Blurb for the New Book

[Toby Frost]

I was tempted to call this thread "Blurb for the Blurb God", but still...

Here is some back-cover text for Blood Under Water, the sequel to Up To The Throne. Any comments welcomed.


When there's blood in the water, there'll be death on the streets...

Giulia thought that coming to Averrio would be the start of a new life. But when a renegade priest turns up dead in a canal, the City Watch needs somebody to take the blame. And who better than a woman with a dark past and an even darker future?

Now Giulia has seven days to clear her name and defeat a conspiracy of killers who have become both more and less than human. As the violence mounts and the danger rises, Giulia must overcome an enemy who cannot be caught - and friends who cannot be trusted.


I like the juxtaposition of enemies and friends in the last line. I wonder about "take on" or "deal with" instead of "overcome". Another idea I had (which is correct in terms of the content) would be to use a tagline like "One week to find a killer - or die", but that sounds a bit too much like a crime novel to me. Thanks!

 

[Jo Zebedee]

First paragraph worked for me but I felt the second needed simplified a little

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

It starts out well, but it seems to me that the last paragraph is a little too ... coy. What does "more and less than human" actually mean? My mind wanders off into speculation about that, and so I lose track of the rest of the paragraph. I don't know if Jo is right and the paragraph needs to be simplified but perhaps it needs to be a bit more specific and concrete?

 

[L.L.Lotte]

I agree with Jo. To me, the first bit is perfect. The second bit is both confusing, and a little too revealing to me.

I mean, I wonder if it's actually giving away too much of what feel like key elements to the plot? For instance, I'm already going into the story knowing that friends are going to betray her. That's something I'd prefer to be kept a surprise.

 

[pambaddeley]

Giulia thought that coming to Averrio would be the start of a new life.

For some reason am finding that first sentence of para 2 a bit uneven. Also "who have become both more and less than human" - would 'a conspiracy of killers, not quite human" do the trick instead? Somehow it is a bit tongue twisting.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

If they can't be trusted are they really friends? (But maybe the distrust is unwarranted, and they really are friends, but then ... it's sort of circular, which is also distracting. ) So I am not sure that the blurb is saying that her friends do betray her, just that Guilia fears that they will which makes her whole situation more fraught, because she may be refusing needed help due to her own fears. Rather than "friends who cannot be trusted" would "friends she no longer trusts" be closer to the mark? Or if they really do betray her, then L.L.Lotte has a point, that you may be telling us too much, too soon. Unless the betrayal comes so early in the story that it's not really a spoiler.

 

[HareBrain]

I agree with the others. I think maybe ditch the last line of the second main paragraph, and change the end of the first line to to hint at some dark secret about the killers. I think that would be enough to work for me as a browser. Or maybe bring in a few other ingredients, (the smuggling maybe?) to up the intrigue.

 

[Dan Jones]

I also agree with the above. I think the wishy-washy bit is this:

killers who have become both more and less than human

Giulia must overcome an enemy who cannot be caught - and friends who cannot be trusted.

I think is fine in terms of content, but could be re-arranged to be cleaner.

But it's very good!

Edit: I see Teresa's already made the same point. Soz.

 

[Toby Frost]

Thanks guys! I'll have a proper look at this tonight and come back with something better.

 

[tinkerdan]

The only thought I can add is that if she is there for a new life new start then probably not too many friends to begin with.
Perhaps they claim to be allies, someone who offers help yet hasn't proven that they would die for her.

As far as the darker future in context is it that everyone assumes someone with a dark past will have a darker future or is it that now that she's the scapegoat she has a darker future.

Despite the nit picking:
I gather this from the blurb:

::
Averrio is a place for new life new start.

A dead renegade priest,
a City Watch that needs a scapegoat,
and a scapegoat with a dark past.
Do not bode well for those goals.

Violence,
danger,
and A conspiracy of inhuman killers that can't be caught.[Can't like must not? or like impossible? or is it just going to be difficult?]
New allies of questionable trust.

Beginning to make her old life look better.
::
Are there any other points of interest that need mentioned?

 

[CTRandall]

Wow, I disagree with almost all of the previous comments.

First off, I'm not a fan of the first line. "When there's blood in the water, there'll be death on the streets..." It sounds like it's trying too hard to be a common saying ("Red skies at night...") but doesn't make much sense to me. I mean, wouldn't blood suggest there's already been a death?

I think you could skip this and start with "Giulia thought that coming to Averrio..." This works well for me.

As for the end, I think it's great! It's a clever twist on "With friends like these, who needs enemies" and made immediate sense to me. Likewise, "both more and less than human" makes clear sense (I assume they have superhuman abilities that make them behave or appear monstrous.) I agree with your own concern about "overcome", primarily as it doesn't match "cannot be caught". I suspect you need to alter the latter part of that, rather than "overcome".

 

[Toby Frost]

Oh crikey! I do wonder if part of the problem is that I see this book and its blurb as a thriller as much as a fantasy novel - the structure is certainly that of a thriller or noir story.

@tinkerdan: you've actually got everything I wanted to say, and you're absolutely right about the friends. If I was going to be extremely accurate, I'd say "friends of friends" (our heroine is something of a loner), but that feels awkward. Blurbs seem to be like poetry - you don't have enough spare words to go wrong!

 

[CTRandall]

Forgot this last night but the other reason I had a problem with the first line was mixing up the title, Blood Under Water, with the line "blood in water". I know this was an issue a while ago when you were thinking about the title and I do like this title. There is, however, an unpleasant frisson (oh, ain't I posh!) between the two uses.

 

[Toby Frost]

I had planned to structure the blurb like this:

Para 1: one-line menacing comment without context

Para 2: explanation of basic set-up (the new life is spoiled by being accused of a murder)

Para 3: what the challenge is and what Giulia must do to survive.

I wonder if something about "keeping your friends close and enemies closer, but making sure you can tell them apart" would work for the first line? How about this for the paras 2 and 3?



Giulia thought that coming to Averrio would be the start of a new life. But when a renegade priest turns up dead in a canal, the City Watch needs somebody to take the blame. And who better than a woman with a dark past and an even darker future?

Now Giulia has seven days to clear her name and find the killer. But as the violence mounts and the danger rises, she comes up against a conspiracy founded on gold, murder and evil magic. Giulia must deal with a cunning, ruthless enemy - and friends she may no longer be able to trust.

 

[L.L.Lotte]

I think you should keep the first line what it was. The original first line sounded good and it's kind of like a slogan for the story because it connects to the title. In my opinion, any technical problems with the sentence is just overthinking things. I interpreted that it was supposed to sound cool more than anything else.

Now Giulia has seven days to clear her name and find the killer. But as the violence mounts and the danger rises, she comes up against a conspiracy founded on gold, murder and evil magic. Giulia must deal with a cunning, ruthless enemy - and friends she may no longer be able to trust.

That's certainly much clearer. I'm satisfied with this.

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I like this new one better, but I also think you should keep the original first line.

 

[CTRandall]

My only suggestion would be to remove the word "evil". "Gold, murder and magiic" trips off my tongue better and murder makes the evil clear.

How's that for nitpicking?

 

[Jo Zebedee]

End with she has 7 days to clear her name...?

 

[Toby Frost]

Cheers guys, that's really helpful.

 

[Toby Frost]

The only thing I wonder about now is the first line (which I'm going to keep in some form). Would it be better as:

Blood in the water - and death on the streets

Or

When there's blood in the water, there'll be death on the streets ?