No Wrong Way (A working title) ... 476 words

[Paul Meccano]

Don't know the rest of the story but I'm in.
I would hate it if there isn't a great back story on her character though. There is no reason for anyone to be that cool without a shed load of training and that can turn a real exciting person very dull.
Also real dangerous to push a women to the edge in today's world without good reason. I think the Judge is hinting to this but without a fun story only you can tell.

Female Bourn
Okay why not.

 

[The Big Peat]

I enjoyed reading it and think the tone's great for what you're aiming for BUT

I found the opening armed robber to be a bit dumb and unrealistic, to the point of detracting from the scene. I mean, here's a guy who's comfortable enough with the concept of violence to do armed robbery, he's hopped up on adrenaline, someone starts talking back and not obeying instantly... she should have a gun pointed at her. She should be smacked in the face.

And instead he just gets confused and shot in the face.

I know you call them out as amateurs later on but

a) I've already made my decision on whether its cool or not; maybe have that thought earlier
b) Amateur bank robbers are no less prone to impulsive violence than pros
c) Is that the opening scene you wanted? The time a cool and deadly lady killed a bunch of dorks? I can't help but feel if you want to show off how cool and deadly she is, having the opposition be less dorkish would make sense.

And if that is the mood you're going for, if you want to play up she's totally trigger happy and killed a bunch of people she didn't really need to... then maybe play it up some more?

 

[kuenjato]

Since this is a new genre for me, I wanted some opinions. But I'm a virgin in this forum, so please be gentle.

1 My Name is Fran​

Perhaps no one expects a woman in this role. In fact, I’m sure they don’t. And I often use that to my advantage.

“GET OVER THERE!”

I went to where the masked gunman was pointing.

“NOW GET ON THE FLOOR, LIKE THE REST OF ‘EM!”

I rolled my eyes. “The rest of them aren’t wearing designer dresses!” Neither was I, but I was pretty sure he wouldn’t know that.

He looked confused for a moment, then shook his head, as though to clear it. “Please get on the floor, ma’am.” Despite the sarcasm, at least he wasn’t shouting anymore.

I gave him a smile. “Well, since you asked so nicely.” I started to kneel, then pretended to slip a bit. I gave a polite little laugh. “I’m fine. Just a tad clumsy!” {this here feels awkward} I smiled at him, to reassure--as if he cared!



My ‘slip’ had allowed me to get my hands on the floor, next to my ankles. I was watching the gunman carefully. As he looked down at the floor, chuckling and shaking his head, I drew the small pistol strapped to my ankle.

I fired a single bullet – that proved an inch or two off, as it entered his left eye.

That pissed me off, and I threw the offending weapon to the side, drawing the larger one from my back waistband. My favorite Sig Sauer P226.

I ignored the screams of my ‘fellow victims’.

Two of the dead man’s compatriots came running out of the company vault.

Poor, stupid bastards.

I expended two more expensive bullets putting the newcomers down.

I turned and aimed my beautiful, black Sig at the other member of this ill-fated group. As I’d snuck into the room, I judged him in a millisecond to be of little consequence. Shy, obviously roped into this little escapade, either by a friend or brother. Even on the poor-quality security cameras, I’d seen he was cute, and I so hate shooting cute guys! “Two choices,” I told him, “leave, or die.”

He chose the former, running down the hall to the elevator, down three floors and out the lobby, presumably to his team’s waiting get-away car.

Do you think I ought to have told him the driver was cuffed to the steering wheel, and the other half of the company’s security team was outside waiting for him?

Amateurs. Fools probably heard we kept a lot of money in the vault – probably from an employee who knew nothing about our security and figured, “How hard could it be? It’s not like they’re a bank!”

Here’s a tip for all you wanna-be criminals: Go for the bank – they don’t hire trigger-happy security personnel who don't have to follow stupid protocol rules.


My name’s Francesca Dowling. And if you call me anything other than Fran, I won’t be happy.


And I carry a big gun.

Good start, very catchy. I'd read more. I altered a few sections that felt awkward, sort it as you see fit. I assumed they are in a bank, which apparently is wrong; but we are given the information to "go for the bank" without clear info as to where the action is happening.