No Wrong Way (A working title) ... 476 words

[Cathbad]

Since this is a new genre for me, I wanted some opinions. But I'm a virgin in this forum, so please be gentle.

1 My Name is Fran​

Perhaps no one expects a woman in this role. In fact, I’m sure they don’t. And I often use that to my advantage.

“GET OVER THERE!”

I went to where the masked gunman was pointing.

“NOW GET ON THE FLOOR, LIKE THE REST OF ‘EM!”

I rolled my eyes. “The rest of them aren’t wearing designer dresses!” Neither was I, but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t know that.

He looked confused for a moment, then shook his head, as though to clear it. “Please get on the floor, ma’am.” Despite the sarcasm, at least he wasn’t shouting anymore.

I gave him a smile. “Well, since you asked so nicely.” I started to kneel, then pretended to slip a bit. I gave a polite little laugh. “I’m fine. Just a tad clumsy!” I told him, as though he cared.

My ‘slip’ had allowed me to get my hands on the floor, next to my ankles. I was watching the gunman carefully. As he looked down at the floor, chuckling and shaking his head, I drew the small pistol strapped to my ankle.

I fired a single bullet – that proved an inch or two off, as it entered his left eye.

That pissed me off, and I threw the offending weapon to the side, and drew the larger one from my back waistband. My favorite Sig Sauer P226.

I ignored the screams of my ‘fellow victims’.

Two of the dead man’s compatriots came running out of the company vault.

Poor, stupid bastards.

I expended two more expensive bullets putting the newcomers down.

I turned and aimed my beautiful, black Sig at the other member of this ill-fated group. I’d judged him in a millisecond to be of little consequence, as I’d snuck into the room. Shy, obviously roped into this little escapade, either by a friend or brother. Even on the poor-quality security cameras, I’d seen he was cute, and I so hate shooting cute guys! “Two choices,” I told him, “leave, or die.”

He chose the former, running down the hall to the elevator, down three floors and out the lobby to his team’s waiting get-away car.

Do you think I ought to have told him the driver was cuffed to the steering wheel, and the other half of the company’s security team was outside waiting for him?

Amateurs. Fools probably heard we kept a lot of money in the vault – probably from an employee who knew nothing about our security, figured, “How hard could it be? It’s not like they’re a bank!”

Here’s a tip for all you wanna-be criminals: Go for the bank – they don’t hire trigger-happy security personnel who don't have to follow stupid protocol rules.


My name’s Francesca Dowling. And if you call me anything other than Fran, I won’t be happy.


And I carry a big gun.

 

[CTRandall]

Works great for me. Action draws me in, the designer dress quip immediately establishes Fran's character and bang-boom-bang from there.

Story-wise, my only issue is Fran contriving to reach an ankle gun she doesn't like when her favourite gun is much more handy.

A few minor quibbles:

I don't think you need an exclamation mark in "The rest of them aren't wearing designer dresses!" Fran seems too calm and cool to raise her voice here.

Why are the bullets "expensive"? Odd description that distracted me.

Perhaps "when I first snuck into the room". Your version reads a little awkward for me but that might just be taste.

The bit about the last robber being cute doesn't fit well but you might be able to fit it in if you remove the camera reference. It would be more direct to say, "...either by a friend or brother. But he was cute, and I hate shooting..."

I would put an "and" between "security, figured". Again, personal taste.

"they don't hire...who don't have to follow..." The double-don't is a little awkward.

All nit-picking, really.

 

[Cathbad]

"...either by a friend or brother. But he was cute, and I hate shooting..."

I like it like this!
Bullets are expensive, but probably didn't need to mention it. Maybe, "wasted two good bullets"?

The bit about the last robber being cute doesn't fit well but you might be able to fit it in if you remove the camera reference. It would be more direct to say, "...either by a friend or brother. But he was cute, and I hate shooting..."

I agree, this whole section is awkward. I was trying to note a bit of her off-duty sexuality that doesn't belong here.

Thanks for the suggestions. (And I do love those exclamation points too much!!)

 

[Shorewalker]

I like this. It's straight in at the deep end, full of immediacy, and we get a great sense of the MC from the off.

As has been pointed out, there are a few sections that are slightly clunky, and a bit of punctuation that needs correcting, but nothing that a good polish won't sort out.

 

[Ihe]

Overall smooth reading for me. Nevertheless, there's a few small things that could be tightened, if you wanna get nitpicky: The starting lines could be stronger. In this case they're softened by vague-ish word choices like "perhaps" and "often", and the second sentence is an unneeded reiteration if you strengthen the first one, but I do understand that this is all through the MC's voice, so it's not a huge deal. I though I'd point it out all the same though.

I was watching the gunman carefully

"I watched" is stronger and doesn't change the flavour of the phrase.

running down the hall to the elevator, down three floors and out the lobby to his team’s waiting get-away car.

"Down" twice in quick succession. Not a deal-breaker, I know, but a pet peeve of mine. Ran to the elevator is tighter, IMO.

Fools probably heard we kept a lot of money in the vault – probably from an employee

Same thing here. "Probably" this, "probably" that. Weakens the writing, and not because words are repeated, but because of the vague-ish nature of the word itself. But once again, a lot can be forgiven if done through the MC's voice.

Also, about the bit about the cute guy. I don't have a problem with the MC's thoughts/reactions on this. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it feels you're going for a vain, superficial, kinda sociopathic femme fatale who cares more about wasting a bullet than she does taking a life; likely to be thinking about her manicure appointment as she tortures someone to death, and that fits the bill, a bit like Deadpool in the movie. I did wonder about the cameras though. I would assume minimally competent criminals would wear masks/balaclavas or the like at the very least? In which case she wouldn't be able to tell he's cute.

That's all from me.

 

[Jo Zebedee]

Worked well enough for me. Just watch your passive sentence - was watching would be more active as watched. But, overall, very nice.

 

[Cli-Fi]

Since this is a new genre for me, I wanted some opinions. But I'm a virgin in this forum, so please be gentle.

1 My Name is Fran​

Perhaps no one expects a woman in this role. In fact, I’m sure they don’t. And I often use that to my advantage.

“GET OVER THERE!”

I went to where the masked gunman was pointing.

“NOW GET ON THE FLOOR, LIKE THE REST OF ‘EM!”

I rolled my eyes. “The rest of them aren’t wearing designer dresses!” Neither was I, but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t know that.

He looked confused for a moment, then shook his head, as though to clear it. “Please get on the floor, ma’am.” Despite the sarcasm, at least he wasn’t shouting anymore.

I gave him a smile. “Well, since you asked so nicely.” I started to kneel, then pretended to slip a bit. I gave a polite little laugh. “I’m fine. Just a tad clumsy!” I told him, as though he cared.

My ‘slip’ had allowed me to get my hands on the floor, next to my ankles. I was watching the gunman carefully. As he looked down at the floor, chuckling and shaking his head, I drew the small pistol strapped to my ankle.

I fired a single bullet – that proved an inch or two off, as it entered his left eye.

That pissed me off, and I threw the offending weapon to the side, and drew the larger one from my back waistband. My favorite Sig Sauer P226.

I ignored the screams of my ‘fellow victims’.

Two of the dead man’s compatriots came running out of the company vault.

Poor, stupid bastards.

I expended two more expensive bullets putting the newcomers down.

I turned and aimed my beautiful, black Sig at the other member of this ill-fated group. I’d judged him in a millisecond to be of little consequence, as I’d snuck into the room. Shy, obviously roped into this little escapade, either by a friend or brother. Even on the poor-quality security cameras, I’d seen he was cute, and I so hate shooting cute guys! “Two choices,” I told him, “leave, or die.”

He chose the former, running down the hall to the elevator, down three floors and out the lobby to his team’s waiting get-away car.

Do you think I ought to have told him the driver was cuffed to the steering wheel, and the other half of the company’s security team was outside waiting for him?

Amateurs. Fools probably heard we kept a lot of money in the vault – probably from an employee who knew nothing about our security, figured, “How hard could it be? It’s not like they’re a bank!”

Here’s a tip for all you wanna-be criminals: Go for the bank – they don’t hire trigger-happy security personnel who don't have to follow stupid protocol rules.


My name’s Francesca Dowling. And if you call me anything other than Fran, I won’t be happy.


And I carry a big gun.

I really like this title @Cathbad! I'll read it later when I have more time.

 

[The Judge]

It was fun, but -- and I'm sorry to be the one to pour cold water on it -- I really don't think a female security officer is going to be quite the shock it might once have been. Two things arise from that. First, I rather suspect this whole scene has been done before and often; indeed, I wrote something very similar myself over 30 years ago even down to the woman "falling" in order to get to her concealed weapon more easily (didn't take it further, though). Second, I can't buy the idea of even semi-amateur thieves being taken in by her act now -- if I'd been one of them, I'd have shot her immediately. If you were setting this back in something like the 70s, fine, but if this is meant to be set in the present or future, it doesn't ring true for me.

Three other major-ish things niggled me, and I'll take them in reverse order.

You have her suggesting she's wearing a designer dress, and although the designer part isn't correct, she's presumably wearing a frock, otherwise even the brain-dead robber is going to think something's up. But in order for the gun in the ankle holster to be concealed, she'd have to be wearing something floor-length -- ie she's a would-be hippie (or this is set in the 70s!) or someone in religious garb, neither of which is likely to be considered "designer" by anyone, or she's dressed in evening wear which is hardly inconspicuous during the day. Also, few dresses have waistbands into which a gun can be thrust. The point of a dress is that it's one garment, not two separates such as a skirt and blouse, and women's garments -- especially anything that looks remotely like a designer's creation -- tend to be fitted more than men's. I'd suggest you put her in a trouser suit which avoids the ankle problem, and give her another holster at her hip/waist which is covered by her jacket (and she'd need a jacket or coat otherwise that gun, whether in a holster or not, would be visible to anyone behind her). She can still refer to her designer clothes, but if she's got any nous she'd refer to it as being by a named designer, ie "The rest of them aren't wearing a Vera Wang pant suit". Though why have her making a fuss about it, and potentially aggravating him, if she actually does need to kneel to get to her gun? And like CTR I was wondering why she bothered to use her ankle gun when she's got another nearer to hand.

Since the first robber she kills is masked, I assume she's seen the last one is cute because they all put their masks on after entering the building, by which time the security cameras have picked them up. But security cameras are everywhere outside buildings now -- and definitely wouldn't be producing poor quality images for places with vaults -- so what are these guys doing allowing their faces to be seen? It makes more sense for them to be properly hidden at all times, eg wearing a burka, which is far more effective as a disguise. (NB The "poor quality" of the security cameras again makes me wonder if this is meant to be set several decades ago. If that is the case, I think you need to make that clear somewhere.)

Most importantly, though, I've no idea what kind of "stupid protocol rules" you think this place doesn't have, but anyone as gun-happy as this woman is surely going to find herself out of a job, if not inside a prison cell, very quickly in today's climate. There would be all kinds of procedures in place to cover eventualities of this kind, and going in like Dirty Harriet would be the last one on the list. And if the security team has followed the robbers' progress through the building as is suggested by her knowing one of the men is cute, and have therefore allowed the other people in this room to be frightened and put at risk, the company is looking at an horrendous legal action. This really doesn't read as anything like a plausible scenario in modern-day security work.

I won't do a proper nit-pick, but one thing leapt out at me -- the dead man's "compatriots". That means she's pegged them as all being from the same country which isn't the one in which the action is taking place. Which is certainly possible, though (a) you've given no hint of the first robber having any kind of foreign accent, (b) if the others haven't spoken that means you're looking at skin colour to determine nationality, which is problematic, and (c) you're running the risk of upsetting one or other community as and when you give them a national label. However, it occurs to me that you might actually have meant not compatriots but comrades/companions/compadres, or, to use a technical term ( ), accomplices.

Sorry I can't be more enthusiastic. As I say, it's a fun piece, but for me it's lacking plausibility all round if it's set in the present day, but if it's set in the past, that would eliminate most of my concerns.

 

[Cathbad]

In this case they're softened by vague-ish word choices like "perhaps" and "often",

Good catch! Thanks!

 

[Cathbad]

the dead man's "compatriots". That means she's pegged them as all being from the same country which isn't the one in which the action is taking place

Yep - should've been accomplices - thanks!

I was setting the piece in the 90s, but I wasn't trying to be "unique", either. I am okay with someone thinking, "oh, another one of those!" The story isn't really about her work as a security guard, and she is actually released from her job for this incident (though the company makes out that it's for other reasons, since she gets good press out of it). I'm only trying to display a bit of her personality here. -

Re the clothing, I was going to explain that, but just realized it still doesn't make sense. Will need to revise that!

Thanks for your views!

(Man, I really do love those exclamation points, don't I!)

 

[The Judge]

Ah, right. I do think you need to make it clearer that this is set at least 20 years in the past, then, eg with some asides as to the president or some other year-specific info. Though I have to say that for me the attitudes exhibited and the overall tone really does put it much earlier than that which is why I kept harping on about the 70s. (Unless you need it to be the 90s, why don't you have a think about setting it earlier? Nostalgia can be a big draw, and while I can't see anyone looking back fondly on the 90s quite yet, the 70s have an attraction not just for those who lived through them, but for younger readers enamoured of the look.)

 

[tinkerdan]

Just a thought.
You go to great length to identify the second weapon she uses. That is fine, however if the first weapon results in a kill shot at any distance it might be interesting to know what type of weapon it is--since most derringers are most useful when up close, not so much with distance.

 

[Nick B]

What the others said.
As an aside, ate you going for any realism or is this going to be full on hung hi atomic blonde, black widowedesqe stuff?
If you want any realism, don't do head shots, especially with small side-arms as they are ridiculously inaccurate and B, any trained shooter will go for centre mass and a double tap. Or, if she is special ops trained you be looking more at 3 shots. But that's realism. If your looking for cinematic thrills, headshots are just fine.

 

[Cathbad]

Cinematic thrills.

 

[Cathbad]

Just a thought.
You go to great length to identify the second weapon she uses. That is fine, however if the first weapon results in a kill shot at any distance it might be interesting to know what type of weapon it is--since most derringers are most useful when up close, not so much with distance.

The size weapons I've seen in ankle holsters are bigger than derringers - but I'm cutting that weapon out anyway.

 

[Montero]

So - found it exciting, agree with Judge's and other feedback, wondered if you wanted to make her small as well as female - say five ft and delicate (purely for the wouldn't think she is security angle).
I tripped over this sentence
"I went to where the masked gunman was pointing."

I don't know why exactly but it halted me in the reading. Maybe was expecting "over" - "I went over". I think the "to where" felt clunky. It is one of those sentences where the rhythm is wrong. Can't explain it better than that.

 

[Lumens]

I quite liked it. Easy to read (I am not a native english speaker) and it flowed nicely. I would want to read on.

 

[EJDeBrun]

Hi!

So I like the writing and the scene, but I have to say that I think overall it's kind of generic? Like, I can't see too much about this to distinguish from a lot of other scenes (Lucy comes to mind? Or Fifth Element?) of unexpected female destroying everything in sight. So I think I'd personally like a bit more background information to get me caring more about Fran's situation.

But I do think her character is strong and her voice is strong. I just don't know anything else about her.

 

[Cathbad]

I quite liked it. Easy to read (I am not a native english speaker) and it flowed nicely. I would want to read on.

Thank you!

 

[Luiglin]

It felt from reading like it should be set in the 70s and I don't mean that in a detrimental way. One of my fave films over the past couple of years is Free Fire (worth a watch) which is set in the 70s to great affect.

Have you got a set time period for it?