Argo's Fall - Attempt #2

[EJDeBrun]

Hi All,

After getting blasted a while back, I've finally gotten around to putting my head on the cutting board again. Here's the complete rewrite I promised.

Thanks in advance.

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Mr. Lee: Dr. Park, I would like to start off by thanking you for agreeing to this review so soon after your return from Kepler 48.3. The Council and I simply wish to clarify several critical details, both for the scientific community on this colony as well as for those waiting on Earth, regarding your experiences as quickly as possible and fully appreciate your cooperation.

Dr. Park: Thank you, Director, members of the EPA, for your consideration. I completely understand your concerns and am more than happy to address any and all questions surrounding the incidents of the Argo I mission.

- Argo I Mission Review, 5th Exploration Program Administration Council, IIEF Odyssey. 5 (2285 C.E.) (Testimony of Dr. Alexander Min-jong Park).

​

Alec glanced at the beading droplets of water streaking across the Argo’s thick windows. Their stuttering movements reminded him of the extraterrestrial amoebas from his lab home on the Odyssey. Discovered on Glieses 81.4, those simple single-celled organisms had once been celebrated as humanity’s evidence that other life existed in the universe.

And they still were. Alec grinned and shifted his attention back to the real-time footage streaming from the shuttle’s outboard cameras. But they were no longer the only proof.

“We got more creatures,” he announced as he spotted another group of gigantic shadows swimming beneath the Kepler 48.3’s ocean surface. “Time: 19:44 with 7 total in this group.” His fingers rolled over his computer’s trackball, fingers automatically rolling across his computer’s trackball to bring up closer views of the dark grey silhouettes. “Torpedo shaped in various sizes. No clear view of limbs. No clear markings or patterns. Activity matches previous sunset feeding patterns.”

“They’re huge!” a jocular voice cried from across the shuttle cockpit. “Think they’d eat humans?”

Alec leaned back and turned to the speaker, a wiry man who sat on the opposite side of the aisle from him. “I don’t know, Gus,” he said in the same light tone. “Why don’t you dive in? Find out for us.”

Gus wrinkled his nose. “No way,” he said, folding his arms over his crumbled uniform. “I hate the smell of fish.”

“Then I think you came to the wrong planet,” laughed the woman sitting in front of Alec, her large eyes dancing under her curly hair. “You should have stayed on station where the air is nice and regulated.”

“And miss my chance seeing Alec lose a hand trying to pet one of those creature?” said Gus. “No way, Sam.”

Sam rolled her eyes. “He totally would, too.”

“Like you wouldn’t risk hypothermia just to collect your jars of water,” said Alec.

“Yeah, but at least I’d still have all my limbs.”

“Frozen limbs.”

The man sitting in front of her shook his heavy head. “Two years of selection and four years in training,” he said in a resigned tone. “And I’m stuck in a tin bucket with you nerds.”

“You know you love us, Don,” Alec winked at Don who looked away in disgust.

“And what’s wrong with being a nerd?” asked the petite woman stationed in front of Gus. “None of us would be here if we weren’t.”

Gus reached forward and poked her in the back. “Easy for you to say, Martha,” he said. “You’re not single.”

A faint blush spread across Martha’s face, her gaze sliding to the broad shouldered man sitting with his hands on the Argo’s control sticks.

“I hate to break it to you, Gus,” he said, over his shoulder, “but there are other reasons why you can’t find a date.”

“What you’re talking about, Hiroshi, is what we doctors call hormones,” said Gus, “For some reason, girls seem to pick those brawny leader-types over us sensitive and caring support personnel.”

Hiroshi flashed his teeth in a smile. “You know it.”

Gus scrunched his face into a fake grimace and Alec chuckled to himself as glanced over to his monitor. His eyes were immediately arrested by a line of sharp shapes cutting across his screen. Shoulders tensed, he widened the camera’s focus and jerked his head back as another black band came into view.

“I hate to interrupt,” he said, his heart pounding in his chest. “But we’ve got company. Two sets of nine indigenous watercraft below us sailing due north in a V-pattern.”
All five heads shot up from their consoles and Hiroshi reached up to flick several switches on the panel above him.

“Sighting confirmation?” he asked, his voice assuming a tone of command.

“Confirmed,” said Sam. “Plus additional watercraft coming from the east.”

“East?” Alec pulled up Sam’s camera and drew in a sharp breath as more formations came into view. “Whoa. That’s a lot of ships.”

“Too many.” Hiroshi pulled on the Argo’s controls and the deck shook as he increased power to the shuttle’s quad-rotors. “Increasing altitude and setting our course back to the polar station.”

“Wait, Commander,” Alec said, replaying the footage on his screen. “This is the largest gathering of indigenous watercraft we’ve yet to record. As chief researcher, I’m requesting that we follow them for observation.”

“Request denied,” answered Hiroshi. “Too much risk of exposure.”

“Then keep us above the cloud line,” said Sam. “That way the natives won’t see us but we can still record their movements.”

“After all, this is why we came here in the first place,” Martha added softly.

Alec held his breath as Hiroshi considered the suggestion.

“Fine,” Hiroshi sighed, “but I want everyone on full alert. Anything unusual and we are out of here.”

“Anything you want, Commander,” Alec said, throwing himself forward in his chair. “Now let’s get to it.”

 

[CTRandall]

Good start! I like the set-up with the mission review and using the amoebas to link into the discovery of alien life. You had me hooked...

...and then, having just discovered alien whales, I have to sit through scientists discussing who's single and why. The first jest about eating humans was fine but I have a hard time believing that, in the presence of such fantastic alien life, they would spend their time talking about dating (even if your characters have been here long enough for the fish to be routine, they are new and much more intriguing for me, your reader).

If you want to set up relationship issues, do it quickly with a smile, setting a hand on a shoulder, one person turning away from another or similar such devices. Then get me back to the alien boats. I'm all for complicated, uncomfortable interpersonal relationships between characters but demonstrate them to me through charcter actions rather than dialogue. And when you've got a fleet of alien ships coming at you, even the most love-struck teen will know where to focus his attention.

I don't mean this to sound snarky or mean! I like a lot of this, just think it needs focusing and reducing dialogue into a few revealing actions. Once you get more feedback from wiser heads than I, I look forward to seeing how you tweak this.

 

[EJDeBrun]

Good start! I like the set-up with the mission review and using the amoebas to link into the discovery of alien life. You had me hooked...

...and then, having just discovered alien whales, I have to sit through scientists discussing who's single and why. The first jest about eating humans was fine but I have a hard time believing that, in the presence of such fantastic alien life, they would spend their time talking about dating (even if your characters have been here long enough for the fish to be routine, they are new and much more intriguing for me, your reader).

If you want to set up relationship issues, do it quickly with a smile, setting a hand on a shoulder, one person turning away from another or similar such devices. Then get me back to the alien boats. I'm all for complicated, uncomfortable interpersonal relationships between characters but demonstrate them to me through charcter actions rather than dialogue. And when you've got a fleet of alien ships coming at you, even the most love-struck teen will know where to focus his attention.

I don't mean this to sound snarky or mean! I like a lot of this, just think it needs focusing and reducing dialogue into a few revealing actions. Once you get more feedback from wiser heads than I, I look forward to seeing how you tweak this.

Thanks for the feedback and totally reasonable. You're not being snarky or mean at all, especially considering what my first got.

And I think you make a good point and will cut down the personal exchanges. (I'm so okay with this, you have no idea. When you've been staring at this for ages, you don't know where the right balance is anymore, so I really REALLY appreciate the feedback)

Also this will help cut my wordcount down for this section.

Question: So you're interested in the alien fleet? Do you think we should skip the whale things and go straight to the fleet? It's another one of my options.


Depending on the feedback I'll post the second half of this if only to see if people can tolerate the sheer amount of science jargon that happens with that event.

Thanks again!

 

[tinkerdan]

You have quite a piece here and it would like to pack in quite a bit of information. However, I feel it has too much information and lacks some depth and I'll try to explain.

First off you have 6 characters and 7 if count the beginning and add Mr. Lee. You have Alec, Don, Gus, Martha, Sam and Hiroshi.

If this is a beginning then it is a lot to hit the reader with in this short a period and you might want to consider how you could arrange this to not have so many names to remember.

Add to that that the piece seems designed mostly to introduce all the characters all at once. This reminds me of the efforts of some to try to do a brief bio of each character as they appear and there just isn't enough space here to do them justice.

You start with Alec looking out a thick glass; which can be a great way to begin. However, you miss a chance because instead of showing us what he sees, which I'll admit isn't much, you also go into some introspection about analogies when perhaps you could go directly to him watching the footage streaming from cameras, and even so when you do go there it isn't much. Looking out the window or looking through the camera could be utilized to bring the outside world closer. However the focus is on some form of info-dump world building that really might not need to be here.(In truth you are the only one who can decide that--however it doesn't seem to me to belong.

Then you move quickly to dialogue and a peppering of description that seems to serve only the purpose of a quick intro for each character. It might help to put extra context to the observations.

What I mean is that Gus has a crumbled uniform (maybe crumpled would work better) Why is this noticed and does that mean he's the only one with a crumbled uniform and that's why its so important.

The laughing woman has large eyes and curly hair: why is Alec just noticing this--is she looking at him or does he have some sudden attraction.

The man with a heavy head.
The petite woman.
The broad shouldered man.

It's not that these are all bad, just that they stack up with little context and don't really need to be there.

So what do I mean by little context.

Lets take the wiry man who has a crumpled uniform.
Alec leaned back and scanned the wiry man in crumpled uniform with defensive arms crossed. He almost addressed the the man's disheveled state before remembering after so much time together they all looked that bad, and the smell was like a locker room.(This in some way explains why the crumbled uniform is mentioned)

The laughing woman:
The woman laughed and Alec almost missed her sidelong glance his way when her chaotic curly hair covered her large dancing eyes. (the partially covered sidelong glance gives him a reason to mention eyes and hair.)

Sure you can squeeze some of these in the way you have; however so much at once begins to beg for a reason other than that you wanted to describe the characters with some unique aspect.

Lastly, after all the introductions there really isn't much room for things to happen and as I mentioned above not much world building or view as I'm not certain if they are above the water or land and it's raining or they are on water and perhaps the window has water spray or they are in the water and it has varying texture or maybe something akin to oil slick that has beaded up on the window.

This gives me an impression of too much info-dump and not enough depth of information and context for the info-dump, if that makes sense.

 

[EJDeBrun]

You have quite a piece here and it would like to pack in quite a bit of information. However, I feel it has too much information and lacks some depth and I'll try to explain.

First off you have 6 characters and 7 if count the beginning and add Mr. Lee. You have Alec, Don, Gus, Martha, Sam and Hiroshi.

If this is a beginning then it is a lot to hit the reader with in this short a period and you might want to consider how you could arrange this to not have so many names to remember.

Add to that that the piece seems designed mostly to introduce all the characters all at once. This reminds me of the efforts of some to try to do a brief bio of each character as they appear and there just isn't enough space here to do them justice.

You start with Alec looking out a thick glass; which can be a great way to begin. However, you miss a chance because instead of showing us what he sees, which I'll admit isn't much, you also go into some introspection about analogies when perhaps you could go directly to him watching the footage streaming from cameras, and even so when you do go there it isn't much. Looking out the window or looking through the camera could be utilized to bring the outside world closer. However the focus is on some form of info-dump world building that really might not need to be here.(In truth you are the only one who can decide that--however it doesn't seem to me to belong.

Then you move quickly to dialogue and a peppering of description that seems to serve only the purpose of a quick intro for each character. It might help to put extra context to the observations.

What I mean is that Gus has a crumbled uniform (maybe crumpled would work better) Why is this noticed and does that mean he's the only one with a crumbled uniform and that's why its so important.

The laughing woman has large eyes and curly hair: why is Alec just noticing this--is she looking at him or does he have some sudden attraction.

The man with a heavy head.
The petite woman.
The broad shouldered man.

It's not that these are all bad, just that they stack up with little context and don't really need to be there.

So what do I mean by little context.

Lets take the wiry man who has a crumpled uniform.
Alec leaned back and scanned the wiry man in crumpled uniform with defensive arms crossed. He almost addressed the the man's disheveled state before remembering after so much time together they all looked that bad, and the smell was like a locker room.(This in some way explains why the crumbled uniform is mentioned)

The laughing woman:
The woman laughed and Alec almost missed her sidelong glance his way when her chaotic curly hair covered the her large dancing eyes. (the partially covereddsidelong glance gives him a reason to mention eyes and hair.)

Sure you can squeeze some of these in the way you have; however so much at once begins to beg for a reason other than that you wanted to describe the characters with some unique aspect.

Lastly, after all the introductions there really isn't much room for things to happen and as I mentioned above not much world building or view as I'm not certain if they are above the water or land and it's raining or they are on water and perhaps the window has water spray or they are in the water and it has varying texture or maybe something akin to oil slick that has beaded up on the window.

This gives me an impression of too much info-dump and not enough depth of information and context for the info-dump, if that makes sense.

I think that's pretty similar to the previous comment. Taking that into consideration, I'm already reducing the cramming-ness to the start and trying to spread it out a bit more, if that makes sense?

I'll work a bit more on the externals too. could be the details are just too packed in and they need more time dedicated to themselves.

Thanks!

 

[TheDustyZebra]

The problem with the introductions is that you're in Alec's POV, and he wouldn't think of them as "the woman sitting in front of him", "the jocular voice", and so on. He knows their names. You have to bring them to us as he sees them.

 

[EJDeBrun]

The problem with the introductions is that you're in Alec's POV, and he wouldn't think of them as "the woman sitting in front of him", "the jocular voice", and so on. He knows their names. You have to bring them to us as he sees them.

Thanks for this! And can I ask a stupid question then? Would it be okay to just use their names as they come along? I'm too n00b to know.

 

[Shorewalker]

Good start to a story...there's a lot in here that can interest and intrigue. I found the idea of the mission report at the top to work...but the delivery was slightly...clunky...I suppose? Tighten the language there and I think it would work better. Perhaps give it the structure of witness at a trial...'please state your name for the record' etc.

Now for the other stuff...

Too many names, too much banter and too much seat positioning. I know the banter is there to introduce us to the players, but it feels forced and it's also too much. At this stage, less banter would mean less names. Perhaps reference the seven crew being crammed into the cabin but only name those who actually do something?

The other effect of the barrage of names and brief descriptions is that we don't spend enough time in Alec's head. I'd like to see him more fully formed before we learn about the entire crew.

Overall, there's nothing here that can't be fixed...but you can never fix a poor story/premise. Good news is, you don't have to.

 

[EJDeBrun]

Good start to a story...there's a lot in here that can interest and intrigue. I found the idea of the mission report at the top to work...but the delivery was slightly...clunky...I suppose? Tighten the language there and I think it would work better. Perhaps give it the structure of witness at a trial...'please state your name for the record' etc.

Now for the other stuff...

Too many names, too much banter and too much seat positioning. I know the banter is there to introduce us to the players, but it feels forced and it's also too much. At this stage, less banter would mean less names. Perhaps reference the seven crew being crammed into the cabin but only name those who actually do something?

The other effect of the barrage of names and brief descriptions is that we don't spend enough time in Alec's head. I'd like to see him more fully formed before we learn about the entire crew.

Overall, there's nothing here that can't be fixed...but you can never fix a poor story/premise. Good news is, you don't have to.

Thanks. Totally on the ball on the mission report. I cleaned up the language there already.

Also cutting out the banter, (it's down to a 3 person exchange) but this leads to other issues like introducing the rest of the crew. Before anyone asks, they're all key players so I can't drop any of them.

Can anyone suggest a good way to introduce? Can I just mix them into the dialogue?

 

[Shorewalker]

The easiest way to introduce them is when they have an impact on the plot/action. Do it slowly, perhaps over the course of the first chapter or two. Perhaps everybody isn't in the cabin at the moment?

 

[TheDustyZebra]

Thanks for this! And can I ask a stupid question then? Would it be okay to just use their names as they come along? I'm too n00b to know.

Absolutely. Now you can get by with a drop of a full name (including title) at the first mention of each, even though he wouldn't strictly think of them that way, in the name of clarity, but wait to dribble the important bits of description in at natural locations.

So you can say:
"It's amazing!" First Officer John Simmons stared out the window in awe. "What is it?"
"I have no idea," replied Alec. "Sam, what do you make of it?"
"Not a clue, Sir." Helmsman Adams checked her displays.


Of course, that's awful, but you get the idea.

 

[EJDeBrun]

Thanks everyone for your help! I am starting to get this, but I'll admit I hesitate with titles because I got blasted in my last draft for doing that. People commented that the POV character (alec) wouldn't be thinking of his friends in those terms since they're all so familiar with each other. Opinions?

PS: stay tuned for version 2. I'm down to one witty line (which I'm really bad at in case you haven't noticed)

 

[EJDeBrun]

The easiest way to introduce them is when they have an impact on the plot/action. Do it slowly, perhaps over the course of the first chapter or two. Perhaps everybody isn't in the cabin at the moment?

Sadly they all are so option of spreading it out isn't high. Saying that, they're quick intro-ed here and given slower intros spread out, so I'm ALMOST doing what you're advising? I don't think that counts though... *sad face*

 

[EJDeBrun]

Edited Version!

Changes: cut the banter. (and 400 words!)

Tried to put in a bit more environment information. (sorry tinkerdan, the amoeabas are staying, but hope enough is happening now.)

Tried to smooth and stretch out the character intros.

Couldn't add more context to the opening blurb, shorewalker, but smoothed the language and gave it a bit more specifics to help clarify some points.

Also, since I cut a lot of the banter, I had more room to post science-y bits! Feedback is welcome!

Hope it's improved! Have at it ya'll.

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Director Lee: Dr. Park, I would like to start off by thanking you for agreeing to this review so soon after your return from Kepler 48.3. As I’m sure you are aware, the Council and I feel we need to clarify several critical details surrounding the Argo I mission as quickly as possible, both for the scientific community on this colony as well as for those waiting on Earth.

Dr. Park: I completely understand your concerns, Director, members of the EPA, and am more than happy to address any and all your questions regarding the incident.

- Argo I Mission Review, 5th Exploration Program Administration Council, IIEF Odyssey. 5 (2285 C.E.) (Testimony of Dr. Alexander Min-jong Park).

Alec paused in his work and glanced over to the Argo’s thick window. His view was limited, only grey clouds and drops of condensation built on the glass. Their stuttering movements reminded him of the extraterrestrial amoebas from his lab home on the Odyssey. Discovered on Glieses 81.4, those simple single-celled organisms had once been celebrated as humanity’s evidence that other life existed in the universe.

And they still were, but they were no longer the only proof.

Rolling his shoulders, Alec eased the tension in his neck and looked back to his monitor crammed with windows showing him real-time footage of the endless waters below.

“Another creature sighting,” he announced as he spotted another group of gigantic shadows swimming beneath the waves. “Time: 19:44 with seven total in this group.” His fingers rolled over his computer’s trackball to bring up closer views of the dark grey silhouettes. “Torpedo shaped in various sizes. No clear view of limbs. No clear markings or patterns. Activity matches previous sunset feeding patterns.” He heard plastic tear and turned to see Gus, the surgeon, holding an open bag of trail mix. “Just like you, Gus.”

“Excuse me, but I resent that,” said Gus, popping a nut into his mouth. “I can eat any time.”

Alec snorted before resuming his observations. “Looks like the group is heading east. Wait-“ He frowned at the white splashes dotting his screen. “They’re gone.” He widened his camera and jerked his head back as a line of sharp shapes cut into the edge of his screen.

“Uh, Commander,” he called to the man sitting in the pilot’s seat. “We’ve got indigenous watercraft sailing in a V-pattern below us.”

Four head shot up from their consoles while the Commander, Hiroshi, reached up and flicked several switches on the panel above him.

“Copy that,” he said, his voice assuming a tone of command. “Direction?”

Keys clacked as Sam, the geologist, tapped into the planet’s survey satellite.

“First two patterns are heading due North,” she said. “With additional watercraft coming from the east.”

“Additional?” Alec pulled up Sam’s camera and drew in a sharp breath as more black bands came into view.

“I counted thirty-six,” a voice answered ahead of him.

Alec glanced over his monitor. “Thirty-six, Don?”

Don nodded. “Four sets of nine.”

“That is a lot of ships,“ added Gus.

“Too many.” Hiroshi pulled on the Argo’s controls. “Increasing altitude and setting our course back to the polar station.”

“Wait, Commander,” Alec said, replaying the footage on his screen. “This is the largest gathering of indigenous watercraft we’ve yet to record. As chief researcher, I’m requesting that we follow them for observation.”

“Request denied,” answered Hiroshi. “Too much risk of exposure.”

“Then keep us above the cloud line,” said Sam. “That way the natives won’t see us but we can still record their movements.”

“After all, this is why we came here in the first place,” a soft voice added. It was Martha.

Hiroshi turned and stared at her before letting out a long sigh.

“Fine.” Alec started breathing again. “But I want everyone on full alert. Anything unusual and we are out of here.”

“Thanks, Commander,” Alec said, throwing himself forward in his chair. “Now let’s hustle.” He brought his recording back to when the ships first appeared on his screen. “Initial sighting of thirty-six indigenous watercraft made at mission day eight, 19:56 Colony time,” he automatically rattled the numbers from the box in the top right corner of his screen. “Coordinates 33.8121 north by 117.9190 west. Observed to be heading-“ He paused and glanced up. “Sam, was it north or west they’re heading?”

“Both,” she answered, her nose close to her monitor. “Currently scanning aerial photographs for possible destinations.”

Alec nodded. “While Sam does that,” he picked up his stylus and started writing on a still of the ships below. “Everyone else, we’ll use labels A through D for each formation and numbers 1 through 9 for the individual watercraft.” He sent copies of the image to the other terminals. “Colors dark grey across all watercraft but with wide variety in size. Do we have any estimates on the lengths?”

“Roughly 90 meters for the smallest,” said Don. “With the largest possibly over 300 meters.” He zoomed in on one of the lead ships. “Ships that size suggest metal or an equivalent material in order to maintain structural integrity.”

“Noted.” Alec typed furiously into his computer. “And Don, could you set the AI to scan the radio waves? Record whatever it finds and package it to bring to the experts back home.”

Don shifted in his seat. “You got it, Alec.”

Alec nodded. “What about propulsion?” he asked. “Martha? You’re our resident chemist. Any evidence of fuel?”

“Inconclusive,” she told him. “Funnels suggest steam-power but impossible to determine exactly what fuel, if any, is being used. External deck structures could also indicate wind-generators.”

“But they must be using some form of internal power. Fascinating.” Alec zoomed in on one ship and rubbed his chin as he focused on the fuzzy black figure standing near the forward railings. “Is anyone getting a clear image of the natives onboard?”

“No,” piped Gus. “But took screenshots of what I could find and sent it to the AI for extrapolation. Should be done soon.”

Alec glanced up. “Isn’t that outside your pay grade, doctor?”

“What?” Gus shrugged. “I was curious.”

Alec grinned. “Me too,” he said when Don interrupted him.

 

[Brian G Turner]

The trouble I have is that this is all talk and no show - we watch people talking, but aside from the opening paragraph, we never get any sense of being inside any character's POV to get an idea of what's driving them or why any of this scene is so important to them.

 

[Toby Frost]

I think that there are just too many people here. As a rule of thumb, I'd say three or four is a good number for something like this, particularly given that they are being introduced. As it is, they're just voices without anything to latch onto personality-wise. With just a few people - and perhaps the opportunity for them to move around and do things, rather than just check their instruments - it would give much more opportunity for them to develop distinct personalities.

 

[EJDeBrun]

The trouble I have is that this is all talk and no show - we watch people talking, but aside from the opening paragraph, we never get any sense of being inside any character's POV to get an idea of what's driving them or why any of this scene is so important to them.

Thanks Brian! Question in response: do you think presenting Alec's motivation for being there in the first opening paragraphs would help alleviate this issue?

Thanks in advance!

 

[EJDeBrun]

I think that there are just too many people here. As a rule of thumb, I'd say three or four is a good number for something like this, particularly given that they are being introduced. As it is, they're just voices without anything to latch onto personality-wise. With just a few people - and perhaps the opportunity for them to move around and do things, rather than just check their instruments - it would give much more opportunity for them to develop distinct personalities.

Thanks for the input! I'll think about it.

 

[Brian G Turner]

Thanks Brian! Question in response: do you think presenting Alec's motivation for being there in the first opening paragraphs would help alleviate this issue?

Thanks in advance!

I'd say that a strong POV and conflict are good for opening any story.

 

[EJDeBrun]

I'd say that a strong POV and conflict are good for opening any story.

I agree. The question is always how.