to phrase it - why not just Earth?). You then say later the kids are lying near I35, but the maid is indoors, so she isn't technically lying on soil.

Individually, these are all pretty minor points, but I'm pulling this sentence apart to try to illustrate my reaction to the piece. Man, you made me work hard. I have to think about almost every word, it's placement in the sentence. The sentence's relation to previous and coming ones. There isn't an easy flow here, and its compounded by the fact that you don't start with a character, you start with in almost police procedural incident report language, so by the time the professor is introduced, I'm like, whatever...

The feedback above is good. I'd take the time to process it and come back and give us another go.

I apologize for all the work. I think I am a dilettante. Someone who has an intense interest in something, yet quite sucks at it. I thank you for your feedback. I'm fifty. I've worked on this book ten years, and I'm ready for something new. So, I may go back to college and just be a teacher--fifth grade, maybe. As for Quantum Accident--it is not an easy read for anyone, period. It will cause any reader the offense of having to go through the work you went through. Just as my fav. authors did to me. This book is misplaced in time. No reader would NOT be offended by the work involved. I haven't even introduced you to the mouse-like creature with a lust for the Calculus, who is a governor thinking she can solve the county's problems by taking limits or taking the derivative and dividing by two! lol. I really do apologize for making you do all that work. "The face of the Earth." The face of Terralandrian soil. I created the term, Terralandria, as the twin universe to ours is named, Saiyandria--but only a quantum professor at Chesterton University would know all that. How could we know this.

Finally, the disambiguation introduces us to a narrator who was coerced into doing something out of his passion; something he believes to be below his aptitude. It was supposed to read as a dry lab report. It is not the story. It is not even Chapter Zero--where readers are suddenly plunged into a story that will have them upside-down with confusion over what has just happened, thus in Chapter Four-Divided-by-Zero, the Quantum Accident is replayed, with greater attention to details.

I overshot. The story is to convoluted. Yet, what a loss. It is phenomenally beautiful. I hate waste. And that is what this may, in fact, be. Still, I can leave the manuscript to my children--that'll teach 'em! lol (just teasing)

If I post for critique again, I'll make sure I simplify everything. I like to work hard; this is what makes me a dilettante--someone who is interested in something they are not good at doing.

H.

 

[Hoverdasher]

This is why prologues are out. I never once intended to hook anyone with a prologue--just introduce the professor, which I now know to do apart from a prologue.

 

[Hoverdasher]

Just a few notes.

In this story, the Quantum Accident:

Because the children and maid do not get into a parallel universe via magic (instead, via scientific accident), it
just
seems
impossible to compose the accident apart from an omniscient Point of View.

Once the story begins in the twin universe, Saiyandria, Hoverdasher’s voice pretty much becomes unnoticeable, though he is still narrating the entire story. Right now, we are still in our own Terran universe—we are on planet Earth.

Hoverdasher names our universe, Terralandria.

The two chapters following this one, intimately introduce the two siblings—Tyler Rain and Autumn Joy. They also introduce the bitter old maid (defined as an old woman who never married, which is addressed later in the tale, over in Saiyandria).

Chapter Zero takes the reader into the midst of a chaotic event—two science experiments run-a-muck. It does not intimately introduce the characters, save Julia Haberdasher—in this exert—and Professor Jack Upshot, in the early parts of Chapter Zero. As well, to keep this short, not even Professor Julia Haberdasher seems well introduced. Chapter Zero is about 2300 words, in length. I am only putting up around 550 words, here, for critique.

I cannot overstate how very complicated is the actual accident.

Finally, I needed your critiques. Please, again, make your critiques of this exert hard as nails. I need the truth.

Five-Hundred-Fifty Words

The Quantum Accident

(Exert from the end of)

************************************************************


Chapter Zero

The time has now gotten to be 3:22AM. As you can see, the boy appears extremely worn for having traveled a mere two hours. Still, he can make out the distant sound of a fleet of airplanes on his far right (which would be toward the west). Though quite a distance away, as well as holding a decent altitude, Tyler Rain pauses, turning to look toward them. A satisfied smile comes over his face when he merely sees their humbly flickering lights; for a moment the boy seems to perk up a bit.

Keep pace, travelers. Keep pace. We must return to our lady professor. It seems that her face has turned a rather pale shade of peach, after having finished some calculations using a thick book of what are called logarithms. She suddenly freezes, looking toward the east. She speaks, “Dear God…”

Professor Julia Haberdasher swiftly moves away from her forest, toward the front of her house. There, a 1936 Studebaker sits on her rocky drive path. Having the keys ready, Julia pulls the heavy door open, climbs in and jabs a key into the ignition. With the automobile’s door yet opened, she makes haste, driving backward down the dirt drive path. She swerves hard right, and just as she presses hard on the brakes, the heavy car door slams shut, hitting her hard on the elbow and forearm.

“It’s no use. It is too late…” She says to herself.

Meanwhile, Tyler Rain is exhibiting signs of illness. He has recently stopped to guzzle water from his canteen, only to promptly double himself over and vomit this onto the ground. Taking that he is now removing his jacket, two vests, and a long-sleeved shirt, the boy must be feeling quite uncomfortably hot.

Just now, Tyler Rain’s body collapses.

The boy lays crumpled in a motionless heap upon the narrow dirt road; his green knapsack pinned to the earth beneath his slightly bent knees. His opened canteen sits gently rocking upon its broad convex side, water spilling out of it with every oscillating pitch.

The canteen’s waning oscillations eerily mirror the remnant energy of a boy who, only two hours earlier, had been so animated and brimming full of life.

The time is now 3:35AM. The date, 20 September, 1941.

Upon exiting her car, and reaching the crumpled form, Julia Haberdasher immediately falls to her knees beside the boy.

“Tyler Rain! I am here. Tyler Rain!” She shouts.

Rolling his body over, in an extremely tender and hushed frenzy, the professor checks the boy for signs of life. Upon finding no pulse, she checks for one, again. Upon finding none, again, she places the side of her face very near to his opened mouth. She listens. She strains to feel even the slightest sign of the meekest exhalation. She can detect none.

Just now, Julia looks heavenward and releases a most violent, guttural shout, which becomes as a howling cry against the unmindful, indifferent world—as so many rude spectators standing about doing nothing; as though all of them were crowding about and squeezing her to death.

 

[Brian G Turner]

It's not the events you are struggling with, but the storytelling process itself. So I'm simply going to repeat what I said in your other thread, and that's that you would benefit from reading Wonderbook by Jeff Vandermeer, as that gives you all the information you need to to write a novel.

In fact, as you've already been given a lot of advice, but have yet to digest and follow it, I'm going to move this thread to your other one, as the same criticisms in general apply.

 

[Martin Gill]

I like to work hard

I'm happy to work hard and read something that's archaically phrased, if the voice enhances the story. I love Lovecraft, Dumas and Tolkien. I love more modern authors who've captured a similar vibe - Arturo Pereze Revette or Cormac McCarthy for instance (though his lack of punctuation bugs me). But as Brian says above, you need an emotional hook. There's two main linked things I'd call out in this latest post.

1. You jump from character to character very rapidly and 2. you give us no sense of their being, or feelings other than what you externally observe. You narrate their actions and tell us what we can infer from what they are doing - "the boy seems to show signs of illness" and "he seem to perk up" rather than root the prose in their experience. This distances the reader.

You are giving very little away at this point, which is fine, but you need to hook us with a character we care enough about to follow. I'm OK being baffled by what's happening for a while as long as I can be baffled through the character's eyes, and share the ride with them.

 

[The Judge]

Right, the good news is there is some action in this new extract, and a sense of something happening. That is excellent. Unfortunately, for better or worse, the way you're telling the story is not what is expected in genre novels nowadays. The style, with an omniscient narrator talking to the reader with expressions such as "As you can see", is very old-fashioned. You're not alone in writing like this; only a couple of months ago we had another new member whose work had this same kind of narrator directly addressing the reader. It doesn't make it wrong but it does make it virtually unsellable in the current fantasy market.

As before, if you want to retain this, you will either have to search for a small press who likes this style or you'll have to self-publish. If you want to have a serious crack at a contract with a bigger publisher, you're going to have to remove the narrator.

There are various stylistic conventions (I was going to say shibboleths...) which are widely acknowledged in current fantasy novels. This post will be long enough, so I'll only deal with one of them, namely POV. I'm not sure how much you've learned about this, so apologies if this is just repeating what you already know, but I thought it might help to start from basics.

If we strip out the obvious narrator from your scene, what you've written is basically cinematic -- you cut quickly from one character to the next showing what they are doing. Which is fine for a film with its overarching omniscient eye. The great advantage of a novel, though, is the ability to delve deep into a character's thoughts and feelings, and bring a scene alive with emotion. It is possible to write from an omniscient POV, where the reader effectively eavesdrops on different characters' thoughts and ideas in the same scene, but within genre fiction it's discouraged as head-hopping. Many more knowledgeable members will assert that this or that particular writer is great at omniscient and will give learned reasons why this is so. I'm a cynic. I doubt very much there's an actual objective test for it and it's simply a question of whether you enjoy the writer's work -- if you do, it's omniscient and fine, if you don't it's head-hopping and bad. In any event, my general advice is that it's perhaps best for inexperienced writers to leave it well alone.

Underneath omniscient there are various categories of POV, and again some members have made thorough studies of POV and will give long lectures about the different types and the nuances between them. The pragmatist in me can't be doing with all that. I simply write characters and I get in close to their thoughts, almost invariably in third person in my longer work.

So, if you want to be mainstream, the easiest way to proceed is to get in close with a character's POV, in effect becoming her with her fears and hopes and concerns. The advantage is you'll remove the distance which Martin mentions and you'll gain a better emotional hook which will help keep your readers reading. The disadvantage is you're tied to that person for the length of the scene and you won't be able to show anything she can't see -- which means you can't quickly cut-cut-cut between the different locations/characters. OK, in theory you can still cut-cut-cut, all you need do is have a line break and a * to show a scene change, but doing that repeatedly for only a paragraph or two per scene isn't going to help immersion in the novel nor readability.

Here, I'd suggest you get close to Julia, which means you would have to move/remove Tyler's paragraphs before she comes upon him. That doesn't mean those paragraphs would be completely lost. Instead of doing multiple cross-cuts from one character to the next, you could start with Tyler, show all his paragraphs until he collapses, then, by using a line break and * to show the change, you cut to all Julia's scenes in sequence, ending with her finding him. Alternatively, if what he does is actually relevant and takes the story forward -- as opposed to be merely scene-setting -- later on you could have Tyler remembering what he did by way of flashback.

Having said all that, you also need to ask yourself whether this is actually the right place to start the book. Could you tell the story equally as well if this chapter is dropped and you start after the accident, when Tyler and the others find out what has happened to them? Is this, in effect, just another prologue before we get to the real action?

As to the complex accident, there are ways around it without an omniscient narrator. Here, for instance, it looks to me as if you're showing us the effects of the accident without telling us what exactly has gone wrong, and that works. If we need to know the full details of X fluid wrongly being piped into Y tube or whatever, there could be something like a short extract from a history book or a formal summary of events from a commission of enquiry -- though those also have the feel of an unnecessary prologue. So, again, think hard whether we need to know those details of the accident, or whether we can simply be thrown into the new life Julia and the others are leading and perhaps find out what happened later.

 

[Hoverdasher]

Right, the good news is there is some action in this new extract, and a sense of something happening. That is excellent. Unfortunately, for better or worse, the way you're telling the story is not what is expected in genre novels nowadays. The style, with an omniscient narrator talking to the reader with expressions such as "As you can see", is very old-fashioned. You're not alone in writing like this; only a couple of months ago we had another new member whose work had this same kind of narrator directly addressing the reader. It doesn't make it wrong but it does make it virtually unsellable in the current fantasy market.

As before, if you want to retain this, you will either have to search for a small press who likes this style or you'll have to self-publish. If you want to have a serious crack at a contract with a bigger publisher, you're going to have to remove the narrator.

There are various stylistic conventions (I was going to say shibboleths...) which are widely acknowledged in current fantasy novels. This post will be long enough, so I'll only deal with one of them, namely POV. I'm not sure how much you've learned about this, so apologies if this is just repeating what you already know, but I thought it might help to start from basics.

If we strip out the obvious narrator from your scene, what you've written is basically cinematic -- you cut quickly from one character to the next showing what they are doing. Which is fine for a film with its overarching omniscient eye. The great advantage of a novel, though, is the ability to delve deep into a character's thoughts and feelings, and bring a scene alive with emotion. It is possible to write from an omniscient POV, where the reader effectively eavesdrops on different characters' thoughts and ideas in the same scene, but within genre fiction it's discouraged as head-hopping. Many more knowledgeable members will assert that this or that particular writer is great at omniscient and will give learned reasons why this is so. I'm a cynic. I doubt very much there's an actual objective test for it and it's simply a question of whether you enjoy the writer's work -- if you do, it's omniscient and fine, if you don't it's head-hopping and bad. In any event, my general advice is that it's perhaps best for inexperienced writers to leave it well alone.

Underneath omniscient there are various categories of POV, and again some members have made thorough studies of POV and will give long lectures about the different types and the nuances between them. The pragmatist in me can't be doing with all that. I simply write characters and I get in close to their thoughts, almost invariably in third person in my longer work.

So, if you want to be mainstream, the easiest way to proceed is to get in close with a character's POV, in effect becoming her with her fears and hopes and concerns. The advantage is you'll remove the distance which Martin mentions and you'll gain a better emotional hook which will help keep your readers reading. The disadvantage is you're tied to that person for the length of the scene and you won't be able to show anything she can't see -- which means you can't quickly cut-cut-cut between the different locations/characters. OK, in theory you can still cut-cut-cut, all you need do is have a line break and a * to show a scene change, but doing that repeatedly for only a paragraph or two per scene isn't going to help immersion in the novel nor readability.

Here, I'd suggest you get close to Julia, which means you would have to move/remove Tyler's paragraphs before she comes upon him. That doesn't mean those paragraphs would be completely lost. Instead of doing multiple cross-cuts from one character to the next, you could start with Tyler, show all his paragraphs until he collapses, then, by using a line break and * to show the change, you cut to all Julia's scenes in sequence, ending with her finding him. Alternatively, if what he does is actually relevant and takes the story forward -- as opposed to be merely scene-setting -- later on you could have Tyler remembering what he did by way of flashback.

Having said all that, you also need to ask yourself whether this is actually the right place to start the book. Could you tell the story equally as well if this chapter is dropped and you start after the accident, when Tyler and the others find out what has happened to them? Is this, in effect, just another prologue before we get to the real action?

As to the complex accident, there are ways around it without an omniscient narrator. Here, for instance, it looks to me as if you're showing us the effects of the accident without telling us what exactly has gone wrong, and that works. If we need to know the full details of X fluid wrongly being piped into Y tube or whatever, there could be something like a short extract from a history book or a formal summary of events from a commission of enquiry -- though those also have the feel of an unnecessary prologue. So, again, think hard whether we need to know those details of the accident, or whether we can simply be thrown into the new life Julia and the others are leading and perhaps find out what happened later.

I appreciate you. The idea of composing the entire thing in third person appeals to me. I think I just had some idea that the accident would not be believable, unless I showed how it actually happened through all this resonant cacophony taking place between various objects and science experiments. However, maybe the reader does not need to know all this. Maybe they may forgive me for not including these details. I simply thought it was a clever idea (my ego)--a quantum slit is created, and the Minnesotan professor's (Julia) contraption begins to run-a-muck, scanning the two children and the maid, due to anomalous DNA--then transmitting them, one subatomic particle at at time through the quantum slit into the twin sister universe.

I do not think this is necessary. And, when the novel transfers from Earth to the other world, it reads so much more like a simple fantasy tale--not so bumpy, lurchy, distant. The reader is drawn near to each main character in the new world, and through a relationship between them and the humans, the reader also draws near to Tyler Rain and Autumn Joy--and even, later, the old maid (who used to be a kind, gentle nurse of children).

I'm working on getting into grad school, so I cannot reconfigure the novel at present, but I am going to print this and do the research and study you suggested--which will be time consuming, as I take my studies seriously. I won't be re-posting any more from this novel until a few years, once I've altered it, removing the omniscient narrator.

Someone mentioned about my reading and following resources and advice given. It is difficult to express that I did not do this simply because it cannot be done overnight. I've been doing a bit, yet wanted to post one final exert to make absolutely certain I was willing to cut Hoverdasher. He grew on me. It was hard for me to let go. I had to make absolutely certain I would not gain better feedback, once the narration included more action. It did not. So, I hope each person will be patient with me. I will be turning to reading and critiquing other works, and maybe submitting for critique small shorts. As for my novel...it's going to take semesters upon semesters to get this nailed down. Yet, I believe it can be done. The story is beautiful. I just need to learn how to 'storytell.'

H

 

[Hoverdasher]

I have a lot of work ahead of me. I've printed all of your words of advice and critique. It may take several years, as I am working on getting into grad school right now. I take all of your words, seriously. I only posted a second exert due to my ego--I wanted to make absolutely certain that Hoverdasher needed to be removed. He had grown on me. The decision is made. Hoverdasher is out. I'm going to re-work the novel, telling it in third person. As for P. O. V. I have much to learn about this before typing even one more word, within this novel. I appreciate you all. Thank you for such time and work put into critiquing these exerts.

Hoverdasher