As has been said, this is far too long. In general terms, a blurb should state who's inside, what they are doing, and what their problems are. Everything else is relatively immaterial, because those are your hooks.
Now, if you can also pepper it with a few buzz words, a few terms that get people wondering what it all means, you're onto a winner.
As a (related) aside, I went through the exercise myself and started with four lengthy paragraphs. Given that the book was the first of four volumes, and that on its own, it ran for 230,000 words, I thought I was being succinct and sparing with the detail. However, after being smacked around the head untold times by the wife, I ended up with this...
'Lady Jennifer Anncy, a young woman stripped of family and home, struggling to master a vast power that she never asked for. Kenza Vorchi, a thief and assassin, the fate of the Landless in his hands. Arlin Leatherwing, a Cloud Rider torn from his own world and cast adrift in a realm both unfamiliar and perilous. Joined by a company of eternal warriors, these three find themselves at the centre of the battle for all existence. The Bard’eth Vaan have returned, bent on ravaging the realms, whilst in the shadows, a mad god tests his chains, determined to rain vengeance down on those who bound him. Hunted by both, Jenn must place her trust in her friends and allies…unaware that one of them is duty-bound to betray her.'
and am as far away from OCD as humanly possible!
