- Joined
- Jan 22, 2008
- Messages
- 8,137
I enjoyed it. My main thought was why the characters were helping this man at all. The opening seems to tick the grimdark boxes - blood, rats, booze, poo, death (but no whores or flies yet) - to the extent where I couldn't see why two clearly hardened characters didn't just leave him to die - or at least go to such trouble. I think some kind of explanation would help, even if it's just "We can't just leave him here". As you say, getting concerned with him will make their lives more difficult.
The first sentence doesn't quite feel right to me. I think it's because the sun smashing down (not sure about smashing) and the sprawling aren't quite happening at the same time. Would "was sprawling" or "lay sprawled" work better?
Anyway, I liked it overall and would read on.
The first sentence doesn't quite feel right to me. I think it's because the sun smashing down (not sure about smashing) and the sprawling aren't quite happening at the same time. Would "was sprawling" or "lay sprawled" work better?
Anyway, I liked it overall and would read on.