The Shorewalker - Opening

[Montero]

Glad there are reasons - but it does read oddly to me in terms of character - after all she's had a long journey before the start of the book to get inured to her drop in circumstances. Also, I am afraid that where a book opens with unremitting misery, I quit. I like characters who are a bit more positive. Not necessarily having a better time, not singing kum ba ya (please, not singing that) but who come across a bit less crushed. I can see that in her actions she has got get up and go - as she has done that - but the character voice was not to my taste.
Anyway, good luck. You intrigued me enough that I've spent a bit of time on this - and I do want to know who and what the Watch are. Incidentally you are saying that the opening chapter is not all doom and gloom - well - I'm not sure that if I'd met this as a book sample on Amazon I'd have got much further - might have kept going until I discovered what the Watch are, but not beyond that unless it was beyond the doom and gloom. And again, it is not the events, but how the character is reacting to them. I mentioned Butcher's Codex Alera earlier - all sorts of manure hits the fan in that - but it is energetic and the characters are not dragged down. Infuriated, worried, but not dragged down. Just a thought for you - for folks like me you need to hint at the more energetic future sooner in your opening.

 

[Shorewalker]

The problem with the journey is that it was worse than the events that forced her into fleeing. She is on her last legs, she is pursued by demons and she has been experiencing terrifying, inexplicable 'episodes'.

As for the Watch being her salvation, she is actually not sure whether they will be. She knows little of them, she has no clue whether they will be prepared to help (or whether they actually can) and she has no money to pay them. She has become so suspicious of everybody and everything that she's not even sure she can trust them.

This is a woman that has been reduced to a husk of a human being, shorn of everything including her hair (she chops it of herself after an attempted rape). She truly believes that everything is hopeless and the over-arcing story is really about what she becomes, how she is reformed into something quite different, somebody quite different. Although the tale involves her previous life (and the calamitous events that ended it) and her desperate journey, I wanted to start with her at her very lowest, with the prior events shown only in flashbacks and portions of exposition here and there.

However, I do have an alternative start. Originally, her tale of woe is delivered in an info-dump to the Watch (in chapter 3), who want to know all the details. However, I think now that I might begin with a letter she pens to her 9 year old brother, who has been sent away for safety, just before the dukedom is sacked. It's a sort of 'last will and testimony' job, but it works better than the info dump and I believe there's a certain power in contrasting what had gone before to the dire circumstances we find her in at the start of chapter 1. There is a huge gap between the two and I would hope that this would intrigue the reader.

I've got to thank you for all the thought you've put into this and the time spent...I really do appreciate it.

 

[CTRandall]

I'm quite happy to encounter a character who has been crushed by circumstance and the world and wouldn't necessarily give up on this opening. In terms of her character, the problem seems to me that you haven't shown it clearly enough. Keeping her eyes on her feet and her reticence to speak are good but I think you could paint a stronger emotional picture through her reactions to the guards. If she's been through Hell and back, her responses may shift from fear to aggression and back in an instant, unsettling even experienced guards with worries that they're dealing with someone on the edge of sanity (they might let her onto the city simply because they don't want to deal with her themselves). She has been through extremes and you need to demonstrate that in her behaviour.

 

[Montero]

The problem with the journey is that it was worse than the events that forced her into fleeing. She is on her last legs, she is pursued by demons and she has been experiencing terrifying, inexplicable 'episodes'.

snip

This is a woman that has been reduced to a husk of a human being, shorn of everything including her hair (she chops it of herself after an attempted rape). She truly believes that everything is hopeless and the over-arcing story is really about what she becomes, how she is reformed into something quite different, somebody quite different. Although the tale involves her previous life (and the calamitous events that ended it) and her desperate journey, I wanted to start with her at her very lowest, with the prior events shown only in flashbacks and portions of exposition here and there.
.

That actually doesn't come across that well. She comes across as someone from a rich and comfortable background who has had an uncomfortable few weeks forced on her.

As for the Watch being her salvation, she is actually not sure whether they will be. She knows little of them, she has no clue whether they will be prepared to help (or whether they actually can) and she has no money to pay them. She has become so suspicious of everybody and everything that she's not even sure she can trust them.
.

In which case that is what she would be thinking of - have I done the right thing, this was my last throw of the dice, can I trust them, what do I say when I meet them, all her plans run through her head obsessively for the umpteenth time. Yes, she could be observing the town and its tattiness - but that would be as part of her thoughts about the Watch. They are in a tatty place, maybe they're cheap/are they even professional etc.

Also remember - you don't have to tell the reader everything at once. Having her arriving in the town on her last legs, thinking about the watch, meeting the watch and then doing a reveal on its all massively worse than the reader had first suspected would work for me. Which is to some extent disagreeing with CT Randall. She may be desperate and beaten down, but she has reached her goal and I think she could control herself long enough to get in through the gate. Also, I'd expect the roads to have traffic on - pedestrians included - so she has had to interact with people on her journey. She is not stumbling in out of the wilderness.

 

[Montero]

Further to previous post
1. When someone has had a traumatic experience but has a goal to achieve, sometimes they hold it together until they reach the goal - then fall apart. So has control to get past the gate guard, up to the Watch and maybe her telling the Watch what has happened either triggers the melt-down or she makes it through her "presentation" and had a melt down somewhere private afterwards. (Whatever works best for your story).

2. If you haven't already, try reading Bujold's The Hallowed Hunt. That starts with the main character riding in through a gateway. In a very different position to your MC as he is a valued retainer - but he has trauma in his past and has a personal "thing" that could still put him in danger. Look at how Bujold does the the current action and the "reveal". Masterclass story telling.

 

[Shorewalker]

This is where a 1,500 word limit doesn't work!

Here are a few little snippets from the first chapter...

*****

Huddled hungry and cold in the archway, she fretted on the conversation with the guards at the city gates. The captain’s words of warning had been sobering and she wondered whether any of this made sense, whether any of it was sane…and whether her efforts would make the slightest bit of difference anyway.

*****

Forcing one foot in front of the other, Jenn’s mood was as grim as her surroundings. In her thoughts, she repeated the mantra that had kept her going through hundreds of fear-filled leagues.

I cannot fail, I must not fail.

*****

Jenn was not sure what she had expected, but after long months of arduous travel, it all felt a touch anti-climactic. The building stood quiet, no outward sign that it was what she sought, that it was even occupied.

Maybe I’ve got the wrong inn? Maybe I’ve got the wrong damned city?

Crazed laughter bubbled up in her throat, but she forced it down.

*****

Save for the popping of the logs in the hearth, there was silence in the room. Finally, Sarlem shrugged. “Lady Natalya dan Arloux. Lady Blade’s proper name is Lady Natalya dan Arloux.”

It seemed to Jenn that her very bones turned to water in that moment, that everything that had kept her going, that had held her upright these long, lonely months, washed out of her in a torrent. She slumped back in her chair, the goblet slipping from her fingers to clatter across the floor.

At last I have something. Finally, there’s a tiny seed of hope.

She began to sob.

 

[Montero]

Most people judge whether they will read the book based on the first few pages. Its all very well to say "I have that a bit later" - but for me it isn't soon enough - especially the first two snippets. They could be tucked in the first page. You could even have her walking up to the guard house thinking about how she mustn't fail, and then the guard gets in her way and challenges her. A lot more tension, and it is a lot clearer that she is not just a moaning rich girl fallen on hard times.
(The other bits are obviously meant for a bit later - and yup, they cover what I was on about. )

 

[Shorewalker]

You know what? This place is great! I think you've spent as much time on this opening as I have! Thank you.

I'm wary of the 'everything but the kitchen sink' approach for the first couple of pages. I aimed for an approach where over the course of the first chapter, who Jenn is and what she has suffered through becomes a lot more apparent. The opening does not show the exact depths to which she has sunk, but I personally think it gives the reader enough hints to know that things are not even close to right.

I've looked at word count and those first two snippets above are in the first 1,600 words. The first flashback occurs on page 10. Don't know whether a reader would give me that long, but...

 

[Montero]

- I too love the Chrons. Been here years.

I think I am going to politely disagree about the start of your book. As well as understanding why your character cares, you need to get your reader to care. If it is clear there is a massive thing at stake, then the guard doesn't want to let her in, it is a lot more dramatic than the current version. (And do try reading the start of Hallowed Hunt. The sample would be enough in the preview on Amazon.... it is educational. )

 

[CTRandall]

I suspect Montero isn't recommending a massive info dump that explains all that has happened to Jenn. It is certainly fine to hold back details. I think what we're both wanting is clarity of Jenn's emotional state as revealed by her actions, words, reactions--down to the level of what she notices (and what she doesn't). We don't really disagree, Montero's observation of human behaviour is just better than mine!

 

[Montero]

Thanks CT. Yes, all I meant was putting

the quote below in the first page, maybe even the opening line:

"Forcing one foot in front of the other, Jenn’s mood was as grim as her surroundings. In her thoughts, she repeated the mantra that had kept her going through hundreds of fear-filled leagues.

I cannot fail, I must not fail."

********
As in doing something like:

"Forcing one foot in front of the other, Jenn’s mood was as grim as her surroundings. In her thoughts, she repeated the mantra that had kept her going through hundreds of fear-filled leagues.

I cannot fail, I must not fail."

She approached the town gate, looking up at the dilapitated town walls, the black mould that coated them shining black in the sheeting rain. <Insert your own description of her approaching the town gates instead.>

“State your business in D’raynar, lad!”

His face florid and jowly, the Town Guard was close enough for Jenn to smell the sharp tang of his sweat and the sour ale on his breath. Dressed in livery, breastplate and helm, he held his pike horizontal before him, barring her path.


Jenn kept her eyes on her worn boots, her face hidden away in the cowl of her cloak. “Just hoping to meet with some…friends, sir.”


Her voice must have surprised the man, for he stepped forward and pulled back her cowl. He started, and she imagined that her cropped hair and haggard features had not been what he was expecting. He recovered his composure quickly.

 

[Montero]

Two other comments on things that were bugging me a little.

1. The name of the town - does it have to have an apostrophe in it? It's a bit of a fantasy cliche. (Try reading Diana Wynne Jones "The Tough Guide to Fantasyland" or indeed "The Dark Lord of Derkholme" - though that is a bit YA for some taste.)
To me Draynar would work just as well.

2. You mentioning that the MC was raped. Does her traumatic experience HAVE to include rape? See this thread: Prize Launched for Thrillers That Don't Involve Violence Against Women
(If her home has been burnt down, (some) family killed etc which is the impression I am getting, she'd be thoroughly traumatised by all of that. Could still cut her hair as a disguise.)

 

[Shorewalker]

She doesn't actually get raped. Faced with six young men, that's where it's heading...but the violence that is done is a necessary trigger for one of her 'episodes'

And no, I'm not wedded to the apostrophe..I do quite like it, though.

 

[EJDeBrun]

Just read the second opening (I only skimmed the first) and I agree it's getting there, but I'd like to make a few comments:

1) It's repetitive. There's a lot of Jenn cursing her situation and staring at feet. That's all well and good in terms of setting up her... discontent, but I think you have too much and could cut it down with a clearer exchange between her and the first guard.

2) following my first point, I don't find Jenn appealing at all. I get the whole downtrodden princess thing you're going for, but it really doesn't read any way other than whiny and I have to say if I had picked this book up, I would have put it down just based on that. I'm not for you changing her situation, but I think maybe you'll want to try to use this exchange with the guard as a way to also introduce how she's rising above her situation instead of being crushed by it. And may be adjust her dialogue so that she sounds like she's thinking of a way past the road block rather than just whining about it.

Other than that, I think you have a good start. I particularly like some of the city descriptions and weather descriptions (pregnant clouds!).

Good luck and keep writing!

 

[Aquilonian]

(I actually hadn't realised you'd made a second draft when I wrote this, which refers to the first bit you posted! But you did say you'd insert some of the first version later, so I'll keep this comment. Personally I think you should start as originally intended with Jenn's arrival, but prune ruthlessly and get more rapidly to her encounter with the guards.)

I liked a lot of this but I think it needs pruning. I'd cut the first para. Most important thing to catch my attention is to show me what emotion Jenn is feeling as she arrives in this grotty and rain-sodden city, and then enlarge a bit upon why she feels this way. She's come a long way, she's not sure what she'll find, the place looks uninviting already and then to cap it all she's caught in a thunderstorm as soon as she arrives. So she's understandably a bit miserable, but there's also a cold rage that propels her onwards despite this. I liked the bit about choosing not to take shelter, but then in the next para she does take shelter in a doorway. I'd rather she grits her teeth and plods on. Still I was interested in Jenn from the get-go, and liked the initial description of the city, just think you need to cut back on the verbiage a bit and watch for mixed metaphors (green shoots of envy etc)

Minor point- big drunk guy being kicked out of a tavern by a woman- if this is a pretty brutal medieval-type society you'd need to at least hint at how this is possible. Men are normally stronger than women and more accustomed to using violence. If a woman can intimidate a man (and I've met a few who definitely could!) she needs something special about her, e.g. exceptional strength, great fighting skills, an intensely powerful personality with the stare to go with it, extreme viciousness, weapons, magic, a pet dragon, or whatever. Or tough henchmen, but in that case I need to know why they would obey her.