Argo's Fall - Attempt #2

[EJDeBrun]

I hope this is allowed (if not I apologize in advance, I couldn't figure anything out exactly in the rules regarding rewrites in the same post) I just want an opinion before I get too deep into the wrong direction again.

Taking everyone's feedback into consideration, and with the help of another writer friend, I've re-written the first 300 words and would to get any immediate opinions of improvement or not.

So without any delay here it is. Have at it!

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Alec’s neck was stiff. He had been sitting for hours with his back hunched and his eyes dry from staring at his monitor, but it was worth it. Twenty-four individual creature sightings, including three more unidentified species and that was what he could see himself. He was sure he would find more once he reviewed the rest of the outboard camera footage.

A sharp twinge pinched between his shoulders and Alec swung both arms over his head to stretch in his seat. His fingers just brushed the bridge ceiling. Space on the Argo was tight and rest of the crew were crammed into their workstations like so many chocolates packed into a small box. Hiroshi, the mission’s commander, sat at the front, his hands busy keeping the shuttle hovering above Kepler 48.3’s endless ocean while the others concentrated on their own tasks of recording, calculating, measuring every aspect of the water-planet’s environment. The information would then be sent back to the Odyssey where scientists were waiting to parse through it for something, anything, that could help humanity’s search to find more hospitable planets.

Alec glanced out the bridge windows. The sky was still blue but the clouds below had taken on brilliant shades of orange and gold. He could even see the Argo’s triangular shadow wobble over the the uneven surface. To him, Earth’s problems were as far as the planet itself. He stared at the incredibly rich colors pouring past the thick glass. This was what he studied, worked and trained for, the chance to witness for himself life’s other possibilities.

“Okay, crew, it’s getting late,” Hiroshi called from the pilot seat. “Time to pack up.”

Behind him, Gus yawned and scratched his flat stomach. “Oh, thank God,” he said with his mouth wide open. “I’m hungry.”

 

[Appello]

^ That's quite good.

Couple of recommendations:

-take out the last sentence of the 2nd para, beginning "The information..." It's too obviously an info-dump and the crux of it - that they are on a scouting mission to find a new earth - can be incorporated better elsewhere, with more emotion and 'showing' of what's at stake.

-Fourth sentence of the 3rd para, beginning "To him, Earth's problems..." Couple of problems with this: firstly, it seems kind of shoved in there without context - we go from talking about the scenery outside to this comment about !PLOT! and back to the scenery. I know what you're trying to do, but I think the comment is in the wrong place. This comment should come in the first para, after his excitement about finding new creatures. Even though Earth's problems seemed a million lightyears away, he couldn't help the thrill of excitement that ran down his spine each time he or the crew discovered new life. Maybe, just maybe, this planet would be the one... That way, you set up the tension in the initial opening, drop a hint to the reader as to why they're there (because otherwise it remains unexplained until the info-dump), and avoid having to shoe-horn it into the 3rd para.

-The reader doesn't need to know that Gus has a flat stomach. And, unless Alec has a particular proclivity towards him, there's no real reason for him to notice it either (are you in the habit of noticing the flatness of your male colleague's stomachs, on a regular basis?). It might seem minor, but little things like this are important to catch, because repeated over and over they're like fingernails on a chalkboard to the POV closeness you're trying to immerse your reader in. My general rule of thumb is to avoid character descriptions unless - the characters are meeting for the first time, there's something exceedingly worth noticing that you would, in real life, actually take time to note, or there's a serious need for the reader to know. And even then, it's better if you can show rather than tell.

All in all, it's pretty good work. Keep tightening, because I think the improvement you're gaining from the feedback is really helping, and your story will end up looking pretty swanky in the end

 

[EJDeBrun]

Thank you for the feedback! It helps a lot and I'll definitely rework Earth's introduction to be a bit more... subtle?